Depression | Page 134 | The Popjustice Forum


Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by itzkk96, Jul 9, 2011.

  1. As a person on the spectrum who enjoys reading your posts, I wanna mention that Pop & Justice forum isn't a great place for my mental health precisely because it reminds me of the ways I don't fit in. And it's exhausting enough in real life, right? It's hard to just exist when you can't connect with anybody on a deep level cause your very brain functions a certain way. You know you are not the problem but the majority seems hellbent on making you feel the opposite. Nothing I can say hasn't been said before better in a less rambling way but.. well, basically your feelings are 100% valid, that's just what I wanted to say. And thanks for confirming my expectations with your review of the Marina album, guess I'm tentatively ready for that dumpster fire dive.
  2. This post made me feel a bit better. And I agree with everything you said.
    Last edited: Jun 12, 2021
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  3. As somebody who has also felt like an outsider almost all my life I can definitely sympathise with how you feel, @Raichu. Just thinking about going sober to a meet up with a bunch of strangers Is giving me anxiety ddd

    Reading about your experience at the meet up event just reminded me of my own experience when I moved to a new high school back in the day. No matter how hard I tried to make friends people seemed to have zero time for me. It was so frustrating as it does make you wonder if there is something wrong with you, or if you carry some sort of negative aura that puts people off. I take rejection hard, and it’s one of the parts of myself I do need to still work on but just know that there will be people who appreciate you and what you have to say and offer. Please don’t let it rattle your confidence too much (easier said than done, I know!)

    Sending love your way!
    IEngineered, Pink Frost and Raichu like this.
  4. Thank you so much. Sending love to you too. I am definitely trying to believe that people who truly value me will come into my life.
    Jawshxx likes this.
  5. On a completely unrelated note, I’ve been feeling pretty down as of late.

    I’ve battled with accepting my appearance all my life. I work with young kids, and something one of them said the other day really rattled me. They were like ‘Wow, Josh, you’re ugly! Your nose is big, your face is wide’ etc, etc. This was a 5 year old, mind you so obviously you need to take what little kids say with a grain of salt. So I reprimanded him and told him that it’s not nice to say those type of things, etc.

    But when I got home I couldn’t seem to get the comments out of my mind. It took me back to a dark place in high school where I was constantly criticized and belittled for my appearance. When I was around 14 or so I had some kind of skin issue where the lymph nodes in my face wouldn’t drain properly and left me looking bloated and chubby and people were really horrible to me about it. That, coupled with my feminine presentation at the time led people to call me various homophobic and transphobic slurs and it got so bad that I didn’t even bother going to school for a long period. It didn’t help at the time that I was going through a period of believing I was trans (which turned out to actually me being gender queer.) After that trauma I then went through a phase of doing a 180, changing my appearance completely in order to present more masculine. The comments started to stop but then it just started to make me feel I was being inauthentic to myself.

    Anyway, I already felt embarrassed about the whole situation at work but I decided to ask the people around me what they thought about the kids comments and if I was right to feel the way I did. The overall response was along the lines of ‘You are an adult, and a teacher. It’s unprofessional to let those type of comments get to you.’ Which is true to some extent.. but the it left me feeling embarrassed and regretting I even brought it up with them. I do have a very thin skin due to the severe bullying I went through and I know I need to get a grip in some regard.. it’s just really hard not to be triggered by comments like that, child or not.

    Even now when my boyfriend or someone around me gives me an honest compliment I find it so hard to accept. I feel like I’ve finally begun to embrace myself identity wise. But appearance? That’s the more difficult part.

    Any advice?
    Last edited: Jun 14, 2021
  6. This probably won't help much but I just try to remember how much of a construct appearance is. It doesn't always work, but I also think of moments where some people are going nuts over somebody's appearance and then I hear another group of people call that same person ugly and I think, "It's crazy how subjective this shit can be." I feel like perceptions of looks often have more to do with the baggage brought into my the beholder than the beheld. But I do understand how we can internalize negative things that people say to us about our appearance. I know I have. I could sworn I had heard a girl say I look like a rat in middle school and I often still think about it.

    But honestly, I sometimes get so bothered over society's focus on looks that I just want to be a ball of energy instead. But I also know that one can't avoid comparing their looks to that of others. It's feels impossible.
    Last edited: Jun 14, 2021
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  7. Speaking about my own looks (I made this into a separate post since I didn't want to make @Jawshxx's post about me; so excuse the double post), I'm almost confused about it to the point where I have trouble having an opinion on how I look. Lots of people tell me I'm attractive but I also don't get very much romantic attention at all. So in my darkest moments, I think I'm ugly even though that's not the feedback I've received (though I have gotten a few nasty comments about my appearance).

    And in terms of comparisons, I've gotten everything from Prince to Bob Marley to Johnny Depp to Javier Bardem to Russ (and I don't particularly look like any of these people and they don't look anything like each other. The only one that I really see is Javier Bardem). So I'm like, "What the fuck are you all seeing when you look at me?" I know it sounds a little weird and maybe problematic to express distress over being compared to celebrities that people find good looking, but it does stress me out that my appearance is so confusing. And it doesn't really matter if people think I'm good looking if people want to keep me at such a distance. I want to be loved and accepted and valued, not stared at.

