"Rihanna, if you call me "Mama Odie" another time... we can play Russian roulette. And I guarantee you, I will make sure I don't lose."
Post of Patti Appreciation "That wig doesn't know what it wants to be in life. After all this time your hair is still un-American and I don't know why it's refusing citizenship." "You got your hair done and you think you look cute but if I paid you to think, you'd still be broke." "Meet Terms and Conditions - no one reads me!" And let's end with one of the greatest reads of all time. "Like Aretha's kitten heels, I understand pressure, I understand pain - I understand having more on you than you can bear in this life."
The show works best when the words match up to the video, which is does quite often. Mariah: Speaking of mud pies, did you see the BET Honors? Where I was honored? Aretha: ...what the FUCK that gotta do with a mud pie? Aretha's face of bewilderment gets me every single time.
See, this is the kind of thing that makes me wish Patti LaHelle could just, like, write the screenplay of my life, as I'm living it, in the present tense. I could just destroy anyone in my path with ultra-witty, rapid-fire one-liners.
Iyanla: Every woman is your sister. Patti: Says who? I have three sisters. They're not here anymore. It's just me. Mariah: I'm an only child. Beyoncé: Solange was adopted! Iyanla: Excuse me. EVERY SONG YOU CLAIM TO WRITE IS ADOPTED.
Random Dionne lines have been rolling around in my head for days, to the point where her voice practically narrates my inner monologue. You tryna come fuh me gurr? in particular will not release its grip on my mind for some reason.
"Huzzy, please." Talking about the celebrity naked selfie trend: "Bitch, upload a diploma. Upload a degree. Better yet, upload your Billboard stats!" (Extra funny because it's true). "Gurl, please. Your fashions are about as fresh as a meth-whore at sunrise." And Dionne's crowning moment (for me): "I have platinum, gold and silver records. What do you have on your wall? Velcro, cotton and dust?"
"Don't waste your Barbadian breath" just popped into my head out of nowhere and I yelped in the office. Oh my god.
Just sat and rewatched Got 2B Trill for the first time since the release. Can't believe I waited that long. So, so good. Better with distance and time.
"Look I'mma tell y'all an award..that y'all didn't even know that Hateretha had! She set a guinness world rekerdt....for eeting! an entire buffet..in three minutes!"
I realised that I have never watched this completely through (I have seen the first few episodes aswell as bits and pieces). Rectifying this now. I still lose it when Maya Angelou pops up out of nowhere in the first episode. Especially when Aretha interrupts her "Peace Is Hidden in the Heart of the Demon" poem. -- Seems as though I will be reciting a different poem today entitled "Bitch Better Shut Her Mouth" Bitch better shut her mouth By the time I count to three Or I will stick this knife Into thee If she doesn't shut the fuck up She is dumber than I thought More idiotic than a dalmatian without spots Busta Rhymes mode My gun is loaded Aretha's ass is bloated It's hot as hell But she is scolded Her sales sink Instead of floated We all gloated Because her vocals folded Her fat overloaded She looks like a rodent Now the big bitch is roasted Because Maya Angelou is a true poet SCREAM.
Sometimes I'm just going about my day, and then I think about the Whitney and Bobbi segment in Got 2B Trill, and the screenshot of the tweet from Bobbi herself. Done in.
