The Eurovizh Alt-Song Contest 2019 - RESULTS

[constantino]

COUNTRY SIXTEEN - Montenegro (Montevizija)

WINNER: D hole - Hell...literally hell

BACKGROUND

Once again, Montenegro hosted a janky little 5-song selection with a set of actually-pretty-decent entries, and they end up selecting the worst song of the bunch, which happens to be the only act featuring male vocals.



It’s a shame because a few of my colleagues met the HoD and he’s a nice, young guy with a lot of ideas, so hopefully they won’t be shit next year? Apparently Beovizija is back and gonna be a lot bigger next year so let’s see...

RESULTS

Voters: 15

My vote is highlighted in bold for #transparency

1) Andrea Demirović - Ja Sam Ti San (14 votes) this sweep!

2) Ivana Popović Martinović - NEVINOST (1 vote)

LIVE



STUDIO VERSION



WHAT HAPPENED?
​

Um, well, my North Macedonian friend A.K.A. my Balkan insider warned me that Heaven would win the selection. I was like ‘surely not’ and he quipped ‘6 people = 6 families voting’...and well, she made some points! Ja Sam Ti San was fucking lit and would have been a totally new direction for Montenegro’s trajectory in the contest, enabling them to shake the ‘Serbia, but make it terrible’ label they’ve ended up with. Unfortunately and admittedly, the staging was fucking BIZARRE...satanic imagery in a Balkan state TV show?? Wyd sis. Consequently, she got DUST from televote, literally, scoring 0 points. The jury boosted her a tad, but she ended up in 3rd despite having the best song by far. That sad, huh? Anyways, perhaps the fact that 14 of you gave her your vote bodes well for her chances in Alt-Vizh?

 

[constantino]

Smh I voted for this queen and she doesn't even get listed

Anna Ou

Sorry, turns out I had left two whole songs with two points out of that list, they got deleted by accident in the formatting stage! The gag is that this song was actually my favourite and should have got my vote...but I completely forgot it existed...

 

[constantino]

COUNTRY SEVENTEEN - Norway (Melodi Grand Prix)

WINNER: KEiiNO - Spirit in the Sky

BACKGROUND

Year after year, Norway continues to host the best national final in the Nordics, and yes, I’m including Melfest in that. One-shot, no bullshit, great songs, expansive staging and an engaging watch. Last year may have been ultimately trash due to it being a coronation for R*bak, this year felt rejuvenated and fresh. The fact that the production values are so high and NRK allow acts to have as many people on stage as they want makes MGP a spectacle. For example, Mørland’s staging was spectacular and something that could never happen on even the ESC stage in light of current rules. That said, a previous Eurovision top 10 act not even getting through to the superfinal was a fucking kii, especially since we feared he could take the whole thing. Being released around half-way through the NF season, Spirit in the Sky felt like a breath of fresh air and something solid get behind a fan faves were dropping like flies. Despite the juries trying to kill it (an omen), the televote pulled it all the way into the superfinal and then to victory.

RESULTS

Voters: 16

My vote is highlighted in bold for #transparency

1) Ingrid Berg Mehus - Feel (6 votes)

2) Anna-Lisa Kumoji - Holla (5 votes)

3) D'Sound - Mr. Unicorn (3 votes)

4) Hold Me Down - Carina Dahl (1 vote)
4) Hank Von Hell - Fake It (1 vote)

LIVE



STUDIO VERSION



WHAT HAPPENED?


This was never going to win, but it felt like somewhat of a moment on the night, so a spot in the top 4 would have definitely been nice. I mean, like I said, Mørland even lost out so it really did become a one-horse race in the end. This is one of those entries that did nothing wrong, but you can’t really call robbed in retrospect because that ticket to Tel Aviv was never hers to begin with. Also, I feel like violins and fiddles are OFFICIALLY done in Norway now, and praise the Lord that they are!

Honourable mention of course goes to Holla, which nearly got my vote and so very nearly missed out; and yes, 90% of its appeal comes from it being the stimulus to the following gifs:

 

[constantino]

COUNTRY EIGHTEEN - Portugal (Festival da Canção)

WINNER: Conan Osíris - Telemoveis

BACKGROUND

It probably comes as no surprise whatsoever that Festival da Canção was my favourite national final. Portugal are one of my favourite ESC countries, and yet they always get shat on by even the most hardcore of ESC fans. No matter what, they always send something unmistakably Portuguese, which flops 90%. The one time it really worked, they ended up winning the whole thing, with a song that didn’t even win the FdC televote back in 2017! This year, RTP came through with visuals, song quality and what felt like the final product of a three-year transition for the show. I gladly watched all 9+ hours of the show this February, and ended up loving every single song. Conan was the frontrunner from the jump, amassing over 2 million views of the lyric video before the semi finals even began. There was doubt over whether more conservative jurors would respect Telemoveis, but he later ended up sweeping...talent won! And then it didn’t...