    And honestly, looks shouldn't matter but they do.
    Last edited: Jun 14, 2021
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  8. One of my best friends committed suicide a week ago. We have been friends since 1997.

    He had moved to London from New Zealand and wasn't coping with his depression. He was a sweet, kind, sensitive person who was always so encouraging towards me even when I didn't believe in myself. Always was my number one supporter in my artworks, writing etc...

    I got quite sick and had terrible headaches and nausea for a few days and lost 2.5 kilos.

    This was the last picture I took of him before he left which I called Departure.


    He was also my flatmate twice and so was his girlfriend, who is also one of my best friends. I made this picture when they left for the UK as I didn't want them to go...


    I have kind of gotten over the shock now, but my problem is that I am *not* good with dealing with death. The last two funerals I went to I had to leave as it was too much for me.

    But the thing I find most difficult with is supporting my friend who lost her long term partner. I never know what to say. I never know the right things to say. I'm not great at expressing myself online/emails/etc......I find it much easier when I am hanging person to person. But that isn't easy being on the other side of the world.

    And I always feel really guilty about it because when I am the person that needs support (like when my cats passed) my friends are always there, know how to support me and saying the right things comes naturally to them.
  9. This is so devastating. I've been in this position and supporting is so difficult. You have to do it but it's hard to know if you're not being supportive enough or if you're overstepping with certain comments.

    The most helpful thing I can say is that even little gestures of support are probably appreciated. We feel like we have to say the right things but often being there is enough. We just have to be careful not to say the wrong things, which is pretty difficult in itself but not as difficult in my experience. But even saying the wrong things can be compensated for.

    Also, I know your post is not about your picture, but I think it's very beautiful.
    londonrain and Pink Frost like this.
  10. "Tough love" mental health advice turns me off something fierce. There's nothing wrong with being honest with someone but people really need to learn to keep their "bluntness" in check when dealing with a person who is suffering. Suffering people want comfort. They want kindness because some of them often don't get it. Also, I find that people who dispense tough love have very simplistic views about mental health or about people's situations. Like, "if you just do this, your problems will go away." Or: "This worked for me, so of course it will work for you." People who give "tough love" rarely consider the other person's life experiences. And in general, I don't really vibe with "blunt" people. More often than not, they're just kind of mean. And while that might be a symptom of their own mental health issues, I do tend to avoid those people. They just make my mental health worse.

    I also HATE social skills advice articles. They often imply that some people have to play by a different set of rules. The advice given is often good in a general sense and I have taken some things from these articles, but they kind of imply that lonely people have to be socially perfect to make friends. For instance, the articles might tell people to not get too vulnerable too quick. There is sound reasoning behind this, but the fact is: I know tons of people who commit this social sin repeatedly and still have plenty of close connections. If somebody is committing most of the social sins, then yes, you can probably partially blame that for a lacking social life (honestly though: I know some people who are a complete fucking mess socially and have lots of close friends). But if somebody is just committing a few of the social sins, they should be able to form connections because nobody is even close to being socially perfect. And even if they are making most of the mistakes, those articles should stop fucking overwhelming them by making them feel like they have to correct everything at once. I always come away from those articles realizing I'm doing a few things wrong, but also realizing that my social skills are pretty damn good. There is something else at play here!

    The truth is that some people face more social obstacles for reasons that are not their fault and it just angers me to not see this acknowledged.

    I guess my situation is a bit different than some lonely peoples' in that I do have a good amount of casual friends, but it's very apparent that they really don't care about me much. If I have to fight tooth and nail to even get a small sliver of their time, is that really a friendship? If they don't really want to be around me, is that really a friendship? If they always favor other people over me, is that really a friendship? If they don't support my dreams and creative pursuits, is that really a friendship? There's a kind of distance that I'm kept at that feels devastating and makes me feel there's something horribly wrong with me. This might be problematic and especially feels wrong with my history of getting bullied as a child, but sometimes I want people to just fucking tell me what they don't like about me. I'm tired of feeling confused. One co-worker told me that everybody in the school respects me profoundly and I'm thinking, "Then why am I excluded from things continually?" If there's this person who people supposedly like but don't want to be around and that person has high degrees of difference, especially racially (being ambiguously mixed in my case), that's when the dark "I'm just a spectacle for people and I don't really have personhood" feelings start to develop. It's exhausting to be invisible and hyper-visible at the same time because they both have different demands and struggles and they make shit feel surreal. And I've even played into being people's entertainment sometimes because of a deep void (I've made lots of progress on this front), but I always feel horrible afterwards.

    I REALLY hate when those articles argue that you shouldn't expect reciprocity. They frame this as a way of giving people more control over the situation, but it's bullshit and it teaches people not to respect themselves. No, other people do have to reciprocate. Not expecting it from other people puts you in a situation to be used. Of course you can't expect 100% reciprocation but most lonely people fucking don't. They just want something.

