Parisienne Walkaways.
Hopefully.
Hopefully.
The 90's US One-Hit Wonders Rate: WINNER REVEALED - Goodbye, farewell and amen
- Thread starter Ironheade
- Start date
I think at the end of the school year, some Z-list celebrity reads out an inspirational speech, then they throw hats in the air, and then everyone goes to a big dance. This might the same dance where they ritually pour pig's blood on one of the girls, I'm not entirely sure that British school proms got that right when we started copying the US but I think that's close enough.Commencement speeches?
Is it an American thing like eating turkey or playing football?
Alright, time for a last elimination to round out the bottom five before my Christmas break tomorrow.
Now where'd I leave my Mozart wig?
66. JUST A FRIEND
(D'aww.)
Average score: 4.568
Highest scores: 2 x 9 (@iheartpoptarts , @chanex )
Lowest scores: 6 x 0 (@soratami , @ModeRed , @yuuurei , @Daniel_O , @Empty Shoebox , @Untouchable Ace )
Chart positions: #9 Hot 100, #37 Hot R&B/Hip-Hop Songs, #5 Hot Rap Songs
Year-End Hot 100: #94 (1990)
Who? Oh yeah, them...
Ah, the golden age of hip-hop. Just have a think back to all those legendary artists, the ones who would shape the genre and how it would sound forever, even to the present day. Rakim. LL Cool J. The Beastie Boys. Ice-T. And, of course, our man of the hour... the Diabolical Biz Markie. Now, some of you might be saying, “What? The “Just a Friend” dude? On the same list as those guys? Pull the other one!” But, yes, the creator of the one rap song that your mum probably likes is very serious. For a certain value of “serious”, of course.
For you see, the young Long Island lad named Marcel Hall was right there at the dawn of hip-hop's finest hour. He was a core member of the legendary Juice Crew, a stable of New York artists who would change the course of the genre forever, and set out the stall for almost all East Coast rap to come in the next decade. Biz was originally employed by Cold Chillin' Records as a beatboxer backing up other artists on the label, but eventually graduated to being an artist in his own right, releasing his debut album Goin' Off in 1988. And let's just say, it's a fair distance from “Just a Friend” content-wise. Here's “Vapors”, one of the most famous tracks from it, which you may also remember from Playback FM in Grand Theft Auto San Andreas:
You may notice something different here. Biz... actually sounds like a pretty legit rapper, right? Yeah, the way he rapped on "Just a Friend", you'll realize that that was on purpose after listening to this album. His rhymes are simple and his flow's uncomplicated, you can definitely tell that he comes from a bygone generation of rappers in that regard, but his endearingly goofy personality and sense of humour carry the day, and his beatboxing is still fly as fuck. Anybody who can open an album with a five-minute song about picking your nose has my eternal respect. But being part of the Juice Crew, he had some help. The whole album was produced by the crew's mastermind Marley Marl, one of the greatest and most influential hip-hop beatmakers ever, whose mastery of stripped-down yet catchy boom-bap beats and fresh scratching resonates in every important East Coast producer from RZA to Pete Rock; plus, about half the album's lyrics are ghostwritten by his buddy Big Daddy Kane, about the only MC of his time who could rival Rakim in terms of technical ability. It's a tiny bit lame that Biz doesn't write all his own rhymes, I guess, but with such talents on board, you know you're going to get something enjoyable. And that's why Goin' Off has a permanent place in the canon of old-school hip-hop – it's just such a fun light-hearted listen that it's impossible to deny. (Plus, you know you're cool when The Notorious B.I.G. himself flips one of your lines for the first bar of “What's Beef” nine years later.)
Anyway, for his second album The Biz Never Sleeps, released the next year, Biz ditched Marley and Kane, even producing most of the beats by himself (with some help from his cousin Cool V). Given the immense talents of those two, that wasn't a particularly great idea, even if The Biz Never Sleeps is perhaps only a shade worse than Goin' Off. Maybe he wanted to prove that he wasn't just a class clown who was riding their coattails and could succeed without them? I dunno. But succeed without them he certainly did. From the album came a little ditty about being cheated on, sampling the piano riff and chorus of Freddie Scott's 1968 soul hit “You Got What I Need”. And all of a sudden, it became a novelty hit, soaring all the way into the Top 10 to sit rather conspicuously in between Phil Collins and Cathy Dennis. It does my heart proud to see something like that, it really does.
