Sobriety / Recovery / Making Life Manageable

Sam

he/they
Went out for dinner last night and ended up having a few drinks. I’m not mad or disappointed at myself, I’d done 3 weeks booze free at that point and I managed to keep it super chill and not binge. I was drinking water towards the end of the night and was home in bed with a chicken salad wrap by 2am (which is early for me). I’m actually super pleased with how it went, I managed to have fun and let go a little bit, got to hear Padam and Tattoo in a club setting (in quick succession!!!!) and I wasn’t a total fucking idiot or spend loads of money. It’s just proof that my relationship with alcohol really is changing for the better which is what I wanted to achieve in the first place. I had to be up at 8 to get back to my hometown for a tattoo appointment at 10 which is the only bummer, but I was out the house by 8:20 and walked into the city to get the bus there, which is the most remarkable difference in the whole thing for me. In the past I’d have woken up at the last possible second and gotten an Uber to wherever I needed to be.

I think I’ll be taking another 3 or 4 week break from drinking, it definitely seems to work for me. I’ve been so healthy the past 3 weeks what I’m very keen to keep it up.
 
Went out for dinner last night and ended up having a few drinks. I’m not mad or disappointed at myself, I’d done 3 weeks booze free at that point and I managed to keep it super chill and not binge. I was drinking water towards the end of the night and was home in bed with a chicken salad wrap by 2am (which is early for me). I’m actually super pleased with how it went, I managed to have fun and let go a little bit, got to hear Padam and Tattoo in a club setting (in quick succession!!!!) and I wasn’t a total fucking idiot or spend loads of money. It’s just proof that my relationship with alcohol really is changing for the better which is what I wanted to achieve in the first place. I had to be up at 8 to get back to my hometown for a tattoo appointment at 10 which is the only bummer, but I was out the house by 8:20 and walked into the city to get the bus there, which is the most remarkable difference in the whole thing for me. In the past I’d have woken up at the last possible second and gotten an Uber to wherever I needed to be.

I think I’ll be taking another 3 or 4 week break from drinking, it definitely seems to work for me. I’ve been so healthy the past 3 weeks what I’m very keen to keep it up.

Well done! This is where I've been at lately, the past few times I've gone out for lunch I've had a few drinks and gotten tipsy but I've known when to call it and head home instead of waking up worried about who I'd offended and trying to piece the day/night together because I can't remember.

Usually when I say I'm "going out for lunch" it means I'm out from around 1pm until the pub closes and possibly even ending up at a club ddd

I've always gone through phases of "being good" but they usually only last a couple of weeks, this time feels different. I used to genuinely struggle to not enter a pub on weekends, now I've stopped doing it every weekend when I do go it's a nice treat and I'm not stuck in that dreadful rut of being drunk/hungover every single weekend.

My relationship with alcohol is definitely changing for the better and it sounds like it is for you too.

Good luck!
 
He/they
I was never a regular drinker, but when I did it was almost always to excess. Because of that I didn’t really see my drinking as a problem, even though I hated the anxiety hit of a hangover and there are a few times where I absolutely have no idea what I got up to when I was drunk.
I started considering sobriety around 6 years ago and decided to give both Veganuary and Dry January a try. 5.5 years later I’m still vegan and sober.
I’ve found it pretty easy to keep myself sober, especially with the range of alcohol free drinks available. The only downside I’ve really found is I have a much lower tolerable around drunk people than I used to!
 
I'm going to the pub on Saturday and I'm considering driving and just having a couple of pints with lunch.

I just find it wild that I'm even considering having a couple and then going home rather than making it a full day of binge drinking. A couple of years ago that thought would have been absolutely inconceivable to me, I wouldn't have even thought about it.

Instead of being excited to get drunk like normal I'm sort of thinking "well will the hangover be worth it", "if I'm not a dickhead I'll save money and I can buy _____" etc. It's weird, and I've just realised I've not been properly off my tits since April which is a lifetime for me ddd.
 
he/him/basic cishomo
I'm going to the pub on Saturday and I'm considering driving and just having a couple of pints with lunch.

I just find it wild that I'm even considering having a couple and then going home rather than making it a full day of binge drinking. A couple of years ago that thought would have been absolutely inconceivable to me, I wouldn't have even thought about it.

Instead of being excited to get drunk like normal I'm sort of thinking "well will the hangover be worth it", "if I'm not a dickhead I'll save money and I can buy _____" etc. It's weird, and I've just realised I've not been properly off my tits since April which is a lifetime for me ddd.
Queen shit!!! It's so important to engage in that conversation with yourself because God knows it ain't painless to go off the deep end now.
 
