The 90's Billboard #1's Rate (1995-1999): We've come to the end of our road.
- Thread starter Ironheade
- Start date
Also, @Ironheade’s Bryan Adams write-up was one of the greatest posts I’ve ever read on this forum. A+!
Who would have thought that after the Robin Hood and Musketeers turds an even bigger cringefest was right around the corner? Does he have any other soundtrack ballads apart from those three? Do we even want to know?
Who would have thought that after the Robin Hood and Musketeers turds an even bigger cringefest was right around the corner? Does he have any other soundtrack ballads apart from those three? Do we even want to know?
Oh, yes. You bet he has more. Soooooooo many more, and not a one of them is any good. (Oh yeah, and "Heaven" was originally one. So, yes, all of his four US #1 hits are soundtrack ballads.)
Anyway, another elimination post should be coming within an hour or two.
she/her
There might have been, before I heard 'One Sweet Day'.
londonrain
Staff member
This only makes sense if you mean that you haven’t had the joy of music since 1995...
...because you damn well didn’t suddenly lose the joy of music while doing the scores for this rate.
she/her
I did have to stop and go for a walk at one point though, because that song list was not kind at points.
My commentary for this wasOK, NOW onto the first proper reveal.
With 47 voters (three more than last time!), the risk of bad taste becomes that much higher. But we don't have to deal with that just yet... oh, certainly not.
83. Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman - Bryan Adams
Average: 2.896
Highest scores: 1 x 8 (@Filippa )
Lowest scores: 12 x 0 (@Mirwais Ahmadzaï , @Blond , @Mina , @DJHazey , @Hurricane Drunk , @Ray , @Empty Shoebox , @ohnoitisnathan , @Untouchable Ace , @marie_05 , @soratami , @Spiral )
Weeks at #1: 5 consecutive Hot 100
Year-End Hot 100: #16 (1995)
Yes, Bryan, I have. And it was nothing like this crap!
Ah, yes. Soundtrack ballads. Wow, do we have a lot of them in this half of the rate or what? Ever big 90's blockbuster had to have one, it seems, and Bryan Adams was one of the kings of them, helping to keep his career alive in the new decade when big dumb 80's arena rock was out of vogue. Which is too bad, because all of his soundtrack ballads BLOW in ways that defy description, as we saw in the last half of the rate with two of them. (But not enough for this song to beat out poor beleaguered Tommy Page for the title of the lowest-rated song in either half!) Now, I am told that, unlike Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves and The Three Musketeers, the movie that “Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman” was attached to – the Johnny Depp/Faye Dunaway romantic comedy Don Juan DeMarco – is actually not bad. I wouldn't know, I've never seen it... but man alive, this song is not doing a good job of selling it to me, and that's me being exceptionally polite.
At its core, “Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman” is just another Bryan Adams power ballad. It's all there: an awkward and uncatchy vocal melody that's even more simpering and wet than that of “Everything I Do”, overblown yet hollow and empty production, a total lack of any sort of sincerity or emotion that might save it, everything we know and... know is present and correct. And yet, it has one big cosmetic change that kills the entire thing stone dead. Seriously, Bryan. Whoever told you that it was a good idea to graft these awful faux-Latin flourishes onto the formula is such an idiot they're probably in serious danger of drowning in a bowl of soup. The Spanish guitar twanging is about as generic as it gets, with not a bit of melodic interest to the entire thing, and the hand drums and handclap percussion are so badly produced and buried in the mix that they might as well not be there at all. It's like trying to hide a rotten fish under an ocean of sauce; you're not fooling anybody, and in fact you're probably just making it worse. The worst part is the bridge, where the most feeble guitar distortion possible attempts to elbow its way into the song. Yeah, nice try.
And the worst part is what being placed over this backing does to the vocals. I have never been fond of Bryan's dry, emotionally neutral croak to begin with, but I can tolerate it a lot better on goofy stadium rockers than I can when it's exposed on a power ballad. Especially this power ballad; set against the limp, watery acoustics and the percussion produced to sound like the mic was four feet away, it sounds utterly horrid, strained to the high heavens, and wrung-out like an old sponge. This is particularly the case on the bridge, where Bryan sounds like he's struggling to extrude an exceptionally large and compacted turd. Not that he's helped much by the lyrics, mind you. They're the same inane assemblage of Hallmark cliches that Bryan Adams ballads always consist of... except a million times worse, even without the cod-medievalisms of the two from the first half. Badly written, mushy and patronizing, even a bit creepy in places, they are an absolute fiasco. Especially the one about having to “really taste her”, and “seeing her unborn children in her eyes”... ergh. Just... no.
