Dating & Relationships

Island

Staff member
My ex and I are supposed to be seeing each other and interacting for the first time today in a group setting in 3 months. Granted, this feels more like him throwing me a bone rather than genuinely wanting to see me or be my friend but we’ll see how this goes.

If he doesn’t want to be my friend or keeps avoiding me after I get back from vacation in late June, then I’m probably just going to dump the idea of maintaining a friendship.
 
@UncleDeSeanAli I'm no psychiatrist, but with the timeline that you shared, I feel like the extreme sadness that you're feeling comes from an underlying issue related to attachment styles.
I say this because you sound confident and not bothered that much when you talk about the pre-friends stuff that happened. It's like you knew all the wrong things about the relationship and had accepted them. But it seems like once they found someone and said it out loud that you're not going work as a couple, suddenly you felt all the emotions. What I'm getting is that you know your wants and needs were different but you're more hurt that they were the one who rejected/abandoned you.


3.5 years is not a short time, but rethinking about the narrative could help you a lot with moving on.
This actually seems like a good way of putting it. Does this attachment style have a name? Do you know more about it? Because it does feel like behind the obvious sadness of losing him and the way we were together, there is also something underlying that has more to do with me as a person and the way I love.
 
This actually seems like a good way of putting it. Does this attachment style have a name? Do you know more about it? Because it does feel like behind the obvious sadness of losing him and the way we were together, there is also something underlying that has more to do with me as a person and the way I love.

Based on what I've read, there are different types of attachment styles, such as anxious, avoidant, both, secure etc. With the way you said that you didn't like too much closeness, but also felt really sad by being abandoned, I guess you could be both of avoidant and anxious. But you can read more about them here or on other websites to decide yourself.
 
Have any of you ever gotten a bit buzzed at a house party, taken a cute guy to the bathroom, enjoyed some casual hooking up, sat upon the sink counter, leaned a bit too far back, unknowingly had your shirt land atop a lit candle, saw your entire backside engulfed in flames, and shamefully taken your shirtless (and thankfully only slightly scarred) self to find the event host and ask for a tshirt to borrow… all while the love your life is enjoying the party in a neighboring room?




Just me? I think I’ve yet to find my deeper well…
I haven't posted in a moment partially because I feel like I'm just repeating myself at this point, and also because I guess I'm a bit embarrassed by the circumstances I've gotten myself into. Mr. Doorman remains a prominent part of my life - if I'm being honest, he's probably become the most prominent part of my life at the moment. There's no one I see &/or speak to nearly as much as him, and he's truly the person I enjoy spending time with the most. He has ended just about any sort of physical affection, essentially noting that we should focus on being friends - and establishing that he just doesn't find us sexually/physically compatible. I let him know I disagree, but that I respect his feelings and love him enough to work through my own. I know not getting what I want from him is reason enough to get out, but I value the emotional connection too much to let him go. We went out for ice cream the other night, and were making jokes about how we're about to hit our one-year anniversary, only to run into a group who overheard us and wished us a 'Happy Anniversary.' We both gave looks of disgust and quickly retorted that's not what it is at all. They corrected to a 'Happy Situationshipiversary?,' and we both cheered. On the drive back to his place, he let me know that he truly loves me and considers me his best friend in Los Angeles. I told him he's also become one of my best friends, but now I have to reconcile the fact that I'm in love with one of my best friends. He's struggled find any work since losing the job at my gym a couple months back, so we were both under the impression he would have to move back home to Arizona at the end of last month. I figured him moving away would provide the perfect solution to my conundrum. Admittedly, I have been supporting him financially until he gets back on his feet, and I was going to discontinue that offer. Well, in the last week he got both his tax return and a new job, so it looks like he'll remain in place for the foreseeable future. Now I have the challenge of actually dealing with my feelings, making tough decisions, and setting real boundaries (something I think we can all agree I struggle with). Wish me luck.

Because I'm not a full-blown idiot (I think), I have still been maintaining a love life outside of the foolish crush above. Yes, I'm still hooking up with Doorman's former roommate. Yes, I'm still hooking up with my married YA author. Yes, I'm still hooking up with a guy I'll now refer to as Mr. Big (simply because it is the largest... mister I have ever dealt with). Yes, I'm still receiving DMs from the confusing married British bloke I mentioned a few pages back (who accosted a friend of mine at a party just to talk about how cute he thinks I am - weird). I randomly got drinks with The Crush (who you may remember from summer 2022; the guy who got me over The Ex but ultimately wanted to be friends) and it was a really lovely catch-up; he's very much in love, and while my crush remains fully intact, I am very happy for him. I've added a few new roster candidates (no one worth noting at this point), and met a couple of lovely guys while I had a week in the Big Apple for work (one I met on Grindr before we ended up doing an adorable coffee date outside my office that ended with a makeout and a potential trip to Miami). And yes, as previously posted, I did end up ablaze while hooking up with a guy at a party; the scars are now thankfully gone, and I never heard from the guy again. I also recently found myself on the most horrific drug trip of my life thanks to another suitor, and I'm going to leave that man in that cursed daze.

