Dating & Relationships

[Babylon]

I've toyed with the idea of making this thread for a while, with the worry that it might get too messy and might be more appropriate for PM's, but I think it could be useful for some people. Myself included.

As I've been going through the rockiest patch I've ever had in a relationship, I've noticed I've been taking advice from so many different places; my own intuition and experience, family, friends, partner, lover (yeah, I'll get into that), scenes from tv shows and movies, books, poetry, song lyrics, fucking passive-aggressive Instagram quotes, etc.

Talking to people about these things can be really fruitful. And Random Thoughts moves so quickly.

So...

 

[Square]

Men are exhausting.

 

[beyoncésweave]

Come through Online Dating 4.0!

 

[Txetxu]

Why are these kind of threads being deleted? This is the main reason I come to off topic.

 

[matthew.]

Why are these kind of threads being deleted? This is the main reason I come to off topic.

They get nasty.

"So I got four fingers in there last night..."

 

[ManilaChinchilla]

Wendy Williams nasty.

 

[Jawshx]

As you all probably know I was broken up with last month after around a 2.5 year relationship. I saw it coming and I knew our realtionship wasn't working but nothing can ever really prepare you for all the hurt feelings and loneliness that comes with it.

Right now I am taking things as they come. I had my first hook up yesterday but I couldn't shake off the feeling that I was somehow being unfaithful/and or disrespectful to my ex even though we aren't together anymore. I really wish I could shake that feeling as it feels like it is keeping me from moving on.

Also I am shitting bricks because we are scheduled to have a 'talk' next week for the first time in a month, as we agreed the month prior that we should have some time apart. I hate putting a date on it because it doesn't feel spontaneous and just makes it too formal. I don't really know what the hell I am supposed to say other than "yeah I have pretty much been lonely and depressed the whole month", like, what does he expect? That I have completely moved on and we can both move on? Maybe I am being paranoid but it seems to me like he wants to wash his ahnds of me, and that hurts.

 

[Laurence]

Glad this is kinda back.

 

[Raisin Hell]

I don't suffer from it.

 

[Karma]

Pointless, get a dog

 

[jordxn]

So I started writing and I kind of just kept going because I felt like I needed to get it all down somewhere so I've put it behind a spoiler.

Spoiler: Long boring story of me being messy.

So my boyfriend and I had yet another huge argument about 10 days ago after a night out, and he ended it that night whilst drunk. I didn't speak to him for a few days, then we sat and talked last Sunday and he ended it again properly. Told me that I'd made him miserable and that I was awful person etc. Obviously I was crushed, but things hadn't been right for months and we kept having big arguments and then making up saying things would be different and they never were.

And despite how upset I am that our relationship didn't work out, this last week has been so good for me. For the first time in ages I'm not waking up feeling unhappy or unsure of myself or constantly paranoid. It's amazing how much negativity our relationship was bringing into my life. Obviously I'm upset and hurt (as well as really fucking angry at some of the things he said to me), but I'm also doing better than I have for ages.

But because I'm a walking contradiction and there's no rules when you love someone, I still want him back as well. He text me drunk the other night saying he missed me, I was out hooking up with a guy because I was a drunken mess and wanted to feel wanted and I thought he didn't want me so fuck it, might as well rebound right? He found out, turned up at mine drunk 5am Saturday morning (luckily I was still drunk enough not to be furious at the fact he showed up at such a ridiculous time) and broke down about how hurt he is that I hooked up with somebody already, how much he misses me and how he's basically cried himself to sleep every night since we broke up. I just told him if he didn't want me seeing anybody else, he shouldn't have broke up with me and that I can do what the hell I like because I'm single and he doesn't get to decide how I react to our break up. He stayed over, we cuddled and slept together then when he left he said we'd talk properly later, sober. Flash forward to 2am this morning, I haven't heard anything off him so I drunkenly asked if I could come round to chat and he said yes but decided I was too drunk when I got there to have a serious chat so we just went to sleep. We cuddled and fooled around when we woke up and then afterwards he told me that he didn't want to get back together right now because he didn't know how he felt about the fact that I hooked up with a guy less than a week after we broke up.

