I’m at a bit of an odd crossroads when it comes to dating at the moment. Some of you might recall I separated from my ex just over a year ago (or not, she’s more of a lurker these days). Since then, I’ve been adamant about only seeing guys casually and using this time to build on my sexual experiences that I felt I lost during my relationship, if that makes any sense.
It’s been fun, even if I’ve still got a lot of things I want to experience (see: never had any form of group sex, never been to a bath house etc etc). I say this because there’s a couple of guys that I’ve been spending a lot of time with (separately). With the first, we’ve grown incredibly close, to the point where he’s constantly making comments about people asking if we’re together. He’s currently going through a divorce and we’ve both been perfectly clear that we don’t want anything serious, but I’m starting to feel those waters get a bit muddled now with his comments. He also surprised me with a weekend away this coming September which, whilst lovely, feels a bit “relationshippy”? Maybe I’m reading too much into it but there is a definite connection there. I just don’t want to have an awkward conversation in case my instincts are way off. However, there’s also a bit of a dilemma where I feel, if there was to be something more, that I would be putting it off on the basis of fulfilling a personal checklist, and I’m not sure if I should really be looking at things like that.
The second is incredibly handsome, charming, but riddled with anxiety and emotionally unavailable. Not much more to say other than that to be honest. It leads to me feeling uncertain of myself if I don’t hear from him or if he seems temporarily distant, but for some reason I’m still drawn to him. I can’t really explain it.
Has anyone had any experience with wanting to remain single but feeling like you’re being pulled in the other direction? I’d appreciate any tips going!
I'm in a similar boat of wanting to ensure I enjoy as much of my singledom as possible before getting back into another relationship, but also now at the stage where I am developing feelings for guys again and don't necessarily want to rule them out either. Not that any guy has put me in an actual crossroads yet, but I have had friends ask me, 'but what if he does want to be exclusive with you at some point?,' which is forcing me to ponder an answer. I likewise don't want to miss opportunities to check things off my list, but I also don't want to pass up a potentially great love.
Ultimately, I think you just have to follow your heart instead of overthinking things. I do think you might be reading into the first guy too much instead of just rolling with it & enjoying it. At some point, you should have an updated conversation about what you both want (I think it's good to have these every once in a while with a new/blossoming relationship), because you might be on more of the same page than you think. It also will help you from worrying about shoulda/woulda/couldas and instead focus on what's actually happening. Also, September is ages
away, so that's just a nice thing to have on the calendar, with you both knowing it may not ever happen - or that things might change between now and then.
As for guy #2, that's just a case of wanting what you can't have. He's not going to change and you're never going to lose interest in him, despite it being a one-way street. He will continue to charm you regardless of how many red flags he throws your way. Stay away.
I’ve been talking daily to a guy since October, we’ve been on 2 dates during that time and have a third scheduled for this Thursday. I like him, and feel like he must like me to a certain extent too because he’s agreed to see me on each date, but he mentioned how dry Nottingham is for gays, so part of me is questioning if he’s just seeing me because I’m his best available option, not because he’s super into me? I could be reading into it wrong, he does message every day, I just don’t know if he feels any chemistry for me. He mentioned (before our first date) he’s scared of being hate crimed in the city centre, so I don’t want to initiate a kiss and make him feel uncomfortable because of that, but equally it’s so hard to gauge his feelings/if there’s chemistry there for him. I wouldn’t normally be this worried about it after 3 dates but they’ve been quite spaced apart, despite the daily talking, that it feels like "he’s not kissed me 3 months in!"
He's definitely interested in you or he wouldn't be putting in this much time and effort, so don't let yourself get too riddled with anxiety. It's easy to read too far into exchanges, but don't let that it affect your self-esteem. His previous inability to find a match doesn't mean he's settling for you; it just means you're a genuinely great human who is worth his time. It can be especially frustrating when there is no physical element, but I also think it's been long enough that you should bring that up. It's important for you to feel desired and to have assurance that he is physically attracted to you, so I think it's worth talking about how
you can make that happen. If he doesn't want to do anything physical in public, is there somewhere private or secluded you can go to do things? Brings that up or suggest some options. Until then, enjoy how things are developing thus far.