What is worth discussing is the lovely gentleman I met on Hinge last month. He's really not my type, but seemed great on paper and pushed to immediately meet in person, so I figured I'd give it a shot. I had a great time and he pushed to meet again two more times in the same week. We've done drinks, dinner, watching movies at his place, cuddles on the couch, cute makeouts, sleeping over... it's all very sweet. He's taking things slow physically, which worries me, but I genuinely enjoy my time with him. After our first week, he had to go out of town for a long trip. He's still away, so we'll see what sort of connection we have when he's back. Not going to get my hopes up this early, but it's off to a nice start. I have an unrelated first date set for Saturday, and am doing what I can to get my mind off Mr. Doorman... while still scheduling multiple hangs with him later this week. Again, boundaries and space to come... hopefully.
Also, I had another conversation with Mr. Doorman last night about ‘us’ after he shared that the hot, muscley ginger he recently started also seeing (they did a weekend getaway last month, and I recently dropped him off at his place… I know, I can hear the resounding “gurrrrrlllll”s from a mile away) seems like he wants a relationship - and Doorman isn’t interested. Somehow it lead to us once again discussing why we can’t try our hand at something more - emotionally or physically - with me questioning why he would choose a series of seemingly toxic, mid suitors when a hot, sweet guy like me is right in front of him (I realize it all sounds very vain, but I also haven’t lost my entire self-worth in this). To summarize his deafening silence-filled answer: he just doesn’t feel that for me, he never will, and he feels like a shitty person for not being able to give me what I want. I reassured him that he is an incredible guy, and while his answer bums me out, I will work on respecting his feelings and dropping the subject going forward. Now I’ve spent the rest of the night laying awake, sorting out if I have the strength to cancel our Friday night plans that I was really looking forward to, knowing it’s probably the start of the distance I need to begin creating between us.
So you’ve accepted the fact that your situationship has officially fallen for someone else, knowing they’ll never feel the same way about you, and despite the amount of tears & heartbreak, you believe this may finally be the thing that forces you to move on.

Cut to a week later and you find yourself at dinner with situationship because he texts you to hang moments after deciding this would be the one night this week you don’t hang with him (yeah, those boundaries? Never set them). And while on said dinner, he gets an essay of a text out of the blue from the aforementioned ‘someone else’ breaking things off, and then you’re left to console a clearly shaken and brokenhearted situationship for the night… platonically speaking, of course, because you’re still never going to get what you want in this situation.

How have I let myself get here?
I'll post something longer down the line, but I have cut off my situationship and it is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. It's only been a few days, so it feels dramatic saying this, but he was the one person I contacted every single day (and had done so for at least 8 months) and it just feels so strange knowing I can't. I told him I need time to figure out if I can truly just be a friend to him, and that I'll let him know when/if I get to that place. Who knows it this will happen, or how long it will take if it does, but I know this is what's best for me. Of course I ran into him less than 24 hours after having the conversation, and then got partnered with someone sharing his name in my workout class the following day, so the universe is definitely testing me. I have refrained from telling most people as I don't trust that I won't break and go right back to him, but I am trying. I really want to save our friendship but neither of us are being the friend the other needs in our current state, so I had to take action.

Outside of that, what are all your thoughts on hooking up with cousins? Not your own, but having a threesome with two self-proclaimed straight men who are each married, with kids, and are each other's cousins?
@UncleDeSeanAli & @Rmx 's ex/friend plights really struck me as I'm not not in a similar boat. I am in love with one of my best friends and I can't truly be friends with him if I'm still in love.

But here we are, two full weeks free of Mr. Doorman... and it feels terrible. As much as I know this situationship was taking a toll on me, I just really miss having him in my life. I miss talking to him, hanging out with him, texting him every day. It's honestly really lonely and boring without him in my life, even as just a friend. That said, I can still feel those toxic pangs of envy/jealousy/insecurity when I think about him, so I'm trying my hardest to maintain my self-imposed boundary until I get to a place where he can exist in my mind without those side effects. Because he can't just be a friend if I still have those feelings.

The night after his new guy broke things off with him, he told me he just wanted to be alone... cut to me checking in the next day and finding out he'd spent the night with him and convinced him to take him back. I didn't expect it to cut as deeply as it did, but it made me realize this is a person and a relationship he will go out of his way to fight for... in a way he would never do for me, regardless of how poorly the other person treats him. That was a painful realization for me. I told him this during our next hang, where he revealed he'd also recently hooked up with a member of the the dreaded Silver Lake Gays, one who helped lead the charge of exiling him from the group and spent months treating him horribly. He told me he felt terrible afterward, noting that it made him feel bad for the guy he's seeing. I turned to him and gave him a full Kristen Wiig/Bridesmaids "are you fucking kidding me?" in response, pointing out how much this stuff has been hurting me, and how I'm the only one truly getting caught in the crossfire of his decisions. I let him know that I can't stand by and watch him be treated like trash by people he still devotes his time, energy and body to. I said that knowing he'd rather make these choices than pursue something with me is a pill I'm struggling to swallow and that I may need some real space from him. I truly shouldn't be so affected by these scenarios that do not involve me, but I'm too emotionally attached not to be. So I took the next few days and made the decision that I need to cut him off, full stop, to finally create emotional and physical space to protect myself. He's never going to 'choose me', per se, and I continue to feel some type of way about it, and I need to work on myself to move on from that.