So what do I think?
6.5. I mean, even as comedy rap goes, “Just a Friend” seems pretty lame at first glance. It has the same piano chords and drumbeat for more or less the whole song, Biz's rapping can charitably be described as “stilted” (rhyming “dormitory” with “door three” has to take the wooden spoon there), and then, most iconically of all, there's his bellowing through the chorus like an injured moose. And yet... and yet, there's just something about it, isn't there? And I think I know what it is: it's that Biz just has such a likeable, everyman personality here, and a willingness to make himself look the fool in his story that I find quite charming, with his (intentionally) terrible singing being part of that. “Just a Friend” is an utterly idiotic earworm too, some of the lyrics are pretty funny in a really lunkheaded sort of way (THE GUY MADE HIM FILL OUT A VISITOR'S FORM THE SWINE!), and it's a hell of a lot of fun to get together with some friends and scream the chorus together. The whole thing's just so... cute. Not a word you often get to use about rap songs, but there it is. Yes, I think “Just a Friend” is something that does have a legitimate claim to being called “so bad it's good”. But for me, it's like “Baby Got Back”. It's fun, but one listen every few months or so will do.
Where Are They Now?™
As far as I know, the only other single from The Biz Never Sleeps was another corny-but-endearing song called “Spring Again”. It was not a hit, so much so that Wikipedia doesn't even list it as a single in his discography. (See, you just don't get that kind of thing in rap any more! I would die to hear 21 Savage rapping about it being spring again, seriously.) He would soon follow up in 1991, with his next album I Need a Haircut. The single “What Goes Around Comes Around” tried to recapture lightning in a bottle with another story about girls, but it didn't catch on with the public the same way “Just a Friend” had. But though it didn't produce any hits near as big as “Just a Friend”, I Need a Haircut would change the course of music history nonetheless, all thanks to its twelfth track “Alone Again”. See, that song contained an unauthorised sample from Gilbert O'Sullivan's “Alone Again (Naturally)”, and Gilbert ended up taking Biz to court over it. Biz lost, and Warner Bros. were forced to re-release the album with the offending song removed. It also led to the music industry standard that all samples had to be cleared with their creators before they could be used. That more or less single-handedly ended the golden age of hip-hop – after this, an album like Paul's Boutique, where the producers could go hog wild with whatever smorgasbord of samples they wanted as much as they pleased, could never be made again. Thanks, Gilbert. Thanks a whole bunch. As a token of my appreciation, I give you this.
So, come 1993, Biz released his next album, entitled All Samples Cleared! (Har har har.) It tanked as well, with his career having been badly damaged by Gilbert's lawsuit, and he fell out of the musical spotlight for good after that. He released one more album in 2003, which you have never heard, and rightfully so. As far as his musical career of his own goes, that is just about it. But he probably isn't hurting for a paycheck, because Biz has certainly kept himself busy (Biz-y?) over the years. Here are some of his appearances elsewhere... and I want to stress that this is by no means a comprehensive list:
-Performing alongside the Rolling Stones on 1997's “Anybody Seen My Baby?”.
-Making a number of guest appearances with the Beastie Boys, and touring with them too. You can hear his... interesting rendition of “Benny and the Jets” on their compilation album The Sounds of Science.
-Our second instance of OHW CROSSOVER: appearing on a song from Len's album You Can't Stop the Bum Rush.
-Opening for Chris Rock's 2008 “No Apologies” tour as a DJ.
-Having a regular segment called “Biz's Beat of the Day” on Yo Gabba Gabba!.
-Guesting with the Flaming Lips, and alongside Kesha no less, in “2012 (You Must Be Upgraded)”.
-Making cameos in all manner of things, from Men in Black II to Adventure Time and SpongeBob SquarePants.
-Appearing on Empire in 2016, as himself, to perform “Just a Friend”. He did the same in the season finale of Black-ish in 2017 – this time with the names of the characters added.
And I really could go on here. Biz really just seems like the kind of guy that people want to have around, and I don't blame them for it. It would be a shame to let such a likeable personality as this one fall by the wayside completely. The Clown Prince of Hip-Hop has not vacated his throne yet...
…except among you guys, apparently.
