Hope you are seeking the help that you need. Sending you a virtual hug.
Has anyone tried tapering off an antidepressant? I’ve been on one for three years and, after talking to my doctor about it, decided I want to be off of it to establish what my baseline is again. But now, every time I start to feel low, my mind wanders to “Is this because of a life circumstance or because I’ve lowered my dosage?” The essential question I have is: Does anyone have any advice for how to tell the difference? Or can share how they were feeling in the process of tapering?
londonrain
Staff member
I know that feeling very well. Please do speak to someone - I hope you’ve been able to find a Black-affirming therapist! - but my inbox is always open.
I don't think there's a way to tell the difference. The tool you're using to evaluate your psychological state is the very thing that is being targeted by the meds. Same reason I couldn't "think" myself out of the depression originally and the citalopram felt like a goddamn breath of fresh air.
I think all you can do is proceed with the taper plan and keep tabs on your feelings throughout. Once it's out of your system for a few weeks, you will then have to decide what to do next.
I know it's hard. It's a fucking lot to wrangle with in addition to daily adult responsibilities, and there's always this fear I have when I am going through meds adjustments that I'm going to go off the rails before things settle. Just try to keep your support close, and stick to the taper plan verbatim unless your healthcare provider redirects you.
Thank you. The feedback is helpful. I'm glad this thread exists.
And eek--yes, I definitely relate to that. Sometimes when I'm having a problem at work or with a friend and feel especially volatile about it, I have to pull myself back and ask myself if it's warranted or if there's something else going on that's more chemical. Tough to navigate. A doctor will only warn you about flu-like symptoms from tapering or the risk of suicidal thoughts if you don't taper properly, but no one tells you if you're liable to send a nasty email to Brenda in HR over something really silly.
Umm... I've basically decided that I'm going to kill myself at some point soon. I've had enough of being alive. I've been fascinated with the idea of death since I was really young. I used to cut my fingers with scissors just to see what would happen. Anyway, I've had autism and ADHD my whole life and been dealing with sucidal meltdowns for as long I can remember, it's like my body is engulfed by roaring tidal waves and the only way to stop it would be to die. I used music to get me out of them when I was a kid (and that still helps now) and then when I grew up I started self-harming. Punching mirrors and using blades to cut my chest and arms. I found it easy the only thing that actually helped. Until a few years later when I discovered drugs and alcohol. I pretty much became a daily drinker at seventeen; my grandfather was an abusive alcoholic, and my own folks had their own moments with it too. I swore I'd never let myself get like them. And I don't get angry when drunk. I just become looser and more numb. And I just fucking love weed. It's basically the only thing that's still kept me here all these years. I've dabbled in MDMA, coke, LSD, Speed... Liked them all. A bit too much. Pretty sure I've overdosed a few times. Eh. I'm currently asking Vysane for ADHD so can't really do other simulants. Thi at this point what is the point? I've also been diagnosed with some chronic health issues latley (hypertonia and hypermobility) causing stomach flare ups, muscle pain and even osteopetrosis like symptoms. It's too much for me to deal with. Last year I moved to York to undertake a postgraduate course in Playwriting after I got some professional experience with writing for theatre during my "gap year", it's been hell. I hate the creative industries. I just feel so incredibly misunderstood by all the "adults" around me. I feel like I've wasted a load of money and time. But I don't care anymore.
The only reason I've stayed here so long (other than the vaguest sense of hope that it would get better someday; don't have that anymore) is because of my mum. My dad has MS (he also is autistic af and super immature and could be really emotionally abusive to me and my mum when I was a kid; granted I don't remember him ever getting physical) and my mum has basically given up her life to look after him. I can see her slowly dying. Litreally she's having seizures and all this shit. It's horrible. And I know he wouldn't do the same for her. Losing me would probably kill her. And then I know I have to stay but I just don't want to be alive anymore. I want her to be happy. We've talked about it. What she'd do. How she'd feel. It makes me feel so selfish.
Fuck.
