Sobriety / Recovery / Making Life Manageable

he/him/basic cishomo
I didn't know weather to post this in here or on Depression or ADHD but here goes... So an update on my end is that things are looking up a little. I finally got back on the correct dose of my ADHD medication and it's making a world of difference. I feel like I can actually think clearly for the first time since literally October. I've been sleeping a lot... and generally not really doing very much of anything. I'm trying not to beat myself up over it and tell myself it's okay to rest. I've been drinking a lot less; when I went into withdrawal from my meds I was suicidal and borderline in phychosis. I felt myself literally lose grip. It was terrifying. I was drinking a lot during that time because it made me feel "normal". Which I understand now is bad but then I literally didn't have the strength/capacity to say no to myself. I feel like I've regained that now.

Anyway, now I feel better and ready to take on the world again. The only thing is I'm about to get really busy, I'm going to a theatre festival next weekend where a play I wrote is being performed which is really exciting, then two weeks later I'm going back to York to graduate, I'm really hesitant about going back there because of all that happend there and the downright mess it ended in, but I'm mostly going to make my mum happy.

I'm also in between these two trips supposed to be going on a trip to Ireland because during the withdrawal episode an old freind asked me if I wanted to move to Dublin and in my manic state I said yes, even though I've now decided I don't want to go, and moving countries right now is just going to send me into a tailspin. I think I need to work at home in my little village to save money and focus on my writing and getting better for the foreseeable before I decide where to go next. I'm supposed to be going with another old freind who was also involved in this plan, but who I've now learned has a similar opinion on it to me. The plan we booked is insane and now I'm wondering if it's worth going; we're not even going to Dublin on this trip just to stay with him and his parents for a few days. I also know they both drink a lot and I don't really like being around them when we're sober and while I'm not trying to stop drinking completely I think being around two people who bring out my worst impulses for four days in the middle of Irish countryside is not the best idea.

It's a tough one because we're going essentially to let him down in person, and I feel I owe him an explanation but given I have my theatre festival and graduation in between I'm not sure if it's too much or not. Help.
Do NOT go when every bone in your body is telling you not to. The whole "go explore the world buy experiences!!!" mantra we got growing up has revealed itself to be hollow capitalist nonsense for me, anyway. It's not a panacea.

I did something very similar and did go and consequently unraveled even harder back in the mid '10s. I think you really do need stability, you need to be around people who won't pressure you into going back into old destructive habits. In other words:


Absolutely thrilled for you getting to see your play come to life, and for you starting to get on even keel again. That's the good shit. More of that.
 
he/him/basic cishomo
Just relapsed again on the booze........ this shit is so annoying. It's always that first night that lulls me into a false sense of security because it feels pretty damn good, and that first morning-after doesn't feel very bad at all. But then a few days later I'm back to calming the shakes with pre-work vodkas, then going hard Saturday morning until I pass out at 2pm and wake up 10 hours later in a cold sweat, writhing around, trying not to puke. Dumb dumb dumb dumb DUMB drug.

It's now more than 24 hours since my last drink and I'm still feeling that full-body nausea and heart palpitations. Trying to stay on top of the ibuprofen and first-gen antihistamines to keep the shakiness down, and just hopefully get some good sleep tonight.

I, of course, should've not let my Antabuse refills run out. I'm hoping they'll let me top-up again without a doctor's visit. I think I've got enough good sense to stay away from alcohol now for a while, but I always think that, so it's in my best interest to kill my body's ability to metabolize alcohol if I can.
 
My Dry January is still going strong! It ain't that hard at all and most people know now and are kinda easy with it? Some say I'm not that fun any more while I just say... Well if they put on Lady Gaga at the sports club at 12:00 I still dance, so what? I always dance and they don't - lazy asses.