The only reason that I didn't give this song a zero – and I could have given it one happily, believe you me – is that it isn't “All for Love”. That song had all the mushiness, crappy instrumentation and terrible lyrics that this one did, but it also roped in Sting and Rod Stewart to bark away like distressed seals alongside him and produce the least harmonious harmonies I've ever heard on such a big hit, taking it from awful to completely unlistenable. Lacking that little extra dollop of shit on top of the turdpile, “Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman” gets off lightly with a 1 from me. But man... it was a close-run thing.
bleedingheart80 (7) - That rasp in his voice is on point. (You mean like the points of the knitting needles I'd rather stick in my ears than listen to this again?)
Mike (1) - One point for the nostalgic reminder of the days when a Johnny Depp movie was a promise, not a threat. In every other respect, this is trash.
Filippa (8) - I have a very good friend who has always been in love with Don Juan DeMarco and Johnny Depp and this song. This song is part of my life and so I chose to like it a long time ago … (Probably better for your sanity, I suppose.)
WowWowWowWow (4) - Like, it’s absolutely an improvement on All for Love and Everything I Do, but I still can’t really sign onto this one, especially compared to some of the other songs in the rate. Would it be different if I had ever watched Don Juan Demarco? (Probably not.)
saviodxl (4.75) - The masks they wear in the video...God, why? (Our next voter has a theory...)
mung_bean (1.5) - This is pretty poor. If I was singing this, I’d probably be wearing a disguise in the video too. (Ouch!)
DJHazey (0) - I knew what it was instantly and I'm not proud of it. I thought we left this sort of nonsense behind when we got to 1995 though.
Ray (0) - THIS is my most hated Bryan Adams song, and I hate a lot of Bryan Adams songs. Quite a feat! (At least it didn't get the -666 you gave to some other songs...)
Empty Shoebox (0) - I think we discussed in depth in the first half of the rate exactly what we all think of Brian Adams. Nothing's changed here. He's still Brian Adams. He's still singing like he has constipation, and is this another film song? Bloody hell. (If only you knew how many there'd be...)
Rooneyboy (2) - Dirge.
GimmeWork (3) - Yawn….
ohnoitsnathan (0) - Just awful.
Mina (0) - Blergh. (The queen of the dismissive one-word commentary returns!)
əʊæ (4) - This lasts about half a century. Like, shut up already. (At least it's not the six-minute unedited version of "Everything I Do"!)
A$AP Robbie (3) - The only acceptable Bryan Adams song is "When You're Gone". (Eh... I never much liked his 80's material, but I could at least tolerate it. By the 90's, though? NOPE.)
dancingwithmyself (6) - Every time I hear the intro of Lana's God Bless.. I'm like 'Bryan is that you?'. God Bless is obviously superior to Have You Ever…! (Yep.)
unnameable (5) - I feel this song may be dismissed as heterosexual nonsense by many of the voters, and suffer from PJ misandry. I’m rating this mediocre because it’s not a patch on his “reckless” album of 10 years before. (It was, and it did. But it was justified this time, I reckon.)
K94 (3) - Stop the hetties.
Blond (0) - Bryan Adams is such a purveyor of straight, white nonsense. (Now, now, we've apologized for him on several occasions!)
londonrain (3) - Where I grew up, everyone was either a Vengaboys/Enrique Iglesias fan or a Bryan Adams fan, so I heard this song a LOT. I don't hate it but it's just there. Also, genuine question: do straight men ever see their unborn children in a woman's eyes? Is this actually a thing? (Speaking in my official capacity as a straight man: FUCK NO WE DO NOT.)
berserkboi (3.5) - I am a sucker for that opening chord and the storytelling quality of it and then after the first verse, the lyrics get super cringey (seeing your unborn children in her eyes????) so that’s an overall no from me!
japanbonustrack (5) - I think I did him dirty last round, so I'm giving this +1 point. (You're too nice.)
iheartpoptarts (3) - I actually quite like Bryan Adams in general and he has some cute songs, but ugh, he’s not doing very well for himself in these rates, is he? (It's what she deserves.)
