That was literally how it was. I gave him multiple passes just thinking "oh he's hot", should have aborted earlier since trash is always trash.
That was literally how it was. I gave him multiple passes just thinking "oh he's hot", should have aborted earlier since trash is always trash.
londonrain
Staff member
I feel like a lot of the POC experience of racism involves giving white people free passes just in case they're not being trash.
(90% of the time they're just trash.)
D
Deleted member 27249
Today I'm a disaster, I woke up at 7 AM and cannot stop crying since. This week I've talked with my therapist about my darkest place, the atomic hole as I call it, my most scary, familiar and sacred place as I cannot still fully explore it with her, it's a place reserved only for me.
A recent break up triggered all these feelings inside me, the dread of dying alone, the fear of abandonment and that I am not enough and perhaps never will, even though the break up had nothing to do with this. For the past weeks, my anxiety has been on the rise, especially when I see how much work I still have ahead of me and it's times like this when I wonder, is it fucking worth it?
I'm rambling and unraveling now, I know that it's only today or perhaps this period of time, but it hurts when I'm back in this dark place. I'm tired of crying and putting myself together and of repeating this cycle.
A recent break up triggered all these feelings inside me, the dread of dying alone, the fear of abandonment and that I am not enough and perhaps never will, even though the break up had nothing to do with this. For the past weeks, my anxiety has been on the rise, especially when I see how much work I still have ahead of me and it's times like this when I wonder, is it fucking worth it?
I'm rambling and unraveling now, I know that it's only today or perhaps this period of time, but it hurts when I'm back in this dark place. I'm tired of crying and putting myself together and of repeating this cycle.
he/him
I need help.
I don’t know, I’m getting really desperate. I’m posting this here because last time I did, I got some different suggestions which helped a lot. I had an online therapy session earlier which helped, but I can’t help but still feel like shit, as all the suggestions we came up with are things we have already spoken about, so it doesn’t feel like much progress.
These past couple of weeks have been really hectic for all of us, and it’s really taken a toll on me. I’ve been doing my best to repress these feelings of anxiety, but it’s all exploded in my face and I really don’t know how to handle all of it. I think being cooped up at home, not doing much is making me realise that my life is worthless and I don’t do much for anyone. What scares me is that I finally got off antidepressants a couple of months ago, I really felt that I had finally gotten rid of all the suicidal thoughts. I’ve been crying pretty much all day, trying to fight all of this - I know I can, I’ve done it in the past - but I can’t stop feeling helpless. Last time this happened, I ended up hospitalised, and if there’s a place I’d really don’t want to end up now is there.
Not having work is definitely not helping me, since the nature of my job means I can’t work from home. It’s also horrible because there’s this giant uncertainty over in my industry over what’s going to happen after all of this. I mostly live my life event after event, thinking of what’s next, and feeling that everything I was looking forward to this year probably isn’t happening is killing me. I had to move away from university in literally two hours and had no time to say goodbye to my entire support network over there, most of my friends are now in different time zones so it’s really difficult keeping a conversation with them. Not seeing my boyfriend in person isn’t helping either, even if we’re talking every evening when he comes back from work, and we’re doing online “dates” watching films together and having dinner together over FaceTime. He’s aware of all of this, but I don’t want to risk seeing him, since he works at a school and is bound to catch it.
Some of the solutions I’ve been trying are these. I’ve been doing my best at keeping my university work as a 9 to 5, maintaining a schedule so I don’t go fucking crazy, and I am sticking to it. This is kind of helping, but it’s getting really difficult focusing on university work with all of this going on. I’ve been keeping myself busy with rates which is definitely helping, since I forget completely about everything for a couple of hours. I’ve been talking to some of you online, this is also definitely helping, but it’s worrying that I seem to have an over reliance on others to feel better. I've been doing yoga with my mum every morning, which helps, but only for a little bit.
I don’t know. I just want to feel okay again.
If any of you have any suggestions, I'd really appreciate it.
Sorry for the vent.
I don’t know, I’m getting really desperate. I’m posting this here because last time I did, I got some different suggestions which helped a lot. I had an online therapy session earlier which helped, but I can’t help but still feel like shit, as all the suggestions we came up with are things we have already spoken about, so it doesn’t feel like much progress.