OVER TO THE PEANUT GALLERY
BUT YOU SAY HE'S NOT A FRIEND, AWWWW BAYBEH YOOOOOUUUUUU
Daniel_O (0): This song is the first on the list, and it's such a terrible way to start!
yuuurei (0): Who let this ode to manpain get to #1? (Or #9, as the case may be. - Ed.) I'd never heard this before and I would've been happy if it stayed that way, I hate it!
Untouchable Ace (0): Other than being terrible, it's too slow paced, is this supposed to be rapped?
ModeRed (0): Grating rap and not even a catchy hook to elevate it a touch. (*clears throat* *does a few scales* ...YOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUU)
unnameable (2): Biz can stay in the friendzone for all I care.
Hudweiser (3): Never heard this before, and probably never need to again.
GimmeWork (4): I like Mario’s 2002 version better. (Called "Just a Friend 2002", originally enough.)
CasuallyCrazed (2.5): I lowkey only knew this song because of the Austin Mahone half-cover -- "Say You're Just a Friend" -- which is an infinitely better version. (...Gonna disagree on that one, I'm afraid.)
DJHazey (2.5): Non essential and a lot more monotonous and lethargic than I remember. For some reason I thought this was a bit more catchy and fun.
Andy French (4): Cute for the novelty factor but wears off after like a minute.
DominoDancing (5): Cute, but the chorus just gets on my nerves the second he starts his off-key screeching.
Empty Shoebox (0): This man seems very dismissive of this woman. That's not nice. Neither is his singing.
Sprockrooster (1): Fucking hell. No way to start this off nicely. Is it just me or is that chorus very pitchy?! (I dunno, a bit, possibly. - Ed.) Cringe definitely.
Auntie Beryl (5.5): A rate comprised entirely of one hit wonders is going to have some tunes that flirt with novelty, that’s good. However the novelty here is the fucking awful singing which makes Shaun Ryder sound like Montserrat Caballe. By the end of the century, the Biz was reduced to appearing on Morcheeba album tracks. (There are worse fates, admittedly.)
YOU GOT WHAT I NEEEEE~EEEEEEEEED
Blond (8): I’m a sucker for an old-school hip hop beat and the verses are pretty good. It loses point for the horrifically sung choruses (I get that it’s done on purpose but that doesn’t make it any more listenable). (Hey, I guess that's why it's such a good sing-along. You don't have to worry about anything silly like keys!)
4Roses (8): Cute little bop. The Ty Dollar Sign vocal straining is a MOOD.
berserkboi (8.9): Love the sentiment and tune but pitchy. (Eh... don't really hear it. Maybe the slightest bit?)
WowWowWowWow (7): Something oddly endearing about this song, despite the refrain being a total earsore.
Filippa (7): This is fun! I really do like the piano in the chorus.
Ganache (8): Awww...I was always rooting for Biz and Blablabla. (Nine-ten pants and a very big bra will get you every time.)
pop3blow2 (8): It's hard not to smile listening to this. I’m not saying all music needs to be silly, but damn if the occasional intentionally bad song is refreshing.... and Biz gets that.
Seventeen_Days (7): I have always liked this song. I always really thought it was cool that Biz Markie doesn’t take himself too serious on this, and just lets his goofy persona show.
əʊæ (8): Austine Mahone found rotting.
iheartpoptarts (9): You can tell how old people are by how they sing this.
Now where'd I leave my Mozart wig?
66. JUST A FRIEND
(D'aww.)
Average score: 4.568
Highest scores: 2 x 9 (@iheartpoptarts , @chanex )
Lowest scores: 6 x 0 (@soratami , @ModeRed , @yuuurei , @Daniel_O , @Empty Shoebox , @Untouchable Ace )
Chart positions: #9 Hot 100, #37 Hot R&B/Hip-Hop Songs, #5 Hot Rap Songs
Year-End Hot 100: #94 (1990)
Who? Oh yeah, them...
Ah, the golden age of hip-hop. Just have a think back to all those legendary artists, the ones who would shape the genre and how it would sound forever, even to the present day. Rakim. LL Cool J. The Beastie Boys. Ice-T. And, of course, our man of the hour... the Diabolical Biz Markie. Now, some of you might be saying, “What? The “Just a Friend” dude? On the same list as those guys? Pull the other one!” But, yes, the creator of the one rap song that your mum probably likes is very serious. For a certain value of “serious”, of course.
