Depression | Page 95 | The Popjustice Forum
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Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by itzkk96, Jul 9, 2011.

  1. This is a wonderful post, I have absolutely nothing in my life apart from pop culture and nothing to look forward to aside from TV shows, books and music. Who knows where I would be without them.

    I feel like I am almost drowning in loneliness and sadness at the minute, I say at the minute but its been the best part of a year. In 2017 every single thing in my life got worse. Since my father retired my parents home life is terrible and I have my Mum constantly telling me how depressed she is so I have no proper relationship with her anymore and my partner has this new group of friends on Twitch including one guy he is absolutely obsessed with. I saw him lie about me in a text to him the other day which I was reading as he typed it with my side eye and it painted me in such a bad light, he said he couldn't join them in the live chat that night because 'I've just got off the phone with her winding me up again ffs' when in actual fact he had been ill for days and I had been looking after him (one of those days was my birthday), I felt so incredibly hurt to see that text and yet I can't mention it because he gets VERY defensive if I mention anything to do with them and he would gaslight me and tell me he hadn't written it and that I am paranoid.

    I feel like I am being consumed with hatred towards this guy on twitch. I will be 40 at the end of this year and see nothing changing. I fear I will never be content again.
    VivaForever and enjoy like this.
  2. Sis i wish you luck and happiness and him realizing soon that how much you being there for him. You sound like a perfect and compassionate human being.
    popprincess likes this.
  3. I feel like Alanis Morisette's song "Eight Easy Steps" could really describe my perspective on life and how i feel about my integration to society.

    is basically me. I don't know why i don't let myself being vulnerable or open to outside. It is probably because most of my experiences left a sour taste and being a gay in a middle east and a religious environment makes me control and censor most of my feelings and emotions.
    stuaw, andru and Smooth Criminal like this.
  4. Thank you so much although I am far from being perfect that's for sure. I am trying so hard to adjust to the way my life is now but I keep thinking back to the past when I was so much happier and its destroying me.
  5. I'm so sad to hear this and i want you to know my inbox is always opens to pm whenever you feel drowned in these thoughts.
    popprincess likes this.

  6. Her voice gets bit shrill but she talks about depression perfectly
  7. I'm so sorry. I know how that feels and it's just horrible.
    I'm really sorry you're in that situation. I'm going to be blunt: you need to dump his ass. Clearly he does not appreciate you, and one-sided relationships are never healthy (for either party, actually). And if he gaslights you, that alone is reason enough to run.
  8. I swear to god, Alanis is the patron saint of the depressed. It kind of makes sense now why my old counseling office constantly played her in the waiting room. Precious Illusions is the one that does it for me:
    stuaw, andru, enjoy and 1 other person like this.
  9. We have been together over 20 years and live together, its more a case of me hoping that the novelty of this prick on Twitch wears off soon. I kind of get the appeal, someone to talk about video games with whereas I am not fresh and exciting anymore but damn its isolating.

    Also, its like he tries to act really blokey and macho when hes talking to them. Like he was actually apologising to me on my birthday because it had been shit because he was ill but he goes into 'Danny Dyer/Jay from the Inbetweeners' mode when hes talking to them. Its like a desperation to fit in with them so much. Its so baffling for me to see him act like this tbh.
  10. Precious Illusions reminds me so much of my late teens and early twenties, and putting so many romanticised hopes and expectations onto men, then being crushed and surprised when they failed to live up to them.

    The lyrics to Guardian are really hitting me at the moment with where I am in my life, because it perfectly describes the end of the internal tug of war between self-loathing and self-acceptance, when you finally permit yourself to put you first. I like that the lyrics are almost like a promise to treat yourself better:

    We really create our own psychological prisons, by repressing so much in order to 'keep going' and giving so much to other people that there's nothing left for yourself. I love the message that the only way you can truly be of service to others, is if you first show yourself that same love, understanding and generosity.
    andru, enjoy and VivaForever like this.
  11. How old are these Twitch people? This sounds a bit like a mid-life crisis kinda thing to me.
  12. My brother said the same thing, they are around 30-35 with a few maybe younger.
  13. I’m so lonely tonight. I’ve fucked up with uni royally.

    On top of that, all I have to look forward to is listening to my flatmate berate his girlfriend over every little thing she does and then expect her to clean up after him.

