Dating & Relationships
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I don't think my bedding has ever been so drenched from sweat... just one of those moments where you never check a clock until you realize the sun is fully out, he tells you he has "nothing to do today," you look at the time, and you have to deliver the bad news that you start work in 15 minutes.
It's been a couple of months, and while my life has taken some odd turns, my love life has not. It's been a lot of fruitless chat with the same suspects (Mr. Bartender, Mr. Too Good To Be True, Mr. Messages), as well as a few other repeat offenders who aren't deserving of pseudonyms. Just more guys who tease and lead me on, before going back to ghosting me or dropping the ball when it comes to actually putting money where their mouths are. It's become a bit exhausting and I'm actively trying to be better about not dedicating so much energy to men who will never reciprocate it. It's been mixed results so far, but I am feeling some growth. Mr. New In Town and I had an honest conversation about Mr. Messages and how he was leading us both on. He learned that we'd slept together, while I learned they never had. We both essentially cut him off, just in time for him to meet someone new and delete all the apps, but I think we're both better off without him.
Mr. Doorman grew bored of his new life in Arizona, and surprised me with the news he had moved back after his arrival. It wasn't nearly enough time for me to move on from him, but I should have known it was never going to be that easy. He moved in with his boyfriend, continues his fun with his sidepiece, and I have remained mostly content in my role as his friend. We only see each other every few weeks, and I think now being unable to hang out 1:1 at his place plays a big part in that. I miss what we had, but I'm happy he's found the guys he wants, and I continue working on being satisfied with what we are. He recently had a birthday party, which was just him, the boyfriend, the sidepiece, and myself- his sole friend. It's exactly the sort of chaotic, hilarious set of circumstances I would end up in, but I enjoy the other guys, so it's fine. Doorman and I had our own dinner and concert to celebrate, and as he said, it was one of the best meals he's had and best concerts he's ever attended (never sleep on a Kaytranada/Channel Tres combo lineup). He's been my rock during the chaotic last month of my life, so his friendship remains invaluable. But he's busy with work and his men (including the numerous hookups - some frustratingly mutual), and I think the increased distance is likely necessary for me to get over him.
I've been on a number of dates in the last couple of months, but none have added up to much. The Zsa Zsa Zsu has been missing from each one, which is always a bummer, but I'm just happy to be out there meeting people. It feels like all my great encounters as of late have been with out-of-towners. I had a great night with a member here during a trip last month - one who would love a pseudonym, but will have to wait to see what 2025 holds before obtaining that honor. On the same trip, I had another date with Mr. 25 Days, but it ended feeling frustratingly platonic. It was as if we'd lost the spark or he'd lost interest, and as a result, I've removed any sort of expectation there.
Coming home from said trip, Mr. Perfect happened to be in town from San Francisco and we both rearranged travel plans to ensure we'd get 24 hours together. We only see each other every 18 months, and only ever hook up, so I was excited to spend a full day and night together. Needless to say it was one of the best days I've had with a guy. The sex remains incredible, as expected, but I couldn't believe what a great time we had outside of that. We just talked for hours, then went for a long run to a sports bar, where I forced him to watch the World Series with me. While we were there, he packed on the PDA and flabbergasted me with the amount of attention he showered. I reminded him it had been 3 years since our first meeting and we actually felt like a bit of a couple that afternoon. A number of people told us we were such a cute couple, and a few asked how long we'd been dating, to which he would reply, "3 years on and off," before winking at me. We came back to my place and just continued the talks and sex before going to bed and cuddling all night. He peaced out the next day for his flight, and we both said how we'd really like to make an effort to do this more often. I realized I could really see something with him if he'd be open to trying, while also knowing neither of us is interested - or has the time for - anything long distance. That said, we now talk in some respect every single day. Even if it's just a DM or the sharing of a meme, it's a major contrast from our previous 'once every few months' reach out. I'll refrain from getting too excited about it, but it's a nice development.
A couple weeks later, I noticed on Instagram that this guy I've been messaging on Scruff and Instagram for a few years was in town. He lives up in the Bay Area, and our schedules have never aligned, but we message all the time about movies and travel. Anyway, I asked if he had any free time on his trip, and he found a window shortly before his flight home. We walked around my neighborhood, grabbed coffees, and just chatted for a few hours before making it back to my place. I invited him in, and we had an amazing afternoon. I skipped all my other plans to stay with him and I loved every moment of it. I dropped him off at the airport and we talked about how he should come down more often and how I will be part of his plans any time he does. He's in an open relationship, so not something to get my hopes up over, but a fun new friend with benefits. It's a bit frustrating having this string of great guys who live nowhere near me, but it's nice to have renewed optimism that there actually are great guys out there.
