Well, this is a journey.
Yesterday I went to my doctor for a reference for therapy.
Today I'm wondering if I really need it. Not because I'm feeling that much better but because I've spent a lifetime trying to 'fix my feelings' and maybe I'm already right where I'm supposed to be? Maybe all these emotions need is to be felt without me analysing every bit of them or trying to push them back where they came from?
I've been quite disconnected from my emotions in general (which may be part ASS but possibly also the big disconnect between who I am and who I feel the world wants me to be). Last few years have been pretty much me being poised in the daytime and the anger/sadness coming out at night after a few beers. In a way I actually feel relieved to now be feeling this much sober, possibly feeling the most in touch with 'me' in years?
Also did some soulsearching thanks to some replies plus Walt Odets Out Of The Shadows: Reimagining Gay Men's Lives (not the easiest read but strongly recommended) and came to 2 conclusions:
1. I'm far from as selfaccepting as I though I was. I always thought I was 'out' and that's that but then..
- 7 years ago I worked with a band I admired and when the male members kept making gay jokes (and one asked me if a certain girl wasn't something for me): I said nothing.
- 3 years ago I had a crush on a guy and was still pretty damn scared to tell him in case he'd be straight and the rejection would go far beyond just 'not being interested'.
- in some fucked up way I still consider it a compliment when someone tells me they didn't expect it after I tell them I'm gay. I also still watch the way I move and walk (or hate it when I see videos of myself) although that's sometimes just 'to be safe', but even that's pretty messed up when I think about it.
2. I really could have used a friend back in high school. (and still could)
Sure, I did have some friends, but more than a sweeping romance I could really have used someone who just got me. Where I felt safe enough to be me. I didn't relate to my male friends. I just posed to fit in. Tried to enjoy things I didn't. Always felt like the odd one out or loser because I didn't.
It was a lot better with female friends but still: we weren't going through the same thing or experiencing the exact same thing. And by the time that at 19 I finally got to meet other gay people I was more preoccupied with hoping one of them would be into me than trying to properly connect or reflect on any shared 'trauma'. (To be fair it wouldn't have exactly screamed 'fun at parties' if I had, but in hindsight.. it wouldn't have hurt?) In a way I guess there's also a certain confusing aspect to the people you're attracted to being the ones you have the most in common with because they're potential friends and dating material at the same time, if that makes any sense?
And even in the gayscene the sense of being the outcast, the more introverted one (which might not even be who I'd been if it wasn't for the years before), the one who was too serious about everything never, quite went away.
Fastforward to 2022 where I consider meeting a therapist because I basically don't want to risk rejection by any of my friends because I talk too much about what I'm going through. So much for progress.
Anyway, I guess more even than the love story what got to me in this show is the fact these boys, even with the bullying and everything, have the confidence to be themselves with a bunch of people around them who seem to get and support them for the people they are. Plus they got eachother.
I had a female friend who laughed at me for listening to Steps because 'that's for girls' and a mother who forced me to tell my father because it would be a burden for her to keep it a secret and she wasn't going to do it for me. Perhaps not that odd I'm a little sad right now, huh?
Thusfar my essay about my Heartstopper blues.
Now I'm possibly off to make an edit of the show to Gold Forever, because I haven't cried enough yet.