For what's it worth, I've managed to avoid edibles since my last post. I used them partially to chill out an extremely intense personality that I'm sometimes ashamed of and makes me feel like my brain is always on fire. But they were really negatively impacting my life in exchange for the hour or so of peace I got before the high went in a bad direction.
 
There's lot of tennis tournaments at the clubs near me, so I watch a few games from friends and always people are drinking a lot and offering me beers (it's from those "pitchers" / big jugs to share). I would take one and that leading to more... Cut to me having 6 beers and going home at 1 in the morning while having to work next day, which turns out horrible. At first, it was hard to refuse and people kept bugging me like why are you being boring? And then it started with one and having way more...

Now I just say I don't drink during the week days - unless a special occasion – but I've never 'made one' yet (perhaps a graduation or celebration thing). So! Proud of myself and glad I keep doing it this way.

I'm also listening to a podcast which has all the negatives from alcohol and that is kinda motivating me to drink less? I'm now not going for drunk or a buzz but just for the nicety of it all. But life is so centred around it, during dinner; at any sport club, at nightlife. So much. I never go to get beer at concerts cuz it's a scam and don't wanna miss anything! Ha.
 
he/him/basic cishomo
It’s hard to admit but I’m drinking about 10 bottles of wine a week and it’s terrible but also the only thing keeping me from calling apart? But also turns me into a right cunt. Life is tough.
God, been there. At that level you are absolutely going to get health problems sooner than later. That's unfortunately approaching "you might start going into withdrawals if you stop" territory too. And I don't say that as like a "tut tut" thing, it's more a "hey I didn't know that I was going to start hearing shit and shaking convulsively when I first honestly tried stopping either." And I certainly don't want to overstep but I give a lot of shits about this thing. You simply can't go that hard and stay healthy in the medium-term. But it FUCKING SUCKS and I know.

What I can tell you is that it'll get worse. Eventually the bottles of wine won't give you anything positive except the absence of cognition. The kii's stop, the drunk musings stop, the connectedness with others stops. The relief stops. Even the endless nights of bopping alone stopped for me. It doesn't have to if you can scale it back. But I've had to admit to myself that that is not going to happen.

It became a completely different beast for me in 2020. It draws me back in with memories of how it used to be, how it used to make life pop and make me know deep down that I was enough. It very clearly is just numby poison now.

You ever looked into naltrexone? I understand it's the medical literature's best practice for intervention in overdrinking. I can't take it because I'm addicted to kratom, but I would if I could. It makes people want to stop after one drink. Wild shit.
 
It’s hard to admit but I’m drinking about 10 bottles of wine a week and it’s terrible but also the only thing keeping me from calling apart? But also turns me into a right cunt. Life is tough.
I know it seems like it's keeping you going but it's actually just creating a vicious cycle and once you break it you realise you never needed it. The long term depressive effects of alcohol sneak up on you and aren't immediately apparent.
 
It’s hard to admit but I’m drinking about 10 bottles of wine a week and it’s terrible but also the only thing keeping me from calling apart? But also turns me into a right cunt. Life is tough.

Isn't it wild how wine does this? Compared to when I drink other types of alcohol I can be such an arsehole on wine.

I know it seems like it's keeping you going but it's actually just creating a vicious cycle and once you break it you realise you never needed it. The long term depressive effects of alcohol sneak up on you and aren't immediately apparent.

This. In 2021 I remember thinking it was keeping me going but looking back I remember how dreadful the hangovers were - I'd regularly start thinking thoughts like "what's my purpose", "I hate my life" and other really destructive thoughts. I really did hate who I was and what my life was like. Then I'd drink again just to get rid of the thoughts and it truly is so easy to get into that vicious cycle. One minute you're drinking and having a laugh with friends and it's funny that you're going out so much/a bit of a joke - the next it's not even fun anymore and you're just doing it to keep afloat.

@1986 I know that life can be difficult and it took me nearly ten years to even look at my unhealthy drinking habits so I get it, but please try to look into cutting down and finding other ways of coping. You'll probably find that when drinking less it will feel a lot easier to tackle some other issues in your life. Everything felt impossible when I was drinking nearly everyday, it's so much easier to deal with issues with a clear head. Life is also so much better, I've realised there's so much out there I never even noticed/appreciated when I was in the vicious drunk/hungover/repeat cycle. You can always PM me if you need someone to chat to!
 
Thanks for the responses, I literally typed that out last night while drunk and I always regret saying stuff like this on the internet like it’s out there, or I’m trying to seek attention or pity and I think I just needed to say it out loud.