I broke up with my boyfriend three months ago. It was the healthiest relationship, I've ever been in. He's a wonderful man and I am very grateful for that. In a way, I feel like he healed me.
Before being in a relationship, I used to be obsessed with the idea of finding the right one. At some point, I was on 5 dating apps and had dates with 3 different guys on the same week-end. This obsession was draining me out. I used to rely on others too much, to do activities, travel or meet new people.
That feeling of emptiness is gone for now, I don't feel the need to date anymore. I've been reading a lot of great books written by psychiatrists about self-esteem, loneliness and relationships. Since the breakup, I've done several things alone for the first time (reading at coffe shops, going to the cinema, to a comedy club, to group fitness classes). On december 31st, I registered on a friendship app, and I recently booked a trip abroad to the Maldives, just me, myself and I (I'll be travelling alone for the first time). I am a bit scared since this is new territory to me, but still, I feel good and I really wish this feeling lasts as long as possible.
Massive applause to you for coming out of that breakup with an incredible amount of self-awareness and self-fulfillment. Keep it up because we could all afford to have more of it run off on us.
I'm doing some similar questioning at the moment. I have hung out with Mr. New In Town a few more times since my last post, and while things remain as fun & adorable as ever, they have not evolved on the physical front (not for lack of trying on my end) and it has begun to make me a tad insecure. Granted, he has been under the weather lately, so he's had a decent excuse not to revisit that, but I can't shake our lackluster first time out of my head and am desperate to get over it with a second try. He's been out of town, but I plan on having a conversation with him about it when we next hang - that is, only if things don't
get physical by the end of that encounter. He certainly has no issue kissing me, but I need reassurance that he is sexually attracted to me (I've come to realize it was my biggest insecurity in my last relationship, certainly not helped by the way things ended, so it's an area where I need extra validation moving forward). I would keep the conversation focused on 'Hey, it's been another few months, so let's see if we're still on the same page,' but I do need to know where his head is at. Because without the sexual aspect, it's all felt very relationship-y, which could be a problem considering he has said he isn't looking for anything serious right now. I've let him put eyedrops in my eye (something I've never even let my parents/a doctor do), I invited him to tag along on my Hawaii trip (really as a last minute thing knowing he would say 'no' - but would also be really happy if he did), and I have genuine feelings for him. Perhaps having this gaping physical hole in whatever our current bond is is for the best as it is keeping me from falling head over heels, but I'm also a Virgo problem-solver who cannot help but dwell on a lingering issue that I want to address immediately.
To save myself from my one-track mind, I hooked up with a random neighbor (decent sex that ended with me walking into the corner of his front door and coming out of his apartment with a forehead smothered in blood), and went on my first Tinder dates. #1 was Mr. Movies, who came over for drinks, chat, and some third base action. We have the exact same taste in film, which made for great discussion, but the 'action' was... sparkless. Him staying well beyond his welcome (no, we're not doing a 2am nap/cuddle on a school night; you need to go home) sealed the deal, but just seemed like more of a nice new movie theater-accompanying friend. #2 was Mr. Adult, which I decided on because he just might be the most mature person I've ever gone out with. We had a really nice brunch covering all the basics - life, friends, family, career - without falling into my default of pop culture, and I genuinely enjoyed his company. The back of my mind was focused on deciphering what aspect of his life must still be in slight disarray, but came up empty-handed. We ended things with some light kissing outside his car and agreement that we should hang again. Honestly, a really lovely new candidate for the roster.
I'm now actively texting both Mr. New In Town and Mr. Adult while I prepare for Tinder #3 tonight, keeping emotions as dispersed as possible so as to avoid getting too invested in any one person. That's smart, right? We shall see.