Sobriety / Recovery / Making Life Manageable

he/him/basic cishomo
I'll catch up with y'all in more detail but I successfully got back on the Antabuse and thankfully it let me go pretty easily this time. But @Mikl C I know you're right about how it can get downright dangerous, and from what I understand this continual "stop drinking for 1-2 months then go on a bender for a few days" thing I've been doing for a long time is a really good way to worsen dependency and bring about hell. Every time I relapse it's because I want to go out with people, and then I just end up getting drunk at home and never actually make it happen so.

Point being I'm very relieved to physically not be able to drink again, and I need to remember why. Hugs.
 
Well... things on my end have somehow got worse.

I left York after I realised I was really being manipulated by someone I thought was a freind (who I only let into my life because of drugs). I came back to my home village & was doing pretty well until I decided to come off my meds. I went into withdrawal and smoked a LOT of pot to offset this. A couple of blackout pub nights. I haven't been in a few weeks though because I've just had absolutely no energy at all.

I definitely want to switch medications since the Vvyanse is really increasing my delusions and sucidal thoughts. My DR is on holiday (of course she is) so I'm waiting for her to come back so I can basically unload this all on her. She's actually listened to me before which is a rarity, so I'm hopeful there's something that can be done.

I've been drinking like an absolute hound these past few days. Like, a bottle of gin a night. I think a lot of it is accepting that I have ADHD and Autism and live in an oppressive society and I'll be fighting for pretty much the rest of my life. It sucks. I'm 23 and already feel like I've lived a very full on life and don't want to carry on. I often feel like I'm cursed.

I basically just want to run away. I also do WANT to stop drinking but I don't know if I physically CAN at this point.

A glimmer of hope is that I passed my MA. I went to a writing group the other day and somebody told me I had a "brilliant mind" and made me promise to keep writing. I sometimes think I use writing as another way of getting high. It gives me such an adrenaline rush and it geiunaly feels like I'm out of my body and gives me the most amazing high. I don't know where this comes from but I'm terrified that if I do any more drugs it'll go away and then I'll litreally have nothing. So I guess that's a good enough reason to stop?

I think things will pick up again soon. I'm a strong person and I honestly feel ashamed for getting myself into such a state. Like; it's honestly embarrassing. I feel like I need someone to come and tell me to get my shit together and actually hold me accountable. But I also know that's unlikely to happen and I'll have to be my own Oprah to my Lindsay. Ugh. Why is everything so exhausting?

There isn't even a point to this rambling but basically I feel like it's now or never.

And there is also a part of me who thinks "fuck it" and wants to spiral even HARDER. I read a thing that said people with ADHD in crisis get addicted to the chemicals released while in danger and self destructing. The funniest thing about all this is I literally wrote a play about this exact state of mind in March and was like "where is this coming from?" - I guess I have my answer now.
 
he/him/basic cishomo
Well... things on my end have somehow got worse.

I left York after I realised I was really being manipulated by someone I thought was a freind (who I only let into my life because of drugs). I came back to my home village & was doing pretty well until I decided to come off my meds. I went into withdrawal and smoked a LOT of pot to offset this. A couple of blackout pub nights. I haven't been in a few weeks though because I've just had absolutely no energy at all.

I definitely want to switch medications since the Vvyanse is really increasing my delusions and sucidal thoughts. My DR is on holiday (of course she is) so I'm waiting for her to come back so I can basically unload this all on her. She's actually listened to me before which is a rarity, so I'm hopeful there's something that can be done.

I've been drinking like an absolute hound these past few days. Like, a bottle of gin a night. I think a lot of it is accepting that I have ADHD and Autism and live in an oppressive society and I'll be fighting for pretty much the rest of my life. It sucks. I'm 23 and already feel like I've lived a very full on life and don't want to carry on. I often feel like I'm cursed.

I basically just want to run away. I also do WANT to stop drinking but I don't know if I physically CAN at this point.

