Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by Itty Bitty Piggy, May 1, 2016.
Hahahaha, you’re making me feel really bad right now.
Yeah, this is it exactly, I think, and I get it now. I was slightly hopeful after he texted me so I tried texting him a few times over the past few days and he's offered maybe a sentence or two and didn't really engage. So, I get it. It just hurts. I'm hoping because I know what's happening, I won't get too excited if he texts again, but I'm not initiating anything anymore. I muted him on social media too; I wanted to unfriend him but I think that might be too dramatic. (This whole thing has been needlessly dramatic, though!)
I'm just surprised how much I liked him after such a short time because that never happens for me. It just felt right. I'm also just really surprised that this is how it turned out because I was not expecting him to be like this. And I'm mad at myself for not seeing the signs or ignoring them, and also for still being upset! But, it's the name of the game, I guess. I'll get over it.
Again, thanks to all. It's been good for me to get this out and you've been very kind and thoughtful.
I just matched with someone on Tinder (who looks perfect) and they've already ignored the first message I've sent them. What's the point?
And Grindr is still pissing me off. I know it's a shit app and is only used for one thing but I'm getting tired of faceless profiles messaging me and then as soon as I say "pic?" they ignore me or start asking questions about you first - "Where you from?" "What you looking for?" "Have you got Snapchat?" etc. If you don't have a pic or aren't willing to send one then don't fucking waste my time.
Tinder is horrible for this, and I think it's down to the simple fact that some people live for "the match" and that's it.
This stunning truth, and it is 100% spot on.
I'm hitting third date time tomorrow, but it's going well. I'm keeping my cool alright, and letting him reach out in text often, so yeah, no complaints, and my usual anxieties are keeping at bay.
@AstronautMikeDexter I even envy you that you've managed to get a few sentences out of him.
My situation last year was just plain ridiculous.
Spoiler: GUY 1
I follow this guy on IG and every now and then I used to comment on his stories and he would answer the usual hearteyes or whatever.
One day he posted a pic of a birthday cake and I, of course, congratulate him on getting older.
And so on.
But then, one hour later, he messages me on Scruff and asks me to go to his place. I try to dismiss him saying I'm not really his type and whatever (just making time to shower tho) and he insists... so I Uber my ass to his place.
I come in. We mess around. We fall asleep. We mess around. We fall asleep. We wake up. We talk.
I call him a coventroll because he's from Coventry.
He says he's been to my island (in the Canary Islands).
He plays Bon Appetit nonstop.
I show him the best video on youtube.
He shows me the best tweet on twitter.
We laugh. We mess around again.
He keeps saying how he loves the way I kiss (blush) and other stuff.
We get up. We have a coffee. He tells me his bday is actually two days later but his parents were there that weekend so he celebrated with them and I leave.
Two days later I write to him to wish him a happy bday. He says thanks.
Two weeks later I write to him to check how he's doing. He doesn't even read the message.
Spoiler: GUY 2
He started talking to me on Scruff (ha) on the very last week I had in Birmingham before my 8 weeks of summering in my beloved Fuerteventura.
He insists on having a coffee (is that a date?) before I leave, and even one day we cross ways in the street and he says I'm super cute and can't wait for the weekend to meet me and so on.
In comes the day.
We go to have a coffee to some place in the city center. We talk and talk and everything seems nice.
We get out and walk around. We even think of going to the cinema (Spiderman!) or going for beer already (he says he's parked his car at a friend's in case he drinks, so he can stay there).
We end up going for another coffee.
And suddenly... he has a dinner with the family at 7 so he has to leave by 6?
We take the train together and he seems almost angry.
I get home and I write to say I hope he got home safe and whatever.
He writes back saying he has.
And that's it.
A week later he unfollows me from IG.
I write to him once I'm back to Birmingham asking if I did something wrong and he answers that no, he's just been busy (???????).
And that's it.
My self esteem loves them so much.
And they both live in Cardiff, so I now obviously love Wales.
Funnily enough, I read yesterday Into More's horoscope (drag me) and it said: say goodbye not only to 2017 but to every bad date, flaky acquaintance, disappointing lover, friend meltdown, and general relationship drama.
BUT I CAN'T WHEN ONE OF THEM IS CONSTANTLY CHECKING MY IG STORIES AND HE APPEARS THE FIRST LIKE GO AWAY
He didn't deserve you.