Friends get me non-alcoholic (0.0%) beer whenever I'm with them at the club. We always buy jugs of beer to easily share, but I decline to always keep them bringing me my non-alcoholic beer at the same time, otherwise I end up with 3 at the same time. So I also try to drink less total volume of liquids, so I have to get up less for the toilet at night ugh. The annoying thing is people that don't know I do the dry January, try to fill up my glass with regular beer (as we always share beer everywhere, it's not to pester). So I have to keep my eyes out that doesn't happen. But that's easily.

I decided to ditch out of a festival I wasn't a huge fan of anyways... It would be 1.5 hours with a bus, festival from 2 to 11, then 2.5 hours back... And doing that with 2 full busses of people I know is fun, but without alcohol the whole day? Also the fact everyone is going to do some stronger shit there, I rather not. I could even sell my ticket with a lil profit.

The hard part is when you come to the party / club and go to the bar and most bartenders are like want a beer because they know me? So then decline and explain it is fine. And making sure they have enough good stuff to drink. I now love Gimber, which is ginger juice with sparkling water - fresh, has a kick and more. I go to the liquor store to buy some non-alcohlic stuff to try and some are quite tasty!

But then I love that at 1:30 or so I feel done and cherish my sleep so I go home and don't stay uber late... And even after only a shorter sleep (say 6 hours), I wake up quite fresh... No more hangovers is so good! Also... I never knew alcohol was so damaging to your body on the long run with cancer and all. So I will definitely drink less in future for sure! Maybe just 1 or 2 wines in the week or a beer. And start with something else or a non-alcoholic beer.
 
I forgot that "networking" in the theatre industry HEAVILY relies on alcohol and it's almost encouraged to drink. I was drinking with the head of the company all night (he was the one buying the drinks), and then got back to my hotel room and had night sweats so bad I've got to pay a fine. Ugh. It's not even the money (which yes is annoying) it's just embarrassing and I don't want it to ruin what has been a great weekend.

It's just so fucking HARD to navigate all this stuff, especially when my brain hasn't fully recovered (or even recovered at all) from my really horrible withdrawal episode and the extreme burnout I've been in. I know boozing it away isn't the answer but this time it wasn't even like I was doing it alone and yet I still found a way to fuck something up.

I'm really worried about my mental health - like I feel like my brain jumps from being happy to suicidal every five minutes and I have to keep up. I went to the GP and asked for help and they gave me the same alcohol consouler I had in my episode but who blew me off after I missed an appointment and told me I "just didn't care" which wasn't the case?? So I don't feel thrilled about going back to her.
 
he/him/basic cishomo
Hey, checking in. I'm still sober, though I was on track to relapse after a shit week (stopped taking my Antabuse for several days), I quickly swallowed an Antabuse impulsively Sunday and reset the counter. That pill has been a lifesaver for me. I just have to exert a bit of willpower to keep it going.

Things have been very rough at work and there's a lot happening that I'm deeply uncomfortable with. "My life is unmanageable." But I'm giving it my best shot today, and so far things haven't completely crumbled.

How you holding up @Runawaywithme ?
 

Sam

he/they
Oooooh boy. Things have been a little heavy lately. I feel like I go through this rinse and repeat of drinking at the weekend, feeling shit, getting to Friday and feeling okay, drinking again, losing all motivation to look after myself, realising I can’t do this anymore, having a few weeks off booze, and then we go again. I’m bored of it, I don’t like myself when I’m in it. I’ve drank the last 5 weekends in a row and I just feel fucking crap. Looking forward to not touching a drop this weekend or the 2 weekends afterwards. I’ve got plans a week on Saturday for a birthday night out but I need to put myself first.
 

Mvnl

Staff member
I don't know who it was right now but I saw a video recently where someone discussed 'imagine someone comes up now with a drink that makes your emotions stronger, makes you sick the next day, makes you forget what you did, and well.. sometimes makes you more relaxed. Would it even become legal? Would anyone feel appealed to even try it?' and it really made me think again about what an odd thing it is how alcohol's not only so normalized, but in a lot of settings even expected. (And I mean, I'm not judging, I drank a LOT. But when you think about it is quite fucked up)
 
Hey, checking in. I'm still sober, though I was on track to relapse after a shit week (stopped taking my Antabuse for several days), I quickly swallowed an Antabuse impulsively Sunday and reset the counter. That pill has been a lifesaver for me. I just have to exert a bit of willpower to keep it going.

