I Think I'm Gonna Win This Time: The One Direction Discography Rate

Hmmmmmmm.













I really wanted this to beat out one more track from its parent album.















But you all fucked that up, didn't you?













Will the disappointments never end?

​

#36. Wolves [7.042]

High Score: 10 x 5 (@Animalia, @Fever, @eccentricsimply, @thefaceofyou, @Subwaykid)
Low Score: 2 x 1 (@DJHazey)

My Score: 8


R E A L L Y? Do I need to assassinate Hey Angel myself? At this point it's starting to seem like a reasonable idea. I'll take the bullet for all of us and put that Bittersweet Symphony knockoff out of its misery. I would have bumped up my Wolves score if I'd known that Hey Angel had so many stans. Can you stan a knockoff of a knockoff? Is that like knockoff inception?


Before I start talking about why I love Wolves, I just have to share this quote with you. Some of you who are new to 1D may wonder why I drag Liam. I don't have the time to explain why, there's just so much. However, this quote is a great start:

"To me, 'Wolves' is about, you've got this great girl, and it makes me think of being in the club, and loads of guys are trying it on with your girl and you're just like 'No'. I get quite angry in these sort of situations, and yeah it's like a bunch of different guys and you've got a hot girl and people just keep trying it on with her and you're just like 'for goodness sake'. I feel I'm coming for you. So I fight them. Like wolves."

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFff.


I needed that laugh today. Anyways, Wolves is our last bonus track from Men Interrupt Taste And Melody. I think it says miles about the "quality" of the standard version that a bonus track outlasted most of it! Once again I want to walk up to these boys and ask WHAT THE HELL? It's like they lost any sense of reason once Zayn left. Musically, I love this. It's jaunty. I love jaunty. The whoo-oooos are a real highlight. I once read a tumblr post about how the whoooos kinda sound like a wolf pack and I haven't been able to get that imagery out of my mind since. Liam and Harry sound amazing, Niall is good, and Louis doesn't make me want to die. So I'm taking that as a win. Something about this track reminds me of the seventies, which is generally a good thing for me. I also really love the lyrics when I ignore Liam's explanation. This is why you don't watch interviews of your favourite artists folks!


So who's getting a gift certificate to the wolf exhibit at the zoo?


I rather think it's the other way around @DJHazey (2)- "At this point, all I can do is shake my head and wonder what the hell I'm subjecting myself to."





Don't think you're off the hook @VivaForever (3)!





Yeah, I don't feel any more empathy for you @iheartpoptarts (3).





Stop right there @With The Bands (4)!





You will answer to me @Reboot (5.5)...





Really, you couldn't help me boost this over Hey Angel @GhettoPrincess (6)?





SNIFF SNIFF @MollieSwift21 (6)...





I'm sad @A$AP Robbie (6).





Why tho @Rasterax (6)?





@SophiaSophia (6.5) pours salt into an open wound- "I can imagine Zayn's parts again this isn't a pleasant experience for me his vocal tone really was something."





Disappointed in you @constantino (6.5)- "This is kind of fun. The ooos act as nice, light little hooks to keep my morale up at this point in the tracklist. This is cute so I won’t punish them too harshly, but I’d be happier if the album had just ended by this point…just saying…"





You'd think this comment would come with a higher score, wouldn't you @wackseed (6.5)? "This song wins for the most upbeat, peppy, bouncy song to ever be written about wolves coming to eat someone's heart out. Nice work, kids."





Hey @Remorque (6.5)!





Good work @Macsun (8)- "A nice ditty with a great melody. Not fond of the voice filter used"





You betcha @sexercise (8.5)- "Could replace at least 3 album tracks."





I wonder what @First2Run (8.5) thinks of that Liam quote- "That’s a frightening metaphor, but romantic in a way. At first I thought they were referring to themselves as the wolves, going straight for the heart, which would not be ok."





Last word to @eccentricsimply (10), who I hope brings the vengeance! "If Wolves didn't exist I would've given up completely on this album. I don't know why it was put as a deluxe track when it's clearly their best in many aspects."

​

 

HOW THE FUCK DID Y'ALL GOT WOLVES OUT BEFORE PERFECT

WHAT
THE
FUCK
IS
WRONG
WITH
YOU?

 

Only the really horrible scorers got mean wolves. There's a rhyme to my extraness, I swear.

 

Honestly, Hey Angel probably got the "first track this isn't as bad as they said" boost. And Wolves got the fatigue. What a shame because it's such a bop!

 

I wouldn't put it past them.

 

WELL.











I promised an eleven.











I just wish it wasn't this eleven.












I've been wracking my brain all day for a proper eulogy.












I don't know if I can ever find one.














For I am no longer, me the-​

​

#34. Girl Almighty [7.050]

High Score: 11 x 1 (@DJHazey) 10 x 5 (@First2Run, @ohnostalgia, @Posh Spears, @wackseed, @Xanthippe)
Low Score: 1 x 1 (@iheartpoptarts)

I HATE YOU ALL. ​

When I volunteered to save this rate I never imagined Girl Almighty missing the Top 25. It was an impossibility. This song is so well liked across the fandom, I just didn't think hate was possible. What the hell is there to hate about this amazing ode to women? What is there to hate about the wonderfully bonkers production? What is there to hate about some of their greatest vocal performances? What is there to hate about some of their most nonsensical yet brilliant lyrics to date? What is there to hate?