RESULTS

Voters: 13

My vote is highlighted in bold for #transparency

1) Ana Cláudia - Inércia (4 votes)

2) Surma - Pugna (2 votes)
2) Calema - A Dois (2 votes)
2) Lara Laquiz - O lugar (2 votes)

3) NBC - Igual A Ti (1 vote)
3) Mila Dores - Debaixo do Luar (1 vote)
3) Dan Riverman - Lava (1 vote)

LIVE



STUDIO VERSION



WHAT HAPPENED?

The PJ jury serving taste, here. I’m screaming at you f*gs voting up all the female artists even though the boys mostly swept. That said, in FdC the jury has more weight in the event of a tie (for some reason), so two boring male-fronted songs ended up being knocked out so Mila and Ana could prosper! Inércia was THAT alt-pop and remains one of my most played, although it only really works on a sunny day. It doesn’t really sound like anything I’ve ever heard before, and it builds and swells beautifully for a song under 3 minutes. It carries itself well live, too. In reality, this would never have gotten out of the semis, and the same goes for pretty much every song from FdC, because as good as they were and are, they were all hideously uncompetitive, even Telemoveis seemingly. I hate to admit it, but Matay (maybe Calema at a push) absolutely would have gotten Portugal to the final this year, and possibly even left-hand side.

Honourable mention goes to whatever the hell this was from Surma. It’s BARELY song but it feels very ArtRave, so I have to stan. It’s also pretty cool to think about a song as weird as this being ADORED so much on a state-broadcast show.

 

[WowWowWowWow]

COUNTRY THIRTEEN - Latvia (Supernova)

WINNER: Carousel - That Shite

BACKGROUND​

RESULTS

Voters: 14

My vote is highlighted in bold for #transparency

1) Samanta Tīna - Cutting the Wire (4 votes)

2) Edgars Kreilis - Cherry Absinthe (3 votes)

3) Adriana Miglane - Scared of Love (2 votes)

4) Kristiana - Remedy (1 vote)
4) Markus Riva - You Make Me So Crazy (1 vote)
4) Kris & Oz - Midnight Streets (1 vote)
4) Double Faced Eels - Fire (1 vote)
4) Waterflower - Grow (1 vote)

LIVE



STUDIO VERSION​

​

WHAT HAPPENED?

Like basically every song in the auditions stage, “Cutting The Wire” was BOOGER BOOTS at first. However, the live version was a masterclass in polishing a turd. Sure this wasn’t...like...actually good, but it was well-staged, a bit of a bop and, most importantly, a kii. I don’t think anyone expected this to win, but it would have been a far better option than the embarrassingly bland “That Night”. It would have made for a far more iconic performance at LEP, let me tell you...

The double bass you found should have represented Latvia.

 

[NecessaryVoodoo]

OK but how did some of y'all choose R*bak's ex-girlfriend over

I WANNA HEAR THAT
RING-TIKA-DING-DING, RICKA-DING

 

[abael]

1) Andrea Demirović - Ja Sam Ti San (14 votes) this sweep!

2) Ivana Popović Martinović - NEVINOST (1 vote)​

OMG at me being the rebel vote.

5/18 so far.

 

[constantino]

COUNTRY NINETEEN - Romania (Selectia Nationala)

Winner: Ester Peony - Riggery On A Sunday

BACKGROUND​

This post is titled: Romania is a mess

So, following the downright atrocious result of Romania's Selecția Națională last year, which saw televoters deliberately vote against Jukebox and Bella Santiago's excellent and guaranteed qualifier "Auzi Cum Bate" (I know, I know) and end up with The Humans' "Goodbye", which remains one of my least favourite entries of all time. As we all know, the evil was defeated and this rightfully flopped in Lisbon, becoming the countries first ever non-qualifier. Ha, suffer!

As a result, the broadcaster has decided to strip back the power of the televote and make their say over the final result 10% to the international jury's 90%, so they can ensure that no more buffoonery goes down...