For you see, the young Long Island lad named Marcel Hall was right there at the dawn of hip-hop's finest hour. He was a core member of the legendary Juice Crew, a stable of New York artists who would change the course of the genre forever, and set out the stall for almost all East Coast rap to come in the next decade. Biz was originally employed by Cold Chillin' Records as a beatboxer backing up other artists on the label, but eventually graduated to being an artist in his own right, releasing his debut album Goin' Off in 1988. And let's just say, it's a fair distance from “Just a Friend” content-wise. Here's “Vapors”, one of the most famous tracks from it, which you may also remember from Playback FM in Grand Theft Auto San Andreas:
You may notice something different here. Biz... actually sounds like a pretty legit rapper, right? Yeah, the way he rapped on "Just a Friend", you'll realize that that was on purpose after listening to this album. His rhymes are simple and his flow's uncomplicated, you can definitely tell that he comes from a bygone generation of rappers in that regard, but his endearingly goofy personality and sense of humour carry the day, and his beatboxing is still fly as fuck. Anybody who can open an album with a five-minute song about picking your nose has my eternal respect. But being part of the Juice Crew, he had some help. The whole album was produced by the crew's mastermind Marley Marl, one of the greatest and most influential hip-hop beatmakers ever, whose mastery of stripped-down yet catchy boom-bap beats and fresh scratching resonates in every important East Coast producer from RZA to Pete Rock; plus, about half the album's lyrics are ghostwritten by his buddy Big Daddy Kane, about the only MC of his time who could rival Rakim in terms of technical ability. It's a tiny bit lame that Biz doesn't write all his own rhymes, I guess, but with such talents on board, you know you're going to get something enjoyable. And that's why Goin' Off has a permanent place in the canon of old-school hip-hop – it's just such a fun light-hearted listen that it's impossible to deny. (Plus, you know you're cool when The Notorious B.I.G. himself flips one of your lines for the first bar of “What's Beef” nine years later.)
Anyway, for his second album The Biz Never Sleeps, released the next year, Biz ditched Marley and Kane, even producing most of the beats by himself (with some help from his cousin Cool V). Given the immense talents of those two, that wasn't a particularly great idea, even if The Biz Never Sleeps is perhaps only a shade worse than Goin' Off. Maybe he wanted to prove that he wasn't just a class clown who was riding their coattails and could succeed without them? I dunno. But succeed without them he certainly did. From the album came a little ditty about being cheated on, sampling the piano riff and chorus of Freddie Scott's 1968 soul hit “You Got What I Need”. And all of a sudden, it became a novelty hit, soaring all the way into the Top 10 to sit rather conspicuously in between Phil Collins and Cathy Dennis. It does my heart proud to see something like that, it really does.
So what do I think?
6.5. I mean, even as comedy rap goes, “Just a Friend” seems pretty lame at first glance. It has the same piano chords and drumbeat for more or less the whole song, Biz's rapping can charitably be described as “stilted” (rhyming “dormitory” with “door three” has to take the wooden spoon there), and then, most iconically of all, there's his bellowing through the chorus like an injured moose. And yet... and yet, there's just something about it, isn't there? And I think I know what it is: it's that Biz just has such a likeable, everyman personality here, and a willingness to make himself look the fool in his story that I find quite charming, with his (intentionally) terrible singing being part of that. “Just a Friend” is an utterly idiotic earworm too, some of the lyrics are pretty funny in a really lunkheaded sort of way (THE GUY MADE HIM FILL OUT A VISITOR'S FORM THE SWINE!), and it's a hell of a lot of fun to get together with some friends and scream the chorus together. The whole thing's just so... cute. Not a word you often get to use about rap songs, but there it is. Yes, I think “Just a Friend” is something that does have a legitimate claim to being called “so bad it's good”. But for me, it's like “Baby Got Back”. It's fun, but one listen every few months or so will do.