I took him to a lovely dinner and drinks two nights later where I told him all this, reiterating that we are not being the friends we each need from each other right now, that changes need to be made in order to make that happen, and that I'm going to take an unspecified amount of time until I can get to that place. He was as supportive and respectful as I expected, and I dropped him off and gave him a big hug and kiss on the cheek goodbye. Seeing my Valentine’s Day card still displayed on his bedside table was the thing that really sat with me - a nice reminder that there is genuine love between us. He sent me the new Justice/Tame Impala song on my drive home and we agreed it was a perfect sendoff track for the time being. Outside of the accidental next-night run-in, we haven't been in touch in any way, and as mentioned, it's been tough. I'm hopeful I can get to a place where I can just be his friend, but please send strength until I get to that place. This is certainly the hardest break up (is it even fair to call it that?) I've ever had to initiate, and it's one of the most difficult things I've ever put myself through emotionally. It all coming on the one-year anniversary of our meeting hasn't helped (how I even got myself into a year-long situationship, I'll never know), but I remain trucking on.

I’ve tried to keep myself distracted since then, not helped by the fact that the guy I went on the great dates with in March ghosted me; as did the Hinge guy I was meant to go on a first date with. Sex-wise, things remain as fun and chaotic as ever. News of my flammable hookup has made the rounds with the neighborhood gays, but it hasn’t stopped me from getting action. There’s the daddy who happens to live next door to my gym bestie, the public triple kiss, the 20-year-old college student with the fake ID (probably should be better about asking ages before I hook up), and the aforementioned cousins… which I will explain.

I popped by my neighborhood gay bar last week for a nightcap, and ran into a local TV weatherman I recognized & have a crush on (one I know is straight, married, and has children based on previous Insta stalking). We were standing next to each other at the bar, and I’d had a few drinks in me already, so I decided to tell him I knew who he was, that I was a fan, and that I foolishly had a little crush on him. He let me know his cousin was visiting and wanted to come to this bar, so he came along to be a good friend. I told him that was really nice of him and wished him a good night. Cut to me waiting in line for the restroom at the back of the bar, and him coming up to me, pinning me against the wall, making out with me, and letting me know he’s getting divorced, exploring his sexuality, thinks it’s really hot I’m into him, and wanted to go home with me. The whole thing was really shocking and hot, and so I obviously went along with it. He asked if his cousin could join, saying he’d promised him a good time and that the cousin is also married, with children, and on the DL. So on we went and had a night of good fun. Again, I never asked about their dynamic, just assuming they’re cousins by marriage (or longtime friends who call each other cousins), but it really wasn’t my business. The cousin has since returned home, and I have continued hooking up with the divorcing DL TV weatherman. Is this an affair? Am I the other woman? I'm not sure, but it's fun, meaningless, and I don't ask questions.

The latest complication in my love life is 2-pronged. There is a guy I've been messaging with on Scruff since last summer, but we've never met in person. I would like to, but he weirdly avoids any opportunity to do so. Normally I would just ignore this person, but he is one of the most attractive men I've ever spoken with, and I've come to enjoy our regular messaging - about life, about work, about family, about sex. I've wondered if I'm just being catfished, but we have too many Instagram mutuals for that to be the case, so ultimately I'm just being dumb. On an unrelated note, my good friend Mr. New In Town has had this gym crush he's been confiding in me about for months. They go on cute dates, have major flirtation, but never act on anything in fear of damaging their comfortable gym situation. Last weekend, I met up with Mr. New In Town for drinks and he let me know his gym crush was also in attendance. I was excited to finally meet this guy, but he walks up and who should he be? Mr. Messaging himself. I could see we were both startled to encounter each other, but he still hugged me and said it was so good to finally meet me. My friend asked how we knew each other, and Mr. Messaging said in embarrassment that he's basically been leading me on for ages. Most of the night was spent watching their flirtation and touchy/kissy vibe, which wasn't a great feeling, until Mr. Messaging pulled me aside and apologized profusely for never meeting up and once again for 'leading me on.' He said he's just weird about meeting people from the apps and that it has nothing to do with me. Sure. Regardless, I told him it's fine, it's not serious, and we proceeded to make out. Boy was it a great makeout, and it led to a few more later in the night. The messaging has continued, remaining as hot and flirty as ever, and I'm back to pushing to get more time with him in person, while also knowing - and feeling conflicted - about my good friend's feelings for him.

Love. It's never easy, and it's always embarrassing, isn't it?
 
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Let me be a bitter, tired bitch for a second but “Love” fucking sucks and I’m so tired of the uncertain “str8” guy bullshit (including passionate arguments born out of a misunderstanding where we mention how much we care for each other and still want each other in our lives but just can’t) and I have no desire for the artsy, polyam gays that seem to want me badly.

I hate it. I wish I was in love with my career.
 
We met up.

Beautiful spring day in the city. We both drove there in our own cars. I got out of the parking garage and saw him sitting on a park bench. I hugged him a lot and really pressed myself against him, he went along with it, but didn't give too much. We sat down, talked. He was in a pretty bad mood right out of the gate. He told me that he is pretty depressed at the moment. For one, because the new guy he had been dating since the end of january told him that he isn't ready for a relationship right now. And that really made him spiral after the breakup. Because, just like I had kept myself busy hooking up casually and then being sad that my ex had moved on, he distracted himself by pursuing something serious right away.

He complained about how he's not enjoying life right now, lacks friends, doesn't like where he lives anymore. The guy he was seeing (probably still is seeing) never came to visit him at his place only the other way around.