TODAY, they revealed who would be on said international jury:

- Tali Eshkoli

- Emmelie De Forest

- Deban Aderemi

- Wiliam Lee Adams

- Serban Cazan

- Alex Calancea

As you can see, TWO out of the SIX international jurors are in fact from Wiwibloggs, who have repeatedly shown an inability to show impartiality (and are from the same country, which is wack in itself, but I digress). This means that Wiwibloggs have around 30% of the ENTIRE vote that will decide the Romanian entrant for Eurovision...three-times more than the entirety of the Romanian public.

BUT, it means that the chances of us getting Army of Love has increased considerably

BUT, it means that the chances of us getting Army of Love has increased considerably

RESULTS

Voters: 15

My vote is highlighted in bold for #transparency, TVR are shook.​

1) Bella Santiago - Army of Love (10 votes)

2) Linda Teodosiu - Renegades (2 votes)
2) Letiţia Moisescu & Sensibil Balkan - D A I N A (2 votes)

3) Vaida - "Un-terf-ground" (1 vote)​

LIVE​

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STUDIO VERSION​

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WHAT HAPPENED?​

Well, this didn't win! And why? Emilie Deforestation didn't think her BS win in 2013 was homophobic enough, so she decided that, in her expert opinion, Army of Love deserved zero points. The contest was originally a one-horse race for Laura Bretan (think Millie Bobby Brown but actually homophobic), until TVR decided to pull their first stunt of the season by introducing two wildcards. One of these wildcards was X Factor Romania winner and robbed Selectia Nationala 2018 finalist Bella Santiago, and the other was Linda Teodosiu, who also made the list! Army of Love became the gays' choice and it felt like Romania would be not only returning to the Grand Final, but snatching a top 10 placement either way. And then...TVR killed their own chances. Army of Love came second in both the televote and the jury vote. Had the split been 50/50 between the televote and jury, Army of Love may well have taken it. Had the jurors had taste, Army of Love also would have taken it. As much as I like On A Sunday and feel bad for Ester, the Romanian team need to learn to stop dicking around with the format.

Honourable mention: Renegades IS the kind of matronly pop ballad that I love a la La Haut and Dear Father IS that twee conversation camp anthem, but I think two of you were onto something with "DAINA". This would have sIayed in a year were Moldova decided to not turn the party with a cheesy bop.

​

 

[Ana Raquel]

most of the choices are fantastic so far

rip jasmin (i guess?), DENIZ, Edgars,Tiramisu and Lara (and start mourning for TseSho because there is no way Maruv is gonna lose)


..........and I don't remember if I voted for Ingrid or Anna Lisa oops

 

[constantino]

COUNTRY TWENTY - Serbia (Beovizija)​

Winner: Nevena Božović - Kruna​

BACKGROUND​

Serbia, despite being one of the most consistent Eurovision countries, has yet to truly settle on the selection method that works for them. They used Beovizija between 2007 and 2009, then opting for internal selection until 2013, which saw a one-off selection called ‘Beosong’ (resulting in their first NQ), and then back to internals until 2018. Last year, their relaunched Beovizija and despite only having two good songs in a field of 24 and being over 3 hours long, I actually enjoyed it. It helps that one of those two great songs ended up winning. Following “Nova Deca” qualification, the HoD announced the return of Beovizija for the 2019 season, with two semis and a final, all taking place in one week. The quality of songs, production values and format of the contest felt like a massive upgrade. I’m glad it produced another qualifier, especially since it gave Nevena ha redemption arc.​

RESULTS​

Voters: 13 (including one spoiled ballot)

My vote is highlighted in bold for #transparency.

1) Sofija Perić - Aritmija (4 votes)

2) Goga Stanic - Čudo (3 votes)

3) Wonder Strings & Ivana Vladovic - Moja Bol (2 votes)

4) Tamara Milanović - Reči nisu dovoljne (1 vote)
4) Gipsykord - Boje (1 vote)
4) Saskia Jankx - Da Li Čuješ Moj Glas (1 vote)
[ 4) was beovizija even a thing (1 vote) ] Ebony_Jenkins_yes.gif

LIVE



STUDIO VERSION



WHAT HAPPENED?

Well, Serbia (like you lot) made a GOOD choice, but not the best choice. Nevena was one of the bigger stars to be competing, and it all very much felt written in the stars. I was a bit scared that Dženan Lončarević would take it because his song had so many views, but thankfully the juries put him down to second, even though he beat Nevena in the televote. If you’re wondering what the CORRECT choice was for both, it’s Moja Bol, which would have probably done even better than Kruna. It is...exquisite. Lauren from CHVRCHES has a lot more range than y’all give her credit for.