Things have been very rough at work and there's a lot happening that I'm deeply uncomfortable with. "My life is unmanageable." But I'm giving it my best shot today, and so far things haven't completely crumbled.

How you holding up @Runawaywithme ?
So... pretty good? Much better than the grand October - February spiral. Boy oh boy that chapter of my autobiography will be interesting. I'm so glad to have made it out the other side. I don't think I'm out of the woods yet but I've cut down on drinking a lot.

I started smoking weed again. I honestly think it helps me - yes it makes me a little dumber and even more lazy but it doesn't make blackout and (literally) go into psychosis like Alcohol did, especially when I was deep in the throughs of whatever the fuck my episode was from October-Feb. I feel mad that I lost five months of my life to my poor mental health, but I still managed to do some cool stuff in them so it wasn't a total waste I guess. It was just so fucking scary. Like genuinely not knowing what I was going to do to myself/was capable of.

My DR has unofficially diagnosed me with Borderline Personality Disorder which makes a lot of sense - I've been looking up a lot about it. I know hyperfixiating on stuff like this is bad but I do find researching it really helps me. I've learned BPD and Booze DO NOT MIX. It's like pretty much rule number one to avoid. I mean I still am drinking a wee bit here and there... but yeah, I've calmed down a lot. I had a blackout night in a Karaoke booth in Edinburgh with pals at the weekend, and while it was fun, the hangover the next day was horrific and I kinda had an epiphany while walking down Princes Street trying not to spew and trying to focus on just standing up that I geiunely don't want to feel like this ever again.

It proabaly won't last but I feel a lot more "chill" now. I want to start working again and slowly rebuilding my life. Everyone in the small town I'm currently at because of life has actually been super nice and supportive. I was surprised since A. my paranoia told me everyone hated me and B. it's in the Scottish Highlands where subjects like mental health are still pretty taboo, but everyone I've spoke too has said it's nice to see "looking better" so I guess that's a good sign.


I do really want to move. I think it'll happen with time. I think I just need to set small goals and work towards them. Also getting on official diagnosis which who knows how long that will take but I feel like I want it set in stone before I go off gallivanting again.

Well done on staying sober! i imagine it's really not easy for you right now... I'm proud of you for not falling all the way of the wagon. It's a fuck of a lot harder than people say/think.
 
I don't drink that often (St Patrick's Day was the first time I drank since New Year's Eve) but when I do drink I find myself overdoing it to the point where I put myself in precarious positions. So today I decided to join a support group. My first meeting is tonight. I've never considered myself an alcoholic because I take long breaks between drinking and only really drink in social settings, but once I start it becomes hard for me to stop. Thankfully I don't drink alone or when I'm sad, but I still have an issue with it so I want to stop completely. The shame and embarrassment I feel the next day just aren't worth it anymore.

Also, I've realized I sometimes use it to cope with shyness, so I would like to learn how to break out of my shyness without feeling like I need to medicate myself. I took an evaluation at a support center located near my home and they basically said I'm on the lower spectrum of being an alcoholic so I am hopeful I can turn it around before it gets out of hand. I am mostly scared because alcohol addiction runs in my family so it's always on my mind that I could fall into the same cycle at any time in my life.
 
I don't drink that often (St Patrick's Day was the first time I drank since New Year's Eve) but when I do drink I find myself overdoing it to the point where I put myself in precarious positions. So today I decided to join a support group. My first meeting is tonight. I've never considered myself an alcoholic because I take long breaks between drinking and only really drink in social settings, but once I start it becomes hard for me to stop. Thankfully I don't drink alone or when I'm sad, but I still have an issue with it so I want to stop completely. The shame and embarrassment I feel the next day just aren't worth it anymore.