Cut to my most recent acquisition: the all-nighter mentioned above. This is a guy I met at a bar like 18 months ago: super hot, great at conversation, didn't seem entirely interested in me, never followed me back on Instagram. Anyway, on a recent night at the same bar, he came barreling in and immediately came up to me for a chat. He had no memory of ever meeting me (not a great feeling, but it happens), but he recognized me from my recent viral incident (which is just a daily occurrence at this point) and thought I was really attractive. We talk, we flirt, we make out, and then convince a mutual friend of ours to have people over for an afters. We all head over, many drinks & drugs are consumed, and it isn't long before me and this guy continue the PDA, start removing our clothes, and find a bedroom to turn things up a notch. Our friend eventually kicks everyone out, so we keep things going back at my place, literally until the sun came up and I needed to start my work day. He spent so much of the night talking about how excited he was to find me, how badly he wants to hook up again, all the things he wants to do to - and with - me on future occasions, but he seemed a bit butthurt when I had to cut things short (although I'm not sure how short you could say things had been by that hour). Ended with a kiss goodbye and the assurance we should do it again. That is.... until I refollowed and DM'd him on Instagram, and only received radio silence. He's been actively posting Stories, so it's not like he hasn't been online, and the lack of a 'Seen' feels intentional. Feels a bit like I was just a fun notch on his bedpost/a funny anecdote to tell friends, which is also becoming a bit of a recurring trend.
Doing my best to remain positive, focusing on the fun I am having, the great guys I am meeting, and the wonderful notches I'm adding to my own bedpost. But I would like to do better at picking guys, avoiding the ones who just want to use me or string me along. As I've noted above, great guys clearly do exist, and I'm determined to find more of them in Los Angeles.
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Here's the point where I apologize for resuming my terrorizing overuse of this thread, but things took an interesting turn the night after this post, and I need to write it down. I took myself to one of my local gay bars the night before Thanksgiving and got the 'eyes' from a hot tall gentleman across the bar. You know 'the eyes' - the knowing glare of a gay male who has decided they want you. I nervously made said eyes back at him, and he came over to let me know how attractive he found me. We immediately started talking and the conversation rolled beautifully. I let him know I'd previously reached out to him on the apps and never gotten a response, to which he said it wasn't possible. I assured him it was and he said my profile photos must be bad because he would never ignore me. The chat soon led to a steamy makeout and an invitation for him to come home with me. He did, spending the night as we enjoyed some great hooking up (with his very massive piece, I must add). I woke up abruptly the next morning to the sound of my alarm flagging that I needed to head to my gym for their annual Thanksgiving event. He looked too peaceful, so I made the risky choice not to walk him up and instead leave him in my unattended apartment. I realized I had no way of contacting him (not even a last name with which to look him up), so I left a note next to his phone asking him to write down his number. Sure enough, I arrived home later that morning and he had waited in bed until my return. We continued hooking up and then walked around my neighborhood to find coffee and breakfast. He noticed my note, wrote down his number, and wished me a happy holiday as he gave me a kiss goodbye.
We spent the next two days texting and DMing, engaging with each other's Stories, discussing mutual family trauma (as one does on Thanksgiving), and making plans to hang out again. He said I should come over on Saturday and he would cook me dinner, asking if I have any dietary restrictions and sending me a list of ingredients to buy. I haven't had anyone cook for me since I lived with my ex, so getting this invite from someone I just met threw me for a loop. I went over with the bag of listed items and we had an amazing dinner. I told him I had a friend's party to get to, and he was disappointed I wouldn't be spending the night. I invited him to join me, knowing it's likely too soon to meet my friends, and he was happy to come along. The line for the venue was too long, so we retreated back to his place and had another wonderful night - now in his bed. The next morning, he made effort to cook me a full breakfast (again, something I haven't experienced in years), we hooked up some more, and continued talking about life. Careers, family, exes, children, relationship goals... the works. I also showed him the unreplied Scruff messages between us, and he let me know my profile didn't do me any justice. He ended a relationship a couple months ago, one he entered not long after ending a 7-year marriage. He let me know he loves love and loves being in a relationship, but that he really needs to focus on his independence right now. I told him I have no expectations of my own, but that I'm enjoying my connection with him and would like to continue it - even on a casual level. We mapped out what we'd like our next two dates/hangs to look like and went our separate ways. I texted him later in the day to let him know how much the experience meant to me and how rarely I find guys so hospitable, and he said I'll be getting more of it.
