Dating & Relationships

Rmx

He/Him/His
Thank you both for this. I put some boundaries and I have said the date when I need him to move out (first it was by the end of April). The problem is that he can not find an apartment to move still and he is working all day.
Hoping by the end of May he will move because we need space from each other and we want to stay friends.
I told him today that if this continues we will be acquaintances by the end of all.

I'm glad you were able to put some boundaries on this guy. And it's very easy for other people to say "just kick him out", like obviously that wouldn't exactly be a fun experience for the both of you.

I had the chance to hook up with someone today but I didn't do it because I'm still hung up on my (let's all say it together...) ex. But I know this guy from years ago. He's athletic. Handsome. He has a boyfriend but I'm pretty sure they're open since I've hooked up with his bf as well in the past dd. ANYWAY.
 
I'm glad you were able to put some boundaries on this guy. And it's very easy for other people to say "Just kick him out", like obviously that wouldn't exactly be a fun experience for the both of you.

I had the chance to hook up with someone today but I didn't do it because I'm still hung up on my (let's all say it together...) ex. But I know this guy from years ago. He's athletic. Handsome. He has a boyfriend but I'm pretty sure they're open since I've hooked up with his bf as well in the past dd. ANYWAY.
He found the apartment last Sunday and he moved out. It was hard. We both cried that day when I moved him to the other apartment because we had been together for five years and we lived together for all those five years and we built our life together. We are still connected in many other ways.
Today I'm good we still chat and talk and our relationship as friends is miles better than when we were partners.
Still, I don't think I will date or have another relationship for some time because I need my alone single time building my position on my new job and getting better mentally and physically.
 

Rmx

He/Him/His
He found the apartment last Sunday and he moved out. It was hard. We both cried that day when I moved him to the other apartment because we had been together for five years and we lived together for all those five years and we built our life together. We are still connected in many other ways.
Today I'm good we still chat and talk and our relationship as friends is miles better than when we were partners.
Still, I don't think I will date or have another relationship for some time because I need my alone single time building my position on my new job and getting better mentally and physically.

Ahw, I can imagine that was a very sad moment. But I think it was definitely the right thing to do. Sometimes it just works better as friends instead of lovers. It's sad but in the end, a friendship can be just as valuable (if not more). Hug!
 
I pulled thee cutest guy on Friday night, the first time I’ve pulled in a club in 2-3 years. He got back to mine and he was like “please can you put Madonna’s Let It Will Be on” like okay stan!! We’ve arranged to go for a drink tomorrow evening - it’s so hot and refreshing for a guy to be like “I’d like to see you again immediately” and actually make plans, rather than seeming indifferent about going on a date.
He asked me to be his boyfriend on Sunday night hehe!! Said he was planning on asking when we see Kacey together this coming weekend but he couldn’t wait. After a ridiculous amount of dating over the last 8 years and never having had a relationship, I started to think I was truly unlovable in that way, so I’m very glad to be proven wrong!!
 
He asked me to be his boyfriend on Sunday night hehe!! Said he was planning on asking when we see Kacey together this coming weekend but he couldn’t wait. After a ridiculous amount of dating over the last 8 years and never having had a relationship, I started to think I was truly unlovable in that way, so I’m very glad to be proven wrong!!
Aww love it and enjoy the new relationship!
 
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Rmx

He/Him/His
He asked me to be his boyfriend on Sunday night hehe!! Said he was planning on asking when we see Kacey together this coming weekend but he couldn’t wait. After a ridiculous amount of dating over the last 8 years and never having had a relationship, I started to think I was truly unlovable in that way, so I’m very glad to be proven wrong!!

I'm so happy for you! He sounds so lovely.
 
Has anyone ever successfully become friends with their ex, even after they had broken up with you?
Thats kind of my situation right now. My ex says he wants to be friends, nothing more. I still have deeper feelings and desire a certain intimacy with him again. He knows all this, doesn't want that, yet still wants to be friends.

I can't shake the feeling that he
A. only pretends wanting to be friends, so that I cave in and finally leave him alone
B. only wants to be friends to stop me from being so sad (I've told him multiple times how the last few months have been hell)

To give a quick timeline of what happened:

We were together for 3,5 years. Long distance relationship (200km). It had become apparent that we wanted different things: He wanted to move in together soon, I wanted to concentrate on my career - which means moving where the job is. I liked the long distance, he wants someone to come home to each day after work - not just the weekends. He wanted to cuddle every night, I liked sleeping on my own side of the bed. He wanted us both to be vers, I grew to love pretty much exclusively being a bottom in the relationship. He wants to be monogamous, I pondered the idea of opening the relationship. That hurt him a lot.