Also, I've realized I sometimes use it to cope with shyness, so I would like to learn how to break out of my shyness without feeling like I need to medicate myself. I took an evaluation at a support center located near my home and they basically said I'm on the lower spectrum of being an alcoholic so I am hopeful I can turn it around before it gets out of hand. I am mostly scared because alcohol addiction runs in my family so it's always on my mind that I could fall into the same cycle at any time in my life.
I can relate so much to this, alcohol made me kind of become a bit of a characature of myself that people expect me to turn into - or that I relied on becoming, thinking it was the only way people would like me.

Has taken a lot of work and digging deep, but I can assure you it's worth it. To find myself a bit more comfortable (even round people i'm not familiar with) and believe that I'm so much more than just the party boy persona is relief in itself. Also never having any "omg what the hell did I say to that person last night?!" regrets and worry has been worth cutting down drastically.
 
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I've been drinking so little the past few years (but never was a drinker anyway) that one G+T now gives me what five of them used to give: sore throat (from the ice nn), not being able to sleep properly (just keep having the same dream over and over on repeat), peeing all night etc. Same with beer.
 
Wasn't sure whether to post this here or in the TV thread, but wanted to say I've been watching a great series about a recovering alcoholic on ITVX called The Dry.

Given my own experiences with recovery, I'm always interested in how 12 step groups are presented in dramas.

I'm halfway through series two at the moment. Anyone else been watching?
 

Rmx

He/Him/His
So the past 2 weeks have been a bit disastrous. I was staying in a rehab clinic for almost 6 months in total and was clean for all that time (longest I've managed in years) and 2 weeks ago was the big day to come back home and start my day treatment, which I did. But one day after the move, I relapsed on 3mmc (my drug of choice). Used almost non-stop for 2 weeks. My ex (who has been mostly toxic but at least had hopes for maintaining a friendship) has now decided to cut me out of his life for "Lying to him for 6 months and then come back and use" (yes he's really that selfish, that's really how his brain works, not empathic like oh so sorry you're hurting).

But anyway, today I somehow found the strength to break the chain of daily re-ordering, and tomorrow I'm having an appointment with my councelor to see what we can do. Like the pure addict that I am, I've treated myself to a can of G&T, but for the first time in 2 weeks, my main activity tonight will be sleeping. It's nice.
 

Sam

he/they
So the past 2 weeks have been a bit disastrous. I was staying in a rehab clinic for almost 6 months in total and was clean for all that time (longest I've managed in years) and 2 weeks ago was the big day to come back home and start my day treatment, which I did. But one day after the move, I relapsed on 3mmc (my drug of choice). Used almost non-stop for 2 weeks. My ex (who has been mostly toxic but at least had hopes for maintaining a friendship) has now decided to cut me out of his life for "Lying to him for 6 months and then come back and use" (yes he's really that selfish, that's really how his brain works, not empathic like oh so sorry you're hurting).

But anyway, today I somehow found the strength to break the chain of daily re-ordering, and tomorrow I'm having an appointment with my councelor to see what we can do. Like the pure addict that I am, I've treated myself to a can of G&T, but for the first time in 2 weeks, my main activity tonight will be sleeping. It's nice.

Sorry to hear this Rik. Sending love and well wishes x
 
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Since choosing to be sober in 2019 I've kinda avoided going clubbing. Not because I think I'd end up drunk but because I don't know clubbing without the feeling of being wasted and not sure I am confident enough to enjoy the night dancing n stuff without feeling buzzed.

But I went out out with one of my good mates on Saturday and forgot how much I missed going out to dance. I was stone cold sober the whole time, I had to double check with the bartenders about my order being an alcohol free version of a cocktail etc. I really enjoyed myself, didn't feel awkward and my mate thankfully didn't do the typical 'oh if you're not drinking, then I can't drink' thing. He got wasted and I didn't and we had a great time.
 

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