@UncleDeSeanAli &
@Rmx 's ex/friend plights really struck me as I'm not
not in a similar boat. I am in love with one of my best friends and I can't truly be friends with him if I'm still in love.
But here we are, two full weeks free of Mr. Doorman... and it feels terrible. As much as I know this situationship was taking a toll on me, I just really miss having him in my life. I miss talking to him, hanging out with him, texting him every day. It's honestly really lonely and boring without him in my life, even as just a friend. That said, I can still feel those toxic pangs of envy/jealousy/insecurity when I think about him, so I'm trying my hardest to maintain my self-imposed boundary until I get to a place where he can exist in my mind without those side effects. Because he can't just be a friend if I still have those feelings.
The night after his new guy broke things off with him, he told me he just wanted to be alone... cut to me checking in the next day and finding out he'd spent the night with him and convinced him to take him back. I didn't expect it to cut as deeply as it did, but it made me realize this is a person and a relationship he will go out of his way to fight for... in a way he would never do for me, regardless of how poorly the other person treats him. That was a painful realization for me. I told him this during our next hang, where he revealed he'd also recently hooked up with a member of the the dreaded Silver Lake Gays, one who helped lead the charge of exiling him from the group and spent months treating him horribly. He told me he felt terrible afterward, noting that it made him feel bad for the guy he's seeing. I turned to him and gave him a full Kristen Wiig/Bridesmaids "are you
fucking kidding me?" in response, pointing out how much this stuff has been hurting
me, and how I'm the only one truly getting caught in the crossfire of his decisions. I let him know that I can't stand by and watch him be treated like trash by people he still devotes his time, energy and body to them. I said that knowing he'd rather make these choices than pursue something with me is a pill I'm struggling to swallow and that I may need some real space from him. I truly shouldn't be so affected by these scenarios that do not involve me, but I'm too emotionally attached not to be. So I took the next few days and made the decision that I need to cut him off, full stop, to finally create emotional and physical space to protect myself. He's never going to 'choose me', per se, and I continue to feel some type of way about it, and I need to work on myself to move on from that.
I took him to a lovely dinner and drinks two nights later where I told him all this, reiterating that we are not being the friends we each need from each other right now, that changes need to be made in order to make that happen, and that I'm going to take an unspecified amount of time until I can get to that place. He was as supportive and respectful as I expected, and I dropped him off and gave him a big hug and kiss on the cheek goodbye. Seeing my Valentine’s Day card still displayed on his bedside table was the thing that really sat with me - a nice reminder that there is genuine love between us. He sent me the new Justice/Tame Impala song on my drive home and we agreed it was a perfect sendoff track for the time being. Outside of the accidental next-night run-in, we haven't been in touch in any way, and as mentioned, it's been tough. I'm hopeful I can get to a place where I can just be his friend, but please send strength until I get to that place. This is certainly the hardest break up (is it even fair to call it that?) I've ever had to initiate, and it's one of the most difficult things I've ever put myself through emotionally. It all coming on the one-year anniversary of our meeting hasn't helped (how I even got myself into a year-long situationship, I'll never know), but I remain trucking on.
I’ve tried to keep myself distracted since then, not helped by the fact that the guy I went on the great dates with in March ghosted me; as did the Hinge guy I was meant to go on a first date with. Sex-wise, things remain as fun and chaotic as ever. News of my flammable hookup has made the rounds with the neighborhood gays, but it hasn’t stopped me from getting action. There’s the daddy who happens to live next door to my gym bestie, the public triple kiss, the 20-year-old college student with the fake ID (probably should be better about asking ages
before I hook up), and the aforementioned cousins… which I will explain.
I popped by my neighborhood gay bar last week for a nightcap, and ran into a local TV weatherman I recognized & have a crush on (one I know is straight, married, and has children based on previous Insta stalking). We were standing next to each other at the bar, and I’d had a few drinks in me already, so I decided to tell him I knew who he was, that I was a fan, and that I foolishly had a little crush on him. He let me know his cousin was visiting and wanted to come to this bar, so he came along to be a good friend. I told him that was really nice of him and wished him a good night. Cut to me waiting in line for the restroom at the back of the bar, and him coming up to me, pinning me against the wall, making out with me, and letting me know he’s getting divorced, exploring his sexuality, thinks it’s really hot I’m into him, and wanted to go home with me. The whole thing was really shocking and hot, and so I obviously went along with it. He asked if his cousin could join, saying he’d promised him a good time and that the cousin is also married, with children, and on the DL. So on we went and had a night of good fun. Again, I never asked about their dynamic, just assuming they’re cousins by marriage (or longtime friends who call each other cousins), but it really wasn’t my business. The cousin has since returned home, and I have continued hooking up with the divorcing DL TV weatherman. Is this an affair? Am I the other woman? I'm not sure, but it's fun, meaningless, and I don't ask questions.
The latest complication in my love life is 2-pronged. There is a guy I've been messaging with on Scruff since last summer, but we've never met in person. I would like to, but he weirdly avoids any opportunity to do so. Normally I would just ignore this person, but he is one of the most attractive men I've ever spoken with, and I've come to enjoy our regular messaging - about life, about work, about family, about sex. I've wondered if I'm just being catfished, but we have too many Instagram mutuals for that to be the case, so ultimately I'm just being dumb. On an unrelated note, my good friend Mr. New In Town has had this gym crush he's been confiding in me about for months. They go on cute dates, have major flirtation, but never act on anything in fear of damaging their comfortable gym situation. Last weekend, I met up with Mr. New In Town for drinks and he let me know his gym crush was also in attendance. I was excited to finally meet this guy, but he walks up and who should he be? Mr. Messaging himself. I could see we were both startled to encounter each other, but he still hugged me and said it was so good to finally meet me. My friend asked how we knew each other, and Mr. Messaging said in embarrassment that he's basically been leading me on for ages. Most of the night was spent watching their flirtation and touchy/kissy vibe, which wasn't a great feeling, until Mr. Messaging pulled me aside and apologized profusely for never meeting up and once again for 'leading me on.' He said he's just weird about meeting people from the apps and that it has nothing to do with me. Sure. Regardless, I told him it's fine, it's not serious, and we proceeded to make out. Boy was it a great makeout, and it led to a few more later in the night. The messaging has continued, remaining as hot and flirty as ever, and I'm back to pushing to get more time with him in person, while also knowing - and feeling conflicted - about my good friend's feelings for him.
Love. It's never easy, and it's always embarrassing, isn't it?