So now I'm just like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ and told him that until he figures out what he wants, that we shouldn't be texting each other things like 'I miss you' and turning up at eachother's houses drunk and then sleeping together because it's not healthy.

Our relationship has been messy for months, we've been broken up 10 days and that's been even messier and all I can think is how this is way too much like hard work and how I felt like a weight was lifted when we broke up, so why do I still want him back more than anything else? Evidently I'm a crazy person.

 

[Txetxu]

They get nasty.

"So I got four fingers in there last night..."

Still, it can get nasty, it is still on topic with relationship. We're all adults and we have the rights to discuss our views on relationships (of whichever nature).

 

[Smooth Criminal]

So I started writing and I kind of just kept going because I felt like I needed to get it all down somewhere so I've put it behind a spoiler.

Spoiler: Long boring story of me being messy.

So my boyfriend and I had yet another huge argument about 10 days ago after a night out, and he ended it that night whilst drunk. I didn't speak to him for a few days, then we sat and talked last Sunday and he ended it again properly. Told me that I'd made him miserable and that I was awful person etc. Obviously I was crushed, but things hadn't been right for months and we kept having big arguments and then making up saying things would be different and they never were.

And despite how upset I am that our relationship didn't work out, this last week has been so good for me. For the first time in ages I'm not waking up feeling unhappy or unsure of myself or constantly paranoid. It's amazing how much negativity our relationship was bringing into my life. Obviously I'm upset and hurt (as well as really fucking angry at some of the things he said to me), but I'm also doing better than I have for ages.

But because I'm a walking contradiction and there's no rules when you love someone, I still want him back as well. He text me drunk the other night saying he missed me, I was out hooking up with a guy because I was a drunken mess and wanted to feel wanted and I thought he didn't want me so fuck it, might as well rebound right? He found out, turned up at mine drunk 5am Saturday morning (luckily I was still drunk enough not to be furious at the fact he showed up at such a ridiculous time) and broke down about how hurt he is that I hooked up with somebody already, how much he misses me and how he's basically cried himself to sleep every night since we broke up. I just told him if he didn't want me seeing anybody else, he shouldn't have broke up with me and that I can do what the hell I like because I'm single and he doesn't get to decide how I react to our break up. He stayed over, we cuddled and slept together then when he left he said we'd talk properly later, sober. Flash forward to 2am this morning, I haven't heard anything off him so I drunkenly asked if I could come round to chat and he said yes but decided I was too drunk when I got there to have a serious chat so we just went to sleep. We cuddled and fooled around when we woke up and then afterwards he told me that he didn't want to get back together right now because he didn't know how he felt about the fact that I hooked up with a guy less than a week after we broke up.

So now I'm just like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ and told him that until he figures out what he wants, that we shouldn't be texting each other things like 'I miss you' and turning up at eachother's houses drunk and then sleeping together because it's not healthy.

Our relationship has been messy for months, we've been broken up 10 days and that's been even messier and all I can think is how this is way too much like hard work and how I felt like a weight was lifted when we broke up, so why do I still want him back more than anything else? Evidently I'm a crazy person.

I think your reaction was perfectly natural to want to be with someone else shortly after the breakup. I'm pretty sure everyone has been there, because even if you end up regretting it, it's such a human response to want to feel something, and still feel desired after an ugly breakup. Then again, no matter how logical it is, you can't expect your boyfriend to be 100% OK with it, because, love and jealousy don't really obey the laws of logic.

Honestly, I think your best move is just to stay away from alcohol for the next month. I know it's oddly quite a romantic idea to be the drunk mess who goes out partying every night to dance their way through their heartbreak, but the reality is really just regret, drunk texts and more bitterness. If you have a few weeks sober and apart hopefully you'll both see things with a bit more clarity and stop saying/doing things to each other you regret.