Where Are They Now?™
As far as I know, the only other single from The Biz Never Sleeps was another corny-but-endearing song called “Spring Again”. It was not a hit, so much so that Wikipedia doesn't even list it as a single in his discography. (See, you just don't get that kind of thing in rap any more! I would die to hear 21 Savage rapping about it being spring again, seriously.) He would soon follow up in 1991, with his next album I Need a Haircut. The single “What Goes Around Comes Around” tried to recapture lightning in a bottle with another story about girls, but it didn't catch on with the public the same way “Just a Friend” had. But though it didn't produce any hits near as big as “Just a Friend”, I Need a Haircut would change the course of music history nonetheless, all thanks to its twelfth track “Alone Again”. See, that song contained an unauthorised sample from Gilbert O'Sullivan's “Alone Again (Naturally)”, and Gilbert ended up taking Biz to court over it. Biz lost, and Warner Bros. were forced to re-release the album with the offending song removed. It also led to the music industry standard that all samples had to be cleared with their creators before they could be used. That more or less single-handedly ended the golden age of hip-hop – after this, an album like Paul's Boutique, where the producers could go hog wild with whatever smorgasbord of samples they wanted as much as they pleased, could never be made again. Thanks, Gilbert. Thanks a whole bunch. As a token of my appreciation, I give you this.
So, come 1993, Biz released his next album, entitled All Samples Cleared! (Har har har.) It tanked as well, with his career having been badly damaged by Gilbert's lawsuit, and he fell out of the musical spotlight for good after that. He released one more album in 2003, which you have never heard, and rightfully so. As far as his musical career of his own goes, that is just about it. But he probably isn't hurting for a paycheck, because Biz has certainly kept himself busy (Biz-y?) over the years. Here are some of his appearances elsewhere... and I want to stress that this is by no means a comprehensive list:
-Performing alongside the Rolling Stones on 1997's “Anybody Seen My Baby?”.
-Making a number of guest appearances with the Beastie Boys, and touring with them too. You can hear his... interesting rendition of “Benny and the Jets” on their compilation album The Sounds of Science.
-Our second instance of OHW CROSSOVER: appearing on a song from Len's album You Can't Stop the Bum Rush.
-Opening for Chris Rock's 2008 “No Apologies” tour as a DJ.
-Having a regular segment called “Biz's Beat of the Day” on Yo Gabba Gabba!.
-Guesting with the Flaming Lips, and alongside Kesha no less, in “2012 (You Must Be Upgraded)”.
-Making cameos in all manner of things, from Men in Black II to Adventure Time and SpongeBob SquarePants.
-Appearing on Empire in 2016, as himself, to perform “Just a Friend”. He did the same in the season finale of Black-ish in 2017 – this time with the names of the characters added.
And I really could go on here. Biz really just seems like the kind of guy that people want to have around, and I don't blame them for it. It would be a shame to let such a likeable personality as this one fall by the wayside completely. The Clown Prince of Hip-Hop has not vacated his throne yet...
…except among you guys, apparently.
OVER TO THE PEANUT GALLERY
BUT YOU SAY HE'S NOT A FRIEND, AWWWW BAYBEH YOOOOOUUUUUU
Daniel_O (0): This song is the first on the list, and it's such a terrible way to start!
yuuurei (0): Who let this ode to manpain get to #1? (Or #9, as the case may be. - Ed.) I'd never heard this before and I would've been happy if it stayed that way, I hate it!
Untouchable Ace (0): Other than being terrible, it's too slow paced, is this supposed to be rapped?
ModeRed (0): Grating rap and not even a catchy hook to elevate it a touch. (*clears throat* *does a few scales* ...YOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUU)
unnameable (2): Biz can stay in the friendzone for all I care.
Hudweiser (3): Never heard this before, and probably never need to again.
GimmeWork (4): I like Mario’s 2002 version better. (Called "Just a Friend 2002", originally enough.)
CasuallyCrazed (2.5): I lowkey only knew this song because of the Austin Mahone half-cover -- "Say You're Just a Friend" -- which is an infinitely better version. (...Gonna disagree on that one, I'm afraid.)
DJHazey (2.5): Non essential and a lot more monotonous and lethargic than I remember. For some reason I thought this was a bit more catchy and fun.
Andy French (4): Cute for the novelty factor but wears off after like a minute.
DominoDancing (5): Cute, but the chorus just gets on my nerves the second he starts his off-key screeching.
Empty Shoebox (0): This man seems very dismissive of this woman. That's not nice. Neither is his singing.
Sprockrooster (1): Fucking hell. No way to start this off nicely. Is it just me or is that chorus very pitchy?! (I dunno, a bit, possibly. - Ed.) Cringe definitely.