These past couple of weeks have been really hectic for all of us, and it’s really taken a toll on me. I’ve been doing my best to repress these feelings of anxiety, but it’s all exploded in my face and I really don’t know how to handle all of it. I think being cooped up at home, not doing much is making me realise that my life is worthless and I don’t do much for anyone. What scares me is that I finally got off antidepressants a couple of months ago, I really felt that I had finally gotten rid of all the suicidal thoughts. I’ve been crying pretty much all day, trying to fight all of this - I know I can, I’ve done it in the past - but I can’t stop feeling helpless. Last time this happened, I ended up hospitalised, and if there’s a place I’d really don’t want to end up now is there.
Not having work is definitely not helping me, since the nature of my job means I can’t work from home. It’s also horrible because there’s this giant uncertainty over in my industry over what’s going to happen after all of this. I mostly live my life event after event, thinking of what’s next, and feeling that everything I was looking forward to this year probably isn’t happening is killing me. I had to move away from university in literally two hours and had no time to say goodbye to my entire support network over there, most of my friends are now in different time zones so it’s really difficult keeping a conversation with them. Not seeing my boyfriend in person isn’t helping either, even if we’re talking every evening when he comes back from work, and we’re doing online “dates” watching films together and having dinner together over FaceTime. He’s aware of all of this, but I don’t want to risk seeing him, since he works at a school and is bound to catch it.
Some of the solutions I’ve been trying are these. I’ve been doing my best at keeping my university work as a 9 to 5, maintaining a schedule so I don’t go fucking crazy, and I am sticking to it. This is kind of helping, but it’s getting really difficult focusing on university work with all of this going on. I’ve been keeping myself busy with rates which is definitely helping, since I forget completely about everything for a couple of hours. I’ve been talking to some of you online, this is also definitely helping, but it’s worrying that I seem to have an over reliance on others to feel better. I've been doing yoga with my mum every morning, which helps, but only for a little bit.
I don’t know. I just want to feel okay again.
If any of you have any suggestions, I'd really appreciate it.
Sorry for the vent.
londonrain
Staff member
In fairness, self-isolation is a massive trigger and so you shouldn't beat yourself up for not having more resilience here - it would be a miracle if you somehow maintained your pre-lockdown level of mental health with everything going on. So you do need to make sure you're doing more than you normally would, and it is progress to go through previously-used coping strategies because guess what, Mimi? This whole situation is a big fucking spanner in the works of anyone who is trying to get better. If you're still able to forget about things for an hour or two by faffing around on PJ, that's a huge win. Don't underplay that.
It's not wrong or worrying to rely heavily on other people at this time, especially given that the lack of other people is part of the problem. It sounds like you're doing all the right things - so try not to beat yourself up for needing more from yourself and from other people at this time. It's easy to take for granted the benefits of social contact, and it's only natural to need a substitute for that when you're deprived of it. Give yourself credit for having the self-awareness to seek it out as a coping mechanism.
It's not wrong or worrying to rely heavily on other people at this time, especially given that the lack of other people is part of the problem. It sounds like you're doing all the right things - so try not to beat yourself up for needing more from yourself and from other people at this time. It's easy to take for granted the benefits of social contact, and it's only natural to need a substitute for that when you're deprived of it. Give yourself credit for having the self-awareness to seek it out as a coping mechanism.
they/she
Fuck today has been dark.
Oddly with lockdown finally happening, I was feeling kind of optimistic about things slowly getting better over the coming weeks. I’ve been ill for a few months now, but today is the first day I’ve started to feel positive that I can come through this. I’d pre-bought some food over time for people in my building that don’t have the access to things as much as I do, despite being ill. I handed them over to the loveliest lady in my building yesterday telling her to take whatever she wants and anyone else could have whatever is there too, as I wasn’t sure what each individual needed due to self isolating. So this morning, as I left for my walk/exercise, I saw that some of the food had been put in the communal area with a sweet note and people had continued to add their own items to it for people to take and I was just so happy that people had wanted to do what they could to help too. I saw some neighbours as I left and they cried and were grateful, but it got me thinking of the sweetest guy that lives in the house below me, whom I hadn’t seen for a month now.
He’s gay so it was nice to have someone on the same wavelength as me in such close proximity, so I made a mental note to check on how he was doing and went about my exercise.