 

[Txetxu]

Itty: Be straight up honest with you - what do you really want to do with your life? Is your old boyfriend really the companion you want for the rest of your life or is the new guy?

Please remember than a decade old relationship will always cool down, whatever you do. This will also happen if you do stay with your affair.

 

[Txetxu]

So I started writing and I kind of just kept going because I felt like I needed to get it all down somewhere so I've put it behind a spoiler.

Invite him over to have a sleepover but do not touch the drinks. Have a serious talk all night long about the positive and negative of your relationship. You already mentioned you felt somewhat free and relieved after he went away for a while, and that is always a massive red flag. Nobody, especially in a relationship -so what would be the point of having it?-, should make you feel that way.

Stay away from alcohol for a while.

 

[Txetxu]

What a story itty. it kinda made me wanna write down my story afterall.

Your story is quite different, though. This might be a tad selfish, but in phycology there's a thing called 'suicidal gestures' that are created to drive all the attention to the victim. She definitely won't end up with her life, but always make your life miserable, if it is not by herself - it will be with the help of his parents.

Save up some money, get some plane tickets and dissapear altogether from the city, which is the only sensible thing to do, and I have to really have emphasis on this phrase, for the sake of your relationship. Thing is, you have to take in consideration these little things:

1. Is he really committed now as he professes? This scenario could happen all over again. Have an introspective and honest talk with yourself about this. Is he really the one for you to make such leap of faith?

2. He has now, at the very least, economical responsabilities with the child though, and he will have to get a lawyer just in case a lawsuit follows. Try to contact one first about the legal consequences and what he will have to do to stay away from her but still help out the kid. Staying with her will always be toxic for the child, aside to whichever happens with your relationship with him.

 

[RJF]

What a story itty. it kinda made me wanna write down my story afterall.

My boyfriend (he is bi) cheated while i was severely ill and bedbound and got a girl pregnant. I found all that out just as i finally got cured. He did not want a child, but she decided to keep it. After 7 months of pushing and pulling him and abortion drama. Uptil week 22 of pregnancy she was pretending to be undecided about the fetus faith. Abortion laws in my country are rediculous. He loved me more and wanted to stay, and he did for the following 7 months. Always told him he could leave that i don't want to force love. I did so much, to prepair for the baby. I was ready toa ccept the child into my life too etc.

He's so fond of me and we're best friends. We have mad chemistry, that never was the problem. But he left me anyways. In the very beginning that he told mehe said he loved us qually etc. But 7 months later he despised her and didnt feel anything anymore he said.

I was really hoping his parents would have guided and protected him more from it. But his mother said that he should accept if the woman doesn't want him arround the child, so all or nothing.

When he left, You should have seen him cry, as if someone was holding a gun to his head. As he was gathering his things.

All the things that happened in those 7 months and the 8 months after it, are so bizarre. I can fill a book with it.

This bitch is fucking crazy. I've been stalked. She cut herself, She threatned to kill herself, dissapear with the baby.

She has done so many manipulative things.

Nowdays he's pretty much suicidal, he does not love her, but feels like he has to stay there for the childs sake.

I'm so exhausted from trying to help him. And meanwhile we're constantly hooking up anyways. Mess. I warned his parents about his true state. And they said I made everything up. Because he pretends all is good to his parents.

They wrote me the most mean, nasty email ever. So cold and cruel. I'm so done, but he is an utter mess.

I probably left out like a thousand things. It's hard explaining it to stangers, because pretty much everyone will say, you deserve better etc!

Thing is he is so damn kind, intelligent, always helping out, funny, strong, confident. gentle, sooo positive. very upbeat.

You should see him now, Sometimes I'm like who is that? Who are you?

So weak, vulnerable. completely broken.