Of course this admission, this telling me that it wasn't all easy for him either was kind of a relief to me. But it also sparked a bit of hope that we could maybe start something up again. We spent around 5 hours together, talked a lot, went over our relationship again and again, reached dead ends - like him reiterating that he doesn't want to be intimate with me anymore, we laughed. I kept asking him, if its okay to touch his hand, lean on his shoulder. He hesitated quite a bit, but let me do it. He didn't squeeze my hand back at the start - but later he did. I could feel him kind of giving in to my advances. He also suggested we meet up again soon. I also cried a lot, because I told him about my diagnosis and how hard life has been.

He stood by his rule of no intimacy, just friendship the entire way through up until he suggested we go home now. We had met in a city that is equal distance between his place and mine, so 100km for him, 100km for me. We went back to the parking garage, he could feel a change in my mood. I told him that I'm getting sad, because we were heading back and the beautiful day was over. He patted my back, and said that we should sit down on the bench from the beginning. So we did. Talked some more. Then he suggested that he would bring me to my car, into the parking garage and I could drop him off at his car which was parked somewhere else. That already felt... weird to me, but oddly comforting. So we headed into the garage, drove outside towards where he had parked. I stopped. And then we hugged for like 5 minutes straight. He squeezed me very intently, caressed me, I started crying again. When we finally pulled away from each other, we kissed. Only once, then another quick kiss and then with tongue.

Afterwards, he told me "we'll text. we'll see each other". And then he got out of the car.

I don't really know what to make of this. We did text yesterday. But only casually. I'm afraid to talk about the kiss, because I don't want him to say it was just a spur of the moment kind of thing. But I am feeling better, more hopeful right now.

This is a mess.


For context:
Has anyone ever successfully become friends with their ex, even after they had broken up with you?
Thats kind of my situation right now. My ex says he wants to be friends, nothing more. I still have deeper feelings and desire a certain intimacy with him again. He knows all this, doesn't want that, yet still wants to be friends.

I can't shake the feeling that he
A. only pretends wanting to be friends, so that I cave in and finally leave him alone
B. only wants to be friends to stop me from being so sad (I've told him multiple times how the last few months have been hell)

To give a quick timeline of what happened:

We were together for 3,5 years. Long distance relationship (200km). It had become apparent that we wanted different things: He wanted to move in together soon, I wanted to concentrate on my career - which means moving where the job is. I liked the long distance, he wants someone to come home to each day after work - not just the weekends. He wanted to cuddle every night, I liked sleeping on my own side of the bed. He wanted us both to be vers, I grew to love pretty much exclusively being a bottom in the relationship. He wants to be monogamous, I pondered the idea of opening the relationship. That hurt him a lot.

He finally suggested that we go from a relationship to "friends with benefits" before christmas, I agreed based on all our differences and I felt relief for a bit. I hooked up with someone else, then he did, but we were still "together" until mid january. Thats when I drove home from his place, just like I had always done and after that everything changed. We had agreed to update each other on sexual encounters, just so we could still be safe together when we wanted to hook up. But hearing about one of his romantic dates made me realize that I don't want to know that much. So we stopped talking about dates we had.

A month went by. No contact. I was feeling weird, yet optimistic. Hooked up, a lot. Didn't have to tell him about it. That felt great. But after three weeks, I really started to miss him. So after a month, I decided to give him a call. This is where I found out that he was pretty much dating the person from his very first actual date. They had been seeing each other for 5 weeks. And he told me, he didn't want to be intimate with me anymore. Not ever. I cried a lot. I begged. I felt and still feel so rejected and blindsided by this.

I tried to quit him, cold turkey. No contact. Another month went by, I was a mess again. This time worse. I begged him again on a video call. No. Only friendship.

Rinse and repeat.

I call him again, this time more desperate than ever before. It's a no. I haven't ever felt days quite as dark as these last three weeks. I have trouble eating, sleeping, going to work, I've cried in peoples arms. I'm also in therapy and have been diagnosed with moderate depression. It's hard for me to accept that he doesn't want to be physically intimate anymore, for me many aspects of the relationship worked even if it wasn't perfect. And I get wanting to move on, but I hate that he is so extremely monogamous that he had to stop loving me. I still love him. I crave the familiarity. I have visions of our trips together, our running jokes, his face. I wake up feeling so alone now.

Yeah, so much for quick timeline.
 
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@UncleDeSeanAli & @Rmx 's ex/friend plights really struck me as I'm not not in a similar boat. I am in love with one of my best friends and I can't truly be friends with him if I'm still in love.

But here we are, two full weeks free of Mr. Doorman... and it feels terrible. As much as I know this situationship was taking a toll on me, I just really miss having him in my life. I miss talking to him, hanging out with him, texting him every day. It's honestly really lonely and boring without him in my life, even as just a friend. That said, I can still feel those toxic pangs of envy/jealousy/insecurity when I think about him, so I'm trying my hardest to maintain my self-imposed boundary until I get to a place where he can exist in my mind without those side effects. Because he can't just be a friend if I still have those feelings.

