Depression | Page 113 | The Popjustice Forum

Depression

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by itzkk96, Jul 9, 2011.

  1. I’ve also found mindfulness activities more helpful than other therapies I’ve tried. I’m done waging a constant battle against my thoughts. Which isn’t to say that I’ll never challenge them (that would be ridiculous), but I find it more productive to acknowledge my negative thoughts are something I’m feeling and I can let them go. They are not permanent. Maybe this sounds like a minuscule distinction to some, but to me it feels really different.
     
  2. Kind of a diary entry per usual.

    My mother has come to visited me and we are ok-ish again. I was genuinely surprised to find out that i don't mind her presence and even enjoy her small talk a lot. This constant feeling of uncertainty and clashing feelings have exhausted me a lot though. One positive thing is I don't feel anxious like i have previously felt. I'm just tired of constantly dealing with it.
     
  3. I’ve been in such a bad state lately, and I can’t tell if it’s legitimate depression or just... a funk. I’m always so tired. School has become a nightmare. I’m not really sure what to do. I just want to give up for a while.* Take a time out from everything.

    On top of that, my epilepsy has really been getting to me. I had a seizure on Sunday and it completely removed me from normalcy.

    I don’t know. Maybe I just need to vent.


    *not like self-harm or anything. Literally just check out and come back in six months when things aren’t so shitty.
     
    ThighHighs likes this.
  4. First time venturing in here but just need to vent because god DAMN I'm so lonely. I haven't been in any kind of meaningful romantic relationship since high school and it's almost entirely been my fault. I'm TERRIFIED to let anyone approach me in a romantic way and as a result of my own fear of being rejected, I've fully closed myself off from any sort of romantic (or even sexual) intimacy. This never used to bother me because most of my friends were single and I could play it off as a "Who has time for a relationship? Ugh, not me!" thing for a while. Then my friends started coupling off and it's just left me feeling lonely as fuck.

    This all has come to a head last week when my best friend told me he's started seeing someone. I'm happy for him, but I can't help but feel a panic rising in me whenever I think about the fact that my friend is going to abandon me for his new boyf and I'm going to be left alone. Simply put, I'm jealous. On top of that, we're supposed to go to a friend's farm this weekend with another one of our friends for a chill weekend away. Then I find out that both of my friends are bringing their respective boyfriends, PLUS another gay couple I don't know is coming. Meaning there will be 3 couples and then me as the... 7th wheel? I feel so silly for being so upset about this but it feels like all of my issues are coming to a head and I'm cracking. It's crazy to me that I feel so alone when my friends constantly show they care for me, but it's hard to get out of my own head.

    The silver lining to all of this is that my fragile mental state has finally given me the push I needed to reach out to a therapist. I have my first appointment next Thursday so hopefully that will help me out.
     
  5. Honestly I would be pretty upset about that as well. Shoot me. I'm not going to sit here and bullshit you and act like that's nothing to be annoyed about, because I've been in situations like that before and it fucking sucks. Loneliness is an awful feeling but at the same time you can't expect friends not to invite their partners to these things either. You just have to deal with it and I guess the positive thing is that there's a decent sized group of you so really, it's better than being a 3rd or 5th wheel. Chances are you're all gonna be hanging out together as a big group and breaking off into smaller groups etc for the weekend, it's not like you're going to be completely isolated and if your friends were socially aware enough they would make sure not to spend too much time in PDA mode around someone who's single.

    I'm glad you're reaching out to a therapist and I wish you all the best. Please let us know how you get on. I feel like reaching out to one myself but not sure how it works on the NHS and imagine there'd be a long waiting list?

