Discussion in 'Charts, rates etc' started by Animalia, Apr 10, 2017.
For my $0.02, Anna Sui is winning.
Welcome back! You always make me forget it's been so long after one of your fabulous write-ups.
1st class write up as usual! It's sad to see Pocahontas go but it's one of those Disney classics that probably shouldn't have been made in the first place. It's one thing to re-write the details of a fairy tale to make them more family friendly, but quite another to try that shit on actual historical events. Even though I'll always love the nature loving, fearless (green before green was a thing) princess that Disney crafted, they really had no business crafting her in the first place.
Oh, Pocahontas. One of my least favourite Disney movies. Yeah, one of my biggest pet peeves, in any form of media, is the blatant flying brick of a Message!!!, and oh boy, there's a lot of tiresome moralizing here. I know people like to give Dances with Wolves crap for the Pure and Saintly Noble Savage thing, but at least they tried to bring more complexity to the Lakota, with a bit less Children of the Earth schtick, than Disney ever affords the Powhatan. Not only is it a complete hash of actual history, but it leaves all the characters, English and Powhatan, inhuman and unrelatable. I mean, it looks great, but so does every Disney film of this time, and the animation's not quite Lion King quality anyway. (I won't even go into the ending, which all but says, "And there was never any strife between the English and the Indians ever again, the end!")
Anyway, if I want the Pocahontas and John Smith story (which the latter pretty much completely made up - though he didn't come up with the romantic angle - but whatever), I've got Terrence Malick's The New World. You can pretend the raccoon in that one scene is Meeko if you want!
The New World is one of the most beautiful films I've ever seen, truly.
HAHAHA! Yes! Thanks I needed that.
Oh, y’all wanted a twist?
Poor Unfortunate Souls
Highest Score: 11 x3 (@GimmeWork, @Sideout, @Weslicious), 10 x14 (@Daniel!, @HollyDunnSomething, @Mina, @GhettoPrinces, @DJHazey, @ephemeralartery, @Ironheade, @aniraz, @Mikl C, @Lost Boy, @Lost In Japan., @MamaHazey, @kalonite, @Animalia)
Lowest Score: 3 x1 (@Epic Chocolat), 4 x3 (@iheartpoptarts, @Sprockrooster, @funkyg)
My Score: 10
More like y’all’s Poor Unfortunate TASTE, am I right ladies!? I mean… I’m at a loss. This ridiculously over-the-top, camp-tastic drag queen cabaret performance number not even making the Top 10 on Popjustice of all places? The internalised homophobia is real. Those three 11s don’t lie though - Ursula’s impact on those of us with actual measurable taste is real. Our slimy burlesque queen is as blessed with talent as she is with limbs; every second of this song oozes so much toxic, seductive villainy that it really makes you question who you’re rooting for in the film. Like, do I really want Ariel to come out on top here? I’ve got this tentacled temptress beguiling her wicked way into the deepest, darkest depths of my soul and Disney really expect me to side with the whiny hoarder? No ma’am. In the hallowed halls of animated antagonism, Ursula is queen. It’s an undisputed fact among the most revered of academics that anything is improved at least tenfold by being intensely queer, and the good sis Howard Ashman did not hold back when it came to Urusula. Oh, at all. The Little Mermaid’s villain went through several designs – a beautiful scorpion fish, a manta ray based on Joan Collins (that actually would’ve been kinda lit though) – but when an animator walked in and dropped a sketch of a buxomly, purple cephalopod draped in jewels and serving mug for days, Ashman was immediately struck with Divine inspiration (get it!?) and demanded it be the final design. King.
So, Ashman penned Poor Unfortunate Souls with an actual drag legend as his muse. Sadly, Divine passed away in 1988, otherwise Ashman’s pull at the studio might just have managed to land her the role – how ridiculously iconic would that have been? Not to belittle Pat Carroll’s interpretation though, it was Ashman’s demo recording of the song that convinced her to take the role, and she fucking nailed it. The drama, the sleaze, the power. The gays have spoken – Poor Unfortunate Souls is the ultimate Disney villain anthem. Damn right it is. Let them know, y’all.
