Depression | Page 121 | The Popjustice Forum


Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by itzkk96, Jul 9, 2011.

  1. My college is being forced to move to mostly online classes, if possible, for the remainder of the semester. And I'm kind of really freaking out about it. Throughout the past couple months, I haven't really been motivated to do anything for or with school - except for my wonderful music classes - but until this announcement, for the past week and a half or so, I felt like I was finally gaining that motivation again and looking forward to doing my work and getting it on time, and finishing the semester with relatively high grades. But now...I'm freaking out about it. I'm so anxious, because I know that if I don't have the structure that going to class and discussing the topics we're working on, and interacting with others gives me, if I just have to do the work on my own before it's due then I'm probably not going to do anything. I can never carve out time for me to focus specifically on school-work and get it done and do it well, and then I'm always quickly rushing it a night or two before, or just not bothering completely. And I don't know how to stop doing that, so I'm really anxious about what I'm going to do, and that's making me just not wanna do anything. Like, I skipped math again today, partly cause I wanted to sleep in, but also because I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I'm just worried and anxious about it all, and that's leading me to feel like it's hopeless.
    Chris Lala, ysev, ufint and 9 others like this.
  2. This is a really tricky situation to be in, but please remember that you're not alone in this. There will be a lot of students in similar situations, and I've no doubt that your college will already be discussing what to do when schools are allowed to open again.

    I think the upside of having to move to mostly online classes is that it'll allow you to take your coursework one step at a time - and that you can do it when you personally feel up for it. If you can, try to do a little bit of coursework every day. Even just doing ten minutes of work every day could help you bring back the structure you say you need. And you could always ask your professors/teachers to send you more activities if that helps to keep you motivated.
    ysev, Espeon, londonrain and 2 others like this.
  3. I was at a dinner last night and everyone there has to start working from home on Monday. An almost funny part of the mail they were sent went something like: you still need to dress up and be presentable during this time, and that doesn't entail putting on a sweater over your pyjamas. We laughed, but also agreed it was sensible advice, so that's what I would tell you, @Music Is Life. Set an alarm, get up, have breakfast and shower, get dressed as if you're going out, and hopefully it will help you through the rest of the day.
    ysev, flowersandu, londonrain and 5 others like this.
  4. Thank you. I know this is something a lot of students are going through, as I've talked about it with my friends, and we're all basically extremely worried but resigned to the current situation.

    That is something I hope will actually be helpful rather then detrimental to me as well, and I hadn't thought of using that strategy, so thank you.
    That's interesting. Thanks for the advice, but one thing I'm actually looking forward to because of this is my ability to sleep in, because I won't have to get up early to get a ride from my mom to school. I think being more well-rested will actually help me have the energy to do more school work. I will consider everything else though, so thank you.
  5. I do agree it’s important to shower and have breakfast and not be sitting on your bed in a t-shirt and pants when working from home. Tempting, but ultimately a hinderance.
  6. I can’t go more than two days without having a nap because I’m tired/feel like doing nothing. And my psychiatrist got upset when my counsellor suggested my depression wasn’t being treated appropriately and then started giving a defence of his decisions and I was just so tired I left the appointment. I’ve tried for months upon months to get new treatment for depression but he keeps saying it’s situational. It’s not. My work situation has improved dramatically but I feel just as tired and sad as ever.
  7. My depression and anxiety has really been coming at me like a freight train recently.

    I feel so isolated and lonely in Manchester for the first in ages. Everyone on my insta in Manchester seems to have a group of queer friends they regularly go on nights out with and I just don’t anymore. If I do go out I spend the time thinking I’m the ugly one or the one the others invited out of pity and then I get down and anxious and cope by drinking too much.

    I dunno, it’s great that Manchester is such a community of queer people but a lot of what I’m exposed to is either gaggles of beautiful gay men with great bodies, good hair and perfect faces that make me feel completely inadequate and unattractive or wonderful queer arty/creative types who make me feel incredibly boring and plain. But mustering up the energy to change things about my life/myself to counter these things is feels impossible.