    Anyways, I was coming here to basically whine about my own loneliness. I've had everything I really wanted in life so far - good friends, my own place, healthy family, decent jobs, financially secure (so far), crazy life experiences and a plan for the future (kinda) but I'm missing a relationship and it drives me absolutely crazy and I hate how desperate and insecure it makes me. I get overly attached to anyone who shows me mutual interest and end up scaring them away. I'm currently unemployed and waiting to have surgery in 6 weeks and have spent the last few months home alone on dating apps and being constantly rejected and led on. I started seeing a guy and I completely fucked it up the last time I met him by being too clingy and emotional and now he's being really cold and distant. I ended up being unable to eat or sleep after he left because I knew I fucked it up and now I'm trying my best to keep a distance and wait a week or two before contacting him incase he blocks me. The loneliness and desperation was so bad that getting a message from him made me completely elated and bouncing off the walls with happiness and at the same time if I was ever left on "opened" or he ignored me I'd be in a horrible, low, depressed mood for the rest of the day.

    To be fair, it was never this bad when I was working and my social life was better. It's probably because I'm stuck indoors alone with no human interaction for months on end. I hope when I get my surgery and I get back into work etc that my mental state improves but right now I can't do shit. Sigh. Well, I'm seeing a doctor today to see if I can get permission to start a gym (health issues) and if he says yes then I'm gonna try working out and going to the gym to distract me. Fingers crossed.
     
    ThighHighs likes this.
  6. So thanks so everyone who was concerned about me previously. I’m still on the same medication, cymbalta.
    The suicidal thoughts aren’t quite as heavy as before, which is nice. However the doctor increased my dosage to 60mg a day and I don’t know if it’s helping. I DO know that my sex drive has now become non-existent. Should I ask to be put on different meds? I don’t know, I kinda just feel like everyday blurs into one. It’s only been a month though, maybe it needs some time. The only thing that is helping right now is weed, lol.
     
    Last edited: Mar 22, 2019
  7. I really don't know enough about mixing medications (or drugs in general) to really say this but is it a good idea mixing weed and meds?
     
    Jawshxx likes this.
  8. In our last session my therapist suddenly asked me why i have been keep coming and kind of pressured me with my answers. After we departed, i began to think on his rather odd behavior of and questioned him about why he did that. He said that he asked it because he thought that was a question i was asking to myself and getting frustrated over underneath, which is true, but i keep thinking of what would he do, if i said alright and left the therapy for good. The way he gambled with my therapy progression makes me feel like he does not care about my process, whether i'm comfortable or not and me.

    I'm also kind of scared bringing this to him as i don't wanna make him alienate from me and hinder my well being even further.
     
  9. So... Lately I feel like I have being a little happier despite still being in a weird state most of the time. I had a mini drunken breakdown last night, got kinda scary, but nothing happened. I'm trying to cut back on the weed but boredom is a huge problem, like, I get bored so easily and I just get baked out my mind and have an adventure in my head. Its whatever I guess. Basically, I think things are either getting better or I'm just accepting them more?? I don't really know what to feel, but I'm hoping it's up from here.
     
  10. I'm also in a similar headspace minus the weed. My therapy process has been developing as i started to realize my thought patterns very blatantly so even though i still struggle a lot, at least i feel like i'm aware of what has been going inside my head so i can produce counter arguments no matter how feeble they often seem.

    I still feel isolated and worthless most of the time but i can deal with those feelings at some degree nowadays.
     
    ohnostalgia and Runawaywithme like this.
  11. My psychiatrist said no, so did the lady at the weed store when I was looking into CBD products for migraine (which will still have some THC)
     
    londonrain likes this.
  12. I'm having quite a long slump at the minute, that grey cloud is in my brain and I can't pull myself out of it. I get suicidal thoughts often these days, but I'm taking it day by day and hoping for better.

    I hope things have got better Drew. If you ever need to talk more, my inbox is open.
     
  13. Sorry for the horribly dark post but, I’m on the edge. I’ve been contemplating with the idea suicide one and off for a few days now. It’s really hard to talk about, but I feel like all my life is right now are drugs and drinks. The days just meld together. I go to work, come home, get into the same old arguments with my boyfriend and go to sleep. Repeat ad nauseam. I feel like I’m losing touch with my friends cuz they have all had enough listening to be my shit, but if I can’t turn to them then who can I..
     