“One of the best villain songs ever?” asks GhettoPrincess, “I think so. It’s so gloriously wicked.” Mina throws in another vote for the win: “The best Disney villain song ever.”, and alanmr has already written Urusla her winning speech: “Arguably the best of the villain songs in Disney history, and with good cause, the tongue-in-cheek lyrics, the amazing vocals, the astounding visuals, it all comes down to a kick ass scene of Ursula seducing poor, unfortunate Ariel to give up her voice, and it’s no wonder she falls for it: it’s mesmerizing.” Hell, even MamaHazey finds haself succumbing to the vampy villainy: “Ursula is such a witch, but even I can't deny how great this song is despite never being big fan of villain themes.” Talent always wins! Thankfully the stan apple didn’t fall far from the stan tree in this case, as DJHazey is found getting his life too: “Consider me scalped because I don't remember this being one of my favorites as a kid, but Ursula is just ooozing with personality on this one. Probably the best villain theme song of all-time. Of course she does make questionable remarks about a woman's role in society, but I guess that just adds to the notorious nature of it all.”
I guess we should check in on those tasteless low scorers, huh? Explain yourself, iheartpoptarts! “Ursula scared little me in a way most Disney villains didn’t.” Surely that should warrant extra points for effectiveness. She’s just doing her job, let her live! Meanwhile, Sprockrooster: “Poor Unfortunate Souls does not roll easy off the tongue, does it?” and Epic Chocolat: “Too talky.” are really playing fire using those arguments against a witch who specialises in stealing voices. Watch yourselves. Raichu apparently has no regard for his own safety either: “Tons of energy and charisma, but this melody doesn’t really stick for me.” RIP y’all’s vocal chords. LKane might just escape our mauve mistress’ wrath though… maybe: “One of the best songs made for villains. It makes you understand the personality of Ursula. But not enough for me.” I dunno what more you could possibly want but okay. constantino gets it: “Ursula is honestly and truly iconic. When will other villains? She hasn’t got all day.” Queen of having a full soul-devouring schedule. send photo is so overcome by the sheer glamour on display that all he can muster is a simpering “Halp me mother”. I feel ya. 2014’s equally shook, proclaiming “What a MOMENT in the film”, while MollieSwift21 finds Ariel’s dilemma a touch too relatable: “Excellent villain song. The scene of Ariel signing that contract is how I feel making major life decisions.” Those creepy little grey soulless husks are me doing anything these days teebs. I hope GimmeWork can retain ha signature sunny disposition in the face of such a disappointing result for ha 11: “Ursula aka Divine is the BEST Disney villain ever! Iconic and groundbreaking! Life's full of tough choices innit? But this isn't one of them. My 11 goes to this hands down, nothing else comes close!”
Let’s have a final word from ephemeralartery, shall we?
“I bet this makes top 5.”
#2 in my Villain Song rankings, after "Hellfire". (Still salty!) You can't do a number like this without giving it everything you have, and Pat Carroll certainly does. Legendary.
That poor unfortunate taste, so bad but true.
Seriously though this should be Top 10 and Under the Sea should not have beaten it either. Although naturally I'm hoping all the remaining Little Mermaid songs stay until the end now.
Um what's that 5 doing there???
That's what we call a disaster.
Wait I forgot to post the Jonas Brothers cover of the song in which they erase all references to gender and/or magic and thus render the entire song pointless and generally shit
What the FUCK.
I really thought this had a chance at going top 5. @Animalia thank you for speaking the truth with your amazing write up for this! TASTE is truly lacking here for this to not end up top 10 at least!
To those of you that voted low for this masterpiece:
While I work on the next film elimination, let's all take a minute to reflect upon the Giant Ursula boss fight in Kingdom Hearts:
That screengrab just reminds me of Donald's penchant for spending the entirety of every boss fight out of health and out of action.
Separate names with a comma.