Insane crushes

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I think it's time I opened up about me a little:

I've been trying to deal with my sexuality for quite a while now and find out what I actually want - I'm pretty 'confused' though I fucking hate that term. I am into girls but my most intense crushes have usually been on (straight) guys. I don't know ( though I have had strong feelings for some females) if I'm just using the girl thing as a cover up coz I don't feel comfortable coming out to my mates and, as part of a Black, Christian family, coming out to my parents really isn't an option ever - I love my mum too much for her to end up disowning me because of that.

Anyway this leads on to the really insane crush. I decided to get Grindr a while back even though I did say that it's sleazy and not a cool way to meet people ( I still do think that for the most part but still). I then met this guy who I've been talking to everyday for over a week. He's an American exchange student that is studying at my uni for his third year - he's smart, humble and seriously attractive (he's not a 'catfish' - im pretty sure of that). I told him that I did have a massive crush on him and he knew that I did, but I was cool with us being mates and talking like mates even though it could get flirty at times. I didn't really realise how much I did like him after about half an hour ago when he told me that he's deleting his profile most likely meaning that I'll never talk to him again.

As fucking stupid as it was I ended up in tears a few minutes later. I couldn't believe that I was in tears over a guy that I had known for only a week but I guess that's how much of an impression he made on me - he was basically what I wanted. So much that I was more than happy to accept that we'll only be mates that talk to each other. I told him how I was feeling after he said he was deleting, and he did feel kinda bad despite me repeatedly telling him not to. I just feel like a fucking idiot for getting teary over someone I haven't even met in person. He's the only person who I don't feel uncomfortable talking about guys with. Sorry for going on about something so ridiculous but I just had to. I've never been in tears over anyone in my life especially someone who I've only talked to for a week - I'm supposed to be a man haha. So there you go - behind all the 'did he lie though?', 'shade' and stanning, that's me.
 
It's completely understandable to be upset about this. Was he not interested in communicating any other way, like Facebook or something?
 
I didn't really ask about that but I think that will come across a bit needy and I don't want it to be that way. He said he may restore the profile but I doubt he would. I didn't know he made such an impression on me for me to be like this. Of all the people that I've crushed over (guy or girl), this is the first time I've actually been in tears. The funny thing is I'm probably totally out his league anyway in terms of attractiveness despite him not being shallow in the slightest.
 
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Aw, Kiefy poo!!

That sounds like a trying situation! I would say that you shouldn't be too hard on yourself for feeling things, or dismiss what you're feeling either, and you shouldn't feel bad for not complying to ridiculous gender roles!!! FUCK HETERO-NORMATIVITY!!!!! Ahem. I imagine it's probably less about the guy himself, and more about what he represents in the grand scheme of things that's got you so upset? You're maybe displacing the frustration you feel towards your situation onto him, which is fine. Confusion isn't necessarily a bad thing; committing to a certain label is only necessary as you make it, I think. Channel Bey, Keke. Channel Bey.
 
I don't think it comes off as too needy. All you would have to say is that you like chatting with him, and you'd like to stay in touch. If he says no, or doesn't respond, that would really suck, but at least you would know where you stand with him and can begin moving on. Has he deleted his profile yet?
 
Keifer, hugs friend!

I echo what the others have said about your feelings being completely natural and understandable. In the future, the line that I have always used to get someone's number/details without coming across as needy over grindr is to say something along the lines of "this is the worst app blah blah blah so I'm never on it - if you want to text me my number is x". It has always worked for me!
 
I don't think it comes off as too needy. All you would have to say is that you like chatting with him, and you'd like to stay in touch. If he says no, or doesn't respond, that would really suck, but at least you would know where you stand with him and can begin moving on. Has he deleted his profile yet?

He said he'll talk to me before he deletes and you're right about asking him - the worst he could do is say no.

And I think you're also right Rommers - he was exactly the guy I wanted to meet on the app. Someone I could talk to comfortably about things and now he's deleting, I feel like I'm gonna lose that and have no one to freely talk to about how I'm feeling.

Thanks Rommers, Jeffo and Christafa.
 
you shouldn't feel bad for not complying to ridiculous gender roles!!! FUCK HETERO-NORMATIVITY!!!!!