He finally suggested that we go from a relationship to "friends with benefits" before christmas, I agreed based on all our differences and I felt relief for a bit. I hooked up with someone else, then he did, but we were still "together" until mid january. Thats when I drove home from his place, just like I had always done and after that everything changed. We had agreed to update each other on sexual encounters, just so we could still be safe together when we wanted to hook up. But hearing about one of his romantic dates made me realize that I don't want to know that much. So we stopped talking about dates we had.

A month went by. No contact. I was feeling weird, yet optimistic. Hooked up, a lot. Didn't have to tell him about it. That felt great. But after three weeks, I really started to miss him. So after a month, I decided to give him a call. This is where I found out that he was pretty much dating the person from his very first actual date. They had been seeing each other for 5 weeks. And he told me, he didn't want to be intimate with me anymore. Not ever. I cried a lot. I begged. I felt and still feel so rejected and blindsided by this.

I tried to quit him, cold turkey. No contact. Another month went by, I was a mess again. This time worse. I begged him again on a video call. No. Only friendship.

Rinse and repeat.

I call him again, this time more desperate than ever before. It's a no. I haven't ever felt days quite as dark as these last three weeks. I have trouble eating, sleeping, going to work, I've cried in peoples arms. I'm also in therapy and have been diagnosed with moderate depression. It's hard for me to accept that he doesn't want to be physically intimate anymore, for me many aspects of the relationship worked even if it wasn't perfect. And I get wanting to move on, but I hate that he is so extremely monogamous that he had to stop loving me. I still love him. I crave the familiarity. I have visions of our trips together, our running jokes, his face. I wake up feeling so alone now.

Yeah, so much for quick timeline.
 
There's a lot to unpack here, so will break it down. These are just my own thoughts on your situation.

Has anyone ever successfully become friends with their ex, even after they had broken up with you?
Thats kind of my situation right now. My ex says he wants to be friends, nothing more. I still have deeper feelings and desire a certain intimacy with him again. He knows all this, doesn't want that, yet still wants to be friends.
Yes you can still be friends with your ex, but obviously, it has to have been ended on quite good terms. Otherwise, the friendship will never work.

My ex is still my best friend after all this time. There's still a good bond between us, but we both have moved on with other partners. He says I am his only ex that he's kept in touch.

When he broke up with me, we did continue being 'friends with benefits' for awhile before he moved for a new job.

We were together for 3,5 years. Long distance relationship (200km). It had become apparent that we wanted different things: He wanted to move in together soon, I wanted to concentrate on my career - which means moving where the job is. I liked the long distance, he wants someone to come home to each day after work - not just the weekends. He wanted to cuddle every night, I liked sleeping on my own side of the bed. He wanted us both to be vers, I grew to love pretty much exclusively being a bottom in the relationship. He wants to be monogamous, I pondered the idea of opening the relationship. That hurt him a lot.

He finally suggested that we go from a relationship to "friends with benefits" before christmas, I agreed based on all our differences and I felt relief for a bit. I hooked up with someone else, then he did, but we were still "together" until mid january. Thats when I drove home from his place, just like I had always done and after that everything changed. We had agreed to update each other on sexual encounters, just so we could still be safe together when we wanted to hook up. But hearing about one of his romantic dates made me realize that I don't want to know that much. So we stopped talking about dates we had.

It is obvious that you both wanted different things in the relationship and unfortunately the relationship was never going to work without some give or take. Neither of you seemed to want to.

Granted you tried to do the 'friends with benefits', which you seemed to like. But you didn't like the idea of them being romantically involved with someone else. Did you secretly want this to be the open relationship you wanted?

A month went by. No contact. I was feeling weird, yet optimistic. Hooked up, a lot. Didn't have to tell him about it. That felt great. But after three weeks, I really started to miss him. So after a month, I decided to give him a call. This is where I found out that he was pretty much dating the person from his very first actual date. They had been seeing each other for 5 weeks. And he told me, he didn't want to be intimate with me anymore. Not ever. I cried a lot. I begged. I felt and still feel so rejected and blindsided by this.

I tried to quit him, cold turkey. No contact. Another month went by, I was a mess again. This time worse. I begged him again on a video call. No. Only friendship.

Rinse and repeat.

I call him again, this time more desperate than ever before. It's a no. I haven't ever felt days quite as dark as these last three weeks. I have trouble eating, sleeping, going to work, I've cried in peoples arms. I'm also in therapy and have been diagnosed with moderate depression. It's hard for me to accept that he doesn't want to be physically intimate anymore, for me many aspects of the relationship worked even if it wasn't perfect. And I get wanting to move on, but I hate that he is so extremely monogamous that he had to stop loving me. I still love him. I crave the familiarity. I have visions of our trips together, our running jokes, his face. I wake up feeling so alone now.