Memo to 90's Hollywood producers: get some fuckin' taste in movie themes.
No
londonrain
Staff member
But do you have some songs you stan for, at least? Please tell me you have at least some songs you love in this rate.
he/him
“Have you ever really loved a woman?”
“Have you ever really loved a woman?”
“Have you ever really loved a woman?”
she/her
I gave out seven tens.
I love Bryan Adams, and I can't even bring myself to rate that song more than a 5. That particular song is a worthy winner of the wooden spoon for this rate, even if I wished "wick wicky wa" went first.
she/her
That line is excruciating, isn't it?
So, here comes today's second and final elimination!
Predictable thus far, seeing as quite a few people have been calling for this one to leave...
82. I'm Your Angel - R. Kelly and Celine Dion
Average: 3.974
Highest scores: 1 x 10 (@Conan )
Lowest scores: 8 x 0 (@Mina , @Ray , @Empty Shoebox , @ohnoitisnathan , @Untouchable Ace , @japanbonustrack , @A$AP Robbie , @ohnostalgia )
Weeks at #1: 6 consecutive Hot 100
Year-End Hot 100: #16 (1999)
You've got to admit it, this looks like a bizarre pairing on paper. So you've got Celine Dion, the queen of schmaltzy adult contemporary ballads. Who to have her duet with? How about R. Kelly? Sounds great to me! But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe the two of them could find some common ground, and transcend their major differences in style to produce a piece of work that really did offer something of the best of both of them...
Of course they bloody didn't. Otherwise, “I'm Your Angel” wouldn't have gone out in the second-to-last position, now would it?
I mean, Celine and R. Kelly both have great voices, that can't be denied, and happily, neither one of them is oversinging too much (except for the ad-libs over the final chorus, but I mean, that's obligatory). The big problem is that this song is, to put it simply, so monumentally DULL. Not only does “I'm Your Angel” boast a tempo slower than your average funeral doom metal song, a badly-done key change that crashes inelegantly into the end of the song like a bull in a china shop, and horrifically sugary keyboards that sound so floaty and impactless they might as well not be there at all, but the melody is an absolute snore of MOR blandness, dragging along at a snail's pace and barely elevating or anything. There's a vague bit of interest in the string arrangements, but they just sort of sit there, pushed back too far in the mix to make much of a difference to the song, and then in drifts that stupid corny flute that sounds like it wandered in from a random New Age CD that sits on the shelves of a charity shop for years. It's exactly the empty bombast that you would expect from a ballad from these two, except it can't even go all the way over the top like you would expect it to, and thus it is pretty useless. (Tried and failed, or couldn't be bothered? I can't decide.)
Not to mention that, while our two protagonists' individual vocal performances are fine and all, I don't think they blend together very well; Celine's polite princessly soprano and R. Kelly's hearty mid-tenor are pretty irreconcilable, and the harmonies between the two are far from seamless. Oh yeah, and say hi to the obligatory gospel choir on the final chorus! At least a song like “I Want To Know What Love Is” or “Coming Out of the Dark”, to name two other big offenders in “roping in a gospel choir as a facsimile for genuine emotion”, actually deployed it throughout the song or used it to build up a bit of a “churchy” atmosphere, so that it felt like a genuine songwriting choice and not a strained gimmick. But here, it definitely does feel like a poor attempt at adding some drama and power to a song where there is none. I dunno. It's not the worst thing I've ever heard, but “I'm Your Angel” is still nothing but a limp, crappy AC ballad. At least the songs that I think are worse than it, or of equal quality, are more interesting in some way.
berserkboi (6.25) - I’ll probably be a high scorer even with this score. (Oddly enough, no.)
Empty Shoebox (0) - Another zero for R.Kelly. You know why, it's because he's R.Kelly. (None of those pesky moral quandaries for me about whether I should low-score it this time! Why? Because the song sucks, that's why.)
Mina (0) - Points off for R Kelly + points off for Celine.
A$AP Robbie (0) - Like a lab created worst imaginable 90s ballad. (It seems you got lost! Bryan Adams is that-a-way.)
japanbonustrack (0) - Instant Zero. (Just add water!)
br0dy (1) - Sounds similar to Because You Loved Me, which is a not a selling point for me.