The only reason I've stayed here so long (other than the vaguest sense of hope that it would get better someday; don't have that anymore) is because of my mum. My dad has MS (he also is autistic af and super immature and could be really emotionally abusive to me and my mum when I was a kid; granted I don't remember him ever getting physical) and my mum has basically given up her life to look after him. I can see her slowly dying. Litreally she's having seizures and all this shit. It's horrible. And I know he wouldn't do the same for her. Losing me would probably kill her. And then I know I have to stay but I just don't want to be alive anymore. I want her to be happy. We've talked about it. What she'd do. How she'd feel. It makes me feel so selfish.
Fuck.
Last edited:
This is kind of weird so I'll spoiler it as it involves suicide and I'd rather not trigger anyone.
Its a really strange thought that I have everytime I close my eyes whether its to go asleep, or when I first wake up and I don't actually want to get up because I can't be bothered.
Its a really strange thought that I have everytime I close my eyes whether its to go asleep, or when I first wake up and I don't actually want to get up because I can't be bothered.
So basically I just imagine my head being cut off. Like beheaded the tudor way, and guillotine too. Its weird, I do enjoy hisotry etc but I've never had this image in my head before of my own head being cut off. I've had it for a while now and its kind of like I've gotten used to it.
I've been suffering mad depression for the last year or so, and my sleeping pattern is messed up beause I literally don't want to get out of bed most days because I just can't deal with life. When I'm up and keeping myself busy, I'm actually fine so I think things are improving which is good.
I have had thoughts of suicide in the past, and they do come to me sometimes, but I've never had the thoughts so strong that I've really thought about doing something.
I've been suffering mad depression for the last year or so, and my sleeping pattern is messed up beause I literally don't want to get out of bed most days because I just can't deal with life. When I'm up and keeping myself busy, I'm actually fine so I think things are improving which is good.
I have had thoughts of suicide in the past, and they do come to me sometimes, but I've never had the thoughts so strong that I've really thought about doing something.
I was on Wellbutrin from 2020 to mid-2022 and I feel that I got everything out of it that I could. I did feel dependence and wanted to break away. Even now that I'm back in school (my last attempt was a mess coupled with mental health issues), I've discovered how to manage stress, anxiety, etc on my own. It's really hard but I would taper off to being completely off for at least a couple days to see how you feel. The good part is you'll still have the meds if you feel the need to resume and build back up to dose you feel comfortable with. To me, it was basically dabbling in meds at the start to see what worked for me. Trial and error if you will.
I was thinking about this topic just a couple of minutes ago and was kind of surprised seeing it popping up on top, so here I am.
I really don't know where to start but I‘ll try..
Was thinking about writing here for quite a while actually, opening up and sharing what I'm going through but it's harder, than I thought it would be..
I just hit another low point before, it's not the first time but probably the first time this year. Now I finally managed to make my way to the bed, after standing almost an hour in front of the mirror in the bathroom, looking at myself pulling out my hair and feeling absolutely horrible, I'd rather die than anything else.. I've been struggling for years and years and I feel it's getting worse especially in the last few years. Music did help me in the past, it gave me strength and comfort also but like another member said a few posts back I seem to can't even enjoy that at the moment. Trying to have some rest now.. Good night everyone.
I really don't know where to start but I‘ll try..
Was thinking about writing here for quite a while actually, opening up and sharing what I'm going through but it's harder, than I thought it would be..
I just hit another low point before, it's not the first time but probably the first time this year. Now I finally managed to make my way to the bed, after standing almost an hour in front of the mirror in the bathroom, looking at myself pulling out my hair and feeling absolutely horrible, I'd rather die than anything else.. I've been struggling for years and years and I feel it's getting worse especially in the last few years. Music did help me in the past, it gave me strength and comfort also but like another member said a few posts back I seem to can't even enjoy that at the moment. Trying to have some rest now.. Good night everyone.
Last edited:
I wrote half a song this morning (or maybe a third if I do an extended middle eight) but it gave me so much less pleasure than it usually does. It's really beautiful IMO, including the production, but it's definitely the kind of song I write when I'm deep in depression:
They met at the river
The sun shone on their faces
Then they were swimming in formation
Kept afloat by their graces
Always on track because they knew
Their place was here
They knew their place was here
And I just watch from the shore
Feeling desperately alone
All I can think of is a dark baptism
Then maybe I’d be home
I am forever adrift
I can’t get to the center of things
They tell me adrift is the way to be
While crossing their own bridge to the center of things
Forever adrift; I want to be touched
Forever adrift; I want to be seen
I want to make my way to the center of things
I am just so desperate for connection.