    I have good things going on in my life at the moment, I’ve got my wonderful boyfriend and the fact I’ve just become a homeowner, but I can’t shake the sadness at all and just existing feels exhausting at the moment.
  8. I've actually felt this for a long time as well. I'm also in Manchester, and I always see people having a great time with their friends on instagram. For a while I even got anxious thinking of, for instance, going to a Carly Rae Jepson gig, cause I could imagine groups of gays having a great time while I'm going there alone.

    I think it's natural to think like that - as queer men we always feel alone, and we really want to be in part of the community, however there's such standards for us that we would be conscious of ourselves and wanting to achieve that standard, wether it's beauty standard or others.

    For me, I try to think that making any kinds of friends is hard. It also sounds like your life has been going well, and I think missing out on the "groups" does not mean you have missed out on anything. After all a lot of people in those groups might not actually be as happy as they look from the pictures.
    londonrain, Lapras, enjoy and 4 others like this.
  9. Thank you for taking the time to reply, it’s comforting knowing that there’s others feeling much the same as I do. I think you’re right in that loneliness is ingrained to the queer experience and so are, unfortunately, bullshit standards by which we measure ourselves against each other. I know all this objectively of course, but it’s hard to reconcile it all into healthy thought patterns a lot of the time.
  10. I couldn't agree with you more. I think it's also the feeling of "missing out" from most of the queer experience when we were young, and that made us really want to be part of the community.

    I also was reminded of an instance where a guy only want to hook up with me while having no interest being friends when I asked. I saw him at a gig with his friends there, he saw me but had no desire to even say hi to me. It did frustrate me a bit, making me conscious if it has to do with my race (especially I can tell he has been sexualising my race). But after all I just thought he's not really a good person and it's best to stay away from that kind of people anyway.
    junglefish, jordxn and londonrain like this.
  11. I've been there and I hate this feeling. You did well to remember that he's trash. It's not always easy to remember (especially if they're hot and their attention is flattering).
    Music Is Life and LoveSoSoft like this.
  12. That was literally how it was. I gave him multiple passes just thinking "oh he's hot", should have aborted earlier since trash is always trash.
  13. I feel like a lot of the POC experience of racism involves giving white people free passes just in case they're not being trash.

    (90% of the time they're just trash.)
  14. Today I'm a disaster, I woke up at 7 AM and cannot stop crying since. This week I've talked with my therapist about my darkest place, the atomic hole as I call it, my most scary, familiar and sacred place as I cannot still fully explore it with her, it's a place reserved only for me.
    A recent break up triggered all these feelings inside me, the dread of dying alone, the fear of abandonment and that I am not enough and perhaps never will, even though the break up had nothing to do with this. For the past weeks, my anxiety has been on the rise, especially when I see how much work I still have ahead of me and it's times like this when I wonder, is it fucking worth it?
    I'm rambling and unraveling now, I know that it's only today or perhaps this period of time, but it hurts when I'm back in this dark place. I'm tired of crying and putting myself together and of repeating this cycle.
  15. aux


    I need help.

    I don’t know, I’m getting really desperate. I’m posting this here because last time I did, I got some different suggestions which helped a lot. I had an online therapy session earlier which helped, but I can’t help but still feel like shit, as all the suggestions we came up with are things we have already spoken about, so it doesn’t feel like much progress.

    These past couple of weeks have been really hectic for all of us, and it’s really taken a toll on me. I’ve been doing my best to repress these feelings of anxiety, but it’s all exploded in my face and I really don’t know how to handle all of it. I think being cooped up at home, not doing much is making me realise that my life is worthless and I don’t do much for anyone. What scares me is that I finally got off antidepressants a couple of months ago, I really felt that I had finally gotten rid of all the suicidal thoughts. I’ve been crying pretty much all day, trying to fight all of this - I know I can, I’ve done it in the past - but I can’t stop feeling helpless. Last time this happened, I ended up hospitalised, and if there’s a place I’d really don’t want to end up now is there.