    I spent the day sitting at my computer blankly, listening to my iTunes and wishing I was anybody else. I hate myself and my life right now.
  14. Charley

    Charley Moderator

    @VivaForever already replied to this expertly, but I wanted to add/confirm that a passion for pop culture is a perfectly valid passion. To anyone struggling with something similar and to whom getting yourself out there seems insurmountable, I'd recommend trying to distill a project out of your interests. Revisiting and reviewing your favourite albums, a blog tracking the concerts you attend, even just something straightforward like setting out to create some great playlists. The possibilities are endless. And it's not about the pressure of likes or followers or even anyone but yourself seeing or knowing of the end result, it's about you actively creating extra joy out of what is already joyful to you. And if at one point you've found your thing that you like doing, it can lead you to places and people you might not even know of right now.
    popprincess, Island and Up N Down like this.
  15. So this will be a bit of a brain spewing of all the feelings I have at the moment. I'll try my best to make it coherent... and honest. I guess it's easier to do it somewhere like here than in real life. Shrug.

    I've been stuck in a bout of depression since I turned 29. I'm about to turn 34 so it's coming up to 5 years now. I'm kinda ready to be over it. It goes up and down and right now I'm on a heavy down.

    It's all caused by insecurity. I feel ugly, annoying, weird, like I don't fit in, socially inept, inferior to anyone that I'm attracted to or want to be friends with. Just really, really low self-esteem. My mind works overtime about everything; usually giving myself a hard time about how I dealt with this person or that situation.

    I would never do anything to harm myself, but sometimes my mind wanders to dark depths where I'm feeling like it would be better off if I wasn't around anymore.

    I know what I want... I want a successful relationship and a good circle of friends. These simple things seem so far out of my reach whilst I'm in this frame of mind so again I get stuck in a cycle of aiming for it, but chickening out because I don't feel good enough, etc.

    I've become increasingly withdrawn over the years. Drifted away from a lot of my friends and my family without giving them much of an explanation and I know that they're disappointed or angry with me. When I'm feeling down I don't really want to be around anyone, so I keep myself to myself so I don't have to pretend for other people that I'm doing OK. This means I get really bad at keeping in touch with my family and being flaky with friends (ie arranging to meet up, then cancelling close to the time because I feel shitty - but I don't explain myself).

    I've been especially down since Christmas day. So, I spent the day with my mum, my aunt and uncle and my gran. My family don't really say it out loud, but I know there's a lot of resentment over how they never hear from me and stuff... but they also understand how I am (or think I am). They just think I like to keep to myself and that I'm forgetful about stuff.

    I'm quite different from the rest of my family. They like to drink and smoke and they have awful opinions (very Daily Mail whereas I'm more Guardian-like). My mum has a bad habit of picking at people and saying mean things - whether it's friends, family members or people on TV - she always has to mention how fat they are, or how they can't sing or something negative like that.

    It got to around 7pm on Christmas night and my mum had had a bit to drink. This is the time she decides to come up to me and tell me how much she loves me... and then backs it up with 'are you going bald or what?'. I snapped and asked why she always had to say something mean after saying something nice. She lost it and told me that I was a rubbish son and I'm really ungrateful and she never hears from me unless I want something, etc.

    It upset me quite a bit because she was right. It does come across that I AM like that. Since then I've felt really sad because I couldn't tell her why. I don't want to upset her and tell her how I've been feeling over the last 5 years. I'd rather her be upset with me and think I'm a rubbish son that let her know all of this horrible stuff that goes through my mind.

    I don't know how to make things different right now. 5 years is a long time to get stuck in a pattern of behaviour. Step by step I guess.
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2018
  16. This is heartbreaking. Don't absorb all that is wrong in yours and your mother's/family's relationships: it sounds like they don't exactly have a leg to stand on in terms of making you feel inferior. Long-term alcohol abuse has made a lot of people in my life into irreversible pieces of shit who are incapable of doing anything to improve their station.

    I'm frustrated with my life presently for many of the same reasons. I can't get out yet because I coped by gambling myself into financial despair. But I'm finally working on it, and if all works out I'll be out on my own again by September.

    Give yourself permission to withdraw as needed. It sounds like yes, they are as volatile and irritating to be around as you feel they are. It's not healthy. If you can, get the fuck away and give yourself a new headspace.

    I really do empathize with you, and I get *down* when I dwell on it. Please PM me whenever.
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2018