  14. Are there any suicide hotlines or similar numbers in your area? It’s worth Googling them and seeing if there is someone you can call.

    You should also make a doctor’s appointment as soon as you can, as it sounds like you’re really struggling with depression and it may be that therapy and/or medication is urgently needed.

    (Also, alcohol is notorious for making depression worse, so if you can I’d really strongly recommend staying off drinking as it is probably exacerbating your situation.)
     
  15. Everything in this house is straight from hell, I swear. I’m sick of my sister and she’s so abusive. I hate her living here. I don’t have any energy.
     
  16. Oooh. I feel you on this.

    I've been single for... 6 years now. And I'm in my twenties. It's mainly been self-imposed, but the "I'm focusing on work" excuse isn't really working anymore. I have the same issues you do. I'm just... illogically scared. When I think about *what* I'm so scared of, I can't be specific. It's so strange. Perhaps it's just wanting to invest in someone & having it all be a waste of time?

    Both my younger sister & my brother are in relationships now, so I'm always the 5th wheel (8th if you toss my parents into the mix). It's not easy, & it makes me want to push myself out of my comfort zone, but I haven't mustered up the courage to just yet.

    Like you, I also tried reaching out to LGBTQ-friendly therapists, but the one recommended "collective" I applied for that matches you with the best fit took over a month to reply to my inquiry, then basically said I'd have to pay for all of it because I "make too much money". Ddddd. Gave up on that.

    Anyway. Wishing you the best of luck with everything. Maybe we should be accountability partners - ha!
     
  17. We are sisters in this. I've gone to two sessions of therapy and it does feel like it's helped just to have someone non-judgmental to spill all my feelings to. I know it can be a CHORE to find somewhere to go, but it does feel like it has helped me to focus on what is creating the barrier that is preventing me from even trying to get out there.

    You hit the nail on the head about not wanting to invest all the energy into potential relationships and having it all be a waste of time. Having been out of "the game" for so long, I don't know how to re-enter it, even casually. So many people would just say to download grindr or some other app, but that's just not my scene and, not fishing for sympathy, guys who look like me don't get attention on the apps. I much prefer meeting people in-person and creating a connection that way, but the depression and anxiety has made going out to bars or clubs really tough these last few years.

    My therapist and I have kind of tried to create a game-plan for me, which really just starts with being open to going out and meeting new people. After college, I had built up a large friend group and was really socially active. Without realizing it I had cut myself off from meeting new people because I only hung out with my friends. However, as the years have gone on that friend group has shrunken due to people moving away or just falling out of touch. Now, being 6 years out of college, the group of friends shrunk from 15-20 people to only about 5. We went from going to the bars en mass every weekend to just hanging at each others places and not really going out at all, eliminating any chance I have to meet someone. So now I'm trying to go out more, be willing to meet new people, and try new things. I'm taking baby steps to be more available to life outside the bubble I had isolated myself into.

    If you ever want to chat more about it, my PMs are open, sis!
     
    Euphoria, ohnostalgia and enjoy v2.0 like this.
  18. I have been going to therapy for 2 months now and i feel like i only shared the tip of the iceberg. Plus i get very confused about my identity, my perspective on myself and social standing. My feelings are a lot more balanced i suppose but i feel like i'm getting lost (or confused) the more i read and share through therapy.
     
  19. 2 months is nothing in therapy world, if that makes you feel any better. How many sessions is that? Eight? It takes a long time for you to start clearing out the emotional clutter and understand and articulate your feelings, so don't feel like you're under pressure to do it quickly. It will take the amount of time it needs to take. Think of it as like trying to untangle a particularly large ball of string - at first it seems like you're getting even more tangled (and even when you untangle a particular section it seems like you're just tangling the rest of it more) but it doesn't mean you're not making progress.
     
  20. That was a really effective analogy for me. Thanks for stepping in and sharing your thoughts. Yeah, i tend to get impatient about this and this was an issue we have talked throughout the journey so far. I am trying to be more easy on myself about this issue beside many others.
     
    ohnostalgia and londonrain like this.
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