Anxiety

[Phonetics Girl]

So I am up for disability comission again and I want to throw up. One of the most dehumanizing and invalidating experiences of my life, and navigating the healthcare system already entails all of that so fffff

And within the same time frame I'm supposed to submit the yearly self review at work, I've always been terrible at at that. Just leads to even more anxiety. Like why do neurotypicals insist on Secret Santa, I don't even socialise with y'all outside of office. I'm too tired to grab a coffee with my actual BFF, I don't need a random aquaintance who I last saw in 2018 to propose one just cause we're somewhat co-workers! Legit feel bad about neglecting my only actual friendship and never hanging out anymore.

The newly prescribed anxiety med better come through, cause I can't for real right now.

 

[SHYGUY]

Hi friends! I'm here to vent a little (lot) and see if anyone has any word of advice as I love this forum and it's participants.

Yesterday my anxiety went through the roof, I had a terrible day and I ended up spilling a lot on my husband, I'm having a difficult day again, but now because of the regret and moral hangover of having had an episode of anxiety and dragging him with me.

You must know that my family is a huge trigger for me, specially my parents, as I endure a lot of emotional abuse and even physical abuse because of my sexuality when young. Things have gotten 'better' in the sense that they now accept my husband and my sexuality in a sense, but that came after a lot of pain that was never actually acknowledged by neither of them, they like to pretend things were always like this and to be honest that boils my blood to no end.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm unable to emotionally connect with them and I find it pretty difficult to maintain a relationship, in contrast to how my siblings and their partners love to hang out with them at home and take trips. Of course my husband has noticed this and on top of knowing all the trauma I have on my back, he has the full picture of my situation and has noticed how, specifically my dad, triggers me a lot.

Basically what happens is that I sense my parents are aware of the emotional disconnect that I feel, they try constantly to guilt me into spending time with them (my mom) or utilizing their parent dynamic to boss me around or make me 'do' things (my dad). This puts me on an anxiety spiral because I feel pretty bad for my mom, the way she tries to beg for any love or time and I feel angry at my dad when he bosses me around like I'm a 10 year old, he even traps me on this situations when he buys me stuff, for my car for example (I suck at cars and maintenance) and then expects me to be all grateful for stuff I didn't asked, lately I've noticed this pattern and it makes me feel like his taking me hostage on this situations, he bosses me around with a pretty nasty tone and attitude and then offers me the solution to force me to tell him 'thanks' or give him a hug, when I don't even want that.

So this Sunday we hanged out with them and of course both put on a display of their ways and triggered me. I feel what I think is an immense anger at them, truly rabid and that instantly transports me to my younger years and my anxiety keeps remind me of stupid moments, fights, neglect or abuse to make me feel worse. I was honestly so out of my self yesterday just thinking about that and when my husband tried to make talk about it, it all came out like vomit.

I feel like they ruined my life, I feel so angry about things that I KNOW were their fault, they were ignorant, hateful and now I have to bear all this trauma just for them to act like they're the perfect parents that love their son and his husband, bullshit. They are not even capable of acknowledged the paint they inflicted, not even 'sorry' and now I feel even if they said that, it would make me explode of anger. At the same time I feel like shit to be unable to emotionally connect with my family and to hurt them with my absence, I know I have a toxic relationship with them but I can not, for the love of me, imagine how it can be different.

I think I'm coming to a conclusion that, maybe things won't get better, or that I need to take a break from them, something that would hurt my mom mostly. But I feel like I need to heal, away from them. In my head I wish there was a way to find a middle ground, to let go of all this anger and maybe, find a new relationship with them, I wish that so bad, I don't want to feel regret later in life, when they're not around.

So before I fill a whole page with text, I want to know if anyone here was or is going through something like this with their family, and if so, how do you deal with all of that? Anyways... if you're reading this, thank you, and sending love back <3

 

[Vasilios]

Hi friends! I'm here to vent a little (lot) and see if anyone has any word of advice as I love this forum and it's participants.

Yesterday my anxiety went through the roof, I had a terrible day and I ended up spilling a lot on my husband, I'm having a difficult day again, but now because of the regret and moral hangover of having had an episode of anxiety and dragging him with me.