A glimmer of hope is that I passed my MA. I went to a writing group the other day and somebody told me I had a "brilliant mind" and made me promise to keep writing. I sometimes think I use writing as another way of getting high. It gives me such an adrenaline rush and it geiunaly feels like I'm out of my body and gives me the most amazing high. I don't know where this comes from but I'm terrified that if I do any more drugs it'll go away and then I'll litreally have nothing. So I guess that's a good enough reason to stop?

I think things will pick up again soon. I'm a strong person and I honestly feel ashamed for getting myself into such a state. Like; it's honestly embarrassing. I feel like I need someone to come and tell me to get my shit together and actually hold me accountable. But I also know that's unlikely to happen and I'll have to be my own Oprah to my Lindsay. Ugh. Why is everything so exhausting?

There isn't even a point to this rambling but basically I feel like it's now or never.

And there is also a part of me who thinks "fuck it" and wants to spiral even HARDER. I read a thing that said people with ADHD in crisis get addicted to the chemicals released while in danger and self destructing. The funniest thing about all this is I literally wrote a play about this exact state of mind in March and was like "where is this coming from?" - I guess I have my answer now.
Holy shit you're only 23? You sound wisened as hell. Thanks for taking the time to share yourself.

A bottle of gin a night is going to kill you: if you're talking a fifth, that is. Not to be deliberately sensationalist but it absolutely will. So you absolutely have to cut that down. If we're talking a pint, that's still not good but is an order of magnitude of improvement.

I don't know how long you've been drinking or how much you typically consume. Do you drink in the mornings? Once I started doing that because the hangovers started becoming withdrawals, shit really started to suck. And the destruction of any kind of psychological stability every shaky morning... ugh. It exacerbates my problems and demands so much from me every time I try drinking again. It's such a pain in the ass substance.

I have a proper shame complex so I really empathize with you on feeling embarrassed by how much you depend on alcohol. Do you have people in your own life you can talk to? Being able to say what you're going through out loud without reservation, being vulnerable, that's been the only way I've had any modicum of success.

Have you looked into naltrexone therapy? From what I can see it's the medical literature's most effective treatment. Still not very well-known by your typical doctor in the States, but I'd encourage you to learn about it if you haven't already.
 
Holy shit you're only 23? You sound wisened as hell. Thanks for taking the time to share yourself.

A bottle of gin a night is going to kill you: if you're talking a fifth, that is. Not to be deliberately sensationalist but it absolutely will. So you absolutely have to cut that down. If we're talking a pint, that's still not good but is an order of magnitude of improvement.

I don't know how long you've been drinking or how much you typically consume. Do you drink in the mornings? Once I started doing that because the hangovers started becoming withdrawals, shit really started to suck. And the destruction of any kind of psychological stability every shaky morning... ugh. It exacerbates my problems and demands so much from me every time I try drinking again. It's such a pain in the ass substance.

I have a proper shame complex so I really empathize with you on feeling embarrassed by how much you depend on alcohol. Do you have people in your own life you can talk to? Being able to say what you're going through out loud without reservation, being vulnerable, that's been the only way I've had any modicum of success.

Have you looked into naltrexone therapy? From what I can see it's the medical literature's most effective treatment. Still not very well-known by your typical doctor in the States, but I'd encourage you to learn about it if you haven't already.
Yeah; thank you for saying I sound wise! I don't often think that so it's comforting to hear. I've really cut back on the drinking since I posted this. I didn't really drink much during the week, and last night I had a bottle of wine and literally a couple of gins with my mum.

My alcohol consumption really spiraled when I was at uni. I was kinda seeing someone who drank a lot and we would always end up getting really wasted, like, every night. Then when he wasn't there I'd just spiral and end up either doing it alone or finding any kind of event going on. It did get super rough for a while. Then the most recent binge was just like a combination of everything. I guess I'm glad it's out my system now? I don't feel the urge to get so drunk I can hardly stand up anymore and the hangovers were BRUTAL. I'm not quite sure if I've ever gone into withdrawal but I've definitely drank while still violently hungover before. Also with Vyanse it can actually kinda mask hangover symptoms, at least for a while, so I would take that and then "function" the best I could until it wore off and I would start drinking again. That cycle was a real low now I look back.