A few hours later, after being back home, I noticed out the window a policeman in said neighbour below me’s garden. After a minute or two there was banging, which kept happening and I realised what they were doing. They were breaking down the back door to his house. I instantly panicked and started to call his closest friend on the estate to no avail, then text her, then proceeded to pace back and forth panicking, my chest collapsing in pain because I knew what this was subconsciously. And I wasn’t wrong. He’d killed himself, seemingly a while back and his body has just been there, underneath my flat for weeks. I don’t know what to do or say, which is ironic considering I’ve panicked and messaged several friends over this tonight. When I’d seen him a month ago, I wish I’d made more of an effort to get deep with him, to WhatsApp him, to make sure he knew he wasn’t alone. Because I’ve been there far too many times. And I know you can’t stop someone for making the choices they make in the end, but right now in the shock of it all, I’m just heartbroken that he felt so alone and helpless. I’ve never wanted to leave home as much as I have tonight, and the sick irony is I can’t.
I wasn’t even sure if I should write this here, but if I don’t, I don’t know what I’ll do.
He’s gay so it was nice to have someone on the same wavelength as me in such close proximity, so I made a mental note to check on how he was doing and went about my exercise.
A few hours later, after being back home, I noticed out the window a policeman in said neighbour below me’s garden. After a minute or two there was banging, which kept happening and I realised what they were doing. They were breaking down the back door to his house. I instantly panicked and started to call his closest friend on the estate to no avail, then text her, then proceeded to pace back and forth panicking, my chest collapsing in pain because I knew what this was subconsciously. And I wasn’t wrong. He’d killed himself, seemingly a while back and his body has just been there, underneath my flat for weeks. I don’t know what to do or say, which is ironic considering I’ve panicked and messaged several friends over this tonight. When I’d seen him a month ago, I wish I’d made more of an effort to get deep with him, to WhatsApp him, to make sure he knew he wasn’t alone. Because I’ve been there far too many times. And I know you can’t stop someone for making the choices they make in the end, but right now in the shock of it all, I’m just heartbroken that he felt so alone and helpless. I’ve never wanted to leave home as much as I have tonight, and the sick irony is I can’t.
I wasn’t even sure if I should write this here, but if I don’t, I don’t know what I’ll do.
I am spiraling down quite badly. Feeling of being unwanted / a burden on everybody has been a huge issue for me throughout my whole life and this isolation is not really helping with that. My relationship with my family has been quite toxic in my childhood and i feel like it has been taking a toll on me severely nowadays.
Last night we had a Skype call with my therapist and while i was talking through this stuff and the feel that everything i have touched, crumbling in shambles, even therapy; the stuff he has said came across very formal. I was trying to explain myself by saying that that is not on him as i grew very fond of him etc. he responded with saying i was trying to make sure if he felt ok and i did not need to and went on saying that i am free to drop it and start with a new therapist if i wanted to and he would remain available as much as i want. Which is fair i suppose, but now i fucked up and failed even him /this too, if that makes sense.
I am quite glad that i am starting to work again.
Last night we had a Skype call with my therapist and while i was talking through this stuff and the feel that everything i have touched, crumbling in shambles, even therapy; the stuff he has said came across very formal. I was trying to explain myself by saying that that is not on him as i grew very fond of him etc. he responded with saying i was trying to make sure if he felt ok and i did not need to and went on saying that i am free to drop it and start with a new therapist if i wanted to and he would remain available as much as i want. Which is fair i suppose, but now i fucked up and failed even him /this too, if that makes sense.
I am quite glad that i am starting to work again.
londonrain
Staff member
The point of a therapist is to help you. You can't fail a therapist. The therapist isn't relying on you for anything, and you don't have to do anything the therapist tells you to do. Ultimately your well-being is your responsibility, not the therapist's, which sounds harsh but actually it means that if you're not doing well then the therapist hasn't lost anything by it.
No matter how much you like your therapist, he's not your best friend or your partner or a family member. You can't be a burden on or fail someone who you're literally paying to listen to you talk.
No matter how much you like your therapist, he's not your best friend or your partner or a family member. You can't be a burden on or fail someone who you're literally paying to listen to you talk.
Yeah, i hear you. This is a thing i have to get over with because i genuinely enjoy the little bit talks we have outside of me. He even blurted out that he wish he would have a friend like me which made me very flattered back then (and a bit confused) so i guess this is where my feelings are originating from.
You are right though, i should check my comfort and well being more i check his. It is just the issues i have from my childhood plus these times make very hard for me to see in front of me.