You must know that my family is a huge trigger for me, specially my parents, as I endure a lot of emotional abuse and even physical abuse because of my sexuality when young. Things have gotten 'better' in the sense that they now accept my husband and my sexuality in a sense, but that came after a lot of pain that was never actually acknowledged by neither of them, they like to pretend things were always like this and to be honest that boils my blood to no end.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm unable to emotionally connect with them and I find it pretty difficult to maintain a relationship, in contrast to how my siblings and their partners love to hang out with them at home and take trips. Of course my husband has noticed this and on top of knowing all the trauma I have on my back, he has the full picture of my situation and has noticed how, specifically my dad, triggers me a lot.

Basically what happens is that I sense my parents are aware of the emotional disconnect that I feel, they try constantly to guilt me into spending time with them (my mom) or utilizing their parent dynamic to boss me around or make me 'do' things (my dad). This puts me on an anxiety spiral because I feel pretty bad for my mom, the way she tries to beg for any love or time and I feel angry at my dad when he bosses me around like I'm a 10 year old, he even traps me on this situations when he buys me stuff, for my car for example (I suck at cars and maintenance) and then expects me to be all grateful for stuff I didn't asked, lately I've noticed this pattern and it makes me feel like his taking me hostage on this situations, he bosses me around with a pretty nasty tone and attitude and then offers me the solution to force me to tell him 'thanks' or give him a hug, when I don't even want that.

So this Sunday we hanged out with them and of course both put on a display of their ways and triggered me. I feel what I think is an immense anger at them, truly rabid and that instantly transports me to my younger years and my anxiety keeps remind me of stupid moments, fights, neglect or abuse to make me feel worse. I was honestly so out of my self yesterday just thinking about that and when my husband tried to make talk about it, it all came out like vomit.

I feel like they ruined my life, I feel so angry about things that I KNOW were their fault, they were ignorant, hateful and now I have to bear all this trauma just for them to act like they're the perfect parents that love their son and his husband, bullshit. They are not even capable of acknowledged the paint they inflicted, not even 'sorry' and now I feel even if they said that, it would make me explode of anger. At the same time I feel like shit to be unable to emotionally connect with my family and to hurt them with my absence, I know I have a toxic relationship with them but I can not, for the love of me, imagine how it can be different.

I think I'm coming to a conclusion that, maybe things won't get better, or that I need to take a break from them, something that would hurt my mom mostly. But I feel like I need to heal, away from them. In my head I wish there was a way to find a middle ground, to let go of all this anger and maybe, find a new relationship with them, I wish that so bad, I don't want to feel regret later in life, when they're not around.

So before I fill a whole page with text, I want to know if anyone here was or is going through something like this with their family, and if so, how do you deal with all of that? Anyways... if you're reading this, thank you, and sending love back <3

Definitely stay away for a while or as long as you need. Family as a structure many times is a trap. We are expected to do things to feel things when we don't have to. We don't. Take that break baby.

 

[SHYGUY]

Definitely stay away for a while or as long as you need. Family as a structure many times is a trap. We are expected to do things to feel things when we don't have to. We don't. Take that break baby.

Thank you, truly. You are so right and I know I must take a break, I can not sustain a relationship that triggers me all the time. I guess now I got to figure it out how to, I’m indecisive if I should just come forward with my feelings and directly ask for space or to make it myself without much confrontation.

I want to take advantage of the holidays, a season that already drains me up emotionally, and fuck off with my husband to another place.

 

[Hudvar]

Our next door neighbour's young son lost his battle with cancer last week. They'd been away for a while, probably while he was being treated, but texted us the news as we were taking in a large amount of packages for them (and I guess they got notifications). I've been worrying about it for a few days.

My boyfriend has some experience with bereavement and therapy qualifications, but of course he was out walking the dog when the neighbour actually came over. We had an awkward man-hug thing and he was being all polite as he is, asking how we were like it was over-the-fence chit-chat. So I helped him carry the boxes back into his place, offered any assistance as I'm sure everyone has, and he told me they'd come back to get his son's Harry Potter scarves, which they're planning to give out at the funeral, and that sentence just finished me, and I think him too going by his expression. I still have the shakes now.

 

[Vasilios]

So I am at the airport and an old man was choking on his cheese pie, so a young woman offered to buy him some water. She tells him it’s on her because she just had some good news about a job. So they make small talk and he asks her if she has chidren. My antennae go up and I hear him asking her again and again why she has no children and “you left it too late!”.

So I butt in and without even facing him I tell him “sorry but it’s none of your business sir, you don’t know if she has tried, if she can’t have children, if she’s been married, not everybody wants children, mind your business”.

She then came to sit next to me and thanked me.

 

[russkitten]

Hi friends! I'm here to vent a little (lot) and see if anyone has any word of advice as I love this forum and it's participants.