I'm basically just taking it day by day at this point. I haven't really been going out and when I have I've been able to stop myself before I get too messy. I've also been smoking a lot of weed but I really think that's the least of my issues right now ddd.

Anyway, thanks for the advice and love and support, I really do appreciate it. I love this thread. I hope you're doing the best you can.
 
I took some of those "wellness" shroom capsules today as an experiment after I read they were a good replacement for meds while I'm in this drought & it was a terrifying experience and has low-key put me off ever doing drugs of any kind ever again.
 
he/him/basic cishomo
I took some of those "wellness" shroom capsules today as an experiment after I read they were a good replacement for meds while I'm in this drought & it was a terrifying experience and has low-key put me off ever doing drugs of any kind ever again.
Fuck! This is why I don't think I'll ever try psychedelics: weed brought me to my knees in terror a few times. Can't even imagine. But I'm glad you're okay, at least by the sounds of things. It's moments like that that help us learn who we want to be.

I relapsed on the ol' hooch. It was bad. And it scared me a bit more this time because I was starting to think things like, "Oh my gosh that bottle of wine for breakfast is really helping my anxiety." Just ended up wasting the day and it sucks. Of course I had a wonderful time last night, but that deep unease I get as soon as I wake up the following morning is bad. Currently nursing what seems to be a relatively tame hangover now. Went to get my Antabuse refill too so I can take that to get off the ride. Just gotta stay sober for another 6 hours before I can take it. Hoo boy!

Stay safe guys and queens. Love yaselves.
 
Fuck! This is why I don't think I'll ever try psychedelics: weed brought me to my knees in terror a few times. Can't even imagine. But I'm glad you're okay, at least by the sounds of things. It's moments like that that help us learn who we want to be.

I relapsed on the ol' hooch. It was bad. And it scared me a bit more this time because I was starting to think things like, "Oh my gosh that bottle of wine for breakfast is really helping my anxiety." Just ended up wasting the day and it sucks. Of course I had a wonderful time last night, but that deep unease I get as soon as I wake up the following morning is bad. Currently nursing what seems to be a relatively tame hangover now. Went to get my Antabuse refill too so I can take that to get off the ride. Just gotta stay sober for another 6 hours before I can take it. Hoo boy!

Stay safe guys and queens. Love yaselves.
Yeah it was a ride. Things are actually looking up a little for me, I've been speaking to an alcohol support worker & she's been a great help. I just got back from seeing her now. I told her my plan for my PhD and she got really excited. She did also warn me it would be a shit ton of work & impossible to do while constantly drunk. I said that's kinda why I was doing it. I spoke about executive dysfunction & how I used alcohol to almost "cure" it (even though I now realise I was just... day drinking and not even getting anything done). She told me the urge to drink usually goes away 20 minutes after doing something else which I found interesting and had never really thought about before.

Sorry to hear about the relapse, it is extremely hard especially at this time of the year, the beer fear is REAL. The amount of times I've injured myself or done something so beyond the realm of embarrassing and only had vague horrible flashbacks to it the next day is unreal. I think I'm bored of being in those situations now. I hope you're feeling as okay you can be. Hang in there. Remember it's just a slip up and not the end of the world, and don't punish yourself for it. As hard as that is.
 
he/him/basic cishomo
Yeah it was a ride. Things are actually looking up a little for me, I've been speaking to an alcohol support worker & she's been a great help. I just got back from seeing her now. I told her my plan for my PhD and she got really excited. She did also warn me it would be a shit ton of work & impossible to do while constantly drunk. I said that's kinda why I was doing it. I spoke about executive dysfunction & how I used alcohol to almost "cure" it (even though I now realise I was just... day drinking and not even getting anything done). She told me the urge to drink usually goes away 20 minutes after doing something else which I found interesting and had never really thought about before.