The night after his new guy broke things off with him, he told me he just wanted to be alone... cut to me checking in the next day and finding out he'd spent the night with him and convinced him to take him back. I didn't expect it to cut as deeply as it did, but it made me realize this is a person and a relationship he will go out of his way to fight for... in a way he would never do for me, regardless of how poorly the other person treats him. That was a painful realization for me. I told him this during our next hang, where he revealed he'd also recently hooked up with a member of the the dreaded Silver Lake Gays, one who helped lead the charge of exiling him from the group and spent months treating him horribly. He told me he felt terrible afterward, noting that it made him feel bad for the guy he's seeing. I turned to him and gave him a full Kristen Wiig/Bridesmaids "are you fucking kidding me?" in response, pointing out how much this stuff has been hurting me, and how I'm the only one truly getting caught in the crossfire of his decisions. I let him know that I can't stand by and watch him be treated like trash by people he still devotes his time, energy and body to them. I said that knowing he'd rather make these choices than pursue something with me is a pill I'm struggling to swallow and that I may need some real space from him. I truly shouldn't be so affected by these scenarios that do not involve me, but I'm too emotionally attached not to be. So I took the next few days and made the decision that I need to cut him off, full stop, to finally create emotional and physical space to protect myself. He's never going to 'choose me', per se, and I continue to feel some type of way about it, and I need to work on myself to move on from that.

I took him to a lovely dinner and drinks two nights later where I told him all this, reiterating that we are not being the friends we each need from each other right now, that changes need to be made in order to make that happen, and that I'm going to take an unspecified amount of time until I can get to that place. He was as supportive and respectful as I expected, and I dropped him off and gave him a big hug and kiss on the cheek goodbye. Seeing my Valentine’s Day card still displayed on his bedside table was the thing that really sat with me - a nice reminder that there is genuine love between us. He sent me the new Justice/Tame Impala song on my drive home and we agreed it was a perfect sendoff track for the time being. Outside of the accidental next-night run-in, we haven't been in touch in any way, and as mentioned, it's been tough. I'm hopeful I can get to a place where I can just be his friend, but please send strength until I get to that place. This is certainly the hardest break up (is it even fair to call it that?) I've ever had to initiate, and it's one of the most difficult things I've ever put myself through emotionally. It all coming on the one-year anniversary of our meeting hasn't helped (how I even got myself into a year-long situationship, I'll never know), but I remain trucking on.

I’ve tried to keep myself distracted since then, not helped by the fact that the guy I went on the great dates with in March ghosted me; as did the Hinge guy I was meant to go on a first date with. Sex-wise, things remain as fun and chaotic as ever. News of my flammable hookup has made the rounds with the neighborhood gays, but it hasn’t stopped me from getting action. There’s the daddy who happens to live next door to my gym bestie, the public triple kiss, the 20-year-old college student with the fake ID (probably should be better about asking ages before I hook up), and the aforementioned cousins… which I will explain.

I popped by my neighborhood gay bar last week for a nightcap, and ran into a local TV weatherman I recognized & have a crush on (one I know is straight, married, and has children based on previous Insta stalking). We were standing next to each other at the bar, and I’d had a few drinks in me already, so I decided to tell him I knew who he was, that I was a fan, and that I foolishly had a little crush on him. He let me know his cousin was visiting and wanted to come to this bar, so he came along to be a good friend. I told him that was really nice of him and wished him a good night. Cut to me waiting in line for the restroom at the back of the bar, and him coming up to me, pinning me against the wall, making out with me, and letting me know he’s getting divorced, exploring his sexuality, thinks it’s really hot I’m into him, and wanted to go home with me. The whole thing was really shocking and hot, and so I obviously went along with it. He asked if his cousin could join, saying he’d promised him a good time and that the cousin is also married, with children, and on the DL. So on we went and had a night of good fun. Again, I never asked about their dynamic, just assuming they’re cousins by marriage (or longtime friends who call each other cousins), but it really wasn’t my business. The cousin has since returned home, and I have continued hooking up with the divorcing DL TV weatherman. Is this an affair? Am I the other woman? I'm not sure, but it's fun, meaningless, and I don't ask questions.

The latest complication in my love life is 2-pronged. There is a guy I've been messaging with on Scruff since last summer, but we've never met in person. I would like to, but he weirdly avoids any opportunity to do so. Normally I would just ignore this person, but he is one of the most attractive men I've ever spoken with, and I've come to enjoy our regular messaging - about life, about work, about family, about sex. I've wondered if I'm just being catfished, but we have too many Instagram mutuals for that to be the case, so ultimately I'm just being dumb. On an unrelated note, my good friend Mr. New In Town has had this gym crush he's been confiding in me about for months. They go on cute dates, have major flirtation, but never act on anything in fear of damaging their comfortable gym situation. Last weekend, I met up with Mr. New In Town for drinks and he let me know his gym crush was also in attendance. I was excited to finally meet this guy, but he walks up and who should he be? Mr. Messaging himself. I could see we were both startled to encounter each other, but he still hugged me and said it was so good to finally meet me. My friend asked how we knew each other, and Mr. Messaging said in embarrassment that he's basically been leading me on for ages. Most of the night was spent watching their flirtation and touchy/kissy vibe, which wasn't a great feeling, until Mr. Messaging pulled me aside and apologized profusely for never meeting up and once again for 'leading me on.' He said he's just weird about meeting people from the apps and that it has nothing to do with me. Sure. Regardless, I told him it's fine, it's not serious, and we proceeded to make out. Boy was it a great makeout, and it led to a few more later in the night. The messaging has continued, remaining as hot and flirty as ever, and I'm back to pushing to get more time with him in person, while also knowing - and feeling conflicted - about my good friend's feelings for him.