    When I went to a crisis center the other day, the therapist did the most helpful thing I've ever experienced. She expressed outrage about the way people were treating me. No victim blaming, no "just do this," no "you're not alone even though you are!" Just: "Wow, this is fucked up." I needed to hear that so bad. It didn't do anything to solve the problem but it made me feel seen for just a moment. I think therapists are afraid they are going to re-enforce negative thought cycles but we don't need to sugarcoat everything. This doesn't mean that therapists should say that always because there are times when someone's core beliefs are distorting their perception, but for me, it's pretty clear that the people in my life are not treating me right. It's not done out of malice or anything, but there's something that makes them think, "This person is overlookable." And that often does have something to do with race or other types of difference. Mental health work should not always start with the assumption that everybody's intentions are pure.

    I will admit though: I do need some help attracting the right people. Because something I'm doing is attracting the wrong ones. I have recognized some of those things and taken some small steps to fix them, but I'm going to ask my therapist if we can brainstorm.

    Disclaimer: I do have a couple friends who are legitimately good friends and don't play games, but life circumstances make it so that we can't be particularly close and close friendship is really what I need.
    Last edited: Jun 24, 2021
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  11. Today was very bad. I am getting sick of having very bad days in a row.
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  12. I think tomorrow is going to be the day I finally call my GP and just simply say that I need help.

    I have been struggling for months now and I've been masking everything by going out partying all weekend and then being in the pits of absolute depression for the entire week. My sister has been worried sick about me for quite a while and she has been begging me to go and speak to someone, so it's about time I actually listened to her and started my journey towards (hopefully) self-improvement.

    The thoughts of actually calling the doctor up and having to explain everything over the phone (fucking Covid) gives me such major anxiety. I literally have no bigger phobia than speaking to strangers over the phone and especially about something like this. However at this point I really don't have any choice because things aren't improving and I just don't think I can fight this alone anymore.
    goatface3128, LPMA and IEngineered like this.
  13. I feel you on this. Explaining one's mental health is so exhausting. A minor suggestion is to maybe write it down, if you can summon the energy, and just read it out over the phone.
  14. I kind of wish I thought to come here earlier when it was much much worse (like last Spring/Summer), but I'm hoping that reviewing this thread might help in the future. I don't suffer depression, nor has really anyone in my immediate family that I was aware of, so I didn't grow up knowing how to necessarily manage it. But my partner of 12 years had a really bad bout of it last year, and while it's significantly better for a multitude of reasons, I know that he isn't completely out of the woods, and though he has way more good days than bad, I still see him very easily slip into previous feelings or behaviors.

    Hindsight is always 20/20, but a lot of things I felt like I was doing last year to try to help, ease his load, or make things better, I later realized were more likely enabling him to stay in his depression and not really helping the way I hoped. I'm not a therapist, and I know a partner can't be expected to solve everything or have the answers to everything, but I guess my question is: for those of you who have experienced depression while being with a long term partner, were there things that they did that really helped? Or subsequently, were there things you really needed from them but maybe couldn't vocalize at the time? I just don't want to feel ill-equipped when this happens in the future, as I often felt last year (and sometimes this year). Thanks ahead of time for anyone who feels comfortable enough answering. <3
    londonrain likes this.
  15. The way this articulates how I’ve been feeling about a few things recently about my friendships and loneliness hit like a bullet. Gonna take a moment to digest this but I feel a tiny bit seen so thank you.

    The counsellor saying ‘wow thats fucked up’ rather than go out of their way to search for the positive just once is what I feel I need right now. Yes, of course something constructive might be needed more in the long term but having feelings validated rather than what feels like subtly dismissed (though I know that’s not really what it is) feels much more pressing sometimes.
  16. It makes me feel good that that post was helpful. :) Because yeah, often times the things people say about loneliness are even more isolating.
    itylts likes this.
  17. Everything that happened with Britney today has felt like a whirlwind and I feel devastated. Obviously I’m not trying to make her suffering about me but I’m sure you all know what I mean.
    Raichu likes this.
  18. I do. Every time the world shows how incomprehensibly cruel it can be, I slip further into depression. Like, why the fuck isn't anybody helping her? The Courtney Stodden stuff, via resurfaced Chrissy Teigen tweets, gave me a similar feeling.

    Also, I think it's a good thing when people can take on each other's pain. The "not my problem" attitude people have is ugly.
    Last edited: Jun 26, 2021
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  19. Britney's current situation is really affecting me. I can't stop crying thinking about it. I know I can't really do anything about but it's really caused me to spiral latley. I feel like I can't get on with my life until I know she's genuinely safe.
    Jawshxx and brauliocruz like this.
  20. Yesterday during my therapy session, we talked about self-shame (idk if this is the right word for this) and how i basically did and do shame myself for being gay, being an atheist and right now being overweight. I just dont know how to bounce from this to be honest. How can i not shame myself from now?
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