Sorry to hear about the relapse, it is extremely hard especially at this time of the year, the beer fear is REAL. The amount of times I've injured myself or done something so beyond the realm of embarrassing and only had vague horrible flashbacks to it the next day is unreal. I think I'm bored of being in those situations now. I hope you're feeling as okay you can be. Hang in there. Remember it's just a slip up and not the end of the world, and don't punish yourself for it. As hard as that is.
I'm way proud of you for going after that PhD. I know exactly what you mean about alcohol curing executive dysfunction! It's a laugh because there ain't no way in hell it improved a single thing about my work, but it is so good at making me think it's helping. And then it reveals its true colors when it's 12pm and the room is spinning.

Really had to talk myself through this morning to not have the first drink. That instant relief is difficult to pass up, but I know I'll be grateful I didn't do it for multiple reasons. Antabuse in the bloodstream now.
 
he/him/basic cishomo
Got off kratom. Withdrawals were basically nothing after a year of continuous heavy use. I'll take the W. My eyes look great, too.

Will be glad when my stools solidify again but the RLS and anxiety only lasted a few days and were manageable.

Still been a largely wasted weekend but hey. So now the only thing I'm doing is THC, and I'm hoping to get off it too with professional help because:

1. I absolutely have developed a fear of not having a chemical to change my feelings.

2. It's not even fun anymore. The whole point of weed is that trippy headspace but it's been a long time since I've been able to get there. Meh.
 
I plan on quitting weed in the new year. As a chronic smoker (read: daily; wake and bake) for 3 years, any tips appreciated.
I was a wake and baker for 10 years if not more - I’ve quit for almost 18 months now.
Some tips - Reddit has a community (leaves) which is helpful but through it you can find the leaves discord which has twice daily chats which are super supportive and got me through the first weeks, if not months.
- accept that you’re going to feel crappy for a while and plan accordingly, make sure you have some comforting food at home, warm drinks, and perhaps even some magnesium and melatonin to help you sleep.
- be very clear with yourself about your reasons for quitting, as withdrawals hit they’ll be useful to have on hand. I wrote mine down and stuck them to a wall, as well as writing everything I’d be gaining by quitting.
- tell people you trust that you’re quitting so you can have some support and accountability
- throw everything away - stash, tobacco, papers, pipe, everything. Delete your dealers numbers and tell everyone you smoke with not to give you any.
- do things to raise your endorphins. Exercise is a great one, sweat out the weed and get your blood pumping - it really does help.

Be kind with yourself and take each moment at a time. Remind yourself when you’re finding it difficult that this is only temporary and won’t last, and remember that the addicted mine has all sorts of tricks to try and get what it wants.
 
My friends are all trying a dry January, some even for a second time. Has anyone ever done one? I have my birthday coming up then too and a few parties… Wonder if they will be fine without (hint; they will be) but don’t want to do it to not keep it going for a full month. Also the having to talk about it all the time.. Hmm.

I am on my way finishing off most alcohol in my house and can’t wait to return 6 crates of empty beer bottles for the cash!
 
he/him
My friends are all trying a dry January, some even for a second time. Has anyone ever done one? I have my birthday coming up then too and a few parties… Wonder if they will be fine without (hint; they will be) but don’t want to do it to not keep it going for a full month. Also the having to talk about it all the time.. Hmm.

I am on my way finishing off most alcohol in my house and can’t wait to return 6 crates of empty beer bottles for the cash!
I’ve done it before and I’m doing it again this year. It’s a good way to start the year imo and helps you save a good bit of money
 
he/him/basic cishomo
My friends are all trying a dry January, some even for a second time. Has anyone ever done one? I have my birthday coming up then too and a few parties… Wonder if they will be fine without (hint; they will be) but don’t want to do it to not keep it going for a full month. Also the having to talk about it all the time.. Hmm.