Yesterday my anxiety went through the roof, I had a terrible day and I ended up spilling a lot on my husband, I'm having a difficult day again, but now because of the regret and moral hangover of having had an episode of anxiety and dragging him with me.

You must know that my family is a huge trigger for me, specially my parents, as I endure a lot of emotional abuse and even physical abuse because of my sexuality when young. Things have gotten 'better' in the sense that they now accept my husband and my sexuality in a sense, but that came after a lot of pain that was never actually acknowledged by neither of them, they like to pretend things were always like this and to be honest that boils my blood to no end.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm unable to emotionally connect with them and I find it pretty difficult to maintain a relationship, in contrast to how my siblings and their partners love to hang out with them at home and take trips. Of course my husband has noticed this and on top of knowing all the trauma I have on my back, he has the full picture of my situation and has noticed how, specifically my dad, triggers me a lot.

Basically what happens is that I sense my parents are aware of the emotional disconnect that I feel, they try constantly to guilt me into spending time with them (my mom) or utilizing their parent dynamic to boss me around or make me 'do' things (my dad). This puts me on an anxiety spiral because I feel pretty bad for my mom, the way she tries to beg for any love or time and I feel angry at my dad when he bosses me around like I'm a 10 year old, he even traps me on this situations when he buys me stuff, for my car for example (I suck at cars and maintenance) and then expects me to be all grateful for stuff I didn't asked, lately I've noticed this pattern and it makes me feel like his taking me hostage on this situations, he bosses me around with a pretty nasty tone and attitude and then offers me the solution to force me to tell him 'thanks' or give him a hug, when I don't even want that.

So this Sunday we hanged out with them and of course both put on a display of their ways and triggered me. I feel what I think is an immense anger at them, truly rabid and that instantly transports me to my younger years and my anxiety keeps remind me of stupid moments, fights, neglect or abuse to make me feel worse. I was honestly so out of my self yesterday just thinking about that and when my husband tried to make talk about it, it all came out like vomit.

I feel like they ruined my life, I feel so angry about things that I KNOW were their fault, they were ignorant, hateful and now I have to bear all this trauma just for them to act like they're the perfect parents that love their son and his husband, bullshit. They are not even capable of acknowledged the paint they inflicted, not even 'sorry' and now I feel even if they said that, it would make me explode of anger. At the same time I feel like shit to be unable to emotionally connect with my family and to hurt them with my absence, I know I have a toxic relationship with them but I can not, for the love of me, imagine how it can be different.

I think I'm coming to a conclusion that, maybe things won't get better, or that I need to take a break from them, something that would hurt my mom mostly. But I feel like I need to heal, away from them. In my head I wish there was a way to find a middle ground, to let go of all this anger and maybe, find a new relationship with them, I wish that so bad, I don't want to feel regret later in life, when they're not around.

So before I fill a whole page with text, I want to know if anyone here was or is going through something like this with their family, and if so, how do you deal with all of that? Anyways... if you're reading this, thank you, and sending love back <3

You can try this book:
Lindsay C. Gibson, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents

Preview here:
https://books.google.co.uk/books?id=cZpGCQAAQBAJ

 

[weatherconor]

Having been on antidepressants, addicted to benzos, self medicated with alcohol, tried every breathing exercise, running everyday, sun lamp, 5htp, trytophan, l-theanine, ashwaganda, a therapist, even hypnosis through the years and still being paralysed in social situations, to the point my head would scramble for things to say but go completely blank and id always beat myself up after, or self medicate to not be self imploding and still make an ass of myself I just can't be bothered anymore and I'll just have to go through life stuttering and cringing at every jittery interaction dd.

 

[SHYGUY]

You can try this book:
Lindsay C. Gibson, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents

Preview here:
https://books.google.co.uk/books?id=cZpGCQAAQBAJ

I just wanted to come back and tell you how much I appreciate this recommendation. I have been reading this book ever since you replied and it has been honestly very enlightening, I feel like I can finally start to understand things that I couldn't.

I never imagined that venting in a pop music forum would lead me to find this. I really appreciate it, thank you!

 

[russkitten]

I just wanted to come back and tell you how much I appreciate this recommendation. I have been reading this book ever since you replied and it has been honestly very enlightening, I feel like I can finally start to understand things that I couldn't.

I never imagined that venting in a pop music forum would lead me to find this. I really appreciate it, thank you!

You're welcome. Glad to be of help!