I haven’t had a drink today so that’s a win(e) I just need to stop turning to it when life gets hard.

@MusicLover1994 yes wine is a beast.
 
he/him/basic cishomo
Thanks for the responses, I literally typed that out last night while drunk and I always regret saying stuff like this on the internet like it’s out there, or I’m trying to seek attention or pity and I think I just needed to say it out loud.

I haven’t had a drink today so that’s a win(e) I just need to stop turning to it when life gets hard.

@MusicLover1994 yes wine is a beast.
Godddddd I know this damn feeling. It's a trip because when you're drunk, it feels very clearly like you are just being yourself, things are just looser. And for me personally I can't honestly say that alcohol is "bad" full stop because, I shit you not, it was the thing that helped me adjust into adulthood after a horrifying freshman year at college where all my mental health demons just flourished and took me by complete surprise. It felt therapeutic in the face of everything.

Honestly if it weren't for the fact that it stopped being so wonderful during the drunkenness, I'd not have been able to stop. Just a matter of staying stopped now, for me.

Re what @Mikl C and @MusicLover1994 said above, it's so damn true that it just turns into this cycle. And it seriously felt totally fine for years, but those invasive self-hating thoughts, panicked guilt (sometimes over nothing), once that shit starts it accelerates. For sure.
 
I think more me, where I live is pretty rural and I’ve lost touch with most friends and my confidence is rock bottom, so having that drink at 7pm and just relaxing and fading out, without it I find it hard to concentrate on anything like watching a film/tv show so it’s this cycle.

I haven’t drunk now in 2 days and I feel fine and waking up feeling not groggy is a beautiful feeling. Apart from anxiety I’m not having any withdrawals thankfully.

So my plan is to try and go 28 days sober and assess how I feel to try and reset my brain. I think because the last 18 months I’ve literally fucked myself over by adding two traumatic events to my life and currently on the verge of a third one I have no idea how I’ll cope without it, I used to smoke and that was my coping mechanism but I just vape now.

I’ve never been that into drugs just the odd bit of weed now and again plus they’ve never done that much more me alcohol was always my poison of choice. I think in the UK we have such an unhealthy relationship with it and it was ingrained in me from a teenager that you need it to have fun/good night wether that was out in a pub, park or your mates house.
 
I went out to dinner with friends on Wednesday and it was lovely seeing them again, the vibe was a bit off because we were at a big round table and we felt very distant. There was alcohol included and for the first time I decided to drink during a weekday again, because we celebrated a birthday. Nothing too much, and I don't feel bad about it.
But yesterday (Thursday), I just took a non-alcoholic beer again after my work-out to celebrate the tough class and was happy with it again.

Booking a gym class for Thursday night makes me go non-alcoholic during drinks, if we have them, at work on Thursday afternoon. So that's a good thing for me.
 
I think more me, where I live is pretty rural and I’ve lost touch with most friends and my confidence is rock bottom, so having that drink at 7pm and just relaxing and fading out, without it I find it hard to concentrate on anything like watching a film/tv show so it’s this cycle.

I haven’t drunk now in 2 days and I feel fine and waking up feeling not groggy is a beautiful feeling. Apart from anxiety I’m not having any withdrawals thankfully.

So my plan is to try and go 28 days sober and assess how I feel to try and reset my brain. I think because the last 18 months I’ve literally fucked myself over by adding two traumatic events to my life and currently on the verge of a third one I have no idea how I’ll cope without it, I used to smoke and that was my coping mechanism but I just vape now.

I’ve never been that into drugs just the odd bit of weed now and again plus they’ve never done that much more me alcohol was always my poison of choice. I think in the UK we have such an unhealthy relationship with it and it was ingrained in me from a teenager that you need it to have fun/good night wether that was out in a pub, park or your mates house.
Just wanted to put in a plug for reaching out to a medical professional about your abstinence goals. They can be sure that you go off booze in a safe way. Hugs.
 

Mvnl

Staff member
Just wanted to put in a plug for reaching out to a medical professional about your abstinence goals. They can be sure that you go off booze in a safe way. Hugs.
Yeah I did that too.
Went to my GP just to be sure I went about it in a safe way (because I'd previously had nights where I felt 'I could just go to bed without a drink now' but in those moments wondered if my body would even be okay with that).
I think I build it off like one beer less every other night which I will say quite quickly made me just wanna get to the 'fully sober' part because making yourself drink 5/3/2 beers knowing you'll have to stop after those.. well is about as good as ripping open a bag of chips, taking 2 chips, and putting it away.
In the end I don't think I had any major physical withdrawal symptoms but having someone to discuss it with every week or so was nice (even if it was mostly me saying 'yup, still going strong'. But I came there on my own initiative and made sure it didn't become about her telling me what to do/not do. Cause that was never going to help me)