I am on my way finishing off most alcohol in my house and can’t wait to return 6 crates of empty beer bottles for the cash!
I'll join ya. I'm definitely someone who should never be drinking ever again but it really does help to compartmentalize it into chunks of time. It's always a good idea to take a breather regardless of your consumption level. Good way to start the year, for sure.
 
he/him/basic cishomo
I'm going to have a dry year. I need to reassess my relationship with drinking and take it super slow if I want to start up again. Looking forward to not losing my keys/wallet/phone, saying/doing dumb shit, and not feeling like an anxious mess the day(s) after. My body doesn't recover like it used to!
I promise you it's worth it. Don't know how old you are/how long you've been at it, but shit started accelerating downward for me at 25, and by 28 I lost the "functional" part of the alcoholism. And it all happened without me realizing it. I just realized one day that I was having the spins at 10am on a Tuesday, yanno?

Your last part, the anxious mess part, is what really gets fucky if you don't scale back. It gets sinister and is the thing that makes you reach for a bedside beer.

Don't start drinking in the mornings. That's the biggest thing to stop yourself from going to the next level. Take your time and give yourself the space to figure out where alcohol should fit in your own life story. I'd encourage you to really pay attention to what it feels like, too. It's so different from what it was at 21 now. Akin to seeing the man behind the curtain.
 
Hi everyone - I’ve been reading some of the posts in this thread and thought I’d share my experiences with recovery/sobriety in case it’s useful for anyone else. Apologies in advance for the lengthy post!

So, I’d struggled with some addictive behaviours for many years and found my way into a 12 step programme in 2015. I’d known for a long time that I had a problem, but was a little put off by reference to God in the steps. Nevertheless, when I went to my first meeting I knew I was in the right place - I identified with every person who shared and came away feeling I wasn't alone.

I asked for a sponsor and started working with someone very hardline who would shout at me if I told him I’d not been working the programme/done something that was against his recommendation. I grew up in an environment like this and it wasn't helpful, but when I flagged it with other fellows, the message I heard back was basically ‘He’s your sponsor, you do what he says.’

I didn’t question this and persevered (partly because I was too proud to walk away!) I ended up working through the steps with him over the course of a year and felt like I'd hit a milestone with step five. In hindsight, I feel like I was staying sober from a place of fear at that time, but I felt the benefits of recovery. I had more time to do things I enjoyed, felt more comfortable in my own skin and my life - which I hadn’t realised was unmanageable - was manageable once again.

When my sponsor relapsed, I found another sponsor who was a lot more laid back. I stayed sober for a few years, but I think I became complacent because I relapsed in 2018. Which I didn’t admit to anyone because I felt like I’d been sober too long to have been struggling (which I know now is nonsense - it’s all just for today after all).

I really struggled over lockdown and slipped several times. I finally admitted this to my sponsor in January 2022. Strangely, he’d also relapsed that same weekend and we parted ways. I soon ended up with another sponsor who was very supportive and I felt I could be more honest with.

My mum died very suddenly and unexpectedly in her mid-seventies in September 2022 and the wheels really came off my recovery. I was very resentful towards my homegroup for what felt like a lack of support at a difficult time. I was engaging in my problematic behaviours and sharing about this at meetings, but didn’t really have any desire to stop. Hearing people talk about recovery felt like another language and I felt very isolated and frustrated. This carried on for several months during which my nan - my mum’s mum - died in her mid-nineties, my sister and I prepared our mum’s house for sale, I changed jobs and returned to part-time study.

It was only a month ago - while in therapy - that I decided to leave the homegroup and take a step away from the 12 step programme as a whole. Instead I’m focusing on therapy, exploring the roots of my problems and reading/listening to more around addiction.

