Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by Babylon, Aug 15, 2012.
Yes babe ! x
A few meltdowns and speaking it out later, I get his mindset and he’s also acknowledged he should have said something rather than just vanishing.
I’ve never felt a hurt like this in my life, which is really saying something. All I’ve done pretty much for the last two days is lie in bed and cry. My appetite has also been non-existent which... is new for me. And while I’m deeply hurting right now, I also feel incredibly thankful.
I’d have just happily kept on going as we were, but I understand where he’s coming from. He essentially feels we both just need the space right now while we both struggle with different things and somewhere down the line, we could reconnect clear headed and hopefully without a pandemic looming over us. Which I really hope we do, even just on a friendship level.
So basically my heart is shattered but I know he’s decided to call it a day for now with the best intentions and that he obviously does care for me.
And I also need to try and not pin too much on “maybe one day it’ll be like nothing ever happened”, because that wouldn’t be healthy. If it happens, it happens. If not? I’m grateful for having had him in my life.
Don't gaslight yourself thinking like this. He ghosted you. He's an asshole. He doesn't care.
You deserve better.
I know it's hard when you feel such attachment to someone, and they clearly don't reciprocate and instead hurt you, but you really need to try and put yourself first. Shut this person out of your life.
Not only because they seem to bring such misery, and because they have no space for you, but mostly because you clearly deserve better. Try to stop romanticizing them. Whatever their reasons for hurting you are, they do not matter, nor you need to know them. Stay well away from them so you can take care of yourself.
If you have friends to talk to, rely on them, or on your family, and if possible, and you're open to it / able to get it, seek professional help. Your mind and body and are in distress, and you should not go at it alone.
Netflix better make a Christmas movie out of this.
I remember posting here a while ago that I was struggling with rejection and dating / boys. Not that anyone cares, but it's been great to sort of shed that feeling little by little in the past few months and feeling more in control of myself, letting myself enjoy everything else. I've been quite (heavy metal and) reflective lately (it's been a year since I moved to the UK) and I'm very proud of how far I've come in the past year. The feeling does creep up every now and then, but I guess that's everybody. I'm hopeful and looking forward to meeting new people, whenever that happens.
With that in mind, I had a date a handful of weeks ago with someone I was lowkey misjudging from their profiles, thinking we're not going to vibe in any sort of way. I expected to have a meh time but took the opportunity anyway as I was craving a social activity and created 0 expectations. Turns out I had a an absolute blast and we even ended up at his place afterwards. We've been speaking ever since and saw him another time. I reckon he's not looking for much but it was nice to speak about mutual passions and share nice moments together. It felt very honest and chill.
Today officially marks 1 year since I got on stage and did a drag performance to Catch by Allie X, and revealed to a huge audience of strangers, and my drag peers, that i'm HIV+.
I started doing drag 6 years ago as a way to escape our cis/hetero driven world for a few hours. Chicago is "a great place to do drag". There is a lot of variety here, so you're free to do whatever style you want. However, It's also very cliquey. And even though all the popular queens think that it's welcoming and inclusive here, it's really not.
It's also very competition heavy. If you want to get performing regularly here, you need to make the right friends (kiss up to the right people) and compete in as many shows as you can. The competitions here are also very hard. They're multi-week, multi-round, multi-performance/looks, multi-eliminations. It's like Drag Race expectations. There are legit some competitions that are ~11 weeks, every week you have to perform a song, have a separate runway look, and potentially lipsync for your life. It's not fun for everyone, or even financially possible for everyone.
Additionally, my drag tends to be really emotional. I like doing ballads, or moody sadgirl bops. And that just does not get a crowd going, y'know? So I never win. And that's okay because I am performing the kind of songs I want to do. And expressing my emotions in a way that really means something to me. And I look out into the audience and I feel a connection with people who feel the same way. That doesn't get me a room of laughter for doing something funny or screaming from doing a death drop, but it means something to me. And I always get people coming to me after to tell me they loved my performances or whatever.
So, 9 years ago I was diagnosed with HIV. I was living with family, who opened my mail without my permission and found out. I tried to educate them but they were very ignorant. They told my other family members so that they could pray for me and also decide if they want to allow their children near me. And that was a really disgusting way of being treated. Plus I was an hour and a half from Chicago so going to drag shows or getting to do them was a rare occurance and my family hated me going out at night. Eventually I moved out, was still doing drag from an hour and a half away. Until 2 years ago I finally moved to the city. And I thought that maybe now that I live here and can be at shows more, more people would have a chance to get to know me and want to be my friend. Unfortunately that just wasn't the case.