They met at the river
The sun shone on their faces
Then they were swimming in formation
Kept afloat by their graces
Always on track because they knew
Their place was here
They knew their place was here
And I just watch from the shore
Feeling desperately alone
All I can think of is a dark baptism
Then maybe I’d be home
I am forever adrift
I can’t get to the center of things
They tell me adrift is the way to be
While crossing their own bridge to the center of things
Forever adrift; I want to be touched
Forever adrift; I want to be seen
I want to make my way to the center of things
I am just so desperate for connection.
He/Him
Thank you! Sorry for the late response. Depression+work has been kicking my ass.
I have that same feeling of being scared that I fucked it up life-wise, especially as I approach my 34th birthday. It feels impossible to reverse a lot of patterns even if I objectively know it's possible. I can't emotionally convince myself that it's possible.
He/Him
Ugh yeah that’s it exactly. Very “if I can tell you what’s wrong with me and the changes I need to make, then nothing is actually wrong”
I have a coping nostalgic thing with music when I'm depressed and trying to daydream for some sort of escapism.
I'll literally immerse myself in songs that take me back to times in my life things were better and actively avoid music from terrible periods which makes it difficult to really invest in new music when I'm in a low period.
Anyway I've kind of been struggling with getting any momentum back to living if that makes sense, I feel like all the mistakes I made in making poor career choices, BPD driven outbursts and being so impulsive have left me with little potential going forward, I just feel like i'm past the point of being able to turn things around as all the effort I put in is for nothing and just cope by daydreaming a different life, i'd give anything to be given a second chance at my twenties.
I'll literally immerse myself in songs that take me back to times in my life things were better and actively avoid music from terrible periods which makes it difficult to really invest in new music when I'm in a low period.
Anyway I've kind of been struggling with getting any momentum back to living if that makes sense, I feel like all the mistakes I made in making poor career choices, BPD driven outbursts and being so impulsive have left me with little potential going forward, I just feel like i'm past the point of being able to turn things around as all the effort I put in is for nothing and just cope by daydreaming a different life, i'd give anything to be given a second chance at my twenties.
I've been thinking more about what I said about pop music and one of the reasons I hate it when I'm depressed is that it rarely talks about loneliness in a way that's relatable. It's always put into a context that's appealing because pop music stays away from the ugliness of real life or at least real life for certain people. And loneliness is almost always talked about in the context of romantic relationships, which is valid but is not relatable for a lot of people. Pop artists will not talk about loneliness in other ways because it won't produce the idealized aesthetic that makes the music sell.
Carly's new album comes to mind. It's called The Loneliest Time and yes, some of the lyrics are about loneliness, but it's all the same standard expressions of loneliness that we always get in pop. And while what she's writing about is her experience and thus is completely valid, I was kind of disappointed at the content because the title made me think I might find something to relate to. Which was kind of stupid on my part because I don't really like bubblegum pop and her lyrics have always been and probably will always be very surface level. I'm just kind of tired of there being a lack of music that explores the kind of soul crushing loneliness that one experiences when it feels impossible to even make friends, much less make a relationship work.
I realize that there can be soul crushing loneliness even in relationships but pop lyrics rarely dig deep enough to excavate that either. Because, as I said, pop rejects too much ugliness.
I confront the ugliness head on in my music, but as a result, people in my life feel uncomfortable listening to it. But I wouldn't feel that way at all. I welcome the discomfort. I'm very tired of the facade everybody puts up, the way it's socially taboo to say anything other than "I'm fine" or "Good" when somebody asks you how you're doing. Pop music is kind of infected with this and when the artists are showing their demons, it's always with more than a dash of glamour and made to look desirable and even kind of fun in some cases. Which would not an inherently bad mode of expression but it gets tiresome when there's nothing more real to balance it out.