Auntie Beryl (5.5): A rate comprised entirely of one hit wonders is going to have some tunes that flirt with novelty, that’s good. However the novelty here is the fucking awful singing which makes Shaun Ryder sound like Montserrat Caballe. By the end of the century, the Biz was reduced to appearing on Morcheeba album tracks. (There are worse fates, admittedly.)
YOU GOT WHAT I NEEEEE~EEEEEEEEED
Blond (8): I’m a sucker for an old-school hip hop beat and the verses are pretty good. It loses point for the horrifically sung choruses (I get that it’s done on purpose but that doesn’t make it any more listenable). (Hey, I guess that's why it's such a good sing-along. You don't have to worry about anything silly like keys!)
4Roses (8): Cute little bop. The Ty Dollar Sign vocal straining is a MOOD.
berserkboi (8.9): Love the sentiment and tune but pitchy. (Eh... don't really hear it. Maybe the slightest bit?)
WowWowWowWow (7): Something oddly endearing about this song, despite the refrain being a total earsore.
Filippa (7): This is fun! I really do like the piano in the chorus.
Ganache (8): Awww...I was always rooting for Biz and Blablabla. (Nine-ten pants and a very big bra will get you every time.)
pop3blow2 (8): It's hard not to smile listening to this. I’m not saying all music needs to be silly, but damn if the occasional intentionally bad song is refreshing.... and Biz gets that.
Seventeen_Days (7): I have always liked this song. I always really thought it was cool that Biz Markie doesn’t take himself too serious on this, and just lets his goofy persona show.
əʊæ (8): Austine Mahone found rotting.
iheartpoptarts (9): You can tell how old people are by how they sing this.
“He's just a friend” - Biz Markie
“I'm just a friend” - Mario
“You're just a friend” - Austin Mahone
I do a bit of all three though. (Variety is the spice of life!)
chanex (9): Who could rate it lower than a 9? (A lot of people, apparently. - Ed.) I would never listen to it for pleasure yet I know what the limit is regarding this classic.
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Aha! I wondered why hip-hop went down the plughole after the early 1990s! Dang.
And another extraordinary write-up.....love the "injured moose" critique!
she/her
I had COMPLETELY misremembered what the theme of this rate was when I wrote that commentary and forgot to fix it www regardless, it should never have been a hit of any kind. Y'all high scorers are free to
she/her
I saw the thread title and thought "wait, was Soulja Boi in this rate?"
she/her
Would be kind of interesting if we lose I Got 5 On It the day after the Us trailer premiered.
(This looks so scary and I'm probably going to see it opening night.)
Knowing this board and its aversion to alt-rock, I have a feeling some of the better tracks are going to be out early. I just hope my 11 hangs in for a while.
she/her
I gave my 11 to an alt-rock track too. Fingers crossed!
65. THE FRESHMEN
Average score: 4.670
Highest scores: 2 x 10 (@pop3blow2 , @Andy French )
Lowest scores: 1 x 0 (@əʊæ)
Chart positions: #5 Hot 100, #8 Radio Songs, #7 Mainstream Top 40, #7 Adult Top 40, #1 Modern Rock, #9 Mainstream Rock
Year-End Hot 100: #21 (1997)
Who? Oh yeah, them...
“Shine” hew? “Far Behind” whet? “Tomorrow” which? Nah, for me, the definitive 90's post-grunge hit will always be “The Freshmen”, in ways both good and bad (but we'll get to that). Yeah, this thing's had quite the recurrent life on adult-alternative radio, where most of its contemporaries have faded somewhat. As the band's frontman and sole consistent member Brian Vander Ark said, he accidentally stumbled into a genius marketing hook: “Every single year, there will be new freshmen”. Glad to know it wasn't intentional, at least. That would've just been a little too cynical for my blood, you know what I mean?
The Verve Pipe is, like the Toadies, another alternative band where there isn't a whole lot to say about their backstory. These Michigan boys first came together in their hometown of East Lansing in 1992, and they built up a local following (mostly on college campuses) with their live shows, as well as releasing two albums independently. That first album, entitled I've Suffered a Head Injury and released in the same year as their formation, actually contained an early acoustic version of “The Freshmen”, but when that album was re-released as an EP, it didn't have it on there, surprisingly enough. (It's better in its later full-band version anyway.) Thanks to their local following, the Verve Pipe got picked up by RCA, releasing their major-label debut Villains in 1996. They didn't jump immediately into the pop crossover leagues, though – in fact, if you were a rock radio listener at the time, they might not even be one-hit wonders to you. “Photograph” was actually a fair-sized rock hit (#6 modern and #17 mainstream), though it didn't cross over to the Hot 100, so “The Freshmen” was certainly not a sudden hit that blindsided people out of nowhere.