​

 

[abael]

Good job so far on the reveals. You've made this as interesting as I was expecting the second part to be; now I'm holding out for the last 5 reveals.
RIP 6/20 so far.

 

[constantino]

COUNTRY TWENTY-ONE - Slovenia (EMA)​

Winner:
Zala Kralj & Gašper Šantl - Sebi​

BACKGROUND​

Unlike most national finals, Slovenia's EMA saw a huge contraction in size this year. Rather than having the standard semi stages followed by a Grand Final, this year it was a face-paced one-shot national final with a superfinal at the end. Not like I was complaining, it ended up being one of the most entertaining shows of the season. The songs were teased in snippet form prior to the show airing, and they teased what would be one of the strongest finals of the season. Having attempted and failed to win EMA three times, RAIVEN felt like the obvious winner...and then...
​

@NecessaryVoodoo RAIVEN KLAXON

RAIVEN JUST SNATCHED ME FUCKING BALD FUCKING HELL

Slovenian TV adverts being mostly about acid reflux relief. I've found my people

Slovenia what the FUCK

Oh so that's why Slovenian TV ads are mostly about acid reflux relief...

KAOS indeed...

RESULTS​

Voters: 15

My vote is highlighted in bold for #transparency.

1) RAIVEN - KAOS (8 votes)

2) Kim - Rhythm Back To You (5 votes)

3) Ula Ložar - Fridays (1 vote)
3) Rene - Ne poves (1 vote)

LIVE



STUDIO VERSION



WHAT HAPPENED?

Sebi stomped, that's what happened. It's always a danger to get too consumed with the opinions of the relatively small international 'bubble' of ESC Fans, which is ultimately an echo chamber. As it turned out, having made it to the super final, the Slovenian public just weren't here for RAIVEN as much as the gays are. Sis only got 24% of the televote in the super final! I mean, just look at the likes ratio of her live performance...perhaps it was too ahead of its time for some people? As PISSED as I was when it happened, I re-listened to Sebi the next morning and fell in love. The way it destroyed the competition should have been an early indication of how competitive a song it actually was.

Honourable mention: this static reductive EDM Avicii banger:

​

 

[constantino]

COUNTRY TWENTY-TWO - Spain (OT Eurovision Gala)​

Winner:
Miki - La Venda

BACKGROUND​

For those who don't know, OT (Operación Triunfo) is a long-running reality TV series in Spain, which is essentially a hybrid of Big Brother, Love Island and X Factor, but with even hotter contestants. The series runs in the Autumn, with the winner not guaranteed a spot at Eurovision, but highly likely to appear in the OT Gala. The OT Gala is Spain's selection, which sees contestants of the series perform original songs in the hope of going to Eurovision...except this year. The long-listed songs were mostly SHIT this year, except for María, who came with a Rosalia B-side that the gays just ATE up. Unfortunately, she and the other leading pop gorl (Natalia) had openly asked people to not vote for them because they didn't want to go to Tel Aviv.

RESULTS​

Voters: 15

My vote is highlighted in bold for #transparency

1) María Villar - Muérdeme (7 votes)

2) Miki & Natalia - Nadie se salva (5 votes)

3) Marilia Monzón - Todo Bien (3 votes)

4) Natalia Lacunza - La Clave (1 vote)

LIVE



STUDIO VERSION



WHAT HAPPENED?

Well, not content to pull a Monika Marija and rely on fans to NOT vote for her, sis decided to THROW the whole fucking performance. She could NOT be any more over it if she tried and it's such a kii to see her serve full-on late-era Britney/Mariah teas. It honestly gets better to re-watch. EVEN STILL, she still came second. It's a shame because had she actually, well, performed the song, she probably would have won, and certainly done better than 22nd in Tel Aviv. La Venda was definitely the winner of the night, he lit the stage up and sold the shit out of what was a rather tacky and dated song. That said, the song was never actually competitive for a non-Spanish audience, which no one wanted to admit. As terrible as the demos were, there were SEVERAL better options. One of which was Miki's duet with the incredible Natalia, who is an actual rocket on stage. That felt a lot more current and high-impact, and could have been top 10. But alas.

Honourable mention: MY WINNER, and a bop that has aged better than Maria's, is the song only two of us voted for, Todo Bien. The song was the catchiest of the entire selection and Marilia knew how to serve on stage. Chronically underrated, she finished 5th on the night. I call upon you all to watch this performance and lament your incorrect decision.