I realise now that I became disillusioned with the 12 steps and their interpretation by some fellows over the last couple of years. Several people would encourage me not to share my struggles in the meetings (‘Share the message at the meeting and your struggles with your sponsor’ was one of the slogans I heard) and a lot of the language started to feel dogmatic and unhelpful. I also found it alarming how many sponsors had their issues around control and were exercising this over vulnerable sponsees, to the point that some people were being told to stop therapy and even medication.

I’m still in touch with some fellows who have been supportive of my decision, and I’m trying to be more open and honest about my stuff with friends, which is also helpful. I may return to 12 step meetings in future, but I'm pleased to have stepped away for a while to better understand myself outside of that framework. If and when I return, it will be because I choose to, rather than because I feel I have to or should (I'm a people-pleaser by nature).

I’m feeling in a good place right now after a few months in therapy and I’m hopeful for a happy, healthy 2024.

Edit: If anyone feels comfortable, I'd be interested in hearing others' experience with the 12 steps here or in private message.
 
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he/him/basic cishomo
Hi everyone - I’ve been reading some of the posts in this thread and thought I’d share my experiences with recovery/sobriety in case it’s useful for anyone else. Apologies in advance for the lengthy post!

So, I’d struggled with some addictive behaviours for many years and found my way into a 12 step programme in 2015. I’d known for a long time that I had a problem, but was a little put off by reference to God in the steps. Nevertheless, when I went to my first meeting I knew I was in the right place - I identified with every person who shared and came away feeling I wasn't alone.

I asked for a sponsor and started working with someone very hardline who would shout at me if I told him I’d not been working the programme/done something that was against his recommendation. I grew up in an environment like this and it wasn't helpful, but when I flagged it with other fellows, the message I heard back was basically ‘He’s your sponsor, you do what he says.’

I didn’t question this and persevered (partly because I was too proud to walk away!) I ended up working through the steps with him over the course of a year and felt like I'd hit a milestone with step five. In hindsight, I feel like I was staying sober from a place of fear at that time, but I felt the benefits of recovery. I had more time to do things I enjoyed, felt more comfortable in my own skin and my life - which I hadn’t realised was unmanageable - was manageable once again.

When my sponsor relapsed, I found another sponsor who was a lot more laid back. I stayed sober for a few years, but I think I became complacent because I relapsed in 2018. Which I didn’t admit to anyone because I felt like I’d been sober too long to have been struggling (which I know now is nonsense - it’s all just for today after all).

I really struggled over lockdown and slipped several times. I finally admitted this to my sponsor in January 2022. Strangely, he’d also relapsed that same weekend and we parted ways. I soon ended up with another sponsor who was very supportive and I felt I could be more honest with.

My mum died very suddenly and unexpectedly in her mid-seventies in September 2022 and the wheels really came off my recovery. I was very resentful towards my homegroup for what felt like a lack of support at a difficult time. I was engaging in my problematic behaviours and sharing about this at meetings, but didn’t really have any desire to stop. Hearing people talk about recovery felt like another language and I felt very isolated and frustrated. This carried on for several months during which my nan - my mum’s mum - died in her mid-nineties, my sister and I prepared our mum’s house for sale, I changed jobs and returned to part-time study.

It was only a month ago - while in therapy - that I decided to leave the homegroup and take a step away from the 12 step programme as a whole. Instead I’m focusing on therapy, exploring the roots of my problems and reading/listening to more around addiction.

I realise now that I became disillusioned with the 12 steps and their interpretation by some fellows over the last couple of years. Several people would encourage me not to share my struggles in the meetings (‘Share the message at the meeting and your struggles with your sponsor’ was one of the slogans I heard) and a lot of the language started to feel dogmatic and unhelpful. I also found it alarming how many sponsors had their issues around control and were exercising this over vulnerable sponsees, to the point that some people were being told to stop therapy and even medication.