Yeah, so much for quick timeline.

This is going to be hard to take in, but he has made it clear that he only wants friendship with you.

You have to accept he only wants friendship and that you can't be intimate with him like you did when you were 'friends with benefits'. If you do, you don't have to ask about his dating (may be mention that to him so that you can avoid talking about that), but you can still enjoy their company and hang out as friends.

If you can't accept that, you will have to try harder to move on from him or limit your dependency on him (maybe to text him once a week instead of every day for example. Slowly ween yourself from them). It's not good for you or him, calling him each time more desperate.

I think it will do you more good to work on yourself, especially if you're suffering depression. It's great you are having therapy, have they suggested any advice on this situation? It seems you have other friends or support, so why not spend more time with them to do fun stuff like the trips that you imagined with your ex?

It's all going to be challenge, so I wish you all the best and hope you can get through this.
 

Rmx

He/Him/His
Has anyone ever successfully become friends with their ex, even after they had broken up with you?
Thats kind of my situation right now. My ex says he wants to be friends, nothing more. I still have deeper feelings and desire a certain intimacy with him again. He knows all this, doesn't want that, yet still wants to be friends.

I can't shake the feeling that he
A. only pretends wanting to be friends, so that I cave in and finally leave him alone
B. only wants to be friends to stop me from being so sad (I've told him multiple times how the last few months have been hell)

To give a quick timeline of what happened:

We were together for 3,5 years. Long distance relationship (200km). It had become apparent that we wanted different things: He wanted to move in together soon, I wanted to concentrate on my career - which means moving where the job is. I liked the long distance, he wants someone to come home to each day after work - not just the weekends. He wanted to cuddle every night, I liked sleeping on my own side of the bed. He wanted us both to be vers, I grew to love pretty much exclusively being a bottom in the relationship. He wants to be monogamous, I pondered the idea of opening the relationship. That hurt him a lot.

He finally suggested that we go from a relationship to "friends with benefits" before christmas, I agreed based on all our differences and I felt relief for a bit. I hooked up with someone else, then he did, but we were still "together" until mid january. Thats when I drove home from his place, just like I had always done and after that everything changed. We had agreed to update each other on sexual encounters, just so we could still be safe together when we wanted to hook up. But hearing about one of his romantic dates made me realize that I don't want to know that much. So we stopped talking about dates we had.

A month went by. No contact. I was feeling weird, yet optimistic. Hooked up, a lot. Didn't have to tell him about it. That felt great. But after three weeks, I really started to miss him. So after a month, I decided to give him a call. This is where I found out that he was pretty much dating the person from his very first actual date. They had been seeing each other for 5 weeks. And he told me, he didn't want to be intimate with me anymore. Not ever. I cried a lot. I begged. I felt and still feel so rejected and blindsided by this.

I tried to quit him, cold turkey. No contact. Another month went by, I was a mess again. This time worse. I begged him again on a video call. No. Only friendship.

Rinse and repeat.

I call him again, this time more desperate than ever before. It's a no. I haven't ever felt days quite as dark as these last three weeks. I have trouble eating, sleeping, going to work, I've cried in peoples arms. I'm also in therapy and have been diagnosed with moderate depression. It's hard for me to accept that he doesn't want to be physically intimate anymore, for me many aspects of the relationship worked even if it wasn't perfect. And I get wanting to move on, but I hate that he is so extremely monogamous that he had to stop loving me. I still love him. I crave the familiarity. I have visions of our trips together, our running jokes, his face. I wake up feeling so alone now.

Yeah, so much for quick timeline.

Oh my god, you made me shed a tear because I'm still in love with my ex who I'm attempting to be friends with.

I really feel for you. I also have a rule with my ex that we don't tell each other about date / hook-ups, though I haven't been in the mood for any of that yet. He has had a few dates and told me about them, despite our agreement not to talk about that, since he wanted to be open and honest with me, but it hurt a lot.

So, even though I'm trying the exact same thing as you are, my advice would have to be: you can't be just friends with someone you're still in love with. I know that makes me a hypocrite because I'm trying the same thing, but I think we're just going to get out feelings hurt if we keep trying.

Big hug!
 
Granted you tried to do the 'friends with benefits', which you seemed to like. But you didn't like the idea of them being romantically involved with someone else. Did you secretly want this to be the open relationship you wanted?
It was definitely my goal to still somehow sway him to get into an open relationship, at least it felt like there was hope for it. He once mentioned that for a minute, during that time, he thought maybe an open relationship would work for us. But he quickly realized that he can only be close/intimate with one person at a time.