I've really struggled with dating and making friends. It's hard to open up to people - I think my family kind of traumatized me from really wanting to be open with people because of how hard they betrayed my trust. As well as the guy who gave me HIV, who gave it to me knowing he had it. Sooo being comfortable enough to talk to people about it and tell people I have it has been a long road. And one day I decided I wanted to do this specific performance where I reveal to everyone I have it, and that was my goal in my head and a whole year after I finally got to the final round in a huge competition and felt like it was the right time to share this.
And afterwards, out of the final 5 performers, I didn't get placed in the top 3. And that's fine, for the reasons I said before about doing emotional performances and not making enough networking friends. But at the very least I thought all these queens who were in the audience, 20+ of them who had either won the competition in the past or competed in it, I just thought that maybe any of them would want to talk to me or maybe consider include me in their shows - as going to competitions is how hosts find other performers to book. But no one said anything to me or offered their support to me. And that kind of hurt me, and it still does. And I was considering not doing drag shows after this, but now drag shows don't exist outside of online shows (That I am also not getting asked to be apart of) anyways. So, here we are.
I mostly just posted this to vent and also because I know a lot of you are far more supportive than the people in my scene here who would probably only want to be my friend if I had something to offer them. I know I have a lot to be proud of, and I know what other people think of me doesn't matter. But that doesn't mean it doesn't suck to not feel included.
I know it sucks, but your life and journey has been tough, and this is barely a bump it sounds like. Also going on stage and doing drag is automatic queen/king shit - regardless if you placed in the Top 3 or not. Be proud of yourself, and love yourself.
Thank you. Yeah.
I think it's just difficult because the whole "Just do your art regardless of if anyone is watching" mentality can't apply forever because the only way to do drag is to have a place to do it at, and the only way to get invited to perform is for people to see it and like it... Or slave away over competitions.
It's unfortunate there isn't just stage for everyone to just do what they want to do.
Although, In June all the black queens in town called out how the way the structure of our scene mostly benefits white performers. So, although I am white, I think some changes to how people are welcomed will end up helping everyone... There just won't be in person shows for probably another year so who knows what will happen in that time.
I am also a poet for the last 15 years, and I want to get into Spoken Word poetry. My goal for 2020 (that is now my goal for...whenever) is to go to do a spoken word poetry night... But in drag. I feel like I can impress the spoken word crowd with my emotions and my drag more than the queens at drag shows. And maybe that'll be a better place for me.
Drag it's like.... Very fake advantageous friendships. Like if you can offer queens photoshoots or wig stylings or sew stuff for them or book them in your show, everyone is suddenly your friend. If you've got nothing to offer them, they ignore you. It's toxic and no one talks about it because most of them benefit from each other.
Long story that's a mix between a rant I need to get off my chest, and a request for advice.
So I told this story in the last round of PJ00s about the first guy I ever hooked up with, and how I recently slept with him again, which means he's back in my life. The thing is, we had tried dating back then (we met in September 2018) and it just didn't work for me. Basically, he's in an open relationship with his wife, and while I respect and understand that, I just...couldn't commit to someone who was taken. And besides that, things were moving way too fast emotionally for me to feel comfortable. I mean, he basically told me he loved me like the third time we hung out. Now, I can admit I'm someone who can catch some kind of feelings fast, but not that fast. And I was already having reservations about him at that point. So I broke things off, moved on, etc. We had some contact again in late May last year, but I was sort of seeing someone at the time, and after I mentioned it to him, we didn't really talk again. Fast forward to about March of this year when I decided to contact him again, because I was feeling lonely and horny. He doesn't actually seem to remember this, which is low-key understandable since this year has been crazy, but I basically started talking to him about hanging out again - even as just friends - and he was interested. When I mentioned the whole "wife" thing, I told him it might make me feel better if I could meet her as well - thinking that if we're supposed to be friends, I should meet her right? He was pretty adamant that I didn't have to and he wanted to keep us separate. Then COVID happened and I was going through some shit with school, and realized any kind of relationship wouldn't have been healthy for me and I should focus on myself. So that's what I did, and he told me he didn't want to deal with my back and forth anymore, and we stopped talking. Then 2 weeks ago, he messaged me on Snapchat wanting to reconnect...again. Even though he said he was done. So, I humored him, and I was horny so we had sex. Which was...okay. Part of me kinda just wanted it to be over by the time we got to the actual ummm....penetration, but I was enjoying myself up to that point. But anyway, a couple days after this, he asked if he could me his, and I told him that something about not wanting to be in a relationship, but I think I said with him specifically, and we agreed we'd be friends with benefits. We had sex again last week and it was better then time before.