Unrelated: this week has yearly summer festivities in my city, and just yesterday when going to my supermarket I basically saw piles of beer and other drinks in every single corner and considering how I usually don't even consider the alcy isle anymore this really felt like someone shouting 'DRINK ALREADY' in my face. I was not amused.
Also with festivities probably being pretty audible in my house every night at times I'm used to sleep.. well let's just say I'm already ready for this week to be over.
Maybe one day I'll actually enjoy the huge masses of loud drunk people again (I doubt it) but where I initially felt like I shouldn't avoid anything/should be doing everything exactly like I used to, just sober, I'm now very fine with knowing a setting I'm not comfortable in sober that will pretty much tempt me everywhere I look is a place I'm perfectly fine avoiding.
 
TW: mentions of hard drugs, s*cide attempts, abuse.

I... think I'm in serious trouble. The last six months have been an absolute rollercoaster. I've been having really intense mood swings and there's been like three traumatic events all on top of each other. I take Vvyanse for ADHD & I'm really not sure if it's helping or not but I'm terrified of coming off it since it's basically the only tools I have to help with my ADHD which is getting worse. I've also been drinking on it. I know it's bad but I just feel like I need something to take the edge off.

I came home earlier this week (after a Ketamine binge at uni which I'm not going to lie I really enjoyed, a bit too much) and things here are bad. My mum basically had a nervous breakdown over the stress of being a full time carer for my dad who has MS which has got to the point where he literally can't do anything for himself. Additionally this house never really safe to me due to my grandparents unstable and often, violent relationship. I literally watched my grandmother die here and I see that image everytime I'm here. My parents just want me to "get over" it like it's not a big deal? Maybe it is and I'm just being dramatic but still, I just don't like the house at all because of all the shit has happened in it. So... I go to the only place in town that feels safe to me, the pub.

I've been there basically every night since I've got here and blacked out each time. People just buy me drinks and I pound them back like there's no tomorrow. I ended up doing a bunch of cocaine too. I read a study recently that said people with ADHD will subconsciously put themselves in life or death situations when under pressure as the chemicals released in the brain in those situations give us what we need in order to process what's happening to us.

One of my best friends in York (where I go to uni) also attempted to take their own life yesterday, failed and then called me basically saying goodbye as they were about to do it again. I talked them out of it but they said point blank they'll probably try and do it again at some point soon. I thought about calling campus security/the police to check on them but they're a black non-binary person (who is probably having a physcotic episode) so I can't imagine that going well. I've also had thoughts of doing the same thing, I didn't abuse anything harder than weed on my medication for such a long time but I kinda thought "fuck it" and took everything offered to me. I should probably have ended up in hospital or worse. I'm surprised I haven't.

So naturally after that day, last night I got more drunk than I ever have. I took two of my Vyvasne this morning too, I don't even know why I did it but I did. Fucking fuckery fuck. I'm fucked.

I don't even want to drink anymore but it's like the only way I can escape the shitstorm of my life/mind.

Help.

PS. Sorry if this is too heavy or triggering. Just needed to get this off my chest.
 
TW: mentions of hard drugs, s*cide attempts, abuse.

I... think I'm in serious trouble. The last six months have been an absolute rollercoaster. I've been having really intense mood swings and there's been like three traumatic events all on top of each other. I take Vvyanse for ADHD & I'm really not sure if it's helping or not but I'm terrified of coming off it since it's basically the only tools I have to help with my ADHD which is getting worse. I've also been drinking on it. I know it's bad but I just feel like I need something to take the edge off.

I came home earlier this week (after a Ketamine binge at uni which I'm not going to lie I really enjoyed, a bit too much) and things here are bad. My mum basically had a nervous breakdown over the stress of being a full time carer for my dad who has MS which has got to the point where he literally can't do anything for himself. Additionally this house never really safe to me due to my grandparents unstable and often, violent relationship. I literally watched my grandmother die here and I see that image everytime I'm here. My parents just want me to "get over" it like it's not a big deal? Maybe it is and I'm just being dramatic but still, I just don't like the house at all because of all the shit has happened in it. So... I go to the only place in town that feels safe to me, the pub.

I've been there basically every night since I've got here and blacked out each time. People just buy me drinks and I pound them back like there's no tomorrow. I ended up doing a bunch of cocaine too. I read a study recently that said people with ADHD will subconsciously put themselves in life or death situations when under pressure as the chemicals released in the brain in those situations give us what we need in order to process what's happening to us.