​

 

[constantino]

COUNTRY TWENTY-THREE - Sweden (Melodifestivalen)​

Winner:
John Lundvik - Too Late For Love

BACKGROUND​

For decades, Melodifestivalen has been made out to be some kind of 'Mini-Eurovision', with incredible production values, amazing songs and charismatic hosts. Having finally began following the national finals in 2017...I found that some of it was true. The production values ARE very high...but it's all just...so...Swedish. As much as I would love to go to Sweden, I find Swedish culture and their over-polished and predictable approach to the arts to be incredibly dull. For the past three years, there have been a handful of great songs, in between a field of incredibly dull and stale 'Swedish pop songs', and I find that the latter are the ones that sweep. I've never been a fan of Sweden's Eurovision entries to begin with, or even Swedish pop music of late, but seeing the man behind the curtain (a terrible analogy) was disappointing. I'm still waiting to be impressed by an edition of Melfest. What I will say is that the hosting this year was a BIG improvement, but the issue of the fact that all my faves flopped remains a glaring one.

RESULTS​

Voters: 18

My vote is highlighted in bold for #transparency. This having such a range of responses says rather a lot.

1) Oscar Enestad - I Love It (5 votes)

2) Anna Bergendahl - Ashes to Ashes (3 votes)

3) Lina Hedlund - Victorious (2 votes)
3) Zeana feat. Anis don Demina - Mina bränder (2 votes)

4) Hanna Ferm & Shag Piece - Hold You (1 vote)
4) Arvingkarna - I Do (1 vote)
4) Lisa Ajax - Torn (1 vote)
4) I Do Me - Malou Prytz (1 vote)
4) Polish Margaret - Tempo (1 vote)
4) Pagan Fury & Paradox Interactive - Stormbringer (1 vote)

LIVE



STUDIO VERSION



WHAT HAPPENED?

Well, Oscar's entry was one of the most-hyped prior to the contest since it emerged that he had penned a song around his ongoing 'Moms Fuck Teens' experience and was sending it to Melfest. I was expecting it to be dirge, but once the snippet dropped, it turned out to be a MASSIVE bop and the most catchy of the entire year. Then, on the night, it was paired with excellent staging...and then it flopped on its arse, coming LAST in its semi behind some Swedish geriatric that always seem to pop up in Melfest. I think it was @Rhombus who said that his downfall was making his Melfest trajectory completely entangled in his unsavoury personal life, meaning that if the Swedish weren't on board with his relationship, they wouldn't vote for him.

Sweden did what they always do, pick the safest option, and it paid off. Knowing that the Swedish delegation want to always pick the song that will do the best, they of course chose the correct winner. The issue is that that route will not get them another victory (ignore Mans nn). John was too polish to win. Benjamin was too smug to win. Robin was too robotic to win. Frans...did bizarrely well with the televote but whatever. There were actually a LOT of good songs in Melfest this year: Margaret, Pegan Fury, Malou Pritz, Lisa Ajax, High15...and they ALL did poorly. My vote and honourable mentions go to this infectious Swedish-language bop, which could have made for an interesting ESC entry.

​

 

[Square]

I fancy Anis Don Demina lol

 

[Empty Shoebox]

4) Arvingfuckingarna - I Do (1 vote)

Who is responsible for this? If this was @WowWowWowWow I swear...

 

[NecessaryVoodoo]

Hanna Ferm & Shag Piece

This is almost as iconic as the adoption of "Polish Margaret"

 

[constantino]

COUNTRY TWENTY-FOUR - Ukraine (Vidbir)​

Winner: No one

BACKGROUND​

RESULTS​

Voters: 18

My vote is highlighted in bold for #transparency, UA:PBC are shaking in their harnesses.

1) MARUV - Siren Song (12 votes)

2) KAZKA - Apart (2 votes)

3) Anna Maria - My Road (1 vote)
3) Yuko - Galyna guliala (1 vote)
3) Tsesho - Hate (1 vote)

LIVE



STUDIO VERSION



WHAT HAPPENED?

Honourable mention:

 

[Square]

I'm so glad the anal flower from the Sugababes debut has a new lease of life.

 

[WowWowWowWow]

Who is responsible for this? If this was @WowWowWowWow I swear...

Nope! I went with Stormbringer. Mina bränder by Joy & Linnea Deb (©@NecessaryVoodoo) or Victorious are my other most-used entries.