Depression | Page 115 | The Popjustice Forum

Depression

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by itzkk96, Jul 9, 2011.

  1. I had a pretty brutal jaw surgery 2 months ago and got my top jaw brought forward, my bottom jaw pushed back and my chin rotated due to orthodontic and bite problems. I was on the waiting list for years and remember counting down the days and expecting to be confident and happy once it was done, as I'd spent my entire life with low self esteem because of my underbite and the way my teeth looked.

    Most of the swelling has gone down and while I admit that I do look better, I just feel a bit underwhelmed with it all? I was in hospital for 10 days, on a liquid diet for a month, intense pain and swelling and difficulties with speech etc and currently have hypersensitivity in my chin and mouth area - which might be permanent and is extremely uncomfortable for me - and I'm just sitting here feeling like nothing in my life has changed? I've got the surgery out of the way but it's done nothing for my depression. I'm still unhappy and lonely. All that's really changed is that my face is still puffy and swollen, I can't talk properly and I can't eat properly. Sure, I look better visually but so far I wouldn't say it's been worth it and it's upsetting me because some of the side effects could be permanent.

    Hopefully I feel better in time and I recover from everything but right now I miss my old face and my old life and being able to eat, talk and go out in public and meet friends and family without my face feeling like this.
     
    Vasilios likes this.
  2. After a catastrophic 18 months, I finally reached breaking point yesterday.

    Luckily someone noticed and told me I needed help. I think deep down I've known this entire time, but I almost NEEDED an outsider's validation.

    The result is i'm now being referred to counselling through my employer and I already feel like a weight has been lifted without even having a session yet.
     
  3. Having had jaw surgery to bring my top jaw brought forward and gone through the limited speech, the swelling, liquid diet, mushy food diet etc., and all I can say is hang in there! I had it done nine years ago and I am so, so glad I had it done. It's super hard to appreciate it at the time, but every time I see my smile now, or my side profile in a picture I'm glad I went through all the grief. It's also one of those things that mentally stays with you in a "If I could get through that time I can get through anything" kind of way. I'd have the surgery done again now ten times over, which isn't how I felt when I was just over it at the point you are now.

    I was also told it was possible/likely I would suffer some numbness in my jaw for a long time after, and I didn't, any numbness went away within a couple of months.
     
    andru and londonrain like this.
  4. I’ve had diabetes for three months. I was supposed to be on Metformin but was never actually given the prescription. I had an appointment on Monday and my A1C is down so i don’t need it as long as it doesn’t’ go up. There’s a family history of diabetes so in addiction to having that mess to deal with, I also run the risk of heart disease (now doubled because there’s already a family history), kidney disease and stroke. I have to test my glucose but have had a short paycheck the past two weeks and couldn’t afford the items. I need to call my doctor/nurse but they didn’t talk about writing a prescription for it, just “try cheaper different ones out”.

    Speaking of which, I have to leave work early and only have four hours. It still makes me tired to think of the 36 hour work week ahead. I want to call in tomorrow but we can’t afford it and I don’t want to be fired.

    I’ve been doing okay with taking care of myself, minus the exercise, but I’m going to start working on that. Anyway, I’m feeling sad and tired and anxious because lol, could die in my sleep randomly.
     
    ohnostalgia likes this.
  5. Feeling really down about graduating tomorrow. It’s always been just me & my mum but it really hits home on days when I have to see my friends & their families, siblings, boyfriends etc. I feel bad for my mum having to go to another parent event alone, and I feel bad for even articulating these thoughts because it’s like she’s not enough - she’s amazing, I just wish we both had extra people in our lives. Keep trying to tell myself it’s amazing that I’ve come from a single parent family, living on the breadline, and still completed an architecture degree, but it just feels hollow/pointless. I feel guilty for feeling like this too. I can’t wait for tomorrow to be over, which feels so ungrateful about a graduation, but I honestly would rather be home and not fake smiling for photos.
     
  6. So five months ago I've changed jobs. I got this job, which is 100% remote and it pays much better. I've really wanted this job as I wanted to travel a lot and that is what I did, except it's not really how I've imagined it will be...

    Before I've started my journey, I went home to be with my mother for 3 weeks, an experience that went from "it feels so good to be here" to "this is a fucking nightmare" with each day. It's a freaking hellhole that village, filled with shame and trauma. The punch that finished me was my brother telling me that he hates his family and wants to go very far from them and never see them again.