    Not having work is definitely not helping me, since the nature of my job means I can’t work from home. It’s also horrible because there’s this giant uncertainty over in my industry over what’s going to happen after all of this. I mostly live my life event after event, thinking of what’s next, and feeling that everything I was looking forward to this year probably isn’t happening is killing me. I had to move away from university in literally two hours and had no time to say goodbye to my entire support network over there, most of my friends are now in different time zones so it’s really difficult keeping a conversation with them. Not seeing my boyfriend in person isn’t helping either, even if we’re talking every evening when he comes back from work, and we’re doing online “dates” watching films together and having dinner together over FaceTime. He’s aware of all of this, but I don’t want to risk seeing him, since he works at a school and is bound to catch it.

    Some of the solutions I’ve been trying are these. I’ve been doing my best at keeping my university work as a 9 to 5, maintaining a schedule so I don’t go fucking crazy, and I am sticking to it. This is kind of helping, but it’s getting really difficult focusing on university work with all of this going on. I’ve been keeping myself busy with rates which is definitely helping, since I forget completely about everything for a couple of hours. I’ve been talking to some of you online, this is also definitely helping, but it’s worrying that I seem to have an over reliance on others to feel better. I've been doing yoga with my mum every morning, which helps, but only for a little bit.

    I don’t know. I just want to feel okay again.

    If any of you have any suggestions, I'd really appreciate it.

    Sorry for the vent.
  16. In fairness, self-isolation is a massive trigger and so you shouldn't beat yourself up for not having more resilience here - it would be a miracle if you somehow maintained your pre-lockdown level of mental health with everything going on. So you do need to make sure you're doing more than you normally would, and it is progress to go through previously-used coping strategies because guess what, Mimi? This whole situation is a big fucking spanner in the works of anyone who is trying to get better. If you're still able to forget about things for an hour or two by faffing around on PJ, that's a huge win. Don't underplay that.

    It's not wrong or worrying to rely heavily on other people at this time, especially given that the lack of other people is part of the problem. It sounds like you're doing all the right things - so try not to beat yourself up for needing more from yourself and from other people at this time. It's easy to take for granted the benefits of social contact, and it's only natural to need a substitute for that when you're deprived of it. Give yourself credit for having the self-awareness to seek it out as a coping mechanism.
    Doodvid, Lapras, flowersandu and 7 others like this.
  17. Fuck today has been dark.

    Oddly with lockdown finally happening, I was feeling kind of optimistic about things slowly getting better over the coming weeks. I’ve been ill for a few months now, but today is the first day I’ve started to feel positive that I can come through this. I’d pre-bought some food over time for people in my building that don’t have the access to things as much as I do, despite being ill. I handed them over to the loveliest lady in my building yesterday telling her to take whatever she wants and anyone else could have whatever is there too, as I wasn’t sure what each individual needed due to self isolating. So this morning, as I left for my walk/exercise, I saw that some of the food had been put in the communal area with a sweet note and people had continued to add their own items to it for people to take and I was just so happy that people had wanted to do what they could to help too. I saw some neighbours as I left and they cried and were grateful, but it got me thinking of the sweetest guy that lives in the house below me, whom I hadn’t seen for a month now.

    He’s gay so it was nice to have someone on the same wavelength as me in such close proximity, so I made a mental note to check on how he was doing and went about my exercise.

    A few hours later, after being back home, I noticed out the window a policeman in said neighbour below me’s garden. After a minute or two there was banging, which kept happening and I realised what they were doing. They were breaking down the back door to his house. I instantly panicked and started to call his closest friend on the estate to no avail, then text her, then proceeded to pace back and forth panicking, my chest collapsing in pain because I knew what this was subconsciously. And I wasn’t wrong. He’d killed himself, seemingly a while back and his body has just been there, underneath my flat for weeks. I don’t know what to do or say, which is ironic considering I’ve panicked and messaged several friends over this tonight. When I’d seen him a month ago, I wish I’d made more of an effort to get deep with him, to WhatsApp him, to make sure he knew he wasn’t alone. Because I’ve been there far too many times. And I know you can’t stop someone for making the choices they make in the end, but right now in the shock of it all, I’m just heartbroken that he felt so alone and helpless. I’ve never wanted to leave home as much as I have tonight, and the sick irony is I can’t.

    I wasn’t even sure if I should write this here, but if I don’t, I don’t know what I’ll do.
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