Hah, I'm just so disillusioned with the idea of having any kind of connection with someone and I hate hookups. I feel like I just can't get over this guy when we weren't even anything more than (best) friends with benefits. I'm not really sure how to get over it.
I just meant you're making me feel bad because you're reaching disillusionment after three months of no sexual contact. It's been... much longer for me.
It's OK to hate hookups, believe me. They just don't really work for me either (obviously). Regarding the friend thing, I can completely relate. The thing with that is there's nothing you can really do to get over it. There's no magic thing. I'm not going to tell you to find someone new, because that is both the easiest answer and kind of stupid advice because if you could find someone that's kind of the point right?
Time is best. Time is always best.
This is happening to me at the moment. After a delirious high it's all come to a brutal halt. To further the mindfuck, I tried to take control of the situation and cut ties, however the guy sent me a picture of him crying and pleaded for us to be friends when I did this. Now I'm back in a situation of trying to get any sort of meaningful engagement back with him, but he has me hanging pretty much constantly. Either he's bored after a few lines of text or hardly ever responds (exactly how you described). This guy is an extraordinary person in so many ways, and I would like him in my life in some capacity, but It feels quite manipulative. I don't know what to do.
There is Rational mind, Emotional mind, and the healthy balance of the two overlapping: Wise mind. These type of persons, pull you into a consonant emotional mindset. Not knowing what's next. Because they can then pull your heartstrings.
And Bonkers, A picture that he send you of him crying is straight up emotional manipulation. Like how does that work? ''I'm crying now let me take a picture of it right now, so I can make him feel guilty'' or ''1, 2, 3... okay go... cry *snap*''. Like when you think about it it's utterly ridiculous. A person that respects you would not want to bother you like that. What person wants to make the person they like, feel bad about themselves?
He could, enjoy seeing you strive for his 'love'. Now that he managed to make you feel bad. Manipulative persons keep your mind in a fog like state
And all of these, fall into that Emotional mind set.
What I would do is maybe absorb for awhile if he indeed is playing this type of game. And then straight up say after a while that what he is doing is emotional manipulation, whether meant or not. And that it is not fair to weight down on you like that emotionally. That is you holding up a new boundary for yourself. Selfish persons that do not respect you will throw a fit. So whatever his game is, his behaviour will tell on him. Persons like this can feel like the perfect fit because they can mirror themselves to everything it is you were looking for. Feeling adored and important, through your eyes and with your affirmations, and then you striving fore it when they withhold it just feels good to them. Like a constant love test mind game. And constant drama and reunions, which again are very addictive. Because whenever things are good again. You're high on that 'love'. The next fix after being in stress and things seeming uncertain. It's a trauma bond. Also be cautious of being pulled back in again, with them promising change. And more adoring behaviour like in the beginning. They usually know your buttons to push, like I said. The good and the bad ones. They know how to make you feel good about yourself, and it will again be addictive to suddenly have the person you thought wasn't into you anymore, showering you with love after ignoring you for awhile. It's fucked up.
Are you available to be my life coach???
Experienced amateur here. I learned my lesson well with these people.
If someone sent me a pic of him crying begging to stay friends, I would laugh and definitely not waste my time with interacting with them in future.
Cut ‘em off / out.
lacroix peachi, that's such sage advice. I've had a lot of these thoughts, but it helps to hear it explained so eloquently as you have put it. Also, I have no idea why anyone would put such thought and effort into technique of acting like that. He does have kind/caring feats to his character, but the other shit confuses the hell out of me. It's a bit of a minefield, but my guess is this will just dwindle down until we're not really talking at all.
Anyway, thanks for the advice! You live and learn :)
No problem. I understand it can be very confusing when good and bad behaviour are mixed up. It can be very deliberate yes, and some marinate themselves into victimhood. They can feel very entitled to have people serve their needs, just because they might have been through things. All we can do is be assertive and say no when needed, and hold up a boundary. If the person will then respect you or not will show by itself; they will usually become passive aggressive and give the silent treatment or, throw a tantrum, or play the victim; making you feel guilty. Or obligate you, just because they did kind favors for you in the beginning.
If things dwindle down to the point where you no longer talk at all you might have dodged a bullet. If this type of behaviour goes on and on and on, it's better to just cut them off completely. Goodluck
My relationship has overall been incredibly rewarding and I'm happy.
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