Also, which is very hard to think about, the last time we talked we alluded to my temper being one of the reasons he's happy not to be with me anymore. And I agree, I did get angry sometimes, but we rarely fought. He also had a habit of avoiding conflict.
It's great you are having therapy, have they suggested any advice on this situation? It seems you have other friends or support, so why not spend more time with them to do fun stuff like the trips that you imagined with your ex?

It's all going to be challenge, so I wish you all the best and hope you can get through this.
Thank you so much! Yes, I know I'm in good hands and therapy is helping. But I'm in this phase right now where it's mostly dark clouds and not a lot of hopefulness. And that is because I'm allowing myself to grieve this loss for the first time, without distractions. That does mean though, that I'm wasting quite a few days on this feeling sorry for myself. I also have a cold right now, so I can't do a lot of activities to keep myself occupied.
 
Oh my god, you made me shed a tear because I'm still in love with my ex who I'm attempting to be friends with.

I really feel for you. I also have a rule with my ex that we don't tell each other about date / hook-ups, though I haven't been in the mood for any of that yet. He has had a few dates and told me about them, despite our agreement not to talk about that, since he wanted to be open and honest with me, but it hurt a lot.

So, even though I'm trying the exact same thing as you are, my advice would have to be: you can't be just friends with someone you're still in love with. I know that makes me a hypocrite because I'm trying the same thing, but I think we're just going to get out feelings hurt if we keep trying.

Big hug!
Big hug to you too!

It is amazing how we as humans can have all the right answers, yet it's still hard to follow through. To actually cut of communication, to actually say no more - I need to heal from this.

What I just don't get is WHY your ex or my ex would want to be friends with me? Like what is truly in it for them?
 
Thank you so much! Yes, I know I'm in good hands and therapy is helping. But I'm in this phase right now where it's mostly dark clouds and not a lot of hopefulness. And that is because I'm allowing myself to grieve this loss for the first time, without distractions. That does mean though, that I'm wasting quite a few days on this feeling sorry for myself. I also have a cold right now, so I can't do a lot of activities to keep myself occupied.
Yeah it's awful being stuck by yourself and having to deal with the aftermath of a relationship ending. Try to keep yourself busy, even if watching films or playing video games?

I am glad you are in good hands and the therapy is helping.
 
@UncleDeSeanAli I'm no psychiatrist, but with the timeline that you shared, I feel like the extreme sadness that you're feeling comes from an underlying issue related to attachment styles.
I say this because you sound confident and not bothered that much when you talk about the pre-friends stuff that happened. It's like you knew all the wrong things about the relationship and had accepted them. But it seems like once they found someone and said it out loud that you're not going work as a couple, suddenly you felt all the emotions. What I'm getting is that you know your wants and needs were different but you're more hurt that they were the one who rejected/abandoned you.


3.5 years is not a short time, but rethinking about the narrative could help you a lot with moving on.
 

Island

Staff member
My ex and I are supposed to be seeing each other and interacting for the first time today in a group setting in 3 months. Granted, this feels more like him throwing me a bone rather than genuinely wanting to see me or be my friend but we’ll see how this goes.

If he doesn’t want to be my friend or keeps avoiding me after I get back from vacation in late June, then I’m probably just going to dump the idea of maintaining a friendship.
 
@UncleDeSeanAli I'm no psychiatrist, but with the timeline that you shared, I feel like the extreme sadness that you're feeling comes from an underlying issue related to attachment styles.
I say this because you sound confident and not bothered that much when you talk about the pre-friends stuff that happened. It's like you knew all the wrong things about the relationship and had accepted them. But it seems like once they found someone and said it out loud that you're not going work as a couple, suddenly you felt all the emotions. What I'm getting is that you know your wants and needs were different but you're more hurt that they were the one who rejected/abandoned you.


3.5 years is not a short time, but rethinking about the narrative could help you a lot with moving on.
This actually seems like a good way of putting it. Does this attachment style have a name? Do you know more about it? Because it does feel like behind the obvious sadness of losing him and the way we were together, there is also something underlying that has more to do with me as a person and the way I love.
 
This actually seems like a good way of putting it. Does this attachment style have a name? Do you know more about it? Because it does feel like behind the obvious sadness of losing him and the way we were together, there is also something underlying that has more to do with me as a person and the way I love.

Based on what I've read, there are different types of attachment styles, such as anxious, avoidant, both, secure etc. With the way you said that you didn't like too much closeness, but also felt really sad by being abandoned, I guess you could be both of avoidant and anxious. But you can read more about them here or on other websites to decide yourself.
 