So now I'm here with a new crush... on someone who actually seems like a truly decent human... and who appears to have a genuine interest in me... but who isn't fully available. Going to work on remaining breezy/casual/cool/etc, so wish me luck. Have scheduled hangs with Mr. Doorman and Mr. New In Town this week, as well as a painful amount of work, which will hopefully help keep my mind distracted.
Was wondering what the tea was from your insta stories @lushLuck. Happy for you! Great to have our resident columnist back.
In personal news - I’ve started to put myself out there more (the confidence a good amount of weight loss can instil is extraordinary - although I do catch myself looking in the mirror a little bit tew often these days nn) and have been enjoying a good amount of attention, but this brings a whole new level of frustration in that I hate how fucking flakey men are. What is it about meeting up - not even for a hook up, mind you - that just causes people to shut down and ghost (not even block!!!!) after a decent amount of flirty back and forth on the apps? It’s doing nothing for my aim of getting back into dating after a long long long reprieve. I just want to be 30 flirty and vibing with a hot man???? Maybe I should move to a different city cause I feel like the talent pool up here is drying up fucking fast.
In personal news - I’ve started to put myself out there more (the confidence a good amount of weight loss can instil is extraordinary - although I do catch myself looking in the mirror a little bit tew often these days nn) and have been enjoying a good amount of attention, but this brings a whole new level of frustration in that I hate how fucking flakey men are. What is it about meeting up - not even for a hook up, mind you - that just causes people to shut down and ghost (not even block!!!!) after a decent amount of flirty back and forth on the apps? It’s doing nothing for my aim of getting back into dating after a long long long reprieve. I just want to be 30 flirty and vibing with a hot man???? Maybe I should move to a different city cause I feel like the talent pool up here is drying up fucking fast.
Got ghosted by (who I thought was) a good friend. We both have feelings for each other which makes this all the more confusing and infuriating.
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I can’t tell if my Fuck Buddy is actually catching feelings for me or if he’s just been talking to his predominantly straight, married-with-kids friends too much. Much like my straight friends, they cannot seem to wrap their head around the idea of casual sex and are constantly trying to prop us up to eachother as boyfriend material. Why do these heteronormative paradigms always have to rain on our parades, ddd.
he/him
Refreshing to see this spelled out by somebody else, it’s making dating/the apps so, so boring. I’ve asked around as I have mates who do this themselves, and they clarified it’s because they’re on the apps simply for affirmation and can’t be assed actually meeting anyone nn.
I focus more on approaching guys in bars/at parties now which seems to be working far better thankfully, but any of those interactions being more than a hookup is unlikely unfortunately. I’m in the mood for a lovely wee winter date!
The apps are so frustrating for that reason. I recently had a friend tell me he always approaches them with the assumption he'll never meet up with the people he's talking to - that most people are just there for validation and spank bank material, so it's not worth believing they'll ever want to meet you in person. It was such a depressing thought for me, someone who thrives on human connection, but I've started to implement that mindset in order to protect myself. Now the actual hook up is the cherry on top, which again, is so frustrating and morbid, but there is truth to the fact that many of these people just enjoy online chat/exchanging nudes. While it remains annoying, I like to think my exchanges there give me more preparation and confidence to approach/chat with people at bars/parties. I will say, it's also inspired me to get to the 'shall we meet' part of my conversations much sooner to just weed people out as quickly as possible.
I've realized I need to be more selective about discussing my casual encounters with straight friends. As you say, they often contextualize them with societal 'norms' that don't feel as applicable in queer communities, so it often ends with me having to surmise that they just don't get it. So often I'm met with 'if there's no future, what's the point' or 'if he doesn't want something serious, he's leading you on - or wasting your time.' And when I explain that we're just having fun and it doesn't need to be anything more than that, the replies are very 'sure, Jan' or 'I don't know how you gays do it,' or just a general state of confusion. It can get exhausting.
Met a guy a couple weekends back who’s in an open relationship and fffff I think I’m getting myself into something I probably shouldn’t here but
I don't think there's any reason to be concerned so long as you both are communicative about what it is you're doing, and that you establish boundaries to protect yourself. I enjoy hooking up with people in open relationships because it keeps things casual and you already know exactly what to expect when you're with them. That said, you do have to ensure you don't develop feelings that could complicate things for either of you - or, at the very least, know when it's time for you to get out if you do start to want something more.