One of my best friends in York (where I go to uni) also attempted to take their own life yesterday, failed and then called me basically saying goodbye as they were about to do it again. I talked them out of it but they said point blank they'll probably try and do it again at some point soon. I thought about calling campus security/the police to check on them but they're a black non-binary person (who is probably having a physcotic episode) so I can't imagine that going well. I've also had thoughts of doing the same thing, I didn't abuse anything harder than weed on my medication for such a long time but I kinda thought "fuck it" and took everything offered to me. I should probably have ended up in hospital or worse. I'm surprised I haven't.

So naturally after that day, last night I got more drunk than I ever have. I took two of my Vyvasne this morning too, I don't even know why I did it but I did. Fucking fuckery fuck. I'm fucked.

I don't even want to drink anymore but it's like the only way I can escape the shitstorm of my life/mind.

Help.

PS. Sorry if this is too heavy or triggering. Just needed to get this off my chest.
Honestly I can’t offer much advice because I’m a mess but maybe if it’s possible to go somewhere else if you can other than the pub or your family home?

Honestly you aren’t being dramatic, it sounds like a traumatic event and it effects different people in different ways.

I’m trying to take small steps, I haven’t had a drink in 3 days, I need to get back on my meds but small steps. So don’t beat yourself up, you’re trying your best and that’s all you can do. What I keep telling myself is you are worth being alive, safe, happy, sober and loved by yourself.

Sorry I can’t offer much else but if you ever want to talk message anytime. There’s a few other people in this thread have given me great advice and I think it’s nice to have somewhere to talk about these issues specifically.
 
TW: mentions of hard drugs, s*cide attempts, abuse.

I... think I'm in serious trouble. The last six months have been an absolute rollercoaster. I've been having really intense mood swings and there's been like three traumatic events all on top of each other. I take Vvyanse for ADHD & I'm really not sure if it's helping or not but I'm terrified of coming off it since it's basically the only tools I have to help with my ADHD which is getting worse. I've also been drinking on it. I know it's bad but I just feel like I need something to take the edge off.

I came home earlier this week (after a Ketamine binge at uni which I'm not going to lie I really enjoyed, a bit too much) and things here are bad. My mum basically had a nervous breakdown over the stress of being a full time carer for my dad who has MS which has got to the point where he literally can't do anything for himself. Additionally this house never really safe to me due to my grandparents unstable and often, violent relationship. I literally watched my grandmother die here and I see that image everytime I'm here. My parents just want me to "get over" it like it's not a big deal? Maybe it is and I'm just being dramatic but still, I just don't like the house at all because of all the shit has happened in it. So... I go to the only place in town that feels safe to me, the pub.

I've been there basically every night since I've got here and blacked out each time. People just buy me drinks and I pound them back like there's no tomorrow. I ended up doing a bunch of cocaine too. I read a study recently that said people with ADHD will subconsciously put themselves in life or death situations when under pressure as the chemicals released in the brain in those situations give us what we need in order to process what's happening to us.

One of my best friends in York (where I go to uni) also attempted to take their own life yesterday, failed and then called me basically saying goodbye as they were about to do it again. I talked them out of it but they said point blank they'll probably try and do it again at some point soon. I thought about calling campus security/the police to check on them but they're a black non-binary person (who is probably having a physcotic episode) so I can't imagine that going well. I've also had thoughts of doing the same thing, I didn't abuse anything harder than weed on my medication for such a long time but I kinda thought "fuck it" and took everything offered to me. I should probably have ended up in hospital or worse. I'm surprised I haven't.

So naturally after that day, last night I got more drunk than I ever have. I took two of my Vyvasne this morning too, I don't even know why I did it but I did. Fucking fuckery fuck. I'm fucked.

I don't even want to drink anymore but it's like the only way I can escape the shitstorm of my life/mind.

Help.

PS. Sorry if this is too heavy or triggering. Just needed to get this off my chest.
Sending SO much love, first of all. You can get through this, I promise.

Seeing your grandmother die is absolutely traumatic, and not something anyone can just will themselves to get over. Have compassion for yourself — you have been through a lot. Even if the only thing was your friend’s attempt yesterday, that would be a ton to handle, let alone the rest. Be kind to yourself. To the extent you can offer yourself a huge hug, do it.

It sounds like you need support from someone you trust ASAP. Is there anyone you can reach out to? How about your GP or a crisis text line (Text SHOUT to 85258)?

I hear you that you feel like you’re fucked, but I know you can pull through. Even though we don’t know each other, I care about you and want you to see the other side of this. I know you can.

Huge digital hugs.
 

Top