Have any of you ever gotten a bit buzzed at a house party, taken a cute guy to the bathroom, enjoyed some casual hooking up, sat upon the sink counter, leaned a bit too far back, unknowingly had your shirt land atop a lit candle, saw your entire backside engulfed in flames, and shamefully taken your shirtless (and thankfully only slightly scarred) self to find the event host and ask for a tshirt to borrow… all while the love your life is enjoying the party in a neighboring room?




Just me? I think I’ve yet to find my deeper well…
I haven't posted in a moment partially because I feel like I'm just repeating myself at this point, and also because I guess I'm a bit embarrassed by the circumstances I've gotten myself into. Mr. Doorman remains a prominent part of my life - if I'm being honest, he's probably become the most prominent part of my life at the moment. There's no one I see &/or speak to nearly as much as him, and he's truly the person I enjoy spending time with the most. He has ended just about any sort of physical affection, essentially noting that we should focus on being friends - and establishing that he just doesn't find us sexually/physically compatible. I let him know I disagree, but that I respect his feelings and love him enough to work through my own. I know not getting what I want from him is reason enough to get out, but I value the emotional connection too much to let him go. We went out for ice cream the other night, and were making jokes about how we're about to hit our one-year anniversary, only to run into a group who overheard us and wished us a 'Happy Anniversary.' We both gave looks of disgust and quickly retorted that's not what it is at all. They corrected to a 'Happy Situationshipiversary?,' and we both cheered. On the drive back to his place, he let me know that he truly loves me and considers me his best friend in Los Angeles. I told him he's also become one of my best friends, but now I have to reconcile the fact that I'm in love with one of my best friends. He's struggled find any work since losing the job at my gym a couple months back, so we were both under the impression he would have to move back home to Arizona at the end of last month. I figured him moving away would provide the perfect solution to my conundrum. Admittedly, I have been supporting him financially until he gets back on his feet, and I was going to discontinue that offer. Well, in the last week he got both his tax return and a new job, so it looks like he'll remain in place for the foreseeable future. Now I have the challenge of actually dealing with my feelings, making tough decisions, and setting real boundaries (something I think we can all agree I struggle with). Wish me luck.

Because I'm not a full-blown idiot (I think), I have still been maintaining a love life outside of the foolish crush above. Yes, I'm still hooking up with Doorman's former roommate. Yes, I'm still hooking up with my married YA author. Yes, I'm still hooking up with a guy I'll now refer to as Mr. Big (simply because it is the largest... mister I have ever dealt with). Yes, I'm still receiving DMs from the confusing married British bloke I mentioned a few pages back (who accosted a friend of mine at a party just to talk about how cute he thinks I am - weird). I randomly got drinks with The Crush (who you may remember from summer 2022; the guy who got me over The Ex but ultimately wanted to be friends) and it was a really lovely catch-up; he's very much in love, and while my crush remains fully intact, I am very happy for him. I've added a few new roster candidates (no one worth noting at this point), and met a couple of lovely guys while I had a week in the Big Apple for work (one I met on Grindr before we ended up doing an adorable coffee date outside my office that ended with a makeout and a potential trip to Miami). And yes, as previously posted, I did end up ablaze while hooking up with a guy at a party; the scars are now thankfully gone, and I never heard from the guy again. I also recently found myself on the most horrific drug trip of my life thanks to another suitor, and I'm going to leave that man in that cursed daze.

What is worth discussing is the lovely gentleman I met on Hinge last month. He's really not my type, but seemed great on paper and pushed to immediately meet in person, so I figured I'd give it a shot. I had a great time and he pushed to meet again two more times in the same week. We've done drinks, dinner, watching movies at his place, cuddles on the couch, cute makeouts, sleeping over... it's all very sweet. He's taking things slow physically, which worries me, but I genuinely enjoy my time with him. After our first week, he had to go out of town for a long trip. He's still away, so we'll see what sort of connection we have when he's back. Not going to get my hopes up this early, but it's off to a nice start. I have an unrelated first date set for Saturday, and am doing what I can to get my mind off Mr. Doorman... while still scheduling multiple hangs with him later this week. Again, boundaries and space to come... hopefully.
Also, I had another conversation with Mr. Doorman last night about ‘us’ after he shared that the hot, muscley ginger he recently started also seeing (they did a weekend getaway last month, and I recently dropped him off at his place… I know, I can hear the resounding “gurrrrrlllll”s from a mile away) seems like he wants a relationship - and Doorman isn’t interested. Somehow it lead to us once again discussing why we can’t try our hand at something more - emotionally or physically - with me questioning why he would choose a series of seemingly toxic, mid suitors when a hot, sweet guy like me is right in front of him (I realize it all sounds very vain, but I also haven’t lost my entire self-worth in this). To summarize his deafening silence-filled answer: he just doesn’t feel that for me, he never will, and he feels like a shitty person for not being able to give me what I want. I reassured him that he is an incredible guy, and while his answer bums me out, I will work on respecting his feelings and dropping the subject going forward. Now I’ve spent the rest of the night laying awake, sorting out if I have the strength to cancel our Friday night plans that I was really looking forward to, knowing it’s probably the start of the distance I need to begin creating between us.
So you’ve accepted the fact that your situationship has officially fallen for someone else, knowing they’ll never feel the same way about you, and despite the amount of tears & heartbreak, you believe this may finally be the thing that forces you to move on.