Love. It's never easy, and it's always embarrassing, isn't it?
I read through the entire saga and can say I really feel for you. It's tough to keep away from someone when you've focused a lot of your attention on them like you have with this Mr. Doorman. I hope that you're keeping your head up and you're able to move on from him for good, if only to feel less sad. At the same time, I know how it is. And it's probably natural even if you "fall back".

There is a parallel that I find fascinating. Mr. Doorman seemed to turn to you to talk about his misfortune in relationship/dating; just like my ex did. And I really don't know what this does to your psyche or mine. This whole thing of "agreeing to be friends, even if I still want more from you" only to then be hit with the HONEST retelling of someones love life. I'm so glad I'm going to a therapy session in a bit.
 
He asked me to be his boyfriend on Sunday night hehe!! Said he was planning on asking when we see Kacey together this coming weekend but he couldn’t wait. After a ridiculous amount of dating over the last 8 years and never having had a relationship, I started to think I was truly unlovable in that way, so I’m very glad to be proven wrong!!

Eeeeeek congrats babe!!!
 

Island

Staff member
My ex and I are supposed to be seeing each other and interacting for the first time today in a group setting in 3 months. Granted, this feels more like him throwing me a bone rather than genuinely wanting to see me or be my friend but we’ll see how this goes.

If he doesn’t want to be my friend or keeps avoiding me after I get back from vacation in late June, then I’m probably just going to dump the idea of maintaining a friendship.
This went well!
 
I'm beyond tired of my friend. She can never talk about my experiences and life. It's always about her. The problem is she's my best friend and I'm so depressed about not being able to form meaningful connections where the other person is actually invested in me to a healthy degree. It's making me feel like there's something horribly wrong with me even though I know I've treated all the people who have abandoned me well. Not like I've never done anything wrong in a friendship. I have. But I've made such an effort to be a present and invested friend.
 
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We met up.

Beautiful spring day in the city. We both drove there in our own cars. I got out of the parking garage and saw him sitting on a park bench. I hugged him a lot and really pressed myself against him, he went along with it, but didn't give too much. We sat down, talked. He was in a pretty bad mood right out of the gate. He told me that he is pretty depressed at the moment. For one, because the new guy he had been dating since the end of january told him that he isn't ready for a relationship right now. And that really made him spiral after the breakup. Because, just like I had kept myself busy hooking up casually and then being sad that my ex had moved on, he distracted himself by pursuing something serious right away.

He complained about how he's not enjoying life right now, lacks friends, doesn't like where he lives anymore. The guy he was seeing (probably still is seeing) never came to visit him at his place only the other way around.

Of course this admission, this telling me that it wasn't all easy for him either was kind of a relief to me. But it also sparked a bit of hope that we could maybe start something up again. We spent around 5 hours together, talked a lot, went over our relationship again and again, reached dead ends - like him reiterating that he doesn't want to be intimate with me anymore, we laughed. I kept asking him, if its okay to touch his hand, lean on his shoulder. He hesitated quite a bit, but let me do it. He didn't squeeze my hand back at the start - but later he did. I could feel him kind of giving in to my advances. He also suggested we meet up again soon. I also cried a lot, because I told him about my diagnosis and how hard life has been.

He stood by his rule of no intimacy, just friendship the entire way through up until he suggested we go home now. We had met in a city that is equal distance between his place and mine, so 100km for him, 100km for me. We went back to the parking garage, he could feel a change in my mood. I told him that I'm getting sad, because we were heading back and the beautiful day was over. He patted my back, and said that we should sit down on the bench from the beginning. So we did. Talked some more. Then he suggested that he would bring me to my car, into the parking garage and I could drop him off at his car which was parked somewhere else. That already felt... weird to me, but oddly comforting. So we headed into the garage, drove outside towards where he had parked. I stopped. And then we hugged for like 5 minutes straight. He squeezed me very intently, caressed me, I started crying again. When we finally pulled away from each other, we kissed. Only once, then another quick kiss and then with tongue.

Afterwards, he told me "we'll text. we'll see each other". And then he got out of the car.

I don't really know what to make of this. We did text yesterday. But only casually. I'm afraid to talk about the kiss, because I don't want him to say it was just a spur of the moment kind of thing. But I am feeling better, more hopeful right now.

This is a mess.


For context:
What are you doing sis
 
We met up.

Beautiful spring day in the city. We both drove there in our own cars. I got out of the parking garage and saw him sitting on a park bench. I hugged him a lot and really pressed myself against him, he went along with it, but didn't give too much. We sat down, talked. He was in a pretty bad mood right out of the gate. He told me that he is pretty depressed at the moment. For one, because the new guy he had been dating since the end of january told him that he isn't ready for a relationship right now. And that really made him spiral after the breakup. Because, just like I had kept myself busy hooking up casually and then being sad that my ex had moved on, he distracted himself by pursuing something serious right away.

He complained about how he's not enjoying life right now, lacks friends, doesn't like where he lives anymore. The guy he was seeing (probably still is seeing) never came to visit him at his place only the other way around.

Of course this admission, this telling me that it wasn't all easy for him either was kind of a relief to me. But it also sparked a bit of hope that we could maybe start something up again. We spent around 5 hours together, talked a lot, went over our relationship again and again, reached dead ends - like him reiterating that he doesn't want to be intimate with me anymore, we laughed. I kept asking him, if its okay to touch his hand, lean on his shoulder. He hesitated quite a bit, but let me do it. He didn't squeeze my hand back at the start - but later he did. I could feel him kind of giving in to my advances. He also suggested we meet up again soon. I also cried a lot, because I told him about my diagnosis and how hard life has been.

