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Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by Itty Bitty Piggy, Aug 15, 2012.

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  1. My last job was in a small team like this and I didn't quite 'come out' per se but added everyone on Facebook, which made it fairly clear as I'd had pictures of myself on holiday with my boyfriend or whatever.

    I didn't get any awkwardness from it, and most of the lads made a point of including me and asking questions about The Culture and what I'd been up to at the weekend. You'd be surprised at how open a lot of guys are nowadays about wanting to know about it all. The fact it's a small team means that everyone's a bit on the same page: if something gets too offensive, it affects the entire team, and they all understood that.

    If you've not watched clips of Courtney Act/Shane J on this year's CBB it's a perfect way of balancing the act of being one of 'us' and integrating yourself with groups of laddy straight men. Part of it is about being assertive, confident and willing to educate in a non-preachy way, but also understanding that this 'banter' is how a certain generation of buttoned-up straight men communicate and let off steam. You're not doing yourself a disservice if you take part every once in a while as long as everyone understands your position on it. If it crosses a line into something more toxic, then make it known.
  2. That's good advice, thanks :)
    londonrain and bestinase like this.
  3. I +1 @bestinase's comment - I've been pleasantly surprised many times over how the most laddy guys are the least homophobic.
    James2009, londonrain and bestinase like this.
  4. I know this is coming out of nowhere as I don't post much here (thanks a bunch anxiety!) so sorry for jumping in at the deep end! I'm a gay trans man (ie FTM transgender - early stages of social transition, it's quite recent) and frankly I'm terrified! Amongst trans people I seem to be quite a minority - while straight trans women are reasonably common, trans men are overwhelmingly primarily into women and it feels quite isolating before I've even begun. I feel like there's not a huge amount of visibility for trans men in gay media whereas lesbian media is much better at including trans women. Sorry for being so negative haha - I love men and the idea of being with a man as a gay man rather than a sad confused girl is really exciting and affirming, it just sometimes feels difficult to imagine that I'll ever be considered a Real Gay Man by the community.

    Being a bottom probably helps though
    Rem, diamond dogs, Kuhleezi and 12 others like this.
  5. I feel you.

    I've been out for over 20 years and to be honest after "coming out" to my closest straight friends at Uni, I've never felt the need since. If something comes up in conversation I just speak about it naturally.

    Me: "We went to Rome last summer it's great I recommend <insert hotel name>"
    Nosey colleague: "Who did you go with?"
    Me: "My boyfriend."
    conversation continues naturally….

    Life is too short to waste any time thinking about these things.

    However, I started my recent job 2 years ago and I have seniority over many staff. I made a decision (not because of my sexuality) that I wasn't going to talk about my personal life or "fraternise" with junior staff. I'm polite and friendly but I keep my distance. Not sure if it's the correct decision but I've never been very good at "hierarchy" unless I'm the junior taking orders so yeah….

    Anyway I can't remember what it was but there was some paperwork I received a few months ago - something to do with work insurance? - and it stated I was heterosexual. I can't remember ever stating this when filling out forms when I joined. There is a small possibility I was in a weird place and rather than leaving it blank (which I usually do) I did choose heterosexual but I suspect it's just been chosen for me.

    It was a strange feeling when I saw it as I've never hidden anything and I'm pretty sure I've since spoken about my boyfriend in passing to a number of colleagues as the whole aloof thing hasn't really worked and I can't help being open about who I am really….
    Gasur likes this.
  6. Thank you for posting this.

    I think gay media is getting better at supporting and representing trans men (like Aydian Dowling and Laith Ashley) - and, although it does seem like there’s a bias towards representing good-looking trans men who have had top surgery and look great wih their shirts off, I suspect it does help remind some cis gay men that trans men are desirable men too and are very much part of the community.
    Last edited: Feb 10, 2018
  7. Yeah, I have the Laith Ashley GT issue! It for sure is quite frustrating (but predictable) that it's all about the super buff cis-passing trans guys - even after t and top surgery I'm still going to likely have more of a dad bod (which is fine!) and I'm short so passing will always be less reliable (which I am more self conscious about). The difference between body positivity efforts in lesbian media and gay media is quite startling (pre-trans I ID'd as a bi woman so regularly read Diva and most of my friends are queer women or straight trans men), and lesbians don't really have an equivalent to the dick obsession!