Cut to a week later and you find yourself at dinner with situationship because he texts you to hang moments after deciding this would be the one night this week you don’t hang with him (yeah, those boundaries? Never set them). And while on said dinner, he gets an essay of a text out of the blue from the aforementioned ‘someone else’ breaking things off, and then you’re left to console a clearly shaken and brokenhearted situationship for the night… platonically speaking, of course, because you’re still never going to get what you want in this situation.

How have I let myself get here?
I'll post something longer down the line, but I have cut off my situationship and it is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. It's only been a few days, so it feels dramatic saying this, but he was the one person I contacted every single day (and had done so for at least 8 months) and it just feels so strange knowing I can't. I told him I need time to figure out if I can truly just be a friend to him, and that I'll let him know when/if I get to that place. Who knows it this will happen, or how long it will take if it does, but I know this is what's best for me. Of course I ran into him less than 24 hours after having the conversation, and then got partnered with someone sharing his name in my workout class the following day, so the universe is definitely testing me. I have refrained from telling most people as I don't trust that I won't break and go right back to him, but I am trying. I really want to save our friendship but neither of us are being the friend the other needs in our current state, so I had to take action.

Outside of that, what are all your thoughts on hooking up with cousins? Not your own, but having a threesome with two self-proclaimed straight men who are each married, with kids, and are each other's cousins?
@UncleDeSeanAli & @Rmx 's ex/friend plights really struck me as I'm not not in a similar boat. I am in love with one of my best friends and I can't truly be friends with him if I'm still in love.

But here we are, two full weeks free of Mr. Doorman... and it feels terrible. As much as I know this situationship was taking a toll on me, I just really miss having him in my life. I miss talking to him, hanging out with him, texting him every day. It's honestly really lonely and boring without him in my life, even as just a friend. That said, I can still feel those toxic pangs of envy/jealousy/insecurity when I think about him, so I'm trying my hardest to maintain my self-imposed boundary until I get to a place where he can exist in my mind without those side effects. Because he can't just be a friend if I still have those feelings.

The night after his new guy broke things off with him, he told me he just wanted to be alone... cut to me checking in the next day and finding out he'd spent the night with him and convinced him to take him back. I didn't expect it to cut as deeply as it did, but it made me realize this is a person and a relationship he will go out of his way to fight for... in a way he would never do for me, regardless of how poorly the other person treats him. That was a painful realization for me. I told him this during our next hang, where he revealed he'd also recently hooked up with a member of the the dreaded Silver Lake Gays, one who helped lead the charge of exiling him from the group and spent months treating him horribly. He told me he felt terrible afterward, noting that it made him feel bad for the guy he's seeing. I turned to him and gave him a full Kristen Wiig/Bridesmaids "are you fucking kidding me?" in response, pointing out how much this stuff has been hurting me, and how I'm the only one truly getting caught in the crossfire of his decisions. I let him know that I can't stand by and watch him be treated like trash by people he still devotes his time, energy and body to. I said that knowing he'd rather make these choices than pursue something with me is a pill I'm struggling to swallow and that I may need some real space from him. I truly shouldn't be so affected by these scenarios that do not involve me, but I'm too emotionally attached not to be. So I took the next few days and made the decision that I need to cut him off, full stop, to finally create emotional and physical space to protect myself. He's never going to 'choose me', per se, and I continue to feel some type of way about it, and I need to work on myself to move on from that.

I took him to a lovely dinner and drinks two nights later where I told him all this, reiterating that we are not being the friends we each need from each other right now, that changes need to be made in order to make that happen, and that I'm going to take an unspecified amount of time until I can get to that place. He was as supportive and respectful as I expected, and I dropped him off and gave him a big hug and kiss on the cheek goodbye. Seeing my Valentine’s Day card still displayed on his bedside table was the thing that really sat with me - a nice reminder that there is genuine love between us. He sent me the new Justice/Tame Impala song on my drive home and we agreed it was a perfect sendoff track for the time being. Outside of the accidental next-night run-in, we haven't been in touch in any way, and as mentioned, it's been tough. I'm hopeful I can get to a place where I can just be his friend, but please send strength until I get to that place. This is certainly the hardest break up (is it even fair to call it that?) I've ever had to initiate, and it's one of the most difficult things I've ever put myself through emotionally. It all coming on the one-year anniversary of our meeting hasn't helped (how I even got myself into a year-long situationship, I'll never know), but I remain trucking on.