But to be honest, I'm not even sure he's in an open relationship with his wife. I mean, he really doesn't want me to meet jer, or ever have me at his house or anything, but he also can only meet with me when she's at work. It's possible I've watched too many shows, but that screams "cheating" to me. There's also the fact I'm pretty sure he hasn't even come out to his wife (I'm the first guy had had ever done anything with), or anyone for that matter, which is not really a big deal because that obviously takes time, especially when you've believed and others did that you were straight for so long. That I can understand but I also can't help feeling like he doesn't seem to struggle with it. There doesn't seem to be any guilt or shame or fear from him when it comes to me. I could be overthinking it but I'm an insecure person who overthinks everything so I can't help it. I also just kinda feel like his side bitch. It always seems to be about the sex with him. He told me as much anyways, basically assuming that every time we hang out, we're going to end up fucking, because he's obsessed with my "sweet ass" or whatever. And we never talk about anything else. He says we're friends, but we never act like it. I can't help feeling like, since we met, he's always said what he thinks I want to hear, and what he thinks will get him laid. And honestly, it worked the first time we met...until he said he loved me. That was too much. I could be wrong, but I guess I just wanted to see what y'all thought.
Oh and he constantly does this thing where he's self-deprecating - usually calls himself ugly - to which I automatically feel the need to disprove it. And I think he knows that, and he uses it. Because that's only when we're texting. When we're together, he's a big bucket of confidence.
I told him that if I met someone, I'd end the sex with him, and he said he knows but would still wanna be friends. But he asn't actually shown any friendship towards me. The thing is though, I am interested in someone. We've been talking and sexting for months now, and he's really sweet and kind and cute and sexy and he makes me feel good. We just haven't done anything outside of talking and sexting cause he's extremely busy with work and schoo; right now, and I respect that. But I know we're gonna meet up, and I think it'll be soon, and I think we'll be more. But I'm terrified to actually ask if there's anything for him besides being really attracted to each other and having a lot of fun. I hate trying to have that conversation.
I also don't know how to tell the guy that there's someone that I really like and want to focus on, because I we reconnected so recently, and I just know he's gonna go off again, even though he said he would understand. I know what I want to do and I'm just scared to do it. I really had to get all this off my chest though. Thanks.
Regardless of what’s happening with the new guy, this guy is obvious trash. If it were all genuinely above board he’d be able to talk to you about it and consider your feelings more rather than just fobbing you off.
See I know you're right and I have known this but I couldn't do anything until I posted that.
Just told him I don't think we can do anything this weekend.
I was going to say the same thing @londonrain said. You need to leave this man alone, your doubts about him are all reasonable and you deserve better. If you're horny just masturbate and you'll likely to not want to meet up with him after that anyway.
Thanks. The thing is...masturbating is what I've been doing. And it works. All the time. I think me saying yes was a) hoping I was wrong and b) my problem I have where I don't know how to say no/turn someone down.
He took it surprsingly well. And said he wants to stay friends and talk. I said if he wanted to, but I don't think it's the best idea.
Follow up: when I mentioned we don't ever talk about anything besides sex, he said we do, and when I asked what, he changed the subject saying if I don't wanna talk he understands. It went better then I thought it would.
Think I might have that conversation with the other guy too...
The guy from tinder: Virgin? FF?
Me: Ummmmm lol no not virgin and not into fisting tbh...
Him: I meant virgin fitness and Fitness First
This is an interesting thread.
Definitely tradespeople and pushchairs
Something to live by girls, really! Love yourself!
Exchanging nude portfolios with my closeted friend whilst hes building ventilators for the NHS. We love and stand with our front line workers
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