I’m still in touch with some fellows who have been supportive of my decision, and I’m trying to be more open and honest about my stuff with friends, which is also helpful. I may return to 12 step meetings in future, but I'm pleased to have stepped away for a while to better understand myself outside of that framework. If and when I return, it will be because I choose to, rather than because I feel I have to or should (I'm a people-pleaser by nature).

I’m feeling in a good place right now after a few months in therapy and I’m hopeful for a happy, healthy 2024.
I promise I'll get you a more thorough reply later, but I just want to say that you and I have shockingly similar timelines. I entered recovery in 2015 and lost a parent at 71 years of age last October. With relapses of varying shapes and sizes in between.

Your experience with 12-step groups is so damn aligned with mine, too. I still can't quite reconcile it. I felt in my bones the importance of the key principles, but the repetition and exploitability of the model made my Mormon past flash before my eyes. But I'm grateful for it, on balance. I'm gonna start going at least for a while again, I think. Been too long, so it'll maybe feel novel again.
 
I promise I'll get you a more thorough reply later, but I just want to say that you and I have shockingly similar timelines. I entered recovery in 2015 and lost a parent at 71 years of age last October. With relapses of varying shapes and sizes in between.

Your experience with 12-step groups is so damn aligned with mine, too. I still can't quite reconcile it. I felt in my bones the importance of the key principles, but the repetition and exploitability of the model made my Mormon past flash before my eyes. But I'm grateful for it, on balance. I'm gonna start going at least for a while again, I think. Been too long, so it'll maybe feel novel again.
Thanks for sharing and I wish you all the best with your recovery journey, whichever path you take.

The newness of it all definitely kept me coming back, and maybe I'll get there again if and when I return. I know many people say that newcomers are the lifeblood that keep it fresh for them, but more recently I felt like a fraud talking to newcomers when I wasn't really 'working the programme' myself. In fact, that's probably why I stopped going to meetings at all - because when I shared I felt I was undermining what could be really helpful for someone else. It got to a point that the meetings/certain outreach were more a cause of stress than anything else. Which obviously isn't good!
 
I didn't know weather to post this in here or on Depression or ADHD but here goes... So an update on my end is that things are looking up a little. I finally got back on the correct dose of my ADHD medication and it's making a world of difference. I feel like I can actually think clearly for the first time since literally October. I've been sleeping a lot... and generally not really doing very much of anything. I'm trying not to beat myself up over it and tell myself it's okay to rest. I've been drinking a lot less; when I went into withdrawal from my meds I was suicidal and borderline in phychosis. I felt myself literally lose grip. It was terrifying. I was drinking a lot during that time because it made me feel "normal". Which I understand now is bad but then I literally didn't have the strength/capacity to say no to myself. I feel like I've regained that now.

Anyway, now I feel better and ready to take on the world again. The only thing is I'm about to get really busy, I'm going to a theatre festival next weekend where a play I wrote is being performed which is really exciting, then two weeks later I'm going back to York to graduate, I'm really hesitant about going back there because of all that happend there and the downright mess it ended in, but I'm mostly going to make my mum happy.

I'm also in between these two trips supposed to be going on a trip to Ireland because during the withdrawal episode an old freind asked me if I wanted to move to Dublin and in my manic state I said yes, even though I've now decided I don't want to go, and moving countries right now is just going to send me into a tailspin. I think I need to work at home in my little village to save money and focus on my writing and getting better for the foreseeable before I decide where to go next. I'm supposed to be going with another old freind who was also involved in this plan, but who I've now learned has a similar opinion on it to me. The plan we booked is insane and now I'm wondering if it's worth going; we're not even going to Dublin on this trip just to stay with him and his parents for a few days. I also know they both drink a lot and I don't really like being around them when we're sober and while I'm not trying to stop drinking completely I think being around two people who bring out my worst impulses for four days in the middle of Irish countryside is not the best idea.

It's a tough one because we're going essentially to let him down in person, and I feel I owe him an explanation but given I have my theatre festival and graduation in between I'm not sure if it's too much or not. Help.
 
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