But what might have been a surprise is just how big of a hit it was. It's not every day you see a song this lyrically dark in the Top 5, even in the angsty Gen X years – the song features a narrative about a relationship crumbling after the female partner gets an abortion, and her subsequent suicide by overdose. Vander Ark has been back and forth on how personal the story actually is to his own experience; from what I can gather, he's confirmed that the suicide was just dramatic license for the song's narrative, but in all honesty, I can't really tell whether the part about the abortion actually happened or not either. There's evidently something of his personal experience in there, though, with the girl in the song being based on an old girlfriend of his. Enough of that, anyhow. To the song!
Alright, back to my old alma mater UEA for now! (I spent most of my freshman year with crippling depression, so I suppose the angst here is appropriate.)
So what do I think?
5.5. You know, if there's anything to say about 90's post-grunge, it's that it often felt simultaneously too sludgy and yet overly clean. And while I was maaaaybe a little too harsh with the score, and might have gone a half-point higher, “The Freshmen” suffers from this quite badly, such that the only major attraction, for me, is the dark lyrical themes and broad-strokes yet ambiguously compelling narrative. The Verve Pipe do an alright job of creating a gloomy atmosphere with those filtered guitar leads, and the song builds up in intensity well enough with the slow brushed snare rolls, but it feels a bit too slow to hang together properly or truly hit me with something powerful. The sonics of “The Freshmen” are just too polite, I think – not enough musical heaviness to compliment the tortured emotions properly, a very clean and quantized type of distortion on the guitars, when it seems to demand either something more atmospheric and minimal or something heavier. Instead, it ends up falling in between two stalls. Brian Vander Ark's vocal performance doesn't particularly help either: he's fine in the quieter sections, but when the song starts to ramp up in volume and he makes a strained attempt at a Vedder-like yarl, it's clear that he isn't cut out for that style at all, and it sounds pretty laughable. What I hear here, mostly, is wasted potential, and I docked a point or so for that. Shame.
Where Are They Now?™
The Verve Pipe are one band here that I think could have easily had more hits – they had a very commercially friendly post-grunge style and, as displayed on their first hit, a decent knack for hooks. So to be honest with you, I'm not quite sure why they couldn't follow it up properly. One theory that I've seen floated about is that they took too long – not that they took as long on hiatus as the Toadies or the Breeders, to name a couple, but long enough that they could get crowded out by their contemporaries and be buried in the post-grunge deluge of the late 90's. For their 1999 self-titled follow-up to Villains, they got more money thrown at them by their label (too much for Vander Ark's liking in retrospect), and apparently suffered from being undisciplined with it. The extremely meticulous production style of Michael Beinhorn (who also worked on Soundgarden's Superunknown, and that band had the same complaints about him being “anal about sounds”, in the words of Chris Cornell) also meant that it took quite a while to record. It did not pay off, to say the least. The lead single “Hero” did not cross over to the Hot 100, and wasn't even a rock chart hit, fizzling out at #17 on the Modern Rock chart and #32 on Mainstream Rock. The second single “Television” didn't chart at all, and after that, promotion on the record, which had reached a dismal #158 on the album chart, stopped completely.
The thing is, the moody post-grunge style of “The Freshmen” didn't fully represent what the Verve Pipe were as a band. Vander Ark was more of a classic pop-rock guy at heart, and has said that he thought 2001's Underneath, where he leaned more into a power-pop style and mostly shook off the “Freshmen” sound, was the band's best album. Too bad for him, then, that it tanked, aside from the lead single “Never Let You Down” getting some minor play on adult-pop radio. The album didn't even make the Billboard 200, a mere four years after “The Freshmen” had been a cross-format smash. As Vander Ark says, the timing of its release couldn't have helped them: it was released right after 9/11. So naturally, they got completely drowned out in the media coverage, and when they were a band on the way out and more or less on borrowed time anyway, that certainly didn't help matters. That was when they got dropped, and ended up going on a semi-hiatus for most of the 2000's.