D
Deleted member 27249
I can understand that, after all, you found someone who can truly empathize with your feelings and also pay them the attention and the respect warranted. I've been seeing my current therapist for 3 years now I believe and at some point, we both expressed some kind of regret at not being able to be friends as we have so much in common, but that would definitely jeopardize my process.
Back then I felt a bit stung by this but now it's a blessing because when you want to be friends with someone, you want to be liked and that means some kind of compromise in terms of what you wish to tell them or opinion you might have. So after establishing that boundary with my therapist, I feel freer at expressing any thoughts or disagreement I might have or call her out on anything that irks me.
What helps me sometimes is to think that I'm paying this amount of money to this person, she's offering a service and I want to make sure that I get what I need from this.
Again, this is a process that takes time but it's so worth it as in time you learn to set healthy boundaries with all the people around you, especially with your family, and stand your ground.
I have been in low moods lately due to quarantine, but I wanted to watch a queer movie this evening. I watched Paris is Burning and loved the warmth and funny moments, but, as always after the film, I feel like I'm am air balloon that just got popped. The reality of it all just hits me all in the last five minutes of the film (and whenever I decide to research more about the people). Maybe it wasn't too good of a choice give my moods, but Anna Oop.
she/her
I feel so stuck.
It feels like on the outside I appear fine. I'm not crying I'm not having manic attacks. My mood seems completely normal. But I know that I'm not okay. Suddenly I've lost interest in everything that normally makes me happy. Not a day has gone by in the last year where I haven't checked this forum and kept up to date on my Watched Threads. I have barely been here in a week. I'm not even reading the threads without replying. I just can't be bothered. I haven't listened to any music in over a week. Which also comes with a stupid sense of guilt because I feel like I should be. I love skincare but I'm not even doing that. I'm not doing anything that would make me happy. Instead I'm just hiding away and sleeping as much as possible. The one nice thing has been watching Parks and Rec with my girlfriend but it feels like that's it. There's so much that I want to do and could be doing but I just can't. I feel flat. I feel nothing.
And it scares me.
It feels like on the outside I appear fine. I'm not crying I'm not having manic attacks. My mood seems completely normal. But I know that I'm not okay. Suddenly I've lost interest in everything that normally makes me happy. Not a day has gone by in the last year where I haven't checked this forum and kept up to date on my Watched Threads. I have barely been here in a week. I'm not even reading the threads without replying. I just can't be bothered. I haven't listened to any music in over a week. Which also comes with a stupid sense of guilt because I feel like I should be. I love skincare but I'm not even doing that. I'm not doing anything that would make me happy. Instead I'm just hiding away and sleeping as much as possible. The one nice thing has been watching Parks and Rec with my girlfriend but it feels like that's it. There's so much that I want to do and could be doing but I just can't. I feel flat. I feel nothing.
And it scares me.
At some point in February this year(I honestly can't remember when and don't want too) , I showed up an 11am uni lecture having drank a bottle of rum the night before, now I'd shown up in various states like this before and got away with it, I've got a reputation for it but it never got as bad as it did here, are just no one ever noticed. Anyway, I broke down to my lecturer the day she caught me, I told her I was borderline suicidal, and a drinking too much and felt like dropping out.
She sent me home, told me to sober up and then just carry on, she would have refferd me to mental health services but I was already seeing them. It was a wake up call.
Now, I'm not by any means sober, but I feel like I'm finally learning to enjoy life again, over the last 3 years my mental health has been going up and down so much, with moving out of home and finally settling in Inverness and at uni, the whole time almost feels like a blur, I lived in student halls for the better part of two years and both of them were benders. I went from drinking occasionally at seshes to binge drinking pretty much daily. I can't remember a lot of that time in my life due to this. I honestly have no idea where this is going but I finally feel like I'm back to being myself again and liking my life, this had started a while ago and was a gradual process, but I was slowly falling back in love with my freinds, music, my family and I never really didn't before just was so caught up in my own dark world I couldn't see it. I'm out of that now, and I still have a long way to go but I'm glad to be alive and I'm actually due to lockdown exicted to get back out there and grab life by the balls. Edit: for some context I had to have a meeting with my course leader PAT(basically guidence tutor) about what happend, they said I could have been kicked out because of it but they didn't want to do that so I had to sign a bit of paper that said I would see a GP about all of this. They sheculded another meeting then just kinda never brought it up again.