 

[Lander]

Having been on antidepressants, addicted to benzos, self medicated with alcohol, tried every breathing exercise, running everyday, sun lamp, 5htp, trytophan, l-theanine, ashwaganda, a therapist, even hypnosis through the years and still being paralysed in social situations, to the point my head would scramble for things to say but go completely blank and id always beat myself up after, or self medicate to not be self imploding and still make an ass of myself I just can't be bothered anymore and I'll just have to go through life stuttering and cringing at every jittery interaction dd.

Unfortunately I have no words of wisdom, but I feel like this too and it’s frustrating and upsetting to feel like you can’t do anything to get better. I just thought I’d let you know you’re not alone with this!

 

[Your Pretty Brains]

Having been on antidepressants, addicted to benzos, self medicated with alcohol, tried every breathing exercise, running everyday, sun lamp, 5htp, trytophan, l-theanine, ashwaganda, a therapist, even hypnosis through the years and still being paralysed in social situations, to the point my head would scramble for things to say but go completely blank and id always beat myself up after, or self medicate to not be self imploding and still make an ass of myself I just can't be bothered anymore and I'll just have to go through life stuttering and cringing at every jittery interaction dd.

Honestly my social anxiety only got better when I fully leaned into "I can't anymore". You are the way you are and other people aren't ever going to be more worthy of consideration than you.

 

[DreamlessNights]

I seriously hate night time anxiety.

 

[Hudvar]

Employer: We want you to go to this gala in London to represent us for an award next week. Sales Bloke will be there. We'll cover a hotel, suit rental, travel etc.

Me: I'm a techie? Networking is not something I know how to do. I don't even own shoes. Plus I have that day off so won't be able to.

Employer: We urge you to reconsider.

This has sent me spiraling off. It's their fault they only have one sales person for the entire region, why send a fucking IT person to a networking event!? I said I wouldn't be a good ambassador for the company as I'm not good with new people and they just say "I disagree, I think you'd be great!" But, babe, you don't know me. You've never met me. It really would be peak anxiety for me.

 

[weatherconor]

I frickin hate the fact that any interaction with people outside of my bubble just cripples me.

It can be painful trying to coach myself through the motions of smile now, laugh now, make eye contact now, all while trying to seem engaged and not show how much i'm bricking it interally dd. Social anxiety makes every invitation seem like a threat rather than something to enjoy I swear.

 

[Kaz D'Oerba]

Job hunting needing someone to sponsor you because you have the threat of deportation hovering over you is the worst anxiety ridden experience I think I've ever undergone--even coming out to my homophobic parents pales in comparison. I spend every day not knowing where I'll be or what I'll be doing in a couple months time. Am I going to have everything I've come to know and have adapted to, all my friends, everything ripped away from me? I was trying to finish a qualification here but my soon to be ex husband has ensured that won't happen. I've started talking to someone I genuinely really, really like and now I'm scared that I'm getting these wonderful butterflies for nothing too. I was so stressed that last week I ended up in A&E because I genuinely wasn't sure if I had had a heart attack. I just want someone, anyone to give me a chance with a job so I can have structure in my life again.

 

[JamieHT]

Nearly had an anxiety attack at work today because I thought one of my colleagues was ignoring me. Anyway, I managed to clear my thoughts (with a Lorazepam) and not make a fool of myself. Pretty good result for once.

 

[ManilaChinchilla]

Employer: We want you to go to this gala in London to represent us for an award next week. Sales Bloke will be there. We'll cover a hotel, suit rental, travel etc.

Me: I'm a techie? Networking is not something I know how to do. I don't even own shoes. Plus I have that day off so won't be able to.

Employer: We urge you to reconsider.

This has sent me spiraling off. It's their fault they only have one sales person for the entire region, why send a fucking IT person to a networking event!? I said I wouldn't be a good ambassador for the company as I'm not good with new people and they just say "I disagree, I think you'd be great!" But, babe, you don't know me. You've never met me. It really would be peak anxiety for me.

I feel like I need to know the conclusion to this event!

 

[Hudvar]

I feel like I need to know the conclusion to this event!

I didn't go. They were pressed.

But today I'm going up to stand in for a no-show at a 3-day expo thingy. It's equally unrelated to my day-to-day, but I've been so disenchanted with the whole thing lately, I'm up for just being away from other duties. I just have to deal with salespeople for 72 hours.

 

[Dylan]

my anxiety has been creeping up all week, that bubbling feeling that i know i feel something coming and today its just been a big crying fest for me and now i just feel low and sad.

I feel silly for not being able to control my emotions and feeling sad.