    This isn't all criticism at all, I'm excited and proud to be a gay man, the gay body image stuff just feels like a huge barrier before I've even begun. And y'know, there's no info out there on how to be gay (let the reader understand) when your dick is stuck in demo mode...
    Rem, Sanctuary, Kuhleezi and 6 others like this.
  8. I was looking at my Facebook feed and realizing every gay man there is always in pictures with other gay friends. A gay “crew” or whatever. I have literally no gay male friends. I know people, of course, but no one I ever hang out with.

    Point is, am I missing something? It feels like I’m missing a crucial part of the homosexual male experience not having at least one close mate. I don’t know.
    papatrick, Lander, phily693 and 2 others like this.
  9. Sounds like a whole lot of FOMO mixed with building something up that you want.

    There's absolutely no such thing as a "crucial part of the homosexual male experience" and perpetuating that idea only gives validity to what you're feeling right now; like you don't fit in some sort of gay box. This "every gay man" thing has to stop.

    Having friends with similar interests and experiences is the point of having friends, but that doesn't *need* to be sexuality centered. Are your straight friends not filling a void? Do you feel like they don't relate to things you want to do? Because if you feel like you're missing something in life by not having gay friends, then try to find some. Plenty of guys use hook up apps for friends, just apply real boundaries when chatting with people. See how that works for you. But don't think of it as some sort of requirement.
    londonrain and andru like this.
  10. I only have 1 gay friend but I do wish I had more gay friends to talk drag race with, LGBT film, go to gay bars with etc. Nearly all my female friends are now with kids so it makes trying to schedule stuff to do difficult.

    I tried using Grindr to make friends but it was lit just dick pics the entire time.
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  11. Using hookup apps for friends is laughable, sorry.

    In my experience of course. But come on
    Vasilios and andru like this.
  12. Says the one without any gay friends.

    I've spoken to many guys about things that had nothing to do with sex on apps like Grindr or Tinder. Not hard to make conversation after you manage to filter out the creeps.
    Pecans, Shockbox and andru like this.
  13. Sheesh, he lives in Montana. It's not like there's a lot of people there in general, especially those in the gay community.
  14. I made a gay friend who's 35 from Grindr who tried to hook up with me and we kind of just laughed it off and started randomly talking to each other as friends as I low key tried to avoid seeing him the whole summer. I eventually met him over the holiday break and he's really cool and we still text each other basically almost every day and talk about anything/everything.
  15. Thank you.
  16. Boy, bye. I was nice, gave you advice, answered your question if you were missing something; which you then called "laughable". My sincerest apologies for not knowing you lived in fucking Montana.
    Chezam, munro and Shockbox like this.
  17. Why are you so fucking aggressive? I asked a question. You’re being confrontational.
    Rem, nikkysan, ThisIsRogue and 4 others like this.
  18. I don't have many gay friends either. I have one gay friend who lives near me, but we don't see each other much because his work requires him to travel, and a few who live further away. I meet up with them semi-regularly which is nice. A lot of my friends are straight women. I'd love to have more gay friends for the reasons @Shockbox mentioned - being able to talk about gay things with people who actually understand the experience rather than people who empathise with it or can only take an interest from the periphery - and certainly realise that feeling that by not having gay friends you miss out on something as a gay man. I have used the apps for meeting friends in the past, particularly OkCupid which feels more about friendships/relationships than something like Grindr does. It can work well as long as you're clear about what you want (one of my friends who lives away from me I met through OkCupid) but its tricky when you live in a small area, as you do need to cast the net further afield to meet anyone and that doesn't always translate to good friendships or the kind of friendship you're looking for.
    DominoDancing and yewchapel like this.
  19. Apps like Meetup help here - I live in a semi-rural area of the UK (not Montana by any means!) and even just a general local LGBT social night is something. I'm sure the other gay guys in Montana would at least like more gay friends. Online friendships also help. I empathise though - I have v few male gay friends and I feel similarly about missing out on something.
    londonrain, DominoDancing and andru like this.
  20. It’s certainly worth looking out for LGBT social groups or social nights - LGBT running clubs, LGBT music/theatre groups, LGBT sports groups... anything at all. I have no idea if those things exist in Montana but it’s worth looking for. It also helps to get involved in community events like Pride.
    Island, yewchapel and andru like this.
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