She sent me home, told me to sober up and then just carry on, she would have refferd me to mental health services but I was already seeing them. It was a wake up call.
Now, I'm not by any means sober, but I feel like I'm finally learning to enjoy life again, over the last 3 years my mental health has been going up and down so much, with moving out of home and finally settling in Inverness and at uni, the whole time almost feels like a blur, I lived in student halls for the better part of two years and both of them were benders. I went from drinking occasionally at seshes to binge drinking pretty much daily. I can't remember a lot of that time in my life due to this. I honestly have no idea where this is going but I finally feel like I'm back to being myself again and liking my life, this had started a while ago and was a gradual process, but I was slowly falling back in love with my freinds, music, my family and I never really didn't before just was so caught up in my own dark world I couldn't see it. I'm out of that now, and I still have a long way to go but I'm glad to be alive and I'm actually due to lockdown exicted to get back out there and grab life by the balls. Edit: for some context I had to have a meeting with my course leader PAT(basically guidence tutor) about what happend, they said I could have been kicked out because of it but they didn't want to do that so I had to sign a bit of paper that said I would see a GP about all of this. They sheculded another meeting then just kinda never brought it up again.
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I know this is not the time but i can not deal with this feeling of not belonging anywhere. I know living in a very conservative environment and not experiencing a serious / intimate relationship does not help with any of this but lately i feel like i am the problem and i can not ever succeed at this. 30 years of old age and still i can not handle my emotions or do not have a feeling of self.
This lockdown has been eye opening in that regard.
This lockdown has been eye opening in that regard.
Suffering from anxiety and depression on top of being in lockdown is ... a challenge, sometimes. I never know if I'm just having one of my usual depressive "I hate myself and everything about me" days or if it's a direct result of not going outside enough. Or my hormones being a mess. Or all of the above. My mood is a lottery. I think what I'm struggling with most is just this intense need to be productive (creatively or otherwise) ... and then feeling like the worst person on the planet for not managing to get any work done. Fun stuff!
I also relate to everything you are saying @enjoy. I too feel like I do not belong anywhere. In the past I've tried chasing a feeling of belonging by just doing an awful lot of travelling, but when travelling suddenly becomes impossible, you suddenly realise that you still haven't found yourself. I often feel like I have the mental capacity of a baby when it comes to certain emotions.
I also relate to everything you are saying @enjoy. I too feel like I do not belong anywhere. In the past I've tried chasing a feeling of belonging by just doing an awful lot of travelling, but when travelling suddenly becomes impossible, you suddenly realise that you still haven't found yourself. I often feel like I have the mental capacity of a baby when it comes to certain emotions.
she/her
Does anybody have any advice on dealing with loss? It's not something I've dealt with a whole lot in my life and I'm just not handling it well. There's so many thoughts going around in my head that it's giving me a headache and I can barely do anything. I don't want to fall into a depression hole but it's like I've forgotten how to function.
It just hurts a lot right now but I don't want to just wallow in it, you know?
It just hurts a lot right now but I don't want to just wallow in it, you know?
D
Deleted member 27249
All I can say is to give yourself time, patience and permission. When my father died, my mind went numb and I couldn't cry for an entire year because of it. It was all I could do with the resources that I had at that time because I was afraid that I would crumble and never be able to put myself back together.
Only a year and a few months later reality hit me that my father was indeed gone and I will never see him again and that was when I cried uncontrollably for an entire day. I don't know if there is any way to contain or regulate grief, especially when it's about such an immense loss. I let myself be sad when I feel it creeping around me or be angry.
Give yourself time, cry if you need to cry, it is absolutely alright, write a letter to the person you've lost to tell them everything you want to tell them, confide in a friend. The lows are very low now when the pain is still so fresh, in time it will be a tad easier, though that pain remains with you.
I feel I rambled quite a bit here, I do hope that this gives you even an ounce of solace in this time.
I quit my job at a hospital in February (pre-COVID crisis here in Brazil) because it was sinking my mental health, which led me to a few months of job searching and social isolation, and now I'm thinking of going back to living with my parents in my hometown, which is small as hell.... My relationship with my parents isn't the big problem, it's more the feeling of being lost and having no idea what to do with my life that's been hard to deal with in the last few weeks. I wish I could find enough energy to do anything but after so many weeks in isolation it's like I simply can't motivate myself anymore.
Anyway, capitalism sucks (as always).
Anyway, capitalism sucks (as always).