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Continuing on this, things are still going with Mr. Left His Number. We talk in some respect every day, and we've had a weekly hang since meeting. After discussing a recent bad day, he invited me over to cuddle, and we just had a cute movie night, cuddling on his couch the entire time until we passed out in each other's arms. The next week, he cooked us dinner again before I took him ice skating. It's all been so wonderfully sweet and I couldn't enjoy his company more. His incredible looks certainly don't hurt, nor does the great sex, but I always feel a nice mix of nervous butterflies and deep-rooted comfort when I'm around him. I really enjoy talking to him and hanging out with him, and I'm just trying to keep from ruining it. We've had more conversations about how he's not ready to start anything serious, so I'm also trying to keep from falling too hard - slow and steady is the key here. He's also invited me to the New Year's Eve party he's hosting at his place, which has left me conflicted. I'm very happy he wanted to invite me, but getting that 10 days after we met when the event is still 3.5 weeks out just felt very soon. I fully plan on going, but I do have hope that I'll be his New Year's kiss - and that I'll be spending the night - and I'll definitely feel some type of way if he chooses someone else in attendance. I'm just trying to keep from thinking too much about it as it's still a ways out, and instead dwell on the fun we're having.
To keep from being too focused on Mr. Left His Number, I had two dates last week with Mr. Swiftie. We matched on Hinge and skipped the small talk/chat to immediately grab drinks instead. The night flew by, with drinks leading to a stroll around a nearby lake and a ton of making out before I dropped him off at his car. He's very cute and sweet, and he immediately wanted to set up a follow up date. We grabbed dinner over the weekend, and I was startled by the fact that he brought me a gift. It was a 'cocktails for two' recipe book that was accompanied by a card with a personalized message about his excitement over meeting me. A lovely gesture, and I hate that I'm going to say this, but it felt like too much for someone I'd only met once before - 5 days prior. I don't know if it was the gift, but some of the spark seemed to dissipate that night. He didn't make an effort to move things forward physically, and I got flashbacks to my exes. A nice guy who just moved to LA from a small Middle America town, still without a community or hobbies of his own, who has just decided he's ready to date again and wants to focus on emotional connections vs physical ones... it's the same guy I always date and it never works out. When it comes to something serious, I'm more interested in someone who already has roots of their own in this city, who has a little edge, and is focused on the sexual aspect as much as the emotional. Him being a massive Taylor Swift fan doesn't help things for me. Again, he seems like a great guy, so I'll give him some more time, but I'm not sure we're aligned.
We'll see where the holidays take me, but I'm surprised this traditionally dormant period has been so fruitful.
So, this isn't *my* story to tell, but it's something that i've been watching happen for the last several months and I just wanted to share because it is insane and I wanted to see if anyone had thoughts on the situation.
Brace yourselves, this is a doozy.
My sister is the type of person I'd call a bleeding heart, she's far too gracious and good to people, she gives her all to everyone and more often than not this has bitten her behind. She has only had 2 major relationships in her life, one of 8 years with her high school sweetheart (more on him later), and one with a coworker we shared (who was normal until he moved in with us and proceeded to become fucking insane, invading my privacy to get to her while she was avoiding him in my room, STEALING HER CAR once etc..)
So. After that second boyfriend finally took the hint (my father caused a scene and threatened him to leave us alone), we had to move. Cut to sister's first boyfriend coming to help us move things, they were reconnecting or whatever, and then he met our stepsister during the move (to make this simple she will be referred to as stepsister even though its more complicated than that)
To get to the point of the matter, one day that I happened to be home a few months back the first boyfriend showed up at our doorstep and i let him in (i've known him for like a decade, so i didn't think anything was afoot as he often came by, even when he wasn't dating my sister) and went back to sleep. What I did not see was my stepsister behind him ALSO coming into the house. These two dolts basically went to my sister's room to confess that they were having a secret affair for 2 months (like right when they met during the move up to that point) and my sister CRASHED OUT.
Like, in 30 years i've never seen her lose her mind like that ever. Had I not been home to kick them out of the house who knows what would have happened.
What really makes this gross (aside from the simple bro/sis code of don't fuck your sibling's ex...) is the fact that my stepsister AND the boyfriend both were perpetually lying to my sister's face about this as well as the friend group. Stepsister would be gloating in the group chat about the amazing sex she was having with 'Andrew' (she made up a name and an identity for him knowing full well she was sleeping with her sister's first love).
Then they announce to all of us that they're getting together. Literally playing in my sister's face. And the last few months have really just been watching her like... sit here and tolerate it even though it's tearing the family and the friend group apart.
My mother wants nothing to do with the stepsister, I haven't spoken to her and hate them coming to my place still, but i'm as cordial as acknowledging their presences and quickly moving to the opposite end of the room can be considered cordial... I don't understand why my sister can't simply cut them off or if there's some motive to why she puts up with them still being around but eh.