From that point on, the Verve Pipe became more of a part-time proposition, playing local shows for fun. Vander Ark dabbled in acting, first in the movie Rock Star (to the soundtrack of which the Verve Pipe also contributed their song “Colourful”), then in some indie films. He also released some solo music, which was more acoustic-based. At one point, he was apparently performing acoustic shows right in the living rooms of his fans... which sounds like a pretty cool experience if you're a fan, actually. Eventually, the Verve Pipe got back together, and found there was more music in another line – children's music, an endeavour which Vander Ark was inspired to undertake after they were asked to contribute a song to a compilation record. They recorded their first children's album A Family Album in 2009, and while they later got back into their regular line, releasing their first adult rock album in thirteen years in 2014, they've continued to alternate between adult-oriented and children's music. Yes, the band most famous for a song about abortions and suicide now makes children's records. Life is funny like that. Vander Ark's kept working on his solo music the whole time, including, oddly enough, a collaboration called Simple Things with Jeff Daniels. (Did you know Jeff Daniels sung? Cause I didn't before this.) He's now also the sole permanent member of the band, which still performs regularly and have become staples on the 90's nostalgia touring circuit, a circuit that it makes me feel extremely old to know exists. (Yes, this will not be the last time we run into such a story. Basically, if you want your band to have a stable lineup, have more than one hit.)
So according to you guys, Bluto was not here when he was needed...
OVER TO THE PEANUT GALLERY
Sobbing with their heads on the floor
əʊæ (0): Horrific.
iheartpoptarts (4): The Verve Pipe, The Verve, don’t know, don’t care.
Untouchable Ace (4.2): There were a few too many R's when singing with E's flying around there. (Post-Grunge Singing 101: Try to shove an R into the middle of every word. If it already has one, add extra R's.)
Auntie Beryl (2.8): Honestly, I’m beginning to run out of enthusiasm for these expensively-hairdoed, furry-lower-lip, post-grunge balladeers. I blame Eddie Vedder, just ‘cause he’d probably take it personally and mope about it for days.
Blond (5): They really laid the blueprint for bands like Nickelback and Creed by the sound of it. (I think Stone Temple Pilots probably have the ultimate responsibility there... though let's not make Scott Weiland spin in his grave by associating him with Creed, OK?)
saviodxl (4.7): The Calling found shook! (Both extreme casualties of 90's Hair, surely. Too bad "Wherever You Will Go" was from 2001, I've always thought of that as a "90's" song subconsciously.)
DominoDancing (2): Ugh. Post-Grunge really turned out to be the worst. Hoarse half-shouting over sludgy guitar "riffs". Two points mainly because this is not the nadir of the genre (I see you, Puddle of Mudd). (Hey, Puddle of Mudd... TRUST, HE FUCKIN' HATES YOU! LA LA LA LA!)
ModeRed (3.75): Quiet, slightly noisy, quiet, snooze.
4Roses (3): Dull. Very dull.
yuuurei (1): Snore.
Empty Shoebox (4): Another really forgettable track without being too bad.
WowWowWowWow (6): This freshman never died for any sins, so there.
Ganache (1): Ugh...another song about an abortion. (Between this and "Brick", we sure liked people singing about abortions around this time!)
AshleyKerwin (1.5): Anti choice? Not on my Popjustice! (Funny thing about that, Brian Vander Ark is actually a pro-choice liberal and said that he didn't intend the song to be read that way. He's actually expressed some regret about the lyrics being "too pat" in that regard. Make of that what you will, I guess?)
Fell in love in the first place
Seventeen_Days (7.5): When this song came out, its style was more akin to something my brother liked. He was all about the alternative guitar-heavy stuff, and I the pop stuff. The more I heard this on the radio, the more I found it really appealed to me. But damn, those lyrics are really depressing aren’t they?
unnameable (9): Ah, that angst we remember the 90s for.
Filippa (7): The lyrics are so sad, and I really like his voice.
berserkboi (9.5): What a story (Mark... sorry, couldn't resist. - Ed.)! Builds amazingly!
DJHazey (8): Okay not quite as amazing as I thought it was going to be but still great.
chanex (9): OMG I hate myself yet again for having forgotten this song and then hearing it again and remembering that I actually love it so much. I have no justification for this opinion.
pop3blow2 (10): This song was at 9… then nostalgia took over. Lot of memories & emotion attached to this song. Bumped it to 10.
he/him
............
I hate all of you
I hate all of you