My music is more of a lo-fi vibe, but part of me wants to write incredibly catchy and appealing pop songs about autism and make all the pop enthusiasts heads explode. Because people think autism is ugly and they don't want ugliness in their pop. But if they bopped hard enough...Hmmm.
Carly's new album comes to mind. It's called The Loneliest Time and yes, some of the lyrics are about loneliness, but it's all the same standard expressions of loneliness that we always get in pop. And while what she's writing about is her experience and thus is completely valid, I was kind of disappointed at the content because the title made me think I might find something to relate to. Which was kind of stupid on my part because I don't really like bubblegum pop and her lyrics have always been and probably will always be very surface level. I'm just kind of tired of there being a lack of music that explores the kind of soul crushing loneliness that one experiences when it feels impossible to even make friends, much less make a relationship work.
I realize that there can be soul crushing loneliness even in relationships but pop lyrics rarely dig deep enough to excavate that either. Because, as I said, pop rejects too much ugliness.
I confront the ugliness head on in my music, but as a result, people in my life feel uncomfortable listening to it. But I wouldn't feel that way at all. I welcome the discomfort. I'm very tired of the facade everybody puts up, the way it's socially taboo to say anything other than "I'm fine" or "Good" when somebody asks you how you're doing. Pop music is kind of infected with this and when the artists are showing their demons, it's always with more than a dash of glamour and made to look desirable and even kind of fun in some cases. Which would not an inherently bad mode of expression but it gets tiresome when there's nothing more real to balance it out.
My music is more of a lo-fi vibe, but part of me wants to write incredibly catchy and appealing pop songs about autism and make all the pop enthusiasts heads explode. Because people think autism is ugly and they don't want ugliness in their pop. But if they bopped hard enough...Hmmm.
God I resonate. Even though I've checked off all kinds of objective metrics as far as life goals go, and even though I've pretty well overcome what used to be a crippling fear of the outside world, my sense of self is still unstable as ever, and the gravity of the secrets I'm keeping is continuing to grow. Another BPD driven outburst of my own is nigh...
I know what you mean Raichu! CRJ's song and video made me pressed with the visions of that twee Tumblr-y aesthetic that just won't die, and I'm gonna screw up describing this but like... it reminds me of those people at college who seemed to think that "talking about mental health" is about "talking about mental health", because the moment it turns from an abstract issue to actual human behavior and changing the way we engage with and relate to each other, that interest in mental health sure vaporizes pretty quickly.
I actually remember really struggling with that in 2016 too. And I'm sure about 80% of it was my own shit, but I'd come online dying for understanding and connection and it seemed like every resource I read, every community I found, it all seemed... academic. And music was the only thing that cut to the heart of what I was feeling and allowed me to explore that for a time.
I had my first proper breakdown to Madonna's "Mer Girl". I was in a bad way, and something about the motif of "running" with that droning "dial tone" instrumental made me pop in a good way. It led me to actually getting help eventually. But I skip it every time I play Ray of Light now, oop.
he/him
Does anyone struggle with cyclothymia, or know anyone who does? I stumbled upon this condition the other night, while reading an interview with Libianca (singer and composer of current hit People, which I heard first through the Sugababes cover).
It seems to be a milder form of bipolar disorder, featuring mood swings that aren’t quite as intense as type I bipolar, but perhaps more frequent; depression interspersed with (or even mixed with) episodes of hypomania – again, a more controlled mania, but still a disruptive and incontainable joy, which can result in bouts of extroversion, shopping sprees, a sense of grandiosity, distractibility and even increased libido.
I don't want to be projecting in vain, but I felt a bit too exposed reading the symptoms and criteria... I'd really never read anything that fit the bill so well. Since late 2021, I've been dealing with depression through therapy and (not so rigorous) journaling, but I always feel like it's a lack of intelligence or just general inaptitude becoming an adult, failing to keep balance of work, university, a long-term relationship, friendships, and helping out with a local collective.