Basically the only 3 people who approve of them being together are the two assholes themselves and my stepsister's mother (who frankly....as the woman who my sister's dad had an affair with while my mom was pregnant, i'm not surprised) and it's just wild to me that they're trying to normalize this. She could have dated or slept with literally any other man and she chose to betray her sister. HE could have slept with any woman on the planet and he chose to DATE his first love's sister.
Brace yourselves, this is a doozy.
My sister is the type of person I'd call a bleeding heart, she's far too gracious and good to people, she gives her all to everyone and more often than not this has bitten her behind. She has only had 2 major relationships in her life, one of 8 years with her high school sweetheart (more on him later), and one with a coworker we shared (who was normal until he moved in with us and proceeded to become fucking insane, invading my privacy to get to her while she was avoiding him in my room, STEALING HER CAR once etc..)
So. After that second boyfriend finally took the hint (my father caused a scene and threatened him to leave us alone), we had to move. Cut to sister's first boyfriend coming to help us move things, they were reconnecting or whatever, and then he met our stepsister during the move (to make this simple she will be referred to as stepsister even though its more complicated than that)
To get to the point of the matter, one day that I happened to be home a few months back the first boyfriend showed up at our doorstep and i let him in (i've known him for like a decade, so i didn't think anything was afoot as he often came by, even when he wasn't dating my sister) and went back to sleep. What I did not see was my stepsister behind him ALSO coming into the house. These two dolts basically went to my sister's room to confess that they were having a secret affair for 2 months (like right when they met during the move up to that point) and my sister CRASHED OUT.
Like, in 30 years i've never seen her lose her mind like that ever. Had I not been home to kick them out of the house who knows what would have happened.
What really makes this gross (aside from the simple bro/sis code of don't fuck your sibling's ex...) is the fact that my stepsister AND the boyfriend both were perpetually lying to my sister's face about this as well as the friend group. Stepsister would be gloating in the group chat about the amazing sex she was having with 'Andrew' (she made up a name and an identity for him knowing full well she was sleeping with her sister's first love).
Then they announce to all of us that they're getting together. Literally playing in my sister's face. And the last few months have really just been watching her like... sit here and tolerate it even though it's tearing the family and the friend group apart.
My mother wants nothing to do with the stepsister, I haven't spoken to her and hate them coming to my place still, but i'm as cordial as acknowledging their presences and quickly moving to the opposite end of the room can be considered cordial... I don't understand why my sister can't simply cut them off or if there's some motive to why she puts up with them still being around but eh.
Basically the only 3 people who approve of them being together are the two assholes themselves and my stepsister's mother (who frankly....as the woman who my sister's dad had an affair with while my mom was pregnant, i'm not surprised) and it's just wild to me that they're trying to normalize this. She could have dated or slept with literally any other man and she chose to betray her sister. HE could have slept with any woman on the planet and he chose to DATE his first love's sister.
He/They
I mean in the spirit of love, what if they're meant to be together, and end up loving each other, having kids, marrying, whatever makes them happy?
I mean I'm right in sumising that they haven't cheated on partners to be together?
And as butt hurt as your sister and everyone is, were you all expecting sister and first love to get back together or something? Hence the anger about the situation?
The friends are mostly upset because they’ve known this guy the same amount of years as my sister and basically are of the opinion that he hasn’t changed and is going to play the stepsister just as much as he’s played my sister, and I don’t think anyone but my sister thought that she was reconnecting with him as they were definitely all up on eachother during the move
lord I didn’t realize I had gone off about it, THIS IS HOW OLD I AM
I guess it’s still on my mind as we still have to see it regularly
I mean, this is complicated as all get out, but I also feel like if your sister is somehow supportive of them, I think it's best you find a way to be as well. Even if she does deserve better, she may just not want these two people to be out of her life completely. Either that, or let her know how much pain this situation has caused you and how you may need better boundaries with them if they're in your space. But ultimately, she was the one who was betrayed, so really all you can do is be there for her in however she decides to move forward.
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I love how much you love your sister. Ultimately, however, she needs to decide when to put herself in the center of her life - it’s something you can’t do for her, sadly. But she’s lucky she’s got you. Maybe she’s got some growing to do.
I think that's the crux of the situation, she may just not be willing to let go of her individual relationships with them and I understand that.
thats exactly what it is! She always puts everyone first. Even though these two people have hurt her she still has their best interests at heart while it causes her pain and I don’t see how she can keep herself exposed to it! I’d be taking the self care route and just keeping my distance, even if only temporarily.