Sprockrooster (3) - Yawn.
iheartpoptarts (3) - The Space Jam song is downright hilarious. I'm sad we get this one instead. (Well, "You Are Not Alone" is close enough. If not nearly as terrible. Or funny.)
Filippa (3) - They both really can sing but couldn’t they have chosen a better song. Kids in any video should be forbidden by the way. (Except "Work It".)
londonrain (6.5) - I'm just ignoring the fact that R. Kelly is trash for the purpose of this score. Both artists have done much better but I have sentimental attachment to this still (mainly because my mum loves this song and the album in general).
unnameable (8) - Celine fails to disappoint but the chorus with R Kelly drops this from a 9 to an 8 for me. (Couldn't even disappoint? Sort it out, Celine!)
K94 (6) - Corny but nice vocals.
WowWowWowWow (6) - I love a festive song as much as the next, but, this pairing just doesn’t work for me. I mean it’s not quite as bad as Celine ‘rapping’ with Diana King but it’s pretty close. (Or covering AC/DC alongside Anastacia! - Ed.) And like, is this really supposed to be a Christmas song? Or did they just slap it onto the Christmas album since it was a hit at that time? I’m perplexed.
Rooneyboy (5) - I bought this at the time and I have no idea why? (Love yourself.)
Mike (5) - A likeable enough ballad, but....if only this were Celine and literally anyone else. (Celine Dion, ha Dave Mustaine duet is coming.)
bleedingheart80 (5) - This gets a low score for the R. Kelly association.
saviodxl (4.75) - I can aprecciate Celine's vocals here, but the R. Kelly hate is real and ongoing.
əʊæ (0.5) - Celine found playing with demons.
Blond (8) - This was my first time hearing this song. R Kelly is a trash human being but it’s hard to deny his vocal talent. Despite the shitty lyrics it’s great to hear two amazing vocalists at their peak singing together and the climax is pretty great. I’d love an improved 2018 version with Kelly Clarkson and Miguel teebz. (Hey, it might work. They'd have to pick a better song, though.)
PushyBakerFriend (4.75) - Why did this have to be her last US No. 1? At least she sounds pretty good…but the key change is not nice, and their voices don't really work together. (Making an entrance here in STYLE, my friend!)
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Yes, Celine, they are. For a certain definition of "special", anyway.
Predictable thus far, seeing as quite a few people have been calling for this one to leave...
82. I'm Your Angel - R. Kelly and Celine Dion
Average: 3.974
Highest scores: 1 x 10 (@Conan )
Lowest scores: 8 x 0 (@Mina , @Ray , @Empty Shoebox , @ohnoitisnathan , @Untouchable Ace , @japanbonustrack , @A$AP Robbie , @ohnostalgia )
Weeks at #1: 6 consecutive Hot 100
Year-End Hot 100: #16 (1999)
You've got to admit it, this looks like a bizarre pairing on paper. So you've got Celine Dion, the queen of schmaltzy adult contemporary ballads. Who to have her duet with? How about R. Kelly? Sounds great to me! But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe the two of them could find some common ground, and transcend their major differences in style to produce a piece of work that really did offer something of the best of both of them...
Of course they bloody didn't. Otherwise, “I'm Your Angel” wouldn't have gone out in the second-to-last position, now would it?
I mean, Celine and R. Kelly both have great voices, that can't be denied, and happily, neither one of them is oversinging too much (except for the ad-libs over the final chorus, but I mean, that's obligatory). The big problem is that this song is, to put it simply, so monumentally DULL. Not only does “I'm Your Angel” boast a tempo slower than your average funeral doom metal song, a badly-done key change that crashes inelegantly into the end of the song like a bull in a china shop, and horrifically sugary keyboards that sound so floaty and impactless they might as well not be there at all, but the melody is an absolute snore of MOR blandness, dragging along at a snail's pace and barely elevating or anything. There's a vague bit of interest in the string arrangements, but they just sort of sit there, pushed back too far in the mix to make much of a difference to the song, and then in drifts that stupid corny flute that sounds like it wandered in from a random New Age CD that sits on the shelves of a charity shop for years. It's exactly the empty bombast that you would expect from a ballad from these two, except it can't even go all the way over the top like you would expect it to, and thus it is pretty useless. (Tried and failed, or couldn't be bothered? I can't decide.)
