Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by itzkk96, Jul 9, 2011.
Today is a bad day.
I don’t have much to say except it’s bad and I’m getting exhausted of bad days.
I feel for you, I used to have the occasional bad day, now its the very occasional good day.
I didn’t know where to write this but I decided to choose here rather than Random Thoughts.
I found a lump on my back and it’s really freaking me out. I’ve got a doctor’s appointment over a week away (thank you NHS) and I just know I’m gonna be a wreck until I have this checked out.
Probably a pimple or ingrown hair, relax.
I mean I have anxiety and panic attacks so it’s hard to just relax.
It’s quite large, hard to touch and has been there for just under a week which is what’s worrying me.
It's probably just an infection. It's smart to get it checked out but I wouldn't worry too much.
Just as i thought things might be looking up, everything mentally has seamed to have fallen down again. I started college a few weeks ago and i'm finding that i just end up feeling even more isolated and lonely than i did when i was at home and the only way i can strike up a conversation is when i'm drunk when seams to be quite worrying, i just feel so numb, like I've given up on ever finding true happiness again, i just don't seam to feel anything. i want to get better, but i just cant control it. i think whatever it is i'm dealing with is much bigger than me and that i can't beat it.
College is when I realized how poor my mental health was too. It's genuinely upsetting and I'm sorry you're going through that same depressed isolation I went through.
Unfortunately I've never achieved full remission... but I'm going forward trying to change it again. For me personally, my issues stem from a lot of self-loathing from various childhood events that seemed to be exacerbated by going to University and "proving myself" when I was in no position to do that. Then that whole negative self-talk cycle started and... yeah.
But I'm fucking terrified of losing the people that I love and my own existence before I come to terms with it. So you have to take care of yourself, you know? And you really, truly, honestly can't solve it by thinking your way out of it. I keep fooling myself into shutting other people out and it *always* makes it worse and undoes the mountains of progress I've made in the past.
So if you haven't already, I recommend therapy to start exploring your underlying causes and just... getting out of your head. It can feel like a breath of fresh air. I need to get back into the shrink myself.
Sorry for the double post but I'm regretting not following though with my therapist/doctor on trying another SSRI. Picked up some 5-HTP and the difference is very noticeable; I probably DO have depleted serotonin levels and Zoloft just wasn't right for me specifically. Like it's Monday morning and I don't want to stab myself.
Also sent some heartfelt texts out yesterday to try and reconnect with a few people and it turns out that's all they wanted too. Don't let depression be a lying sack of shit to you, apparently.
I've been tapering off my citalopram since June and it's a week since I took my last pill. Currently no withdrawal symptoms, so hopefully it really was the last one! Mood is good most of the time but I have some bad memories from when I was much younger (school-related things, no abuse or anything) which sometimes get in the way when I'm trying to concentrate on work etc.
I had a bit of a shitty job interview this afternoon - have decided it's not the right job for me even if they offer it to me. I had another one last week which was better, but they turned me down as I couldn't give full enough answers to their questions. I've always struggled with interviews. I've been an agency worker for the last 6 months (was made redundant from my previous 'proper' job) but want the security of having an actual employer and a job that's a lot more varied than my current one. I'm grateful for having the work but frustrated that I've put so much time and effort into applications for jobs that seem really good, only to be told that I don't have enough experience or can't answer their questions properly. This was the sort of thing that made me feel depressed in the first place!
So the head of the academic board approached me yesterday and told me that he would have liked me to stay, prove them wrong and he did not want me to leave as he liked my personality and work ethics.
FUCK OFF. FUCK YOU AND YOUR SHITTY UNIVERSITY.
Does anyone else feel more 'calm' during the night hours? I live by myself so spend alot of time in silence but there's always the outside noises and the neighbours and the commitments of making phonecalls, going to work, going for errands etc and I feel like I don't really have any time to actually sit down and think about stuff and calm myself down until the night hours when everyone else is asleep.
It's very soothing for me I guess to just sit in my bedroom at night with a cup of tea, the heating on, a little lamp on, listening to music or just writing in my diary or thinking about the past/future with no disturbances.
Of course, waking up in the morning with the noise of the neighbours and light shining on my face from outside is the complete opposite. I genuinely feel so depressed in the mornings. I think I get about ten seconds of confusion and slurring before my brain wakes up and I remember all the shit in my life and then there's that awful pang in your stomach and you start off the day in a horrible mood.
So I went to see my GP today and opened up to her about everything. Started on antidepressants and now being referred for CBT. I'm hoping something changes since these past few weeks/months have been a struggle.