    I could barely breathe and think in the days that followed, then I got on a plane and went: 2 weeks in Athens, one week in Denmark, one week in Birmingham, one week in London, one week in Utrecht, on week in Munich. I still have on week to go in Vienna then 2 weeks in Tallinn.

    I'm exhausted.

    My anxiety is through the roof, especially living in Airbnb with other people, and that prompts be to rarely leave my room. I wake up during the night and sometimes it takes me a minute to realize where the fuck I am this time and my friends continue to be jealous of me because I get to do this.

    I feel ungrateful even as I'm writing this. There are such good parts, to visit and have my breath taken away by amazing sights, but I've had enough of making calculations every week, to see what money I have left, where is cheaper to travel and to stay this time, what bus to take and so on, I can't do this anymore.

    I would like to enroll in college somewhere and I'm afraid that if I return to Romania to do this, I will go back to my place of complacency and comfort, plus the education system is pretty busted and I don't want to go 3 years to a college just for a piece of paper.

    I honestly feel lost and I cannot stop myself from thinking about the future, what to do next and to just enjoy the present moment.
     
    31entrance, Jacques and Reboot like this.
  7. I can relate to this. I went through a similar phase in April/May when I did a lot of travelling (while unemployed), and while the journey was 100% amazing, my anxiety was at its worst ever. I really struggled with the fact that I was doing all this amazing stuff abroad while, back at home, I didn't have a future at all. And like you, I kept worrying about money and small things like where I was going to eat in the morning. I tried planning everything out in the smallest detail, but by doing so I only made my anxiety worse. There were moments when I could hardly drag myself out of the hotel. My sense of time was also completely fucked up at the time (and still is).

    It wasn't really until the last couple of days that I started properly enjoying myself. I started taking things slow instead of rushing through the cities I was visiting. Sometimes I'd just sit on a bench somewhere for a couple of hours and do breathing exercises or write in my journal and everything would feel a bit better. I'd still worry about the future, but I also got better at pushing the worries away. I told myself that I couldn't look for a job while abroad, and that I'd worry about that again when I got home.

    I think the same could apply to you. You can worry about going to college when you get back from your travels.
     
  8. Thank you for your advice, I will hang on to this until I will finish this trip.

    This hit a bit hard for me. I'm not on very good terms with my family, as we keep pretending that I'm not gay whenever we get together. This prompted me to realize that if I'll ever have a boyfriend or get married, I will never be able to share any of this with them. It's a punching realization to see that your family doesn't really know you, at all.

    I certainly don't want my message to come across as preachy or anything, but I am jealous, I would've loved to at least have my mother closer to me now and to be able to celebrate with her my successes, my passions, anything really. I understand your pain, your longing for normal, for better, but in these situations we have to do with what we've got.

    And congratulations on graduating, that in itself it's an amazing feat.
     
    londonrain, Reboot and Jacques like this.
  9. I'm feeling on the verge of a breakdown after i had a flashback of one of my bad experiences with abuse. I'm not feeling very good.

    I don't know if therapy works or makes me worse to be honest. I just don't know. I just feel incredibly isolated and worthless. I thought therapy would help and eventhough i enjoy my therapist and value him a lot, i'm sad to say i don't think it does.
     
    ohnostalgia and WallyWinterborn like this.
  10. My self esteem has absolutely crumbled since being cheated on. It was fragile anyway but I feel completely hideous and unlovable. I’ve been obsessing about my weight and my skin. I tried to do some dating apps for some external validation but I just miss my boyfriend and the whole experience has just completely destroyed all the hard work I’ve been doing the last few months on my mental health. I feel awful and I feel like I look awful. My self image has never been worse. Not having a job is making things worse too, because it’s an excuse to just sit on the sofa and stare at the ceiling literally all day. I can’t bring myself to see anyone because I not only feel completely helpless but so ugly too. I feel silly even writing it but I’m just having an awful time and I feel like my medication isn’t mitigating it.
     