I’ve tried to keep myself distracted since then, not helped by the fact that the guy I went on the great dates with in March ghosted me; as did the Hinge guy I was meant to go on a first date with. Sex-wise, things remain as fun and chaotic as ever. News of my flammable hookup has made the rounds with the neighborhood gays, but it hasn’t stopped me from getting action. There’s the daddy who happens to live next door to my gym bestie, the public triple kiss, the 20-year-old college student with the fake ID (probably should be better about asking ages before I hook up), and the aforementioned cousins… which I will explain.

I popped by my neighborhood gay bar last week for a nightcap, and ran into a local TV weatherman I recognized & have a crush on (one I know is straight, married, and has children based on previous Insta stalking). We were standing next to each other at the bar, and I’d had a few drinks in me already, so I decided to tell him I knew who he was, that I was a fan, and that I foolishly had a little crush on him. He let me know his cousin was visiting and wanted to come to this bar, so he came along to be a good friend. I told him that was really nice of him and wished him a good night. Cut to me waiting in line for the restroom at the back of the bar, and him coming up to me, pinning me against the wall, making out with me, and letting me know he’s getting divorced, exploring his sexuality, thinks it’s really hot I’m into him, and wanted to go home with me. The whole thing was really shocking and hot, and so I obviously went along with it. He asked if his cousin could join, saying he’d promised him a good time and that the cousin is also married, with children, and on the DL. So on we went and had a night of good fun. Again, I never asked about their dynamic, just assuming they’re cousins by marriage (or longtime friends who call each other cousins), but it really wasn’t my business. The cousin has since returned home, and I have continued hooking up with the divorcing DL TV weatherman. Is this an affair? Am I the other woman? I'm not sure, but it's fun, meaningless, and I don't ask questions.

The latest complication in my love life is 2-pronged. There is a guy I've been messaging with on Scruff since last summer, but we've never met in person. I would like to, but he weirdly avoids any opportunity to do so. Normally I would just ignore this person, but he is one of the most attractive men I've ever spoken with, and I've come to enjoy our regular messaging - about life, about work, about family, about sex. I've wondered if I'm just being catfished, but we have too many Instagram mutuals for that to be the case, so ultimately I'm just being dumb. On an unrelated note, my good friend Mr. New In Town has had this gym crush he's been confiding in me about for months. They go on cute dates, have major flirtation, but never act on anything in fear of damaging their comfortable gym situation. Last weekend, I met up with Mr. New In Town for drinks and he let me know his gym crush was also in attendance. I was excited to finally meet this guy, but he walks up and who should he be? Mr. Messaging himself. I could see we were both startled to encounter each other, but he still hugged me and said it was so good to finally meet me. My friend asked how we knew each other, and Mr. Messaging said in embarrassment that he's basically been leading me on for ages. Most of the night was spent watching their flirtation and touchy/kissy vibe, which wasn't a great feeling, until Mr. Messaging pulled me aside and apologized profusely for never meeting up and once again for 'leading me on.' He said he's just weird about meeting people from the apps and that it has nothing to do with me. Sure. Regardless, I told him it's fine, it's not serious, and we proceeded to make out. Boy was it a great makeout, and it led to a few more later in the night. The messaging has continued, remaining as hot and flirty as ever, and I'm back to pushing to get more time with him in person, while also knowing - and feeling conflicted - about my good friend's feelings for him.

Love. It's never easy, and it's always embarrassing, isn't it?
 
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Let me be a bitter, tired bitch for a second but “Love” fucking sucks and I’m so tired of the uncertain “str8” guy bullshit (including passionate arguments born out of a misunderstanding where we mention how much we care for each other and still want each other in our lives but just can’t) and I have no desire for the artsy, polyam gays that seem to want me badly.

I hate it. I wish I was in love with my career.
 
We met up.

Beautiful spring day in the city. We both drove there in our own cars. I got out of the parking garage and saw him sitting on a park bench. I hugged him a lot and really pressed myself against him, he went along with it, but didn't give too much. We sat down, talked. He was in a pretty bad mood right out of the gate. He told me that he is pretty depressed at the moment. For one, because the new guy he had been dating since the end of january told him that he isn't ready for a relationship right now. And that really made him spiral after the breakup. Because, just like I had kept myself busy hooking up casually and then being sad that my ex had moved on, he distracted himself by pursuing something serious right away.