APPARENTLY A LOT.​

Girl Almighty really is a moment. Unlike some bands (COUGH 5SOS COUGH), One Direction continues to sing the praises of their primary audience: teenage girls. I've always felt this song was their gift to those young women who street-teamed the boys into international superstars. Because let's just get this straight- without teenage girls there would be no One Direction. That's just a fact of life. Without teenage girls there wouldn't be a lot of pop artists to be honest. This is a fact that often gets ignored on PJ, to my great dismay. Never underestimate the power of a teenage girl!


God, this song fucking knocks. From the very first guitar riff you're transported into a magical world. There's so much to keep track of I honestly couldn't do it justice, but it all works in perfect harmony. There isn't a single moment of this song that I would change. Some highlights include the alternating buoyant guitar sections, all of the rhythmic hooks, the handclaps, the entirety of the prechorus, that extended toooooooooo, the ooooohs. GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDddd. There's so much loveliness in this song that people just breezed through. Once again, you all paid dust to the boys experimenting and growing. If there wasn't another One Direction song I've devoted my life to, this could've been my 11. That's how much I adore this!

HEAVY SIGH.​

Let's get the hate out of the way before I become completely demoralized.


So what does @iheartpoptarts (1) have to say for herself? "This is a mess. Way too much going on with the production here!" I think you'll need this once I'm done-

[broken image that was clever at the time]​

I'm sure this is easy for a man to say, @Up Down Suite (2)- "I kind of hate this ’this one’s for the girls’ type of song. Next." In your own words: NEXT.

​

My ally is now my enemy! @thefaceofyou (3.5).... watch the weather forecast.

​

@VivaForever (5) gives us all way too much information- "‘I’d get down on my knees for you’ – a@DJHazey tea." I'm not sure which of us this ambulance is for, teeb.

​

What's with this @GhettoPrincess (5), @Reboot, and @Daniel!? Please refer to this picture for how you should look when posting your comments.

​

UGHHHHHHH. THIS IS THE THANKS I GET FOR SAVING A RATE?​

Before my blood pressure rises too quick, let's move on to the more positive commentary.


@sexercise (6.8) gets it half right- "Some parts of this song are straight up terrible but the good parts are kind of worth it."


This is much more seventies, but okay @SophiaSophia (7)- "More 1D cosplaying as an indie band it's alright but that's it."


That's why I love it so @eccentricsimply (7)!- "It's fun but it's all over the place. The lyrics make no sense at all whatsoever."


That's also one of my favourite parts @KAG (8)! "I really like this song. It's upbeat and fun, retro but modern at the same time. Everyone sounds decent. I enjoy the 'I get down, I get down, I get down on my knees for you...' bits the most."


YAS @constantino (9)! "This is fun! As soon as I heard that it was an uptempo track I was overcome with a sense of relief, which I attribute to Made in The A.M.’s latter half, which I can now say has scarred me (I listened to A.M. before this). I like how different and experimental this track is (for them at least), especially in the way it deviates from the standard verse/bridge/chorus repeat formula."

@Rasterax (9)- "Really underrated song, fun and breezy, not at all like latter-day 1D is usually regarded." PREACH.


Before we move on to the highest scores, let me acknowledge my sisters in solidarity: @Macsun (9.5), @Animalia (9), and @Petty Mayonnaise (8.5). I SALUTE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!


I'm sobbing now @Xanthippe (10)- "Never fails to cheer me up!"


@First2Run (10) twists it around- "Boys almighty."


I_CANNOT_USE_REAL_WORDS_PROPERLY_ @Posh Spears (10)- "A 10 on the first listen. I’m so happy Liam and Niall are able to be so open with me about wanting to go down on me."


I know it's customary to let the 11 scorer go last, but I need to have a lady give the final say on this one. So here's commentary from @DJHazey, who I'm sure is darning his funeral garb as I type- "I’ve heard this song a few times and I don’t even think it was during a PJ plug/dubtrack session. How did that happen? Anyway ”let’s have another toast for the girl almighty” is incredible for someone who worships everything about the sex. ”I’ll get down on my knees for you” becomes another obvious highlight, while the retro 70s vibe is killer on this track (very The Clash-esque)."


@wackseed (10). Beautiful, beautiful @wackseed. What strange hell have we landed upon? "Here it is, the pinnacle of girl-worship songs. This is one of the greatest songs ever penned by human hand, because it's completely un-self-conscious about the fact that it's glorifying girls in all their myriad forms. Truly the purest best thing a boy band can ever do."

Hold me, @wackseed!!!!!!!!!!!!!​

 

I feel like I got my revenge, thank you.

 

I JUST DO NOT UNDERSTAND.

 

I'm listening to What A Feeling and I can't help thinking it's such a sensational song.