  11. Do you have a therapist? This is an excellent time to speak to one. Being cheated on is a huge blow to anyone’s self-worth and it’s totally normal to need to take some time to lick your wounds.
     
    ohnostalgia and Lila like this.
  12. I’m staying with my mum over summer so I don’t have access to one at the moment because it’s not my main residence. I’ve called the Samaritans about things like this in the past, but I always feel a little guilty about doing it even though I know it’s what it’s there for. I feel a bit better this morning, yesterday I was all over the place.
     
  13. Is your mum being helpful about it?

    Please please always do call the Samaritans when you feel like this. You’re going through a legitimately traumatic life event and it’s totally natural for you to need some help.

    Glad you’re feeling a bit better!

    (And my PMs are always open, of course.)
     
  14. People cheat because they're trash. It's got nothing to do with you. Models, celebrities etc get cheated on and to us they're 'perfect'. If someone has it in them to hurt someone and cheat on them then they will do it no matter what you look like or what sort of person you are. This experience will make you stronger in time.
     
    Lila likes this.
  15. If it helps alleviate that feeling of guilt the Samaritans have an email address you can use [email protected]. It's less responsive than calling them (roughly a 24 hours response time) but it might help to write things down in those moments - save a draft and come back to it later, or press send right away. A lot of people I contact in my job (which is social media based) whenever we have crisis content to handle often describe feeling like they're wasting time, or that their issues aren't as important as others, and emailing can sometimes feel less like you're using people's time as it's a less immediate way to make contact I guess.
     
  16. My question is, do you still feel safe when talking with your therapist? Do you feel that you can go to that place, together? My advice would be to bring this up in your next therapy session. I've had many, many sessions when I left home and I was so activated, I just spent the next days crying in bed, sinking deeper and deeper into the pitfall of my despair. I felt hurt and betrayed by my therapist, I thought she was there to help me not feel like this anymore and I felt even worse.

    Because of that, I've stopped seeing her for two months, I didn't feel safe anymore and I've isolated myself. The sucky part is that pain grows more and more when you're alone, when you feel that no one understands your pain. After two months I've returned and I've managed to accept that part of my recovery is digging deeper and deeper to the source of my pain, of what makes me feel worthles, incapable and unlovable.

    We need to be kinder with ourselves and give us time. When you've experienced trauma, your brain is wired differently and it takes a lot of work to change that, to form different connections, and a lot of effort. I'm sorry if I sound like a broken record but honestly, this is what I'm hanging on, especially these days when I am myself very triggered by the people around me.

    And I just tell myself, I've been very hurt and traumatized in the past, I need to be gentle with myself and give myself time, I will get there eventually. Also, for me it helped a lot to keep a diary and note for every day, what triggered me, what hurt me, how I've managed to pull myself back to the present moment and not fall down the rabbit hole.

    I hope this provides any solace and if you ever need to talk, my inbox is open.
     
  17. I dropped another therapist but I felt justified because she was trying to treat my eating disorder like an addiction and I personally found that really misguided.

    @Lila you can always chat with me as I have extensive experience obsessing over my body. I’d hate to see it turn into something you take action on in a negative way.

    I’m back at work for 12 hours a week and everyone there complains all the time. Joining in on that culture exasperated my depression before I left work for my medical leave. Anyone have good tips on tuning out negativity from other people even if you agree with it. I just don’t want to get in a cycle again.
     
    Last edited: Aug 11, 2019
    WallyWinterborn, londonrain and Lila like this.
  18. Anyone who has these tips: share them with me too! I’m coming out of a friendship with someone who has been consistently negative for months and I’m only just teaching myself to stop making excuses for them and start taking care of myself more. I feel really stupid for allowing myself to have been treated the way I have been and for letting them adversely affect my mental health for so long.
     
    Lila, WallyWinterborn and ohnostalgia like this.
  19. I feel safe but I don’t think nothing will change for the better and lately I have been thinking about I’m just fooling myself by taking a therapy. It does not make sense but I still find myself I wish I would not come back.

    Thanks for reaching out @WallyWinterborn. I know I am the hardest critic of myself and I actually made some accomplishments in life but it does not feel real and enough which ends up finding myself in that toxic downward spiral.

    Childhood really fucks you up good, huh.
     
  20. @enjoy v2.0 maybe you’re not doing the best type of therapy for your situation? On the other hand I completely get thinking you’re fooling yourself with therapy.
     
    enjoy v2.0 likes this.
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