I don't mean to nitpick, but it doesn't seem like gender roles are really the issue here. I do agree with your overall sentiment, though! One should not let society define who they are and how they feel. As far as that goes, Keifer, try to not to worry about defining yourself too much and just remain open to new opportunities. You'll eventually get a better understanding of yourself just by living a little.
 
Keifer boo, I wanna hug you so much right now!
I think you might be upset over the fact the he is obviously the first person you've connected to like that, and it's a realisation of an underlying feeling, rather than the actual guy himself. Hopefully he does get back in touch though! I would probably be a bit of a mess too if I ended up feeling really attached and connected to someone like that, then they just disappeared, it's understandable. It's cliched and cheesy but there will honestly be other people that you will be able to open up to and be honest with in the future. It's kinda great that you took the first step even opening up to this guy, so the only way is up right?
 
I don't mean to nitpick, but it doesn't seem like gender roles are really the issue here.

Hah, yeah it's not the issue, it was just in reference to that little aside he made about being teary when he's supposed to be man. The slightest whiff of gender role-ness and Rommers PAWPS AWF!!!
 
Hah, yeah it's not the issue, it was just in reference to that little aside he made about being teary when he's supposed to be man. The slightest whiff of gender role-ness and Rommers PAWPS AWF!!!

I see now. I must've missed that little bit the first time I read it. Paws up, indeed!
 
I HATE STRAIGHT BOYS THAT ARE TOO KIND. I fell in love with one of them for 2 years and it was fucking horrible.

The only thing you can really do is get to know him more, really, I'm sure MTM can give you advice about telephone hacking and you can speak to hitori about lovable ways you can entice him into swimming with you.
 
I HATE STRAIGHT BOYS THAT ARE TOO KIND. I fell in love with one of them for 2 years and it was fucking horrible.

The only thing you can really do is get to know him more, really, I'm sure MTM can give you advice about telephone hacking and you can speak to hitori about lovable ways you can entice him into swimming with you.

Done.

I can completely sympathise with your situations Kiefer and Mr Blonde. Not fun, but I think the more you try to work out those feelings and just be up front with both yourself and your respective crushes, the better it will be. Try to make it clear in your head, it negates some of the "my mind is playing with me" feeling.
 
He said he'll talk to me before he deletes and you're right about asking him - the worst he could do is say no.

And I think you're also right Rommers - he was exactly the guy I wanted to meet on the app. Someone I could talk to comfortably about things and now he's deleting, I feel like I'm gonna lose that and have no one to freely talk to about how I'm feeling.

Thanks Rommers, Jeffo and Christafa.

Give him your number before he deletes his profile.

Be careful about getting too attached too soon though. Remember you met him on Grindr, and whilst he may be lovely, its likely he's lovely to a lot of other people too.
If you're still coming to terms with your sexuality and are looking for something/one to work it out with Grindr and similar things is probably the worst way for you to do so. Its full of the worst kind of gays.
 
Give him your number before he deletes his profile.

Be careful about getting too attached too soon though. Remember you met him on Grindr, and whilst he may be lovely, its likely he's lovely to a lot of other people too.
If you're still coming to terms with your sexuality and are looking for something/one to work it out with Grindr and similar things is probably the worst way for you to do so. Its full of the worst kind of gays.

I'm not so sure about giving him my number. I don't want to feel like I'm forcing myself on him or I absolutely need him around after only one week - he knows I have a massive crush on him so he'd probably think that I'm trying to advance things which I don't want him to think.

At first I installed Grindr just to see what the scene was like though my preconceptions was that it was quite sleazy and full of desperate guys. That was proven mostly but this guy was not even slightly similar to the others. Whereas everyone else was superficial and would fuck anything that walks, this guy just wanted to chat and get to know me even after I showed him a picture of what I looked like. I was , in the back of my head, aware that he's probably nice to everyone on Grindr but I guess that thought was undermined by the strong feelings I have for him.

I sent him a pretty long message about how I was feeling about the whole thing and it doesn't seem like he read it or he feels really awkward. He basically said hi and apologised for not waking up and messaging me (he said he would sleep for a bit and then we'll talk). It wasn't like an instant reply as he was asleep when I sent it so he could have read what I wrote. I feel really bad coz he probably feels like he has to stay on Grindr just so I wouldn't be crushed - it was basically all I could think about in my lecture today. I'm never like this emotionally so it's pretty weird for me.
 
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