We're both so worn out. I saw him the other day. All we do is hug, cry and make out for like 2 hours. I rarely get to see him though. Its a lonely existance.

I'm so bad at writing sorry.

Break every single tie you have to this situation and get the fuck out of there.

 

[joe_alouder]

This past week was that moment where I was like I literally can not go any longer. ''I have given my everything''

He was like all suicidal bla bla. He's not the type to just throw those words around. I sometimes can't believe this is the same person I'm talkking about. My boyfriend was like a gentle giant, a Ben Cohen type man.

Anyway, i emailed his parents like look, this is what happened ever since the ''breakup" (since his parents completely gave me the cold shoulder) so i felt really bad like, hello your son is incredibly leaning on me and i cant do this anymore, please take over.

So i told them about him and me still being an item, the things he tells me, his deepest darkest thoughts, and.. that hes now suicidal and I just can't bare it anymore. Just please look out for him, or sent him to councelling or w/e. Like I've had enough. And how I can't believe you both supported him in this very bad move. They basically encouraged it. While this psychotic borderline bitch pulled the weirdest stunts on us.

They wrote me back the nastiest email. That i was using my illness to play a victim or something (Havent been ill in a year now)

That our love isnt anything real. (right a forced baby trap is?) And... that im lying. And that... he is really happy now and all they see is their son being really happy and with her too etc.

So now they yesterday had a talked with them or something. And he had admitted that everything i told was true and his mother was sort of shocked by that. And now. I dont know what will happen. I'm so exhausted.

I tried asking like okay so what do your parents think now, but he didnt want to talk about it anymore as he felt completely... devastated/ tired/ bla bla.

I really think it's mental for him. It's scary. It's easier said than done to just give up on someone.

Now if his parents responded more... like open to what i had to say I'd feel alot better. But they just told me to fuck off basically.

Yeah i do want to just dissapear sometimes, but its scary. Havent seen him in about 14 days now so thats a start!

I'm in a medical trial, so i can't leave this city unfortunately.

When i break things off, he will just go crazy i feel. i litrally fear for his life.

gosh, how lfie takes the strangest turns. I used to look up to this man so much.... so gentle, so smart, positive.

ugh. all he wanted was to get the abortion over with and move on together. i just could not convince him of a co parenting thing.

i've asked him what would you have done if i just left for good and never answered again he is like

''i'll find a way'' ''i'm not gonna let you go whether you like it or not''

i've told all of that to his parents. and they were like dont try to make this all about you.


All of my family still loves and cares about him too despite what happened, just to show you that like he really was a great guy.

If you don't want to be with someone you can't let their emotional blackmail keep you prisoner. And certainly, you can't hold the weight of his world on your shoulders.

 

[Txetxu]

Did I read abortion? I'm not in a position to judge him altogether, but trying to erase a mistake by ending someone else's life is a bit too drastic and says something about his true colours.

Also, whatever you do, his parents will always see you as the main enemy. Don't try to convince them otherwise, they seem quite conventional and deep down inside still want their son to have a regular, heterosexual life.

He also sounds extremely disturbed by the whole situation and could also snap back at you at the slightest issue. Be warned and take care of yourself first, since you also have health issues and this whole shebang could end up worsening your status.

Now, after reading this, you need to stay clear of him at least for a good while. If he is suicidal as you mention, the whole blame will be put on you by his family if he does go all the way with it. If he stays with the woman only for the child, he is doing it for the wrong reasons and you'll get burned too. On the last scenario, if you stay with him, you'll be living with a mentally unstable person that needs to clear up his life and his doings first (having a healthy resolution of his kid issues and the denial of his family) and it won't work out even in the short run thanks to his current state of mind.

Hope you read these points of view and it does help you out.

 

[RJF]

Did I read abortion? I'm not in a position to judge him altogether, but trying to erase a mistake by ending someone else's life is a bit too drastic and says something about his true colours.

Can of worms.