Not to mention that, while our two protagonists' individual vocal performances are fine and all, I don't think they blend together very well; Celine's polite princessly soprano and R. Kelly's hearty mid-tenor are pretty irreconcilable, and the harmonies between the two are far from seamless. Oh yeah, and say hi to the obligatory gospel choir on the final chorus! At least a song like “I Want To Know What Love Is” or “Coming Out of the Dark”, to name two other big offenders in “roping in a gospel choir as a facsimile for genuine emotion”, actually deployed it throughout the song or used it to build up a bit of a “churchy” atmosphere, so that it felt like a genuine songwriting choice and not a strained gimmick. But here, it definitely does feel like a poor attempt at adding some drama and power to a song where there is none. I dunno. It's not the worst thing I've ever heard, but “I'm Your Angel” is still nothing but a limp, crappy AC ballad. At least the songs that I think are worse than it, or of equal quality, are more interesting in some way.
berserkboi (6.25) - I’ll probably be a high scorer even with this score. (Oddly enough, no.)
Empty Shoebox (0) - Another zero for R.Kelly. You know why, it's because he's R.Kelly. (None of those pesky moral quandaries for me about whether I should low-score it this time! Why? Because the song sucks, that's why.)
Mina (0) - Points off for R Kelly + points off for Celine.
A$AP Robbie (0) - Like a lab created worst imaginable 90s ballad. (It seems you got lost! Bryan Adams is that-a-way.)
japanbonustrack (0) - Instant Zero. (Just add water!)
br0dy (1) - Sounds similar to Because You Loved Me, which is a not a selling point for me.
Sprockrooster (3) - Yawn.
iheartpoptarts (3) - The Space Jam song is downright hilarious. I'm sad we get this one instead. (Well, "You Are Not Alone" is close enough. If not nearly as terrible. Or funny.)
Filippa (3) - They both really can sing but couldn’t they have chosen a better song. Kids in any video should be forbidden by the way. (Except "Work It".)
londonrain (6.5) - I'm just ignoring the fact that R. Kelly is trash for the purpose of this score. Both artists have done much better but I have sentimental attachment to this still (mainly because my mum loves this song and the album in general).
unnameable (8) - Celine fails to disappoint but the chorus with R Kelly drops this from a 9 to an 8 for me. (Couldn't even disappoint? Sort it out, Celine!)
K94 (6) - Corny but nice vocals.
WowWowWowWow (6) - I love a festive song as much as the next, but, this pairing just doesn’t work for me. I mean it’s not quite as bad as Celine ‘rapping’ with Diana King but it’s pretty close. (Or covering AC/DC alongside Anastacia! - Ed.) And like, is this really supposed to be a Christmas song? Or did they just slap it onto the Christmas album since it was a hit at that time? I’m perplexed.
Rooneyboy (5) - I bought this at the time and I have no idea why? (Love yourself.)
Mike (5) - A likeable enough ballad, but....if only this were Celine and literally anyone else. (Celine Dion, ha Dave Mustaine duet is coming.)
bleedingheart80 (5) - This gets a low score for the R. Kelly association.
saviodxl (4.75) - I can aprecciate Celine's vocals here, but the R. Kelly hate is real and ongoing.
əʊæ (0.5) - Celine found playing with demons.
Blond (8) - This was my first time hearing this song. R Kelly is a trash human being but it’s hard to deny his vocal talent. Despite the shitty lyrics it’s great to hear two amazing vocalists at their peak singing together and the climax is pretty great. I’d love an improved 2018 version with Kelly Clarkson and Miguel teebz. (Hey, it might work. They'd have to pick a better song, though.)
PushyBakerFriend (4.75) - Why did this have to be her last US No. 1? At least she sounds pretty good…but the key change is not nice, and their voices don't really work together. (Making an entrance here in STYLE, my friend!)
Yes, Celine, they are. For a certain definition of "special", anyway.
He/Him
Very surprised this actually ended up leaving so quickly! I expected the Celine stans would have it around a bit longer. Hooray for Shawn Mullins not falling victim to the Misandry yet!
He/Him
@londonrain, @ComeOnGloria, @WowWowWowWow, @Eric Generic, @Baby Clyde
(Actually - I don't know if they all are but it will certainly drive some conversation!)
When doing this rate, I found that Mariah had more that I was interested in than I thought, and that Celine was even worse than I remembered.
Celine did a duet/collab with R.Kelly?!
Ouch.
Ouch.