Been off work the past two days because I can’t face going in and acting like everything’s fine when really I have no motivation to even get out of bed and my optimism for the future is at an all time low and really I can’t see any point to any of this anymore. I used to be able to rationalise this kind of thing to myself and say it was only temporary but it’s not working, and I think I ought to get myself off to the GP before I get as bad as I did the first time round.
I’m really annoyed cause I thought I was past all this, but it just goes to show really I guess. I can’t sleep properly, I don’t want to leave the house, I don’t want to see the guy I’m dating or my friends, my family annoy the fuck out of me. Ugh. Back on antidepressants I guess.
So it's been exactly one month since I moved back to Sheffield and, after working tirelessly to get here and being sure it was everything I wanted, it's all starting to feel like something of a mistake.
I didn't have a job lined up but felt I had to seize the opportunity to move, as it got me away from home and I could be with friends, as a result. I focused all my energy working to get all my rent paid until Christmas (55 hour weeks at work, minimum pay for three months straight) so that when I got back up here I'd be "all set" and yet a month later, I'm still unemployed and the lack of routine finds me falling back into all my old habits and self-destructive mindsets. I hate projecting onto my housemates but hearing about them being inundated with job offers or how amazing their dates went just makes me distance myself from them further, to the point where I've basically spent the last two days shut off in my room, pretending I'm ill but actually just not wanting to be around them.
I'm doing freelance graphics work for free, at the minute, with the knowledge that it'll bolster my portfolio and long-term prospects but it's so hard to focus on the long term when such a shift in routine and lifestyle sets me off so badly.
So my antidepressants are having such a great impact upon my dating life..........
I haven't had a proper nights sleep in weeks, I'm stressed constantly and it's lead to me breaking things off with the guy I've been dating and dropping out of college. Work is the only thing keeping me going right now.
Ditto. Hope you get things sorted
I don't know if I'm depressed or what it is, but I guess I'll post it here anyway. I've just been feeling really down over the past few months, but it's really become unbearable over the last week or so and I just don't know what to do.
I turned 24 this year and I feel like I have wasted so much of my time. It's so embarrasing, but I've never been to a gay club, never been on a proper holiday, just never really did anything that practically everyone my age has done. I've always suffered badly with my anxiety and my confidence, but it's only now I'm realising just how much it's held me back.
I finished uni two years ago and I had so many friends there and finally was able to come out to people and be myself. I was the happiest I've ever been at that point in time. However when I finished I returned home to a rural village to take a year out and earn money, but it's ended up turning into three simply because I don't know what I want to do when I go back to uni. Since returning home I completely feel like I've had to repress myself. I'm only out to my sister, and although I know for a fact my family would be completely okay with it, a part of me is still scared to tell them. I've also lost contact with a lot of the friends I had made in college since returning home. I do have a small group of close friends but it's so rare that I meet up with them, and though they're all incredible people, I do have very little in common with them.
I want to get out of here and go back to Dublin and just get a minimum wage job. However it's a risk considering the price of rent, and there's no guarantee that it will automatically make me happy. I also want to return to uni but I genuinely don't have a clue what I want to do with my life. My undergrad is done and my plan was always to go into teaching, but now I don't know if I have the personality to be a teacher.
So yeah... That was like throwing all my thoughts into one messy post, but even posting it has made me feel a little better.
Well, everything went to shit again, I guess.
I don't even remember what it feels like to sleep properly anymore, my brain doesn't allow me to shutdown at night and so I can only fall asleep from exhaustion around noon everyday and it's really pissing me off because it prevents me from being productive at any given moment.
I feel like a flickering lightbulb, mostly okay but every so often it goes off and everything comes crashing down on me all at once and I feel unable to get up and do anything except smoke and feel bad, and my father is probably starting to pick up that I'm depressed again, even if I feel compelled to pretend that all is well.
I've been very excited to finally move away and "start living again" in a few weeks but now all I can feel is this debilitating terror that it will all go wrong in the worst possible ways and I'll end up seriously contemplating suicide again, and I don't want that to happen but my brain is already starting with the bargaining and the telling me the few people who would miss me would move on eventually so it doesn't matter, which I know objectively isn't true but I can feel myself believing in that less and less as the days go by.
I have another appointment with my therapist in three hours but these haven't been very productive lately and I just don't know what to say anymore. I had found all the "answers" I (thought I) needed and yet... Not a lot has actually changed, and I feel something bad and thorny inside me that I don't feel particularly inclined to look into even if I know I should, in order to handle it. Perhaps it's just this paralyzing fear and insecurity, perhaps it's something else. I don't understand it and I don't really want to.
All I want is to rest and go back to how I felt a few weeks ago but that seems out of reach now. Fuck.
Separate names with a comma.