He complained about how he's not enjoying life right now, lacks friends, doesn't like where he lives anymore. The guy he was seeing (probably still is seeing) never came to visit him at his place only the other way around.

Of course this admission, this telling me that it wasn't all easy for him either was kind of a relief to me. But it also sparked a bit of hope that we could maybe start something up again. We spent around 5 hours together, talked a lot, went over our relationship again and again, reached dead ends - like him reiterating that he doesn't want to be intimate with me anymore, we laughed. I kept asking him, if its okay to touch his hand, lean on his shoulder. He hesitated quite a bit, but let me do it. He didn't squeeze my hand back at the start - but later he did. I could feel him kind of giving in to my advances. He also suggested we meet up again soon. I also cried a lot, because I told him about my diagnosis and how hard life has been.

He stood by his rule of no intimacy, just friendship the entire way through up until he suggested we go home now. We had met in a city that is equal distance between his place and mine, so 100km for him, 100km for me. We went back to the parking garage, he could feel a change in my mood. I told him that I'm getting sad, because we were heading back and the beautiful day was over. He patted my back, and said that we should sit down on the bench from the beginning. So we did. Talked some more. Then he suggested that he would bring me to my car, into the parking garage and I could drop him off at his car which was parked somewhere else. That already felt... weird to me, but oddly comforting. So we headed into the garage, drove outside towards where he had parked. I stopped. And then we hugged for like 5 minutes straight. He squeezed me very intently, caressed me, I started crying again. When we finally pulled away from each other, we kissed. Only once, then another quick kiss and then with tongue.

Afterwards, he told me "we'll text. we'll see each other". And then he got out of the car.

I don't really know what to make of this. We did text yesterday. But only casually. I'm afraid to talk about the kiss, because I don't want him to say it was just a spur of the moment kind of thing. But I am feeling better, more hopeful right now.

This is a mess.


For context:
Has anyone ever successfully become friends with their ex, even after they had broken up with you?
Thats kind of my situation right now. My ex says he wants to be friends, nothing more. I still have deeper feelings and desire a certain intimacy with him again. He knows all this, doesn't want that, yet still wants to be friends.

I can't shake the feeling that he
A. only pretends wanting to be friends, so that I cave in and finally leave him alone
B. only wants to be friends to stop me from being so sad (I've told him multiple times how the last few months have been hell)

To give a quick timeline of what happened:

We were together for 3,5 years. Long distance relationship (200km). It had become apparent that we wanted different things: He wanted to move in together soon, I wanted to concentrate on my career - which means moving where the job is. I liked the long distance, he wants someone to come home to each day after work - not just the weekends. He wanted to cuddle every night, I liked sleeping on my own side of the bed. He wanted us both to be vers, I grew to love pretty much exclusively being a bottom in the relationship. He wants to be monogamous, I pondered the idea of opening the relationship. That hurt him a lot.

He finally suggested that we go from a relationship to "friends with benefits" before christmas, I agreed based on all our differences and I felt relief for a bit. I hooked up with someone else, then he did, but we were still "together" until mid january. Thats when I drove home from his place, just like I had always done and after that everything changed. We had agreed to update each other on sexual encounters, just so we could still be safe together when we wanted to hook up. But hearing about one of his romantic dates made me realize that I don't want to know that much. So we stopped talking about dates we had.

A month went by. No contact. I was feeling weird, yet optimistic. Hooked up, a lot. Didn't have to tell him about it. That felt great. But after three weeks, I really started to miss him. So after a month, I decided to give him a call. This is where I found out that he was pretty much dating the person from his very first actual date. They had been seeing each other for 5 weeks. And he told me, he didn't want to be intimate with me anymore. Not ever. I cried a lot. I begged. I felt and still feel so rejected and blindsided by this.

I tried to quit him, cold turkey. No contact. Another month went by, I was a mess again. This time worse. I begged him again on a video call. No. Only friendship.

Rinse and repeat.

I call him again, this time more desperate than ever before. It's a no. I haven't ever felt days quite as dark as these last three weeks. I have trouble eating, sleeping, going to work, I've cried in peoples arms. I'm also in therapy and have been diagnosed with moderate depression. It's hard for me to accept that he doesn't want to be physically intimate anymore, for me many aspects of the relationship worked even if it wasn't perfect. And I get wanting to move on, but I hate that he is so extremely monogamous that he had to stop loving me. I still love him. I crave the familiarity. I have visions of our trips together, our running jokes, his face. I wake up feeling so alone now.

Yeah, so much for quick timeline.
 
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