Most days start off well, my own productivity stimulates me, I'm racing to the top of the world and all the confidence and sociability that comes with it... only to crash soon after. No matter what sort of planning I do, how I adjust my expectations to pace myself, it gets out of control. I'm always working late, getting moody and irritable with everyone, and then the notion of failure just swallows me whole, because I'm never keeping track of my thesis — I'm so drained by the end of the day, when I should be taking up that work. I keep thinking I have undiagnosed ADHD, but then... I feel like perhaps everyone struggles with this sort of stuff, and I'm just acting self-important thinking it's not entirely in my control? I'm even cautious to call my own depression by its name, fearing it really might just be a reach.
I'll wrap this up now, but I feel simultaneously anxious and somewhat illuminated on what's been happening to me? I won't take an online self-diagnosis as panacea, but it'd be a relief to know I could have psychiatric help, and not feel like I'm to blame for every downturn and mood swing. Introspection and reflection have always been key for me — probably in response to all the infant and adolescent years I spent missing true, solid, honest connections (first time I came out to a non-queer friend was only on the last year of secondary school) — but I feel like rationalising everything hasn't helped with this.
Today I had a meltdown with my mom, who's suffered from profound depression but still grumbles every time I'm moodier or less talkative... even though I've been open about how I'm feeling. Perhaps not open enough. She's been supportive of therapy, but approaches it like it'll cure me? "Are you feeling better already?" I know it's not on purpose, and I feel like shit when I snipe back at her — many times it doesn't even feel like it's in my grasp. I think I shouldn't answer like that, and still do it anyway, like I don't have restraint. A lot of tears this morning, but it's likely I'll be scheduling an appointment with a local psychiatrist next week.
Quite the digression, by now I've surely lost the plot... but if anyone is feeling out of control, secluded or helpless right now, I'm sending you the warmest hug.
It seems to be a milder form of bipolar disorder, featuring mood swings that aren’t quite as intense as type I bipolar, but perhaps more frequent; depression interspersed with (or even mixed with) episodes of hypomania – again, a more controlled mania, but still a disruptive and incontainable joy, which can result in bouts of extroversion, shopping sprees, a sense of grandiosity, distractibility and even increased libido.
I don't want to be projecting in vain, but I felt a bit too exposed reading the symptoms and criteria... I'd really never read anything that fit the bill so well. Since late 2021, I've been dealing with depression through therapy and (not so rigorous) journaling, but I always feel like it's a lack of intelligence or just general inaptitude becoming an adult, failing to keep balance of work, university, a long-term relationship, friendships, and helping out with a local collective.
Most days start off well, my own productivity stimulates me, I'm racing to the top of the world and all the confidence and sociability that comes with it... only to crash soon after. No matter what sort of planning I do, how I adjust my expectations to pace myself, it gets out of control. I'm always working late, getting moody and irritable with everyone, and then the notion of failure just swallows me whole, because I'm never keeping track of my thesis — I'm so drained by the end of the day, when I should be taking up that work. I keep thinking I have undiagnosed ADHD, but then... I feel like perhaps everyone struggles with this sort of stuff, and I'm just acting self-important thinking it's not entirely in my control? I'm even cautious to call my own depression by its name, fearing it really might just be a reach.
I'll wrap this up now, but I feel simultaneously anxious and somewhat illuminated on what's been happening to me? I won't take an online self-diagnosis as panacea, but it'd be a relief to know I could have psychiatric help, and not feel like I'm to blame for every downturn and mood swing. Introspection and reflection have always been key for me — probably in response to all the infant and adolescent years I spent missing true, solid, honest connections (first time I came out to a non-queer friend was only on the last year of secondary school) — but I feel like rationalising everything hasn't helped with this.
Today I had a meltdown with my mom, who's suffered from profound depression but still grumbles every time I'm moodier or less talkative... even though I've been open about how I'm feeling. Perhaps not open enough. She's been supportive of therapy, but approaches it like it'll cure me? "Are you feeling better already?" I know it's not on purpose, and I feel like shit when I snipe back at her — many times it doesn't even feel like it's in my grasp. I think I shouldn't answer like that, and still do it anyway, like I don't have restraint. A lot of tears this morning, but it's likely I'll be scheduling an appointment with a local psychiatrist next week.
Quite the digression, by now I've surely lost the plot... but if anyone is feeling out of control, secluded or helpless right now, I'm sending you the warmest hug.