He stood by his rule of no intimacy, just friendship the entire way through up until he suggested we go home now. We had met in a city that is equal distance between his place and mine, so 100km for him, 100km for me. We went back to the parking garage, he could feel a change in my mood. I told him that I'm getting sad, because we were heading back and the beautiful day was over. He patted my back, and said that we should sit down on the bench from the beginning. So we did. Talked some more. Then he suggested that he would bring me to my car, into the parking garage and I could drop him off at his car which was parked somewhere else. That already felt... weird to me, but oddly comforting. So we headed into the garage, drove outside towards where he had parked. I stopped. And then we hugged for like 5 minutes straight. He squeezed me very intently, caressed me, I started crying again. When we finally pulled away from each other, we kissed. Only once, then another quick kiss and then with tongue.

Afterwards, he told me "we'll text. we'll see each other". And then he got out of the car.

I don't really know what to make of this. We did text yesterday. But only casually. I'm afraid to talk about the kiss, because I don't want him to say it was just a spur of the moment kind of thing. But I am feeling better, more hopeful right now.

This is a mess.


For context:
Oh no, I wouldn't have advised meeting him and now this seems to have further complicated things.

I know you still hope to get with him again, but I don't think they feel the same for you and I don't want you to get your hopes up.

I feel the reminiscing and remembering the good times have added to the heighten emotions, as well as him being in a bad mood, and led to hugging and kissing.

Try to work through it and look after yourself.
 
Gosh, I’m going through something girlies.
I’m mid-20s and have never had a relationship and have had big hang ups about sex along the way.
I’ve started seeing someone and I actually feel romance and lust and affection for an individual, for the first time in my life. I’d started to believe I wasn’t capable of these feelings, and so even if this is just a short term situation, it’s just been such a revelation. Moments with him have felt so special and tender. I finally feel like I’m living that teenage dream I’d always longed for. Maybe only now am I ready for it.

It’s weird how these things just creep up on you when you’re not expecting it.
 
Gosh, I’m going through something girlies.
I’m mid-20s and have never had a relationship and have had big hang ups about sex along the way.
I’ve started seeing someone and I actually feel romance and lust and affection for an individual, for the first time in my life. I’d started to believe I wasn’t capable of these feelings, and so even if this is just a short term situation, it’s just been such a revelation. Moments with him have felt so special and tender. I finally feel like I’m living that teenage dream I’d always longed for. Maybe only now am I ready for it.

It’s weird how these things just creep up on you when you’re not expecting it.
Aww great to hear that this relationship has been rewarding in more ways than one for you!
 
I'm beyond tired of my friend. She can never talk about my experiences and life. It's always about her. The problem is she's my best friend and I'm so depressed about not being able to form meaningful connections when the other person is actually invested in me to a healthy degree. It's making me feel like there's something horribly wrong with me even though I know I've treated all the people who have abandoned me well. Not like I've never done anything wrong in a friendship. I have. But I've made such an effort to be a present and invested friend.
Sorry to hear about your situation.

Have you tried finding a therapist to discuss these things with? It would mean being less reliant on your best friend.
 
Sorry to hear about your situation.

Have you tried finding a therapist to discuss these things with? It would mean being less reliant on your best friend.
I'm currently getting set up with a new therapist because the one I had moved to another agency (or maybe even another profession. She didn't say). The thing is: I can't even get this friend to engage with me about non-heavy stuff. She literally is incapable of talking about anything other than herself. She's always been like this but since her divorce, it's gotten really bad. It's almost kind of disturbing.

I almost feel like dropping this person, but I don't want her to feel like someone else is abandoning her (because that's how she sees her divorce. In reality, I think she kind of abandoned him TBH).

I'm afraid that we became friends through trauma-bonding and now that she doesn't want to engage on that level, there's nothing there. It's extremely distressing because I don't have any other close friendships (and now I wonder how close it really was) and all my romantic relationships have failed spectacularly, to point that I actively afraid to get into another one.
 
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I'm currently getting set up with a new therapist because the one I had moved to another agency (or maybe even another profession. She didn't say). The thing is: I can't even get this friend to engage with me about non-heavy stuff. She literally is incapable of talking about anything other than herself. She's always been like this but since her divorce, it's gotten really bad. It's almost kind of disturbing.

I almost feel like dropping this person, but I don't want her to feel like someone else is abandoning her (because that's how she sees her divorce. In reality, I think she kind of abandoned him TBH).

I'm afraid that we became friends through trauma-bonding and now that she doesn't want to engage on that level, there's nothing there. It's extremely distressing because I don't have any other close friendships (and now I wonder how close it really was) and all my romantics relationships have failed spectacularly.
Ah, that is good news and hopefully another therapist will be sorted quickly for you.

Yeah it does seem like you did bond over the trauma, but now it seems that your friend isn't offering much and feels one sided. May be slowly limit your interaction if them?

Are any work colleagues worth getting to know or if your work place have social events? Might be worth a try.
 
Ah, that is good news and hopefully another therapist will be sorted quickly for you.

Yeah it does seem like you did bond over the trauma, but now it seems that your friend isn't offering much and feels one sided. May be slowly limit your interaction if them?

Are any work colleagues worth getting to know or if your work place have social events? Might be worth a try.
Yeah, a couple work colleagues are worth getting to know, but the frustrating thing is that one of the ones I've clicked with is moving to California. That happens to me a lot.

