LGBTQIA+

[Your Pretty Brains]

I feel like such a bad gay. Flying back home today, checked the apps at the airport out of curiosity. The most beautiful guy I’ve ever seen messages me and wants to hook up before our flights, and I am just crippled with anxiety over that. But here I am, missing out on something it seems like a lot of guys just… do? I don’t know. Even everyone’s stories here are just full of these encounters.

Why am I so lame? I feel like I’m missing out on an integral part of “the gay experience,” and it’s so strange. I know there’s no one way to be gay, and it’s not like sex in an airport bathroom IS being gay, but I hate that I throw away opportunities most guys would jump at. I feel like I’m gonna be old and gray and full of regret over all the dick I missed, but I just freeze up in these situations.

I get it brah. I struggle enough to convince myself to meet up at a guy's house even if we're clearly compatible with each other, so there's no way I'd be brave enough out in the big wide world, in a place that has an airport that isn't just for rich people and their prop jets/crop dusters dd. I try to be reasonable like others have suggested, there's no moral imperative for you to fuck strangers, but I usually get at least a breeze of "oh I'm bad at gaying."

On the other hand, I know in a very real sense I've inevitably avoided some real bad times because of it. The collective trauma we share from the less pleasurable times on the apps!

I mean never say never, right? That's what I try to remind myself of: sometimes (rarely, but sometimes) it kinda just happens with minimal neurotic ruminating, and that's pretty neat.

@bestinase your use of the word "nourish" strikes a chord with me, because it's the same word I've used to describe what I'm missing in my relationships in the past. That kind of nourishment is something I actively seek now, and I try to be smart enough to avoid situations where I feel like I'm being sapped of my inherent sense of that.

Y'all are sweet, as usual in this thread. I really do hope I get to meet some of you one of these days.

 

[cosmicfox]

Is it common to question your sexuality during a period of celibacy? I'd originally called myself bisexual but now I think I'm more greysexual who just calls myself bi bc it's easier to explain and it love the synesthesia I get from bisexual lighting on film.

 

[man.tis.shrimp]

Thanks to everyone for all your interesting comments in response to my last post. I love hearing from everyone, and it is heartening to see others feel similarly to me. Just to clarify, I wasn't speaking specifically about airport bathroom hookups. More my reluctance when it comes to casual sex in general. I was PMing a fellow forum-goer about this, and I'll just quote my own questioning here:

I just end up wondering why I don’t want to go to a bathhouse? Why don’t I wanna bang in a bathroom stall? Why don’t I even just want to meet someone on Grindr for a night of “normal” casual sex? Even the straights do that! All of these things that are apparently so important that gay men have fought and died for our queer god-given-right to be a slut, damn it! And here I am wasting it.

Like @magictreehouse mentioned, sexual liberation seems so entwined with being a gay person and "the culture" that it's impossible not to feel conflicted about my own anxieties. And it sounds so silly, but it's like I'm letting people down--myself and our gay ancestors ha! I think that's why I feel particularly boring in that respect.

Good grief, babes. I am a therapist's wet dream!

 

[LTG]

You’ve got the freedom to do that, if you so wish. There shouldn’t be any compulsion. Liberation is about having the choice. Gays should be free to have a monogamous marriage or to have lots of casual sex, or be single and not have much sex and everything in between.

Making yourself do something you don’t want to do just because you feel you ought to is no liberation.

 

[dontkillmyvibe]

I’ve never had sex with a total stranger and I don’t want to. And honestly everyone I know who does frequent hook ups isn’t even satisfied with them. The bad stories are more common than the good ones.

 

[M3G4N]

Lies I try to tell myself daily:

I’ve never had sex with a total stranger and I don’t want to.

 

[magictreehouse]

Good grief, babes. I am a therapist's wet dream!

Speaking of which, I had therapy for the first time earlier in the year and the most useful thing that I got out of it was learning about the Circles of Influence framework. I'm not a controlling a person but I do like to feel in control of my life. This doesn't really limit me most of the time in that I will just go and do something if I want to but it *does* affect me negatively in some ways. For example, casual sex with a stranger would absolutely be on the far end of the comfort scale for me. Entering a situation and relinquishing control to that extent leads straight to anxiety to me.

 

[Vasilios]

You’re thinking too much if it was meant to happen you’d have done it already.

 

[man.tis.shrimp]

You’re thinking too much if it was meant to happen you’d have done it already.

In reference to what specifically?

 

[Vasilios]

In reference to what specifically?

Everything sex related dd

 

[man.tis.shrimp]

Well that seems fairly defeatist nn

 

[V3RYP05H]

Vas is right though, overthinking doesn’t have a place in sex. Considerations and managing risk are different, but if you know it’s not for you (hooking up), then that’s that.

Overthinking about hooking up is a recipe for failure. It’s just not fun at that point because you’ve psyched yourself out.

 

[lushLuck]

Not me reading all this, wondering where I fall in it all, and then immediately getting hit up by an anonymous hot guy on Sniffies and having him over for some boinking. I love reading @LTG ’s post because it’s true that we should all be able to do as we please without fear of shame or judgement. There is no right or wrong way for one to go about their own sexuality, and sex is such a personal experience that all should be free to pursue it as they please. There really is a stigma within the queer community that we all should have active sex lives, that something must be wrong with us if we don’t, that we should have no sexual inhibitions, but that you also need to tread lightly before you’re considered harmful or sullied. When in reality… we all should be able to do as we please and respect others for whatever they do. I’ve outspokenly been more sexually active in the last few years, something I really needed to find my own sexual confidence for the first time in 35 years. But I also sometimes wonder if I remain so active simply to prove a point to others, or to keep up with sort of expectation in our community, which is unfortunate. I think what’s most important is figuring out what does/doesn’t work for you, and feeling good with that. I’ve been in some dark room situations recently for the first time, and realize the anxiety and insecurity I’m overcome with in those spaces means they just aren’t for me. I’ve learned that I need to feel some attraction to a person in order to have sex with them, and while I may not need a full emotional connection, I need some form of connection before engaging in sex. And that’s me. But things look different for all of us, and that’s fine. So @man.tis.shrimp know that nothing is wrong with you, and don’t feel pressure to engage in anything to appease some deep-rooted expectation. When it feels right, go for it, and if not, don’t worry about it.