Continuing on this, things are still going with Mr. Left His Number. We talk in some respect every day, and we've had a weekly hang since meeting. After discussing a recent bad day, he invited me over to cuddle, and we just had a cute movie night, cuddling on his couch the entire time until we passed out in each other's arms. The next week, he cooked us dinner again before I took him ice skating. It's all been so wonderfully sweet and I couldn't enjoy his company more. His incredible looks certainly don't hurt, nor does the great sex, but I always feel a nice mix of nervous butterflies and deep-rooted comfort when I'm around him. I really enjoy talking to him and hanging out with him, and I'm just trying to keep from ruining it. We've had more conversations about how he's not ready to start anything serious, so I'm also trying to keep from falling too hard - slow and steady is the key here. He's also invited me to the New Year's Eve party he's hosting at his place, which has left me conflicted. I'm very happy he wanted to invite me, but getting that 10 days after we met when the event is still 3.5 weeks out just felt very soon. I fully plan on going, but I do have hope that I'll be his New Year's kiss - and that I'll be spending the night - and I'll definitely feel some type of way if he chooses someone else in attendance. I'm just trying to keep from thinking too much about it as it's still a ways out, and instead dwell on the fun we're having.
To keep from being too focused on Mr. Left His Number, I had two dates last week with Mr. Swiftie. We matched on Hinge and skipped the small talk/chat to immediately grab drinks instead. The night flew by, with drinks leading to a stroll around a nearby lake and a ton of making out before I dropped him off at his car. He's very cute and sweet, and he immediately wanted to set up a follow up date. We grabbed dinner over the weekend, and I was startled by the fact that he brought me a gift. It was a 'cocktails for two' recipe book that was accompanied by a card with a personalized message about his excitement over meeting me. A lovely gesture, and I hate that I'm going to say this, but it felt like too much for someone I'd only met once before - 5 days prior. I don't know if it was the gift, but some of the spark seemed to dissipate that night. He didn't make an effort to move things forward physically, and I got flashbacks to my exes. A nice guy who just moved to LA from a small Middle America town, still without a community or hobbies of his own, who has just decided he's ready to date again and wants to focus on emotional connections vs physical ones... it's the same guy I always date and it never works out. When it comes to something serious, I'm more interested in someone who already has roots of their own in this city, who has a little edge, and is focused on the sexual aspect as much as the emotional. Him being a massive Taylor Swift fan doesn't help things for me. Again, he seems like a great guy, so I'll give him some more time, but I'm not sure we're aligned.
We'll see where the holidays take me, but I'm surprised this traditionally dormant period has been so fruitful.
Well the holidays took a bit of a disappointing turn. The sex life remains as fruitful as ever, so I’ll stay mum on that and remain grateful. But things with the two main suitors in my realm have soured. Mr. Swiftie and I did a movie night, but he didn’t make a move for anything more than continued making out once the film completed, and I just didn’t feel any motivation to do it myself. Think that told me everything I need to know: I’m just not that into him, and he may just not be that into me. Haven't heard from him since starting the new year, so think we both realized where we aligned.
Mr. Left His Number got strangely distant since my last post, and despite us both staying local for holidays with minimal plans, I struggled to get him to engage or hang out. I know the holidays are just a weird time for everyone, so I tried not to take it personally. We did have one great spontaneous movie night after Christmas, which saw me staying over and helping him shop for his New Year's Eve party the next morning. The following day, he sent a long text reiterating how he’s not ready to start anything new, how he's still dealing with the emotional fallout of his recent breakup, and how he might not be able to give me what I’m looking for. We agreed to keep things casual and moving along as they have been with the understanding that that may be all it ever is. I ended the exchange by letting him know I’ll respect his space at his party, since he's hosting, but that I’d love if he could save me a midnight kiss - a text he thumbs-upped.
Cut to New Year's Eve and I arrive to his party solo, unable to corral any friends into joining me. I quickly ran into another guy I’d been hooking up with last summer, and we fell right into some lovely conversation. This guy introduced me to his roommate, and we all hit it off, which was a nice distraction from Mr. Left His Number. That was… until I discovered Mr. Left His Number and this other guy also have a thing going. It then felt like the two of us were competing for Mr. Left His Number’s attention for the rest of the night… a competition I felt like I was losing most of the time. Mr. Left His Number definitely made time for each of us, but while I had to work for anything I got, he went out of his way for the other guy. Upon talking more with the roommate, I learned they’ve been seeing each other for a bit and that Mr. Left His Number had been “crossing the days off his calendar” until this other guy got back from his holiday travels. They went for an intimate dinner before the party, that my name had come up, and that they discussed how they’d both been hooking up with me. I noticed the other guy had stuff there and that he would clearly be spending the night. I would have been open to a fun threesome, but it also became apparent how frustrated the other guy was any time I made a move on Mr. Left His Number. I told this guy’s roommate that I felt like we were competing for Mr. Left His Number, and she agreed, theorizing if I was brought to the party for that reason. It made me feel like a prop or a tool in someone else’s game, which sucks.
I foolishly stuck it out for longer than I should have, but it eventually got to a point where I saw Mr. Left His Number and the other guy get into an argument, before he pulled the other guy aside for a lengthy makeout. I felt like my presence was just causing drama, and that this man clearly had no interest in choosing me, so I had a bit of a panic attack and quickly called an Uber. I raced out, giving Mr. Left His Number a quick goodbye, and found myself in a flood of tears by the time I’d reached the elevator. I understand he wants something casual, but him saying that's all he can handle emotionally while seemingly pursuing something serious with someone else felt like a true lack of transparency. I left feeling like a back-up plan, a consolation prize, which no one deserves. I’m tired of constantly chasing guys who don't chase me back, and falling for guys who lead me on before deciding they have no interest in me. But because I’m still me, and knowing emotions are always heightened on that silly holiday, I texted him the next day apologizing for rushing out, thanking him for the invite, and asking him to hang out again. A day later, I also texted the other guy, letting him know that it was nice seeing him, despite it being under unusual circumstances. I didn’t hear back from either one.
The following week, Mr. Left His Number reached out to wish me luck on a big work project - a nice touch that reminded me of how great he is
when he's good. We texted a bit, never mentioning the New Year's Eve situation, and when I followed up about his availability to hang, he told me how busy he is and how he needs to focus on work right now. But as I should have guessed, he soon posted on Instagram a number of times with the other guy from that night. So he’s not necessarily too busy… he’s just too busy for me, which probably tells me everything I need to know.
More than anything, I’m just tired. I devote so much time and energy to my love life, and I always end up in these same failed circumstances. Men who hold me by a string, and as their feelings dissipate, they continue holding me by said string because I let them. I want to be more mindful of the guys I devote my energy to, and have more clarity around my own decisions and the effect they have on the people I attract. Tinder and Hinge sent me emails this week letting me know my accounts have been banned without reason, so the year is really off to a winning start.