The relationship was always one-sided, but before her divorce, she was able to hide that it was. But now, she's not even pretending to be reciprocal. I remember even back in the day, she would send me whole novels about her problems and I would respond to almost everything and then she'd be MIA when I turned to her or she'd say that my mental problems are "too big" for her to deal with even though it's mostly loneliness, which lots of people experience.

My problems were too severe for her to deal with, but somehow even in the midst of that severity, I was able to engage with her shit. It makes me very angry.

I definitely have been texting her a lot less (maybe a couple times a month), but I just get so lonely and end up reaching out because of that.
 
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Yeah, a couple work colleagues are worth getting to know, but the frustrating thing is that one of the ones I've clicked with is moving to California. That happens to me a lot.

The relationship was always one-sided, but before her divorce, she was able to hide that it was. But now, she's not even pretending to be reciprocal. I remember even back in the day, she would send me whole novels about her problems and I would respond to almost everything and then she'd be MIA when I turned to her or she'd say that my mental problems are "too big" for her to deal with even though it's mostly loneliness, which lots of people experience.

My problems were too severe for her to deal with, but somehow even in the midst of that severity, I was able to engage with her shit. It makes me very angry.

I definitely have been texting her a lot less, but I just get so lonely and end up reaching out because of that.
Good to know there are other colleagues to get to know. It sucks that the one you clicked with is moving, but hopefully, you can message them still to keep the friendship?

Yeah, definitely limit your interaction with her, especially since they aren't even taking an interest in your problems. Try your best not to interact with her despite feeling lonely, sometimes being by yourself if better than having to put up with terrible friendship.
 
I read through the entire saga and can say I really feel for you. It's tough to keep away from someone when you've focused a lot of your attention on them like you have with this Mr. Doorman. I hope that you're keeping your head up and you're able to move on from him for good, if only to feel less sad. At the same time, I know how it is. And it's probably natural even if you "fall back".

There is a parallel that I find fascinating. Mr. Doorman seemed to turn to you to talk about his misfortune in relationship/dating; just like my ex did. And I really don't know what this does to your psyche or mine. This whole thing of "agreeing to be friends, even if I still want more from you" only to then be hit with the HONEST retelling of someones love life. I'm so glad I'm going to a therapy session in a bit.
Well that’s the thing: he wants to confide in me about every aspect of his love life, and I’m not ready to be there for him. Until I get there, I can’t be the friend he needs, so I’m taking the necessary space to see if I can’t eventually get there.
We met up.

Beautiful spring day in the city. We both drove there in our own cars. I got out of the parking garage and saw him sitting on a park bench. I hugged him a lot and really pressed myself against him, he went along with it, but didn't give too much. We sat down, talked. He was in a pretty bad mood right out of the gate. He told me that he is pretty depressed at the moment. For one, because the new guy he had been dating since the end of january told him that he isn't ready for a relationship right now. And that really made him spiral after the breakup. Because, just like I had kept myself busy hooking up casually and then being sad that my ex had moved on, he distracted himself by pursuing something serious right away.

He complained about how he's not enjoying life right now, lacks friends, doesn't like where he lives anymore. The guy he was seeing (probably still is seeing) never came to visit him at his place only the other way around.

Of course this admission, this telling me that it wasn't all easy for him either was kind of a relief to me. But it also sparked a bit of hope that we could maybe start something up again. We spent around 5 hours together, talked a lot, went over our relationship again and again, reached dead ends - like him reiterating that he doesn't want to be intimate with me anymore, we laughed. I kept asking him, if its okay to touch his hand, lean on his shoulder. He hesitated quite a bit, but let me do it. He didn't squeeze my hand back at the start - but later he did. I could feel him kind of giving in to my advances. He also suggested we meet up again soon. I also cried a lot, because I told him about my diagnosis and how hard life has been.

He stood by his rule of no intimacy, just friendship the entire way through up until he suggested we go home now. We had met in a city that is equal distance between his place and mine, so 100km for him, 100km for me. We went back to the parking garage, he could feel a change in my mood. I told him that I'm getting sad, because we were heading back and the beautiful day was over. He patted my back, and said that we should sit down on the bench from the beginning. So we did. Talked some more. Then he suggested that he would bring me to my car, into the parking garage and I could drop him off at his car which was parked somewhere else. That already felt... weird to me, but oddly comforting. So we headed into the garage, drove outside towards where he had parked. I stopped. And then we hugged for like 5 minutes straight. He squeezed me very intently, caressed me, I started crying again. When we finally pulled away from each other, we kissed. Only once, then another quick kiss and then with tongue.

Afterwards, he told me "we'll text. we'll see each other". And then he got out of the car.

I don't really know what to make of this. We did text yesterday. But only casually. I'm afraid to talk about the kiss, because I don't want him to say it was just a spur of the moment kind of thing. But I am feeling better, more hopeful right now.

This is a mess.


For context:
On that note, this leaves me concerned. I am happy you guys were able to have a good day, but it still seems like you’re both on very different pages and not in any sort of place to rekindle things - or start a platonic friendship. I think genuine space away from each other will be necessary so you can both work on yourselves, figure out what you each want for yourselves, and then figure out how/if you can fit into each other’s lives. Otherwise you’re just playing with fire